Day 2192

I just sat here and really thought about what it really means to me. I can not help but just well up with tears.

2192 days of continuous sobriety.... is 6 years. Today is a very important day because it celebrates the day that I was brought back from the dead. It celebrates the day that my entire life changed and an entire new world opened right in front of me.

I was thinking about it earlier today and talking to a friend about how I really didn't think that 6 years was that big of a deal. I was thinking back on my 4th sobriety birthday and how I really didn't think that it was that special. I was looking forward to my 5 year birthday that would come the year after. That was a really big one.... but every single on of them are big.  Every single second of every single day is nothing short of a miracle.

Right now I am just filling up with a whole bunch of different feelings... but the word that keeps coming into my head is gratitude. I feel so much gratitude right now.. for so many different things. Gratitude was something that I don't think that I ever really knew the true meaning of before I started this journey 6 years ago. Now it is something that is so ingrained in me that I know that I cannot live without it.

So many different things have crossed my way in the last 6 years that have guided me along this path. Thats the way that this thing works. The people and the places that dictate your path . All of the faces and phrases that filled the Carriage House at the Beacon House.. and the Fellowship Hall in Downtown Monterey.... and to the Vista Lobos room in Carmel will always guide me wherever I go.

I never would have imagined that I would get sober... it a 7am meeting in Carmel, California. I would be at that meeting... everyday at 7am..... because that was what was suggested. Good Morning never felt so good as it did in Carmel.

All that I knew was that I was willing to do anything to not feel the way that I was feeling. I wanted to not feel like I wanted to die.. all the time. I had no idea what was happening and I didn't know what to do. I was so very scared and the only way that I could picture relief was through my own death. I knew that I really didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I knew that there was something more for me then wasting my life away in 6 am bars and dirty gutters. I was 28 years old.. and I was not done yet.

Recovery is the most amazing thing on the planet. Really it is. There is nothing that is more powerful then someone admitting that they need help and reaching their hand out for that help. There is something so amazing about the people who reach out their own hand to hold on to those people. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about it. There is nothing more powerful on this earth... then one booze hound alcoholic all-star reaching his or her hand out to another who knows EXACTLY what that person is going through.

I didn't want anyones help when I was in that spot... but that all changed when I was forced into that position. When I almost met my maker... a weeee bit too early. I was brought to my knees and I had to make a pretty simple choice. Do you want to live or die, Rich.. black or white. I would try to do all that I could do to try to figure my way out of it without having to make the choice. There must be someway that I can keep doing this. Can't I just dry out?... and maybe just drink wine on the weekends?

I tried a little research... I relapsed and was right back where I started.  That is what it took to make me truly admit to my innermost self... that I was an alcoholic. I was one of those people that booze just did not get along with. I had lost the privilege to drink like a gentleman.

I came back to the peninsula and knew what I had to do. It was really pretty easy. There were a lot of people who had done it before. They knew what they were doing. I had not idea what the hell that I was doing... so I just did what they did. This is how the program works. Its really not rocket science. The program was designed so that any old drunk could make the easy decision of a spiritual life over an agonizing alcoholic death.

I am really glad that I made that decision... or that the decision was made for me and that decision stuck. I cant imagine where I would be if I did not walk into Dana's office at the Beacon House.. at 8:30am... on February 26th of 2008.That is why this post will be published exactly 6 years to the day.

Death would have taken me... and I would have never have been given the opportunity to share my experiences with you in this blog.

My name is Richie... and I am a grateful, bright, sparkly, joyful alcoholic.

1826 days is five years.

When I look back on the last five years the one thing that I know to be absolutely true is that I am an alcoholic... and I will never be cured of this disease. One of the first things that I can remember learning in the Beacon House was that this disease was a chronic one. It was something that I would never get rid of. I learned that the disease that I had was a fatal one. It was always trying to kill me.

"Rich... you are never alone because you are always in the same room with a person that is trying to kill you... don't you ever forget that"... this was something that was relayed to me very early in my sobriety by Mickey P. When I really thought about that statement it made sense to me. I am different and I know that. I am not like the normal people that can just enjoy one drink or one drug. I want all of the drinks and all of the drugs and I want to know where the backup stash is in the house.

This entry into my blog will be published at exactly 8:30AM on February 26th of 2013... exactly five years ago I was walking into the office of my intake counselor Dana at the Beacon House in Pacific Grove, California. All that I can remember about that morning was how overjoyed I was to be getting back into the house. I knew that for me... the House meant safety and it meant relief. I was tired of running and I was tired of living the hollowed out shell of a life that I was living. I was ready to try this again and I was ready to do whatever was necessary to start living my life again.

Drugs and alcohol were the most beautiful thing in my life for a long time. They had done the trick. They had helped me suppress, transplant, substitute or downright avoid my life for years. They were just what the doctor ordered.... Then came the time when they started not to work and my defenses were starting to crack. I started to get scared and figured that the only way to solve this problem was to blame everyone and everything other then myself for my problems.... and to drink more.  When that did not work I figured that the only way out would be suicide but I knew that I would never be able to do it  and I really didn't want to die. I was exactly where I needed to be to do what I knew that I had to do.  The  Big Book describes this in Chapter 11 in a Vision for You.

"Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."


I have this definition of desperation written in my Big Book... I believe that I was given a "gift of desperation" and it is what brought me to the doors of the Beacon House.

"Desperation is the feeling that you have when you are in such a bad situation and have no hope that you are willing to do anything to change that situation"

I was ready to change that situation. It only took being close to death twice in a two month period for me to realize that I had been given this gift and it was mine to receive.

I credit the Beacon House and its staff for helping me to see that there was sunlight out there and that I could feel its warmth. The Beacon House holds a very special place in my heart because it was the place where my life changed. Every inch of my being changed when I walked through those doors and accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and that I needed help. I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of the situation that I was in and I did not want to go back.

I also credit the Beacon House with introducing me to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA would be the vehicle for the change. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have AA. I have gained a new way of living that has become the foundation of my life. It is the way that I think and deal with every situation that I come across. It has introduced me to the most amazing people and has shown me the most amazing experiences in recovery. When I thought that my life was over when I entered recovery it was AA, and those people, that showed me that my life was only beginning.

Now 5 years later I can look back and feel that the best years of my life are ahead of me and not behind me. I know that this optimism and love for life that i have are a direct product of my recovery and that decision that I made 5 years ago to go back in the Beacon House and surrender.

My life has its ups and its downs... but these days I have the choice. It was a choice that I never had before because I was locked in a life and death struggle. I am still in that life and death struggle... but now I have friends that have been through it before with me.... and that is all I need.

Thank you to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Beacon House, my family...... and most importantly... my Higher Power.

This quote pretty much sums up my experience over the past five years....

“Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness is followed by sunshine.” Rumi

Years.

Here we go with the second edition of this trip back over the past almost 5 years of my life. I do a lot of comparisons of my life in recovery with my former life. I think that it is good to really dig down deep and see all of the little differences between the two.  It makes me very appreciative of all of the things that I have now.

So here we go with a blog post that I published... right after my first belly button birthday in recovery.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me...

I had my first sober birthday in a very long time..like since I can remember. The history of my birthday has been one that was soaked with alcohol...
I found that the greatest thing that happened to me on this birthday was all of the love and support from everybody thats around me. It really makes me realize the importance that my life plays in the lives of others...that my life really does make a difference.
Towards the end of my drinking...I really didnt see a reason for me to go on. i know now that this was the alcohol tainting my life...but the only way that I can describe the way that i was thinking was...sickness.
Another year has come to me...and this is a very different one. This is going to be a year of clarity..and a year of differences...

I am always coming back to the word...gratitude
I am so glad that I am sober...and that my higher power has given me what he has given me. and all of the people that he has given to me..I can't imagine my life any other way. especially the way that it was..

Happy Birthday to Me.

Its a Good Day...

Today is a great day... and I can feel it. It is different then any other day that I have had before.. and I know that you ask why..Why is this day so much different?
Today is my 30th birthday... and I am sober and alive. Never thought that I would ever be sober on my 30th birthday.. If you would of told me on my 25th that I was going to be sober at 30... i would of laughed my ass off..
but here I am. 30 years of age.. looking at the years in front of me with complete awe and wonder. I like feeling this optimism. I used to wonder what optimism felt like. I tried to manufacture it with outside things never know that all that I needed was inside of me the whole time. I was the one that had to let it out. I was the one that had to let it be seen by all... and most importantly myself.  i love what I see...