The Range of Emotions.

Today was quite the day.. I would have to say. I have not had a day like today in quite a while. It took me across the entire range of emotions that I could feel. I went from inspiration to dedication... to frustration.. to indignation... to procrastination...  then work ended and I saw one thing that just about set me on fire... and not in a good way. It was something that was very small but it brought back some of the feelings that were filling me at the end of last year and the beginning of this year.

I saw one picture of a small piece of her arm and that was all that it took. I let this feeling last for about 30 seconds... and that was too long. I stopped and I said a prayer.... and shook my head back and forth. You know, the way that who shake your head when you want to snap out of something. Then just like that I was right back into gratitude and ready to do something good for myself.

I ended up taking some pretty amazing photos that I am going to edit tomorrow.

The thing that really held a lot of power, and put me right back into gratitude today was going to a memorial service for an old friend of mine that had passed away at the end of last year. I had not seen this person in almost 8 years and had not talked to him since I was in treatment. It was a gathering of many people that I used to be very close with more then 10 years ago but when I started to bartend and got out of that circle these people just fell right out of my life.

It was the end of one stage and the beginning of another stage. It was the natural progression of things.

It was great to see these people... and the time has passed and it has changed not only myself.. but these people. I can sense that I will not be strangers with these people for another 10 years. I don't think that I do that anymore... I want to have these valuable people in my life.

The really amazing part of the night was thinking about my friend who had committed suicide and that we were having the memorial for. He was someone who had had their fight with alcohol... and in the end it was the thing that took him out. I never knew just how major a part that alcohol had played in his life but all that I could keep thinking was that I could relate with him. I could see how that this could of happened because I have been there. I never got that close to committing suicide but I could understand how he could of gotten to that point.

I miss my friend. I miss the guys smile. It always seemed like this guy was smiling and living life. There is another side and I know what that looks like. I am so grateful that I saw that and I decided that I wanted to go another direction because I could just as soon be right where my friend is.

I pray for my friend... I know that he is at peace now and that he is smiling.

Things that I don't need to understand.

I had a really great holiday. I got to see my family and all of the great things that happen when I am with them. I drove almost 800 miles over the course of 3 days, but it was well worth it. The drive was really nice because it gave me a chance to thing about somethings.

There has been a lot of things that have been going on in my life over the past couple of months. Major things have happened to me.... and I am just trying to get somethings sorted in my head. Long drives with great music help... sort things out. 

One of the awesome things that happened while I was down there was me seeing my best friend from high school. There are very few people that I keep in contact with from my days at Ventura High School.... let alone communicate with on a regular basis. Joe is the exception to this rule... we have been in contact pretty much constantly since we graduated high school. He is one of those people that I don't think I will ever not be in contact with over my lifetime. When ever we talk, and we haven't talked in awhile we are right back with each other... like we never missed a beat. He is getting ready to go around the world helping to do good. He is going to be building schools, teaching english, ministering... pretty much anything that needs to be done, he is going to do. Thats the kind of guy that he is. He gave up a really high paying job just to do something that is meaningful. Thats awesome. 

The other thing that is on my mind tonight is something that really throws me off.... Something that really perplexes me. Someone in my past that I love very much decided a couple of months ago just to stop talking to me all together... and I really don't know why. We were in communication with each other and everything was seeming fine, and then just one day.... it stopped. I know that she is ok because she is active on social networks and the such.. she just doesn't want to talk to me. Its just really strange to me, because it has never happened to me before. No one has really ever stopped taking to me all together.... ok, maybe there is someone else out there that doesn't talk to me. I know that I did something wrong with that situation... and i made a amends. 

Well everyone.... thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.
Oh yeah....today is 1400 days clean. 1400! Wow that is nuts. This time 4 years ago I was in a coma... times and attitudes change.... 

The New Home...

Last night was my first night in my new house. I slept there last night before my roommates.. it was a really great feeling to wake up in the new space because it has so much more light then my old place had. The old place really looked like it was right of Boogie Nights with the shag carpeting and the wood panel walls.. It made the place so dark and really left the room lacking. I really never thought of it as home because it really wasnt.. It just didnt have that feeling.. a feeling of familiarity that a home is supposed to have..
I got a promotion at work. One that I have been working for.. for a long time. And it feels really good. I finally feel like I have an adult job. At least thats what my brother says...
Overall.. I am moving right along. I feel that things are moving in the right direction. Things in front of me are very bright..

Shit we can tell our grandkids about...

Yesterday was one of the best days that I have ever had in my life. It was one of those days that I will defiantly be telling the next generations about..I got to spend the whole day with my little brother. well he really is only my little brother in age only. He is bigger then I and sometimes he seems like he is a little older in other ways...
We struck out on our journey pretty early in the morning. Our quest was to go to two different baseball games, two different parks, two different leagues, four different teams...all in one day. I had this idea a little while ago and it seemed like a really cool thing to try and do. After we left Monterey...we started to realize that this trip was going to mean a whole lot more then we had thought. I was something that we had never ever heard anyone else talking about..no one else ever doing. It was somethng that we were doing....as brothers.
We had breakfast and then it was on to game one...12:45 start, My team, My cathedral... the San Francisco Giants and AT&T Park, 3rd and King streets in beautiful downtown San Francisco. It was a beautiful day..and the park was, as always, awe inspiring. The Giants ended up losing the game..but it was still great.
Then off to our second stop...my American League team the Oakland Athletics..and the Oakland Coliseum. this stop was going to be a little different though...because we had gotten seats from a friend of ours for this one. and we really didnt know where they were going to be..we knew that they were going to be good...but we didnt know at the begining just how good. They were right behind the plate...not the normal right behind the plate seats..but the "you are closer to the batter then the pitcher" behind the plate seats...the seats that when you are watching the people that usually sit there on tv....you make fun of them but are secretly jealous...those seats. Awesome.
It really gave me a whole new perspective on the game...and a whole new love of it.
The day was awesome...something that we I or my brother will ever forget. It was a great day. I even think that we will start doing it more often...