Always Learning..

Its almost the end of the year.. and its not like any that I have ever had before. I just got back from a meeting.. just like I do on every other Wednesday night... and I just have to stop for a minute and really just sit back... and be thankful for the year that I have had... looking at the end of the year with perspective..
I have learned more this year about myself... learned more about what used to drive me, and what still drives me a little bit today..
I learned this year that I have to let things go... and that God has a plan for my life.. and it is not my right to know that plan. Right when I thought that I had some things figured out God would send a really slow driver right in front of me.. always giving me those suttle hints trying to teach me something. Always something to learn... Always something to work on.. Im a huge fan of "Progress not Profection." Because it always used to be about the perfection...
I am grateful. and when I am not grateful... I can be grateful that I am not where I used to be...
So there is a day left in 2009.. a day left in this decade. One more day until a new decade in my sobriety...

It's Getting Closer.

The holidays that is.. I have been working for the past couple of weeks almost non stop... but its ok because I love my job and I work with really good people... but no matter how much you love your job and how great the people are, you have to get away sometime.. and my time to get away is going to be on thursday night. I am going home to see the family and enjoy christmas. Very different then it used to be when I was going down there to give the family their dose of me for a little while.. just so I could try to deny my alcoholism and get back home so I could drink like I wanted to ... I always remember my first stop when I was coming back into my hometown, and it of course was a bar. That is so fucking insane... that is what it used to be about. the entire holiday season used to be about getting it over so I could drink like I wanted to..
Now its different.. and I am alive. I get to enjoy my family. That is what I am on this planet for.. to live, laugh, and love...

Ups and Downs.. but this, is beautiful

Today is a really good day.. and don't ask me why. I just feel it in the air.. and I can just see it all around me. Even though it is really very early, I know that things are straight today. I have a chance to just keep this ball rolling...there is alot of light at the end of the tunnel, but there is also alot of light around me..
This whole thing just amazes me.. I was talking with another person in the fellowship yesterday while I was at word and we were comparing stories... what had happened and what was happening now, and how we are both just amazed.. day in and day out there is just a light about it. I know that I have said it alot lately, but I know now that everything is going to be alright.... and that there is no more hopelessness. I can remember that feeling and I never want to go back to that.. walking my ass to a bar to get right at 6am... now I just have to ask God to get me right... and thank him for another day of sobriety..

All Part of the Plan.

I know that alot of you guys can relate... so help me out here for a second. Have you ever had something that were counting on.. (unrealitic expectation)... not come through for you. You have done everything in your power to get yourself to that point only to have things change when you get there. You have an idea of how its supposed to be... and others have told you that that's how its supposed to be.. but when you are finally there.. after all of the waiting, hard work, and compromise... things change right out from under you. Some that are close to me relate it to being tested... and the ones that crash and burn are the ones who were weeded out.. the old me would just say to heck with it. and leave. but thats not who i am.. and thats not what I am about. .. and thats why I got myself into so many bad places... that i thought i was right in..
but when its all said and done.. I am grateful that I am at where I am at.. and I know that its all a part of the plan.. thank God that I have a program. I don't know what I would do without it... I know what I would do.. I would retaliate and fuck everything up.. and thats why I drank.
So I have to look at my part in all of this.. thats what I have learned in all of this.. where is it that I am at fault.. I know that they are there.. its really funny how I just did my fourth step... then shared it with myself, God and another human being.. comes at just the right time...
So I know that this is all a part of the grand scheme of things..

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul

Hey there all...
Just went and saw a movie on my day off from work. It's called Invictus and it stars two of my favorite actors of all time.... Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon. I have been wanting to see this movie for a really long time. I have been really interested in South Africa and Nelson Mandela for awhile... The man always has been an inspiration for me.. The movie is about the South African Rugby team and the 1995 World Cup.. and how Mandela and the teams captain move to unite the country behind the team.
In the movie.. Nelson Mandela shares a poem that gave him inspiration during his 27 years of imprisonment .... It really moved me. So Im going to reprint it here.. I think that you will like it.. I do. It is a real inspiration to me.. being where I am at in life.. and what I have been through to get there..
I heard a really good friend say at a meeting last week about having his first baby... that he just is enjoying being where he is at.. the love of the journey and not so much the destination.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley 


Hope that everyone is doing good.. Talk to you soon...

Yea me

Sometimes there are people that have alot of years.. And they have
nothing that I want. Like really.. Not a damn thing. Some of these
people I feel really sorry for... Then again there are some that are
sicker then others. And I will pray for them.
I am right now.
I went to a really large birthday meeting tonight. There were 800 or
so people there. And all I could think of when I was looking at all of
these people was how "at home" I was. I am really glad that I am part
of this club. Very happy to be sober.

Think and Ask

Hey there everyone..
So after the last couple of days I have come to the conclusion that whenever I get into my own head and take things into my own hands... I fuck things up. Seems like its an old behavior pattern.. I feel that I used to do it alot more.. but I used to do it with alot more ego involved.. like I thought that I was always right and that everything really revolved around me. Now.. I am a little more mindful of other people.. but I still manage to screw things us..
I think that I need to bounce things off of other alcoholics and see what they think before I do really stupid shit. Think and ask before I act.

So I have a couple of really big days coming up.. Like this Saturday I am going to the Bay Area with my sponsor and going to a really big birthday meeting. Did I mention that I love birthday meetings.. I really love birthday meetings.  On the way up there we are going to do my 5th Step. Finally.. you say. Yes Finally...after being sober for almost 20 months... I am finally doing a 5th Step with my sponsor. I will let you all know how it goes.
Well... have a great day today.. I made a book that have alot of pictures of my life during the last 19 months... i am going to be giving it to someone special.. and on the last page.. basically the back dust cover i put in this.. its a blog entry that I had at the beginning of this year..

\Sprinkles.

learning.

It is so hard to hurt someone that you really care about. It used to be so easy for me to hurt people.. because thats the kind of person that I was. but now.. I am not like that anymore. My heart hurts and everything is thrown around. I am just trying to remember that everything happens in God's world for a reason.. and I am right in the middle of it..
I have said it over and over to myself today... But for the grace of God, Go I
Thats exactly how I feel today... I am but a passenger on this journey.. I have no idea where I am going. but I know that there is alot for me to learn along the way. I am learning alot today..

Everything Around Me.

I am really getting to love the holidays.. I have always really loved this time of year. but it has been for different reasons.. any excuse to drinks with friends and be merry. This year I am going up to the Bay Area and hanging out with my big sister and her husband. They make the best dinners ever... so i am super excited this year.
Something else recently happened to me... I changed my sobriety date. No I have not relapsed. but I realized that something was wrong when i was looking at some old pictures on my computer.. and saw that one of the pictures was dated Feb 24, 2008 and I was in a bar. That was the last time that I had a drink. I asked a friend of mine that was there the first day that I was in treatment... and she said that I was in her office at 8:30am on Feb 26th.. 2008. So there it is... my new sobriety date. Not like it really makes that big of a difference. But it does to me.. I just want to get it out there and be honest about it..
Well... I will be taking pictures. I hope that everyone out there has a great holiday.. especially my blog friend Sarah.. you deserve it lady.

Not Much New To Report.. except this.

Just another day in sobriety.. another bad typing day.. another day of hitting the delete key over and over and getting a little frustrated about it.. but I guess that it's Gods way of telling me something. Maybe that I should slow down just a little bit..
A little tired right now.. I was doing alot of talking while I was at work today.. I was sharing alot today.. my mouth was moving for all 8 hours.. and I never really knew just how much energy that took out of me..  but it took alot from me.. but in the end I felt really good about myself...
One thing that I really enjoy about my sobriety is that I get to feel good at the end of a day... and I dont have to feel bad... oh so very nice.

Balancing Act. Amazing

I just wanted to share this with you guys.. I really loved legos when i was younger.. but this is ridiculous

today

Today is inspirational for me.. I don't know why and I dont really care. All that I know that I feel this way and I never used to.

Memories..

Ok everyone.. This is one of my favorite people in the world... Nick Buzanski. This is the newest ad for Green Apple Books on Clement Street in SF. My old neighborhood... I miss these guys..
Ah.. the old days of going into Green Apple to look at the cute book chicks and spend way to much money next door buying DVD's that I would never watch. Its not a good idea to buy stuff when you are drunk.

Good Morning America... How Are You?

Hello there everyone. Just hanging out at my local coffee shop getting ready to get on the road again. This time I am going back to So Cal to get some dental work done. This is the kind of thing that I get to do in soberity.. Take care of myself.
Today is a whole new day. Different then the one that happened yesterday. I have the ability to start my day over if I want to.. That is a really big thing for me these days..
I am very happy to be here today.. and I am looking forward to this years holiday season more then I ever have before.. even more then I did last year... check this one out.

so here we go on another adventure. Heard from a really good friend of mine a couple of days ago... thinking that they may want to go to their first meeting.. makes me feel good...

An Experience that Ill never forget..

I love being in the right place at the right time.. seems like I always used to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.. but that really has changed in the last 20 months or so.
Today I went to a local middle school and hung out with the kids for awhile. I was invited to talk to the entire school about my experience with alcohol and drugs.. and all of the stuff that comes with it.  I have known about this for awhile now so I really had time to think about it... and that probably wasnt the best thing for me.. today when I got up I was going over everything in my head.. and then I thought of it as if I was going to share in a AA meeting. With a different audience.. a very different audience..
I got to talk to alot of kids.. sixth, seventh and eighth graders about things that are really effecting them on a daily basis.. and if it wasnt effecting them yet, it was going to in the future. I really just forgot about all of that thinking and planning that I had done before speaking and just shot from the hip.
It was a very very memorable experience. and it is something that I will never forget. something that I will never forget is questions that these kids asked. Right to the point and really no holds barred. I was impressed..
Its just another example of the awesome things that I get to do because I am sober. Another beautiful day in sobriety...
Its a really awesome thing that Jake Glazier and all of the teachers at CMS have done. I am really stoked that they let me come and hang out with them...

News Story about my aloha homies.

So Easy I do forget..

It is really easy for me to forget what it is that I am doing here. I am here to do work.. and that is the choice that I made almost 2 years ago. And there is sometimes that I forget just how deadly this whole thing is to us. But tonight I had one of those moments that really slapped me in the face. and it always has to do woth a newcomer... someone that is fresh and new.. beaten and broken.. with that look in their eyes.. the thousand mile stare... looking out onto us.. for help.

That is the reason that I am here. to help others.. to stay sober and help others t achieve sobriety..

Im super stoked.. tomorrow... I get to go speak to an assembly of middle schoolers... about drugs, alcohol, and choices.. this is what i signed up for.. yeah... 

Its a Good Day...

Today is a great day... and I can feel it. It is different then any other day that I have had before.. and I know that you ask why..Why is this day so much different?
Today is my 30th birthday... and I am sober and alive. Never thought that I would ever be sober on my 30th birthday.. If you would of told me on my 25th that I was going to be sober at 30... i would of laughed my ass off..
but here I am. 30 years of age.. looking at the years in front of me with complete awe and wonder. I like feeling this optimism. I used to wonder what optimism felt like. I tried to manufacture it with outside things never know that all that I needed was inside of me the whole time. I was the one that had to let it out. I was the one that had to let it be seen by all... and most importantly myself.  i love what I see...

another complicated day... or is it.

Just getting up and looking around.. just thinking about how fortunate that I am to be alive and to be in the place that I am at. Went to my favorite coffee shop in my hood and all of the people there like me and don't want me to leave. That is a really nice feeling.. that people like you and want you to stay in their establishment. Yesterday was a pretty big day..I had it off and I really did nothing, except nap and putz around on my computer.
I sat on my back deck last night.. and looked at my world in front of me and I smiled, because I knew that everything was going to be alright. That I was on the right path and I was exactly where I am supposed to be.
Day by Day things seem complicated at first.. then I remember that I have God. and then it seems alot easier.

I just love this..

I am Glad that I have this..

This really is a way to live.. that is really the main thing that I have gained over the past 600 days of sobriety... thats right I have 600 days today.. I remember when I first heard someone say that this was a design for living. I didnt know what that meant.. but it made me curious. I thought that I had a freat way of living all along.. thinking that everything was really alright.. then the wheels came off of the thing..
The reason that I give this entry the title that I did is that I really AM glad that I have this program.. because I dont know where I would be if it wasnt such a major part of my life. I think that I would be drunk or even worse... dead. Today was a pretty hard day at first.. I woke up and I was really out of sorts. I didnt know which way was up. Thinking about alot of the things that have happened in these 600 days and for some reason a dark cloud settled over my head... and I was off to work. Work is a place that I cannot afford a black cloud over my head... so what did i do. I relied on my higher power.. and I said a prayer. For him to take it.. and he did. the rest of the day went very smooth like.. and when I could feel myself getting a little crooked.. i just looked outside and closed my eyes... and said a prayer..
i am glad to be here.. and I am glad to be alive. and sober. love you all

It Could be the Little Things.

It really is the small things in life that are the best. I would have to say that I have been looking forward to this day the most out of any day on my entire trip...and this is something that I would of never of wanted to to before. Unless there was alot of alcohol involved.
Last night i was up at Grant Park in my hometown.. and i was talking with my brother about what Ventura means to us.. and how he wants to raise kids here.. I was thinking that it was a really great place to live. Now I really didnt have Ventura to high on my list during the last 11 years or so.. I really is just because of the place that I was at in my life. I always thought of it in such a bad light. Well I don't anymore... its a good place for family.
I am glad that I am here with my family...

I'm on the train.

I'm on the train.

Moving away from my current home. Going to my very first home... The
place where I grew up. The place that I knew first.. And the place
that I tried so damn hard to get out of. And really for no reason. It
never really did anything to me. It was just the teenager in me.
Growing up right next to the beach was never really a bad thing. I can
say that I took it for granted. Going to high school about a mile from
the beach.
I just never wanted to go in the water. It never really appealed to
me. Now it does and I wish that I would of started earlier.
So here we go. Just like my trip to Portland.... This is a vacation
for me. A vacation for my heart and for my soul.

Back to the Hometown

Tomorrow I leave on a train for my hometown.. I havent been down there in a little bit, but I am really excited to go. To really just hang out and see my family. See what they are doing and really just to be with them..
It a whole new world with my family back in my life. They were really never that far away.. I just made them that far. I was the one that put up the wall between us. It was a really big and tall wall...
They were always right by my side when I needed them... when I really needed help they were right there. I will always be thankful for that...
So for the next couple of days I will be posting things from my childhood.. and from the world that is Ventura, California.... some of my favorite places that i havent been to in a long time...

the Moments.

I just saw this... and it really struck me. The day to day things that we just roll right over and forget. We just move on to the next thing. I forget to take the moments for what they are... they are my life. 
I have been reading a lot about Positive Psychology recently.. and it really is amazing me. I never new that the study ever existed.
I am going to be mindful today. Taking everything in and trying not to take anything for granted..
Have a great day everyone 

times. like these

I have used this title before. but today I knew that I had to use it again..
One of my really good friends just had their first child.. a true miracle.
Its not enough that my friend and his wife are miracles in their own right but their baby... that is a true testament to what can happen to you in this life..
Things like that had never really even crossed my mind before.. well they did.. but it was always followed with the thought of how i would fuck the whole thing up. Now I can think about it in a different way... like some day I will be able to be right where my friend is.. I have always wanted to be a father.. it has always been a dream of mine..
So one day.. its going to happen. I know it is.. and that is something that I would of never of been close to if it wasn't for all of this happening..

Yesterday

I Finally Did it..

So i finally did it.. I have finally finished my 4th Step.. and it only took about a year and a half..
But for what its worth I have done really what i thought was not possible. I have written it all down. on paper.. right in front of me.. in black and white.
Just like the book says.. I am so glad that I have finally gotten to this place in my journey.. finally.
Now after all of this time i really finally see why it was written like this.. not really that complicated. This really is not a big Frueadian exercise.. it is meant to be pretty simple.
And it was much more simple then I had made it out to be...
I remember when I first started the whole thing. I was working at the fucking Old Factory. That was a long time ago.... not only in time but in life experience.
there are alot of things to talk about.. here we go... onto 5.

The Fall. and how much i do LOVE it.

I know that the fall season has begun all around me. I am a big fan of the weather and the way that it makes me feel.. Everything around me is falling off of trees and getting ready for winter. I love the way that it effects other people. I love all of the colors that it brings. It really makes you feel alive.. sometimes i feel like its the first time that I have ever felt that way..
It really makes you appriciate what is going on around you..
I like just stopping for a second and taking a breathe.. stopping for a second and realizing what is happening.. that i am alive to see all of this.

the Overall

I wake up this morning.. and I am feeling a bit different.and I really dont knew why, I can't really put my finger on it. but there is definatly something different..
Is it that I knew that someone was right in their decision. One that effected my life in many different ways.. is that it. I was thinking of that this morning.. that was different.
But i dont think thats it....
My heart is feeling really pretty good.. and i think its because i know that I am not in charge. Yesterday... I know that God was working overtime. nothing happens by accident in my God's world. Its all in his plan... and I am apart of that plan. and thats where I like to be..

I wonder

Sometimes I just wonder how it is that I got here. I look around at my surroundings and I think about how it used to be. where i would be back in the day... right now.. all that I can do is thank my higher power for bringing me here.
I wonder... over and over. I just think about it.. and i smile

A Great Morning...

Today I went back to my very first homegroup. The one that I went to everyday for a very very long time. I really dont know what was keeping me from going back to that meeting.. because everybody gave me big hugs right when I walked in the door. People asked me where I had been, adking me if everything was ok...
I told them that my life was good.. and that my recovery was very good.. I saw my first two sponsors both in the same room for the first time ever. That was really interesting.. I hadent talked to my second sponsor in a couple of months.. and I really just started talking to my first sponsor again..
So the day that I chose to go back to that meeting.. of all of the days that I choose... they were both there.. is God at work there.. I think that he is..

Another reason that I think that God was at work this morning... last night i set my alarm to get up for the meeting..it was set for 6:20. I used to get up earlier then that everyday for that meeting when I first started. I even took the bus to the meeting..
So I woke up.. and every excuse was going through my head.. all of the reasons that I couldnt get up... So i changed the alarm and tried to go back to sleep.. and I couldnt. That right there is God saying.... get your ass up. So I did..
and I am glad that I did...

Getting Down To It

When you are going over everything that you have done in your life
alot of things come up. Like they are supposed to. I guess that is the
purpose of the whole exercise. This is what it supposed to bring up.
The ways that things were done in the past and the way that they will
be done in the future... God willing. But for the grace of God go I.
Somethings really take alot of time to work out. To work their way
through your life. I can say that there are some things that have been
in there for at least ten years .... And are just finally getting
worked out.
I am glad that I am doing the work.

Off... With Another Lesson Learned.

Alright everyone. I am just about to get on the plane to go back to the bay area. and I have a little time to reflect on the past couple of days as i wait for the plane. Actually I really dont have that much time. So lets see how much that I can type before i get the call.
What a trip. I saw alot of great things about Portland that I wanted to see. There were alot of questions that I needed to answer about P-town.. Like how is the recovery. How is the message being carried. ...Like i am some saint of the message.
The message was awesome.. but I did only go to one meeting while i was here. And it was a great meeting..
How are the people up here? Well I got to see alot of old friends that I havent seen in a long time..
Another thing that I did notice was the network of really good people that my friends had around them. and they did alot of outdoor activities. Thats the thing that I really want to get into more... outdoor stuff.
Getting around the City was a really great thing. Like I said last night.. I biked around town with my friend.. and it was the first time that I had ever done that.. everyone in that town is on a bike. Being outside and getting exercise. Another place that I wanted to be..
The public transit was another great thing about Portland. getting around when you are not on the bike is really easy too.. and pretty cheap.
Overall.. the trip was exactly what i needed. It answered some questions that i had for myself too. Like i need to slow down with all of these plans that I have. Like I know what needs to be happening. I learned a renewed appreciation for my job. I have always loved my job.. but seeing how many people are out of work up in Oregon... I am SO happy to have a job.. and a job that I love.
So the bottom line is.. that everything is happening just like its supposed to.

Just File the Whole Thing Under Perfect..

Today was the last day of a great vacation. I would have to call it perfect. Thanks to my really great friends Jimmy and Kristy for being such awesome hosts... and letting me into their house. I was so so happy to be here. It was so great to get to meet their son Melvin.. someone who I know is going to be in my life forever now.. someone that I will always be in contact with.. forever..
I got to hang out with my friends Jack and Heidi.. and their son Jack.
All that I know is that alot was gained these last couple of days.. alot of understanding. More of a look into what i was and what I have become. and i really like what it is that I saw...

This just couldn't wait

Day Two. Little Jack.. and the Show.

My second day in Portland was awesome. I really loved roaming around town all day today. Its a great city to walk around and take public transit in. and I am all about public transit.. and the public transit in Portland is freaking awesome. the only other real viable public transit systems that i have been exposed to is in SF. and you know how much LOVES MUNI. yes... that is sarcasm. but out of all of the people that I have talked to around here about Tri-Met.. all that I hear from people is good things.. and I hear the word... LOVE. and that is really wierd to me when talking about transit..
I went to a meeting today. I know... I really really needed one. I love the fact that I can go to meetings in other places. I know that I have talked about this in the past.. but I love AA. and today was antoher reason why AA is such a way of life for me.. I checked the schedule... which is HUGE. and I found that there was a mens meeting at noon. and that was awesome.. a mens closed meeting at noon. I would kill for that shit in Monterey... and I told the guys that when I shared. So the meeting was just what i needed.. it really feels like this whole trip has been just what I needed.
After that I got back on the Portland Streetcar and got a hold of an old friend. Someone who has alot to do with my history.. and I havent seen him or his wife and son in a long time. So we got to hang out and talk about life and how much everything has changed in both of our lives..It was really great..
So above you will see a clip of Little Jack.. and his explanation of the Sun. and it is awesome.

The later on in the night... I went to a show at the Crystal Ballroom. This was the excuse for me to actually come up to Portland in the first place. To come and see a band that a friend had introduced me to awhile ago. and the played first.. at 8. Oh, by the way... We biked from his house all the way across the river and into downtown.. and I had never done that before. and it was awesome. my legs and ass still hurt...
The show was awesome...the band..called Amusement Parks on Fire was awesome. We didnt even stay of the other two band.. because that is what we came to see. Overall the day was so great... and I am starting to see things for what they are.. God is showing me what i need to see. Just like he always does... in his time.

Melvin.

So the first day is in the books. And i do have to say that I really like this town so far. I have only been here a day... but i like the way that it makes me feel. I havent been to a meeting yet.. and that is on the agenda for tomorrow... one of the first things that i am going to do..
Walked around downtown Portland right after I got here.. and I was glad that I was getting this chance. to be doing this. Thinking about all of the things that i have been through. and all that I have gained. every little thing has brought me to this point..
so here is the highlight of the trip so far. I got to meet my friends little one. Its so crazy how life changes and evolves.. right in front of your face.. and my higher power will always reveal whats important.

So here we go. Vacation.

Whats up everyone. Today is the first day of my vacation to Portland. and really it is my first vacation in sobriety.. ever. Im really excited to be off of work and at the airport. Everything is packed and I hope that I havent forgotten anything.. I kind of feel like a real dork.. but whatever, I dont care. The first thing that has happened to me so far was that I was patted down by the TSA. and I was trying to think about how that would of been if I had been drunk. because the last time that I traveded by myself I was toasted.
After all of the frisking I walked by the one of the airport bars. and the bartender was sitting in there all by herself... with no one to keep her company. I thought about how i would of been right there drinking at 11 in the morning back in the day. As a matter of fact I would of been there just about 2 years ago. I used to love drinking at the airport. It was part of the fun.
I do remember the last time that I was at the airport and I was drunk. I was fucking miserable. I was sweaty. and drunk. I remember thinking... this has to stop. I just don't know how its going to. That was the trip that took me into rehab.. I went into the coma 2 days later. Wow... how and experience like that can change everything. and how it did for me....
I remember the complete insanity... and how my brain was working.. and the chemicals that were controlling it. and how i feel right now. right at the start of something so good... and positive.. and possibly life changing. What am i saying...every experience in soberity is life changing..
See you guys soon. I will be posting pictures.

just like that.

It really is crazy how time effects things.. The things that seemed like such disasters such a long time ago. but really time is the thing that will always heal everything. I am not the biggest fan of people when they have told me this in the past. Like the people who say to me at a time of pain that if it's meant to be.. then it will be.. but I know that it is so very true. because in my life I know that things are supposed to happen for a reason.
People have come back into my life that I thought would never ever come back. People that would never have wanted me back.. but time has changed things. just like it always does. and when it dosent there is usually something very wrong with the people involved..
I think that I used to be the biggest holder of grudges .. what a waste of time and of energy.

Pink.

The Second Chance.

I am so glad and thankful that I got a second chance. That there was
another chance at doing something for myself. That the path that I was
on was ended without getting to it's end. It was almost given the
freedom to be my path. And I never did know any better.
I would of never of been able to have lived with myself if I would of
wasted all of that potential. I used to hate it when people would say
that I had so much potential. It was so on it's way to getting wasted.
But not anymore.

Learn.

Sometimes I really just wonder about Gods sense of humor sometimes. I
know that things are supposed to be happening for a reason and I know
that there is a plan. I know from past experience that I am not the
best plan maker. But damn it... Sometimes it just makes me kind of
mad. I know that I will have my turn.
I am really just trying to learn to trust. Trust in the fact that I
really don't know what's best for me. Damn it's hard sometimes. But
that's how it goes I guess. Live and learn.

See.

Apples and Oranges..

It is quite a beautiful day where I am... I have the whole day off and I am really getting alot out of the sun. I had quite the day yesterday. It started out with me being late to work for the first time ever. That was really fun, but hey it was the first time. and it was totally 100% my fault. I totally forgot to check Mr. iPhone before i went to sleep.. i think that my mind was somewhere else... I woke up with plenty of time.. I was going though my morning thing. getting ready to get some coffee and get on the internet machine.. and I got a text from a co-worker... asking me where i was. I am very very appriciative of this friend.. because she saved me from alot of headache.. so that is that. one point.. first one ever. everyone else has them.. and that is going to be my last.. no more assuming my schedule.
work was good.. but I really needed a meeting. and thank God for my Wednesday night mens meeting.. I couldnt wait to get there... and the meeting didnt disappoint. Someone that I really respect was the chair... and I got alot out of it.. exactly what i needed... then at the end. Someone spoke up.. and wanted to let everyone know about something that had happened to his son the night before.. he was found in a ditch, face down, choking on his own vomit... an angel saw all of this from across the street and ran over and turned him over.. saving his life. he went to the hospital.. and had a blood alcohol level of .4. he almost died... and got really scared in the process... the dad went to thank the lady yesterday.. and she had a 4 foot statue of St. Francis in her front yard... and my friend asked me if i would take his son to his first meeting, thats fucking awesome.
i left the meeting feeling full of life and loving this gift called sobriety.. and i was getting worried about a friend of mine. who i hadnt talked to in quite awhile. I needed to check in for me.. and i totally admit that. I need it. I ended up going into "old school richie" mode for a second and took somethings the wrong way. i feel that make progress everyday.. and then sometimes i revert back to old behavior not really meaning too.. until it happens.. i see my part in all of it. I guess i can thank the process of my 4th step for that..
when it is all said and done.. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. i have everything in front of me.. life, friendship, my sobriety, my future...
when i take a step back.. and look at the whole picture. I am quite fortunate for where i am at. even with the ups and downs.. such is life. and i get to be here for all of it.

Being Uncomfortable.

Have you ever been really really uncomfortable.? and with all of that came alot of fear. the fear of having to step outside of all of the comfort and outside of everything that makes your warm.
Especially coming from my perspective, a recovering alcoholic, the warmth and comfort is what I have come to rely on as a harbor in the storm.
Of course I retreat into what is sure, what I have built up around me in the last year and half. the reconstruction of my life that has been undertaken. sometimes I catch myself thinking about the destination.. and failing to see that the journey is what it is all about. I always have my level of comfort.. I never really thought of getting outside that comfort level.
but I heard something really good.. When you are uncomfortable, you are growing. I have been experiencing that alot today, and I am really liking it. Embracing the uncomfortable , knowing that it is what is moving me forward... trying to see the fear. and being aware of it.

next.

It has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks that is really what I live for.. now. It is a week of ups and of downs. Of my heart pulling me one way and then pulling me the other. that is what life is.. for me. Just watching the time go by.. and really loving what I see. I know that there are some really big things that are in front of me. Some very very bright things that are on the horizon..
I really can't wait to go see a couple of friends of mine in Portland in the middle of next month. Its something that I am really looking forward too.. I really never had anything to look forward to in the past.. other then going to SF to see the people that I care about. That really dosent happen that often anymore. Things have changed.. and I am changing with them, I guess. I do miss the old times. But i know that what is happening now is what is supposed to be happening. I am just looking forward to whats ahead. and thats a good way to feel.

What it Really means.

I have had the best past couple of days.. I have been working alot and that is a very good thing to me.. because I love my job. I had been planning on seeing an old friend in San Francisco for a long time. She is visiting from New York City and we havent see each other in over 2 years. Alot has changed in both of our lives for sure.

Another big part of my plan was to stay with tow people that I absolutly love. They are a married couple that I have been friends with for a long time. I consider one of these people my sister, because really thats how close that we are. It was going to be a really good time spent with people that I love and respect.

It turned out to be much more then that for myself and for my friends because there was alot of talking of big things between us. The concept of relationships in life was the main theme of the whole trip for me. High Quality relationships I have found are the foundation of everything really. These few highly valued friends are what makes life what it is.

Its something that has changed alot of things for me.

Good Morning Clement Street

It's a beautiful foggy morning in my old hood. It's good to be alive
and it's good to be sober.

Perfect

Busy Busy

deserving it.

Do you have a person in your life that only deserves the very very best? Someone that has done nothing to hurt you ever. Someone that has really only wanted the best for you. and really the only thing that you have done is to shit on them. I have a couple of people in my life that fall into that category.
I can honestly say now that there was a time when I really could care less about people and how they felt in the long fun. There feelings were not really on my mind.
I have been able to do some things for some people that i really love to try to make up for what i did to them. Somethings that I had the ability to do. It feels good to be able to do things for other people and not expect things back in return. Those feelings of emptyness have been replaced with a feeling of warmth. I love to see people that I can about happy.
When I see people smile, it really makes me smile now.... and I like that.

Damn Cool Kids.

One Track

Today is a day that started off innocent enough. Really just like the
ones that have come before it. I have been doing a new routine for me
over the past week or so. It's really all about finishing things. I
think that the seed was really planted while I was in treatment...
Doing what needed to be done over the short term. Like making your bed
everyday.. Doing the dishes.. Washing your face and your hands. I
remember how stupid I thought that these things were at the time. But
I can see how they have made a print on my life.
So the day is good. I feel like I am moving forward, like this is the
way that it's supposed to be happening. I see the overall picture. And
what ever is supposed to happen will happen. No matter what it
invloves. I am sure of one thing. That I am alright. And that I am
exactly where I am supposed to be.

Its's a Sunday Sort of Thing.....

I really dont know why... but I always really like getting up and going to work on Sunday. Tonight is really no different.. Im pretty happy with where I am at right now. I just got back from a meeting.... it was one of those times when I really didn't want to go to a meeting... I drove around the parking lot a couple of times.. had the excuse in my head that there were no parking spots and that I could go home and get on my computer... Then I remembered that this is when I really needed a meeting. I mean really need a meeting. The only person that I was hurting was myself...
So I went. I could feel myself getting kinda annoyed during the meeting.. Its really just with this one person. So I know that I have to write about that person... and do some work around them. I was reading in the Big Book today... about resentment being the number one killer of the alcoholic. I have been going on long enough with all of this inside me.. so today I started putting pen to paper.. and doing work.
It is all out there in front of me... All of it. I just have to do the footwork..

Responsible.. it's something new..

So I have been riding this wave of badness for the past couple of days.. and I did't want to tell you guys about it. until it was done. It was something that was really personal and I just couldnt put it down on this page. Even thought I know that this a great place to get all of those feelings out.. but this was some crazy shit..
I got tested for HIV last week.. and all of the other STD's. I was supposed to go to the doctor on Tuesday to get the results... ot actually for him to talk to me about the results. Today is Tuesday... so next fucking tuesday. This has been rattling around in my brain for the past week. I have never been tested before. and that is a really bad thing... I really did not care about getting tested before because I could really give a rat's ass.. there was so much fear surrounding it that all that I had to do to get rid of it was drink. and thats what i did. I would always just drink.. and that would fix that.
But I did it... with some pushing along by someone that i love and care about. Thanks to that person... she know who she is.
I was really having trouble doing anything really... My head was really taking me into some really messed up places. My motivation level was way low.. I didnt care about what was going on around me. I really really tried just giving it up.. and that worked.. until i thought about it again. I talked to my sponsor about it.. and I prayed about it...
Then today.. I just thought to myself... why the hell do i have to drive 30 minutes to get there results next week... I sould be able to call and get them right now... so i did.. and they said that i was clean.
Wow.. it was a total relief. just to think about how far my mind did go....but all of thats over now..

I was talking to my sister... and she noted that she would get into that place as a defense mechanism. Thats exactly what it is...

I really like Sleep

Right before I go to bed.. and lay my head down to sleep. I have to remember how scary this whole prospect used to be to me. How much I dreaded sleeping... or trying to sleep. Really because I never really did sleep.. I just passed out. Then I would have really scary dreams... that I would not remember. But if I ever did wake up... I would have to take a couple of drinks to get back to sleep..
Im so glad that I can just lay my head down and sleep now...
Good Night everyone...

Just don't drink... no matter what.

I remember when that statement was the last thing that I ever wanted to think about. There was not way that I would ever not drink. It was how I dealt with everything. Don't worry everybody... I'm not thinking about drinking. I was just thinking about the tools that I have been given with this program. I wonder how people that do not have AA go about their daily lives without going crazy.. All of the everyday things that come up for me are meet with what i have learned from other people that have come before me in AA.
I think the most important thing that I have learned from this one and half year journey is honesty. I think that I used to lie more then I told the truth... I think that everything that came out of my mouth was a lie.. I didnt even know what was the truth.. The whole path of rigorous honesty was a very new and foreign thing to me. and I thought that I was never going to be able to go through with it. but I have... I am trying to tell people exactly how I feel and exactly how things are effecting me.. I have never really thought about other people when I was in my disease... It was really all about me. I am having a great time checking my ego at the door. That is what the master plan of all of this is for me..

Plans...

I have some plans.. that I have just made. I know that Im not really supposed to have plans.. but these ones are really good ones. I have made plans to go to Portland, Oregon. Im going to go there to see a really great friend of mine... one that I havent seen since Ive been sober. One that I knew from the bar that I used to work at...
Its something that I can look forward to.. something in the future that I can see.. Its a really good step for me. I had to save some money... but thats what has to happen. I know that everything is going to be alright. So I will keep you all informed about the trip... and I will take lots of pictures. but dont worry... Im not leaving until mid September. Plenty of time..

Oh How Soon I Forget..

It really does happen to an alcoholic insane person like myself. I sometimes forget where it is that I came from.. what I have gone through.... and what I did to get here. Wow... how soon I do forget what is important to me.
Tonight.. I went to a really great meeting. One that I had heard about from alot of my friends in the program. but had never been to. When I went into the room.... there were alot of familiar faces in the room. People that were like signposts in my recovery. One of the first people that I had seen when I went into my recovery house.. one of the people that I had lived with when I was in my sober living house... it was really great.
I ended up chairing the meeting. And it was exactly what i needed. I needed a reminder... the reason why i was here. and the reason that I have what I have. God... and the Program.

Trust.

I have to remember that I have to trust. Trust in the process. and Trust in my higher power.

The Ice Cream Cone..

So I have this recurring thought that I have had since I was really young. It must have happened a LONG time ago.. It was when I was with my family in Maine. We used to vacation there almost every year.. during the summer. I can remember holding on to an ice cream cone... down by the town pier. I can remember that the cone was that vanilla swirl soft serve stuff that is always really good... The kind of stuff that I love now (thanks sobriety) I can also recall that the cone was dipped in cherry or strawberry hard coating stuff.
The next thing that I can remember about it was crying... and feeling sorry for myself. I dont know if the ice cream fell. or what happened to me.. all that I can remember is crying. And this over welming feeling of self pity...
Its crazy the memories that you can recall.. even after all of these years later. It makes you think what they all really mean.. what is their place in the grand scheme of things..

It's OK everyone. There is a plan.

Good Day all. Just wanted to say hello to all of you on this beautiful day. I hope that it's beautiful where ever you are... I just came off of two days off. Which was a very very nice thing. I really loved every minute of it... But with two days off.... means about 7 days on. And that is where I am right now... and I can tell you right now that I am pretty happy to have a job that I really love. becuase that is such a reason for where I am at right now. I cant even imagine having a shitty job. One that I really hated to go to everyday. That would be torture. I see some people around me that really hate their jobs.. but they are doing what they have to do to get by... and thats just the way that it is..
well everyone.. till next time. and it will be later this week

On the Verge.

I know that I am on the verge of something really big in my life. I mean this is only the start. This year I turn 30 years old.. and almost everyone that I have talked to.. especially the ones that are in recovery.. say that their 30's were the best years of their lives. Im pretty excited to be 3o years old. I know that there are going to be alot of things that are going to change in the next couple of years.. and I can feel that they are only really just beginning..
Im back in San Francisco again.. seeing some old friends. just hanging out really... just watching the evidence of my old life. standing right in front of me.. God I am glad that I am sober.
As for the verge thing... I can feel it. I really can feel it. I have been sober for a year and a half. Another thing that is so amazing to me..
I really like this feeling..

here a little thing that I just found.

So I was looking through some pictures that I had found recently.. and I came across this one. This was right before I went back into the Beacon House. I had just left the hospital... for the second time.

Such is Life

So I went to a show tonight.. one of the first ones that I have ever gone to sober. Well I have been to a few since I stopped drinking. but for some reason this one was really pretty different.
It was in a small club in downtown San Jose that really reminded me of one of the bars that I used to work in. I really liked it... the vibe, the look, pretty much everything. All of the people that were milling around.. with their drinks. One thing that I realized when I was looking around was how there really wasnt anyone that was totally shit-canned.... like i would of been. Actually I wouldnt of even of been at a show.. I would of been as far as I could be away from that large of a group of people.. I remember when I was towards the end of my drinking.. that kind of crowd would of scared the shit out of me.
The show was really good. And I could really see everything.. maybe that was because there was no one tall that was in front of me..
no... it's because I was sober and present to see it. And I was really glad that I was. I told the friend that I was there with... that I think that I could really enjoy live shows... now that I really dont have to preoccupied with the booze.. how much booze do i have.... are there any booze at home... and if i would get back to the hood in time for last call. Who knows... maybe my 30's will be all about live music. such is life

Pulling up.

Its another beautiful day in sobriety.. and I couldnt imagine any other alternative. I often wonder sometimes how I went for so long living in that complete insanity. Living day in and day out in that alcoholic wasteland. Doing the same destructive things over and over again... not really caring about the result. I remember how stupid I used to think people that got sober were. and how they were missing out on their lives.. by not drinking. The same thinking was to haunt me for the beginning of my sobriety. I used to drive by bars and wonder what was going on inside... wondering what I was missing out on. Wanting to be talking to drunk girls... but then I remember that when I was deep in my disease.. I really never wanted to talk to girls. All that I wanted was the booze loving. I could really live without women. there was no booze in them, much live how I could live without water. No booze in water or food.
So I have been on cruise control for the past couple of weeks. I got a new sponsor and am working the steps. and I am going 100% this time. no stopping this time. So I am happy to report that I am seeing some light ahead. I am doing some things for myself lately.. which I have always wanted to do but have never had the drive. Like exercise... and something else really wierd happened to me yesterday. I was in a grocery store and I was looking at some of their prepared foods... and I was wondering how it was made. THAT IS CRAZY. Cooking and the desire to cook have never been with me. But lately i have been thinking about the stuff that I put in my body. I know... I never cared before. but now i do... go figure.
Well everyone. much love form Richie Rich

its Right.

So you know when something happens that you know is right.. but dosent feel good at the moment. Yeah thats what happened to me.. I guess that this is the difference now, being in recovery. Thinking about situations in the grand scheme of things. I used to really just think about how a situation would effect me. and really say fuck you to the rest of the world. Self preservation and protection was the name of the game. I could feel myself sitting back and thinking things out that were said. and i liked the progress that I had made. it seemed like a small thing. but i know.. its not..
Tomorrow i go to the doctor.. it's the first time that I have been to the doctor since I was in a coma over 16 months ago. the first thing that I am going to tell this guy is that I am an alcoholic. See what he says about that.
Much love to everyone. and to that one person in particular.... I am proud of us.

Communication

I know what you are thinking... Communication is the key Rich. It really is... I know, I have heard it so many times in the past. And it is pretty much the biggest thing that is involved with my work. It makes everything easier and it makes for better interactions..
but for some reason it has always been my m.o. to keep the communications to a minimum with it comes to people that I care about. And that is really the time for the greatest level of communication between two people. I get so caught up in my own head that I forget about the outside world.. it was alot worse when I was drinking.
Everything has changed in my life in the last year or so. as you all know... I cant reference myself to what I used to do and how I used to operate in certain situations.. thats not how it works anymore. I know that I can do anything that I want if i put one foot in front of the other...

500.

So today is day 500 in my sobriety.
And all that I can do is smile and be thankful for all of the days that I have had. All of the days that have led me here. All of the people that have been with me. Everyone that has talked me through all of those moments... All of these things, one day at a time.
I was walking out my door this morning, looking at the Monterey Bay, thinking about the last 500 days. I called the water company about our bill... and I thought to myself... wow, you would of never of done that before.. without a few drinks.
It's funny to think of all of the things that I used to have to have booze to do. Just to get out of bed. It was never like that at the beginning.. but it soon got to be that way. Alcohol became a crutch that I could not live without.. that I did not think that I could be without. It really is amazing the beating that the human body can take... and I put my body through hell. At the time I really could care less about what was happening to me. The consumption of alcohol was what I had become.. At the end.. I didnt want to talk to anyone, I didnt want to talk to any girls, I didnt want to watch baseball (God forbid), I didnt want to walk down the street unless it was on the way to a bar.... I didnt want to do anything. All that I really wanted to do was drink, and pass out. It was my way of escaping everything that was going on around me... I hated to word potential, with a passion.. because it was always used in the same sentence as my name. Ususaly the word "wasted" was in there too.... for a couple of reasons. hehe.
I remember thinking when I first got into rehab.. this will all change when the alcohol is out of my system. All of this will be gone. And that was the furthest thing from the truth. The booze were merely a symptom. There was alot more going on inside richie rich.. alot more to deal with. That was when I realized how messed up this disease really was. and when I realized how much work this was going to be... how the work would never ever stop..
And the work will never stop. That has been very evident to me in the last two weeks or so. It can never stop... because I can very easily go back to where i was before all of this..and I never do. So I thank my higher power for 500 days or walking in the sunlight of the spirit...

Life

today it has been quite a bitch. really pretty hard if you do ask me.. I am praying lately.. going to meetings and talking with my sponsor..
but no matter what.. I really do miss her especially much today. and I dont know why. I have no idea what it is that is going to happen.. and i have no control over it.
All that I know is that is.... it is really hard today. and I know that my higher power is right there behind me..

You just have to have it.

Faith that is. You just have to have in when you are in this game. That is what my entire day has been about. Faith that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to . Its when all of my little plans and designs come into play that my whole mind gets all fucked up. I know that I am in the exact place that I am supposed to be. but part of me dosent like that place and thinks thatI have to change it. or do something that will effect that change. but i really have no idea what the fuck is good for me. I have never been good at knowing what was good for me. thats the whole problem.
So I need to remember that what I need to have is faith. Thats what I am trying to do..

Dance like no one's watching

I was just talking to some of my old friends.. Some people that I used to hang out with a long time ago.. when i was out every night in San Francisco.. long before the whole working at a bar thing was going on. This is when I was out dancing my ass off.. at underground parties and little unknown spots. The places that were always at danger of being shut down by the SFPD at any moment. I can remember some of those times when I would just dance like no one was wathcing.. not even giving a fuck. Those were the times when I really fell in love with san Francisco. at those parties in those lofts and warehouses South of Market... I loved being able to help out with everything.. getting everything that I could to help the party go down.. and then get to dance around at the party later that night... i loved that shit.

These are the times that let me know im alive

Hey there everyone. Another day in the sobriety of Richie Rich has come and is almost gone. Today started out pretty good I must say.. as I went to my local farmers market and did a little shopping for my self. went home and put all of the veggies that I had bought into a big pot and let it simmer. And then started to eat it... you know, like you are supposed to do when you make food. I wouldnt really know because I have never really made food for myself... so it was quite the adventure.
Then I got a phone call from my lady... and she had some thing that she wanted to talk about. And it was something that was pretty important... and I could tell that it was. It was about our relationship... and how intense that it was. and how early in sobriety that she was..
Something that I really did know was coming. but was wishing really wasnt.. I know that it is the right thing at this point.. but it hurts like a bitch...
I really opened myself up... and I am glad that I did. but with it being open... it is obviously very open to taking a hit.. straight on.
I mean I know how I was feeling when I was 6 months sober.. and I know that I was in no place for a relationship. but once again I thought that I was different. and once again this is God's way of telling me that I am not. and it is the check that I need I guess...
but it still hurts like a bitch...
I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.. and it hurts. but this is what I get to see today... and I dont have to drink about it.

Sunset. I get to see this

do the work...

Wow... when I am not on top of my game I know it right away. when I am not doing what I need to be doing for me... it really really effects me. Something really small has gotten me kind of worked up.. and it really shouldnt have. the way that I am feeling reminds me of how I used to react to similar situations from my past.
I am starting work with my new sponser tomorrow... and I am really glad that I am. because it is not a moment too soon I must say. This is something that used to be commonplace in my life... a feeling that I was the one that was always right. Like I was the person that must always be heard...
and I know that this is not the case anymore..That there are for more factors at play now. and that this is not me now...I know that there is work to be done. and I am the one that will be doing it.

Which side are you coming from?

Something that I will always have with me from my second sponsor is.... am I coming at the situation from a place of love or a place of fear. That is something that I will always come in to play in my life. No matter where things take me.... Thanks Adam.

there comes a time..

today was one of those really big days in my sobriety... one of those days that really just should of happened earlier..
so in the last couple of posts i have been hinting that something was really pretty wrong with the way that I was doing things. I have just been sitting back and resting on my laurels for a long time.
Like classic Richie Rich fashion... I have made a situation a whole lot bigger then it ever really had to be. I pretty much dragged out something that really only should of taken five or ten minutes and streched it out over 3 weeks.. This overwhelming feeling of dread, fear and doom has been looming over my head like there was some cataclysmic event that was heading my way. Like something that was far worse then anything that I had ever been through before.
So... I took care of what was bothering me. I decided that I needed to work with a new sponsor. And I made it seem like I was breaking up with a high school girlfriend. I had done it before. I had changed sponsors before and I did the same thing exactly... except that my first sponsor was a little more scary looking then my second sponsor...
I went to a meeting at noon today... and right when I walked in I was asked to pick the topic and share a little bit. and that was God's way of telling me that i should shit or get off the pot.... so my topic was about fear. and that is what I choose to talk about... and many of the men talked about living in the now.... and I was clearly not living in the now. at all..
when I left... I knew that this was the time.
But when I finally stepped up to the place with a bat in my hand and did what I had to do... it was really easy. and my sponser totally understood what was happening..and we both knew that it was the right thing.
so now i am getting a new sponsor... and starting the steps all over again. and I am excited.

Suns out... its ALRIGHT

Good day everyone..
So heres the plan for today. I have the day off and I am going to turn the clock back. But don't be worried.... Im not going to turn it back that far. Im not going back to the days of day drinking and tripping over myself. No way... I am going to go back to just about a year ago. When I didnt have a real job... and all that I did was walk around my town, just walking and being really happy to be alive.
I am going to fill this days journey with pictures. Then I am going to talk to my sponsor.... and see what direction is in store for me.
Wow.... it's pretty nice to even have that choice today.
I have a really good friend... that is going away for a couple of weeks. and I really hope that she is going away for what I think that she is going away for. That would be awesome.

on and on

So I have managed to work myself into a little frenzy. and it is all my doing. Something that i have gotten myself into. Just like I used to go. Only this time its not really as major as it used to be when I was out there. But the common theme in these is that I have gotten myself into it. Really just making a mountian out of a mole hill...
There are some changes that are in the works. And I know that they are going to be a good thing. Its just putting one foot in front of the other.
I never knew in the begining of all of this how much fear played such a huge role in pretty much everything in life.

What a Crazy Thing...

There are some of those people that get up in the morning to go out of their way to mess your up. I am so not one of those kind of people... I think that I may of used to have been. but not anymore. I treat people with respect and dignity... and some people just dont.
I dont know really why. I think that it must be their upbrining... or the way that they have been socialized. where and what they grew up around. I guess that i was just brought up different.
Today... some people came around me that just made me really tense. I could feel the bad energy just eminating from them. It really started to stress me out. and all that I could think of was trying to keep calm and keep breathing. and after it was all said and done.. I prayed about the whole thing. and everything was all good. it took some time, but at the end of it... all was well

Another Day... Another Decision

Really important decisions are made everyday by all kinds of people. Decisions that effect their lives and the lives of other people around them...things that will make or brake them.
Decisions are a part of life for most people.. for me they were always pushed to the side. Like they could be taken care of later. Like they didnt deserve my attention. Some of this lacking really in the end hurt me and other people.
Now that I am sober. I get to make decisions on a daily basis... and i get to see people make choices that will change their lives forever. These monumental scary decisions..that have everything riding on them.
I remember how scary it was to go to treatment for the first time. I think because there was so much fear of the unknown. I was always wanting to be in control of everything around me. The master of my domain. When I finally did let go and give up my fighting... was the moment that I realized that I was finally safe.
And safety was all that I ever wanted.

Having a Choice

Another beautiful day in sobriety for me and many others....
My "little sister" in recovery is celebrating one year of sobriety today...and she is 19 years old. Something like that is so amazing to me..being 19 years old and having a year of sobriety...
She like me was one of those people that I thought would never get to a year. I never imagined that I would ever get there either...but she did.
I went to my morning meeting to celebrate her big day.. and it was so very hard to get up. I really didnt want to go..and if it wasnt for her birthday i probably would of never of gotten out of the door. But for some reason, God had other plans for me today. I got out the door this morning. And in true AA fashion, heard exactly what I needed to hear.
Having a choice today... I never had a choice before. I never had the choice to not drink. Even though that it was there, I was too blind to see it. Now that I have a little time... drinking never really ever come to me anymore. Now I have that choice. I have the choice to do the work.... or not to do the work.
I have been in a little lull lately. Doing the same thing everyday.... basically working... going home...watching a movie... missing my girl...not really focusing on anything. Someone really important to me said something this morning at the meeting...
She said..."this is the time that we are going to look back on.. and say, this is the time that defined our sobriety..."
Sometimes quickly... Sometimes slowly

No Matter What Happens....

Somedays when I wake up in the morning I arise in kind of a funk, and I dont know what its all about. Its the funk that I used to wake up with all of the time. The way that i was so used to feeling every single day. Always waking up with a big hangover...
I went to my meeting this morning.... and heard a really great guy speak. It's almost the end of my 6 month commitment as secretary of my favorite saturday morning meeting....
The topic was taking a second to pause. Taking a second to really look at the 24 hours ahead of yourself...
Im afraid sometimes that I am forgetting how bad it was back then.. and really how close that I came to death. I pray that I never go back to that place and time, but I know that it is really that lose to me.
When it all is said and done.. the most major difference in my life today is that there is hope. Hope that was never there before. I know, deep down, that my worst day sober is better then my very worst day drinking. I am so thankful for this Program and for all of the people that are in it that help me get centered...
It is what I need everyday...everyday for the rest of my life.

Wow...what a difference.

I was just listening to this group of really loud men that are outside of my house...yes it is Friday night and I know that boys will be alcohol fueled boys..but damn are they really annoying...not even really making any sense at all, just yelling out into the night air...sort of like wild dogs.
Well..tonight I really needed a meeting. I haveent been to a meeting almost all week. That is way too long of a time for me..I never really usually get Friday night off so I was pretty happy about tonight...because I was able to go to my favorite mens meeting.
These are the guys that I hang out with on my Friday night. This is waht I choose to do. and I love it...
This a group of men that really have made a great deal of difference in my recovery. It's a problem solving meeting...so really just whatever is put out there by the leader..then thats what we talk about. And all different kinds of things get brought up...it is a place that I can contribute and really just learn how its done. There is alot of sobriety in that room. Alot of people that I look up too...and there is alot of people in that room that respect me.
Its really a great place to get honest and really just put it all out on the table. It gives me so much hope to see men who have gone through all kinds of crazy things in sobriety... and not picked up a drink. thats what i learn from..thats what I go to meetings for..to hear the solution...

Shit we can tell our grandkids about...

Yesterday was one of the best days that I have ever had in my life. It was one of those days that I will defiantly be telling the next generations about..I got to spend the whole day with my little brother. well he really is only my little brother in age only. He is bigger then I and sometimes he seems like he is a little older in other ways...
We struck out on our journey pretty early in the morning. Our quest was to go to two different baseball games, two different parks, two different leagues, four different teams...all in one day. I had this idea a little while ago and it seemed like a really cool thing to try and do. After we left Monterey...we started to realize that this trip was going to mean a whole lot more then we had thought. I was something that we had never ever heard anyone else talking about..no one else ever doing. It was somethng that we were doing....as brothers.
We had breakfast and then it was on to game one...12:45 start, My team, My cathedral... the San Francisco Giants and AT&T Park, 3rd and King streets in beautiful downtown San Francisco. It was a beautiful day..and the park was, as always, awe inspiring. The Giants ended up losing the game..but it was still great.
Then off to our second stop...my American League team the Oakland Athletics..and the Oakland Coliseum. this stop was going to be a little different though...because we had gotten seats from a friend of ours for this one. and we really didnt know where they were going to be..we knew that they were going to be good...but we didnt know at the begining just how good. They were right behind the plate...not the normal right behind the plate seats..but the "you are closer to the batter then the pitcher" behind the plate seats...the seats that when you are watching the people that usually sit there on tv....you make fun of them but are secretly jealous...those seats. Awesome.
It really gave me a whole new perspective on the game...and a whole new love of it.
The day was awesome...something that we I or my brother will ever forget. It was a great day. I even think that we will start doing it more often...

Old Times..and Old Friends

I got to see a really great friend of mine that I havent seen in 2 years over the weekend. Not only did i get to see him but I also got to see his whole family...which was really a treat. They were really big parts of my high school years and many years after. This friend of mine is a really special friend..because not matter what happens...or how much time has gone buy it always seems like w ehave never missed a beat with each other. and I really dont have any other friends that i have had for that long that I can say that about..It almost scary. He is one of those people that is totally going to be in my wedding...even though I have only seen him a handful of time since I left my home town...
Then again...seeing him reminds me time is a going by. Im almost 30. and really I cant wait for my 30's because everyone that I have talked to that are over 30 say that they LOVED their 30's. The ones that I have talked to that say that they hated their 30's and that they really just wish that they could go back to their 20's remind me of those people that are in meetings that have a boatload of time but have nothing that I want.
My brother is coming up to see me and hang out tomorrow...and I am really looking forward to it. My brother and I's relationship has grown very much stronger since I got sober. It was always pretty strong but I know that this whole thing has really just cementeted it for ever...He was the one that took me back to treatment after I relapsed. That is something that neither him or I will ever forget. but just like old times...that is in the past.
Have a happy Tuesday all...love you tons

Happy Mothers Day Everybody..

Just need to give a big shout out to all of the mamas in recovery out there. And to all the other mothers out there. I love and respect you very much. I really wish that my mother was around to see all of this...but I know that she is up there watching everything...and really laughing..
Im having the perfect Sunday in the City. With the person that I love..and in the City that I love...and it helps that I got a new computer..that makes me love typing.
love you all

Yea For Us!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that we finally had elections for our area's Young People's Committie..We have only been trying to get this thing going for over a year and a half..
I know..I have only been sober for a little bit over a year...but I have heard stories...
The Monterey Bay will be a-buzz with new young peoples activities..I cannot wait. I hope that everyone is good. I am doing pretty well....all things considered..

Validation Station...

I was thinking this morning in my meeting about how I am trying to allign myself with the plan that my god has for me...and not trying to run perpendicular to Gods plan. Thats the way that I have always tried to do things it seems. See what I want and then do anything, or run over anyone, to get it. When I heard someone talking about the difference between "our wants" and "our needs" I can remember a light going off. There are still so many wants...and I know that God is taking care of my needs. If I let him.
I am happy to be sober today. I hope that everyone is doing good out there...

Made a Conscious Decision

Hey there everyone...
Today. Im making a conscious decision to just let it all go...and let my Higher Power just take it all. I am not in control of any of this...and he is.
When I woke up this morning I said a prayer...and thanked my Higher Power for three things...
1. Im Alive
2. Im Sober.
3. and that Im a member of Alcoholics Anonymous...

Right On Its Head

Wow, just how amazing how things can change right whenyou least expect it.
I woke up this morning with a really bad perspective on my day. How it was going to be really bad..right from the start. I secretary a meeting every saturday. and I wasnt really looking forward to going this morning...but the second that I got there...it all changed. I was greeted by friends that I have made through this program. The topic was the third step prayer..and contempt prior to investigation..
And all that I could come back to this morning was My Higher Power...and how I now have a conscious contact with my Higher Power...i love that...

Is this Heaven?

It all Crashed.

We were reading Bill's Story in my morning meeting and it seemed that
this morning it was really hitting alot of us in the room. My
homegroup has alot of people with alot of time that have read that
chapter many times. There is always something different everytime.
What was really grabbing me this time was his discription of himself
towards the end...the hopelessness and the madness. When the delerium
started to set in. I started to think about how I was when my DT's
started to settle I over my head. How Bill describes dragging his
matress downstairs and putting it outside his window just in case he
jumped. How I felt when all that I thought would save me was jumping
of something alot bigger.
How a belief in a power greater then himself would return him to
sanity. And how full of crap I thought that was when I first came in.
Now I know that it's Alcoholics Anonoymous that has helped me discover
a higher power that is mine for the first time.
It's so amazing that a drunk that hit bottom thanks in part to the
stock market crash of 39 would start this whole thing. Thank God.

Game On!!

It's crazy to me just how much you can lose with this disease. Things
that you have loved your whole life..things that were once part of
your healthy identity. Good things that you were once known for and
respected for. All of a sudden these things become more and more less
important in your life. Then they are all the way gone. Just poof
right in front of your face. For me other things just seemed to take
precident. Drinking just moved right in front of itnall.
I bet you are wondering why I'm saying all of this...well ..I signed
up for a hockey league tonite. I had started playing when I was 10.
Played very competitively for a very long time. And then my drinking
and using seemed to be more important. I haven't played in 3 years.
It's time. This is
A really big thing for me. But it really is time. Wish me luck. Hope I
don't break a hip.

Richie Fredell

Smoke em if you got em...

Hey there all...
Just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. I have been really enjoying my mens meetings lately...like alot. I heard someone recently describe meetings with the word "refreshing"...and thats what they have been to me lately...being able to really sit down and listen. hearing what God wants me to hear...and there is alot of things...
Im at the library. I just paid my fines....they were $7. i feel really good about little things like that. Being a responsible part of society...helping keep the Monterey Public Library going...
something funny is going on right now....great things that i get to observe. A guy is getting computer help from the librarian...and they are talking about how to use Google. (which is funny in itself)...and then there is another older lady that is telling them to be quiet...with a shooshing sound. classic. i love soberity

Good....

mush

So I have been really digging into the 12 and 12 in the last couple of nights. It seems that when Im down and I just want to communicate with my higher power....i can pray, or I can read the literature. The 12 and 12 is really the best thing ever. I am reading steps 3 and 4 right now. and I can finally really just start to comprehend them. after a year of soberity...alcohol and what it does to your body and brain...is crazy

It's Pretty Apparent To Me

I woke up this morning in my new house..and looked out at the the sun
rising over the Monterey Bay...and I just knew that my God has a plan
for me. After everything that has gone on in my life over the past
while...I know there is something. That is bigger then me ..and it's
not me

The Hayday...

I'm sitting in a coffee spot in Carmel. One of my favorites in the world. Right smack dab in downtown Carmel...my adopted little rich person town. I'm listening to some Carmelites talk about their hayday in San Francisco. And how the City used to be when they were there...kicking ass and taking names. They talk about their old haunts and watering holes...and it is really hard for me to not chime in. I just want to say...I've drank there, Ive drank there!! And almost every place that they mentioned..I had memories. Or lack of memories...
Then..my mind went to my last drink. And how scared I was to take it. How bad that I wanted it...and how bad I didn't want it. Knowing now about how much fear dominated my life....that last one was some scary shit! The rest of that day wasn't a picnic either. But I had to get through it.
I signed the lease on a house yesterday...i'm living with a good friend. And if you would of told me a year ago that I would have a full time job with the company that I do...and have a house that had the most beautiful view of the Monterey Bay ever...I wouldn't of believed it. Not for a second. The gifts of that last drink...I am a grateful alcoholic. Now I really know what that means.

Please and Thank Yous.....Thank You

When I was little one of the first things that I can remember my aunt really emphising was saying please and thank you. I remember how pointless that I thought that it was. How I thought that really had no point at all. I was really young and I didn't see the purpose. As I got a little older I really didn't see it because I was way too busy thinking about myself and how people saw me. I could care less about common courtesy. Then as things shook out further..and my head changed a little bit...please and thankyou took center stage. Just acknoledging the interaction with another human. And then thanking them for being a part of it is a really big thing for me now. It goes to show you just how much those seemingly small things really mean. I feel all mature...and that is something very new coming from this mouth. .

Recovery...State Wide

Wow...what can I say about this weekend. This was my second year going
to the All California Young People In Alcoholics Anonymous...and there
were
Alot of things that were different. The convention was really her
similar to last year...all of the difference was coming from me. I
know that God put me in the right place at the right time. I love the
convention for all of the really crazy and fun things that go on...but
I really love hearing from everyone around the state. And California
is a really big state...and so is her YPAA. There is so much really
great recovery here...so many great people to talk to..so many to
learn from.
Another sucessful year at ACCYPAA. another sucessful step in my
soberity...it was great to be here a year later...being able to really
relate and get alot out of everyone. Now it's time for the drive back
home.
I leave with a new zeal...at trying to finally rally the troops and
bring back the Monterey Bay Young Peoples In Alcoholics Anonymous.
With was incredably strong for many years...the 1972 ACCYPAA was held
there. And now there isn't even a YPAA. I have a feeling that is going
to change.