Possible

I took a friends son to his first meeting tonight...and this son of
his is now a friend of mine. The friend is young...and we went to one of
my home groups..which happens to be a young peoples meeting.
Just to know that you are not alone in all of this is so big. When I
first saw that...it made this recovery thing just a little more
realistic. Something that I could really touch. People were right
there..on a common path. There were people that knew how to do it.
Where it was safe to walk..had a torch to light the way.
It was cool to see someone new see that first glint of light. The
possibility of hope.
It all starts...everyday...over and over again...with one alcoholic
talking to another alcoholic. I love that shit..

Fuel

>

> So I went to SF again...and again it was a great time really very
> chill....just hung out with a really good friend. And talked about
> the past...about my past behavior basically.
> I remember thinking a long time ago...if I ever turn into an angry
> drunk I'll quit. Because I don't ever want to be that guy.
> And of course I got angrier and angrier over time...with more and
> more consumption. But talking to people that I was close to back
> then it seems that my anger was a real big issue. I knew that I was
> being short sometimes. But it really was all the time. One time just
> ended up blending into the others.
> When I knew I was being short...I wanted to not be...sometimes.
> There were sometimes that thought it was my right to be....
> Paticience Rich....that's what I needed. I knew that the booze were
> just adding fuel. Now the fuel has been taken away...and I have the
> ability stop and listen.

Eleven Months..

And counting...that's where I am at right now. Just doing the next
right thing...I remember when that used to be so hard. It was
something that sounded so nice. Something that I wanted to do..but it
wasn't in my best intrests. Wasn't involved in my plan of attack.
It's creeping up on me...this whole year thing. People keep warning
me...about strange things that seem to happen around this time in
soberity. ...like going crazy and going out. I just don't understand
how that can happen. I pray that it dosent happen to me....or anyone
that I love that is close. One of my friends in recovery is watching
the clock...tonite at midnight she turns 1. And I saw her tonite at a
meeting...and she had this look on her face...and this smile that I
can't really explain. But I liked it...and I wanted it. Soon... I know.
Happy Birthday Brandy!! One year!!!

One more!

I love recovery tattoos

All that...and a Bag of Chips

You want to I think is the best part about my recovery? I mean..other
then being sober and being able to complete an actual thought. Knowing
that I never am alone again. Am I am naturally a loner..I like to hang
out by myself. But I know that's it's not very healthy for me.
That is one of the biggest concepts that I know...not having to be
alone ever again. We always have someone around us who cares about us.
I really like knowing that there is always going to be someone older
and smarter then me in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It helps
with my ego.

Look over here!!

It's always right there when you need it. It really is. Right when I
didint want to go to a meeting...there was the pull. Somekind of force
the was drawing me into the room. It had to be my higher power.
Heard about surrender. That's just what I needed to hear tonite. I've
been praying for the willingness to continue on with my footwork. The
work that is freeing me as we I write. Every word is opening the doors
that have long been locked inside me. And I know that it is
working....doing exactly what it's supposed to do. I just have to keep
on going...doing it.
The willingness is coming. I know it.

This has the potential...

This is going to be really intense. This love thing that's going on
inside of me...learning to love myself, so that I can give that love
to someone else. And all of those thoughts come across my mind...that
are busy getting in line.
Just since recovery came for me...I can feel this fountian of love.
Love that I always knew was inside there...but just didn't know how to
bring across. It was always brought across very wrong. I used what I
thought was love...to get exactly what it was that I wanted. Now I
know that it feels different...and I pulled the trigger pretty fast.
And the time just wasn't right. I so wanted it to be...but it just
couldn't be forced...and I always had forced it in the past. Because I
was the one that was controling everything.but this time all that I
could do was let go...not hold on too tight.
And just see what happens. I know that there is an unlimited place
where the love lives inside of me..

Tonite is beautiful

Doing it differently then I did it before...that's the way that I have
to think. This is where I'm supposed to be...I got off work on a
Friday night and that old familiar feeling came over me. I had just
gotten out of work and I thought that I had earned a drink. I have
felt that way so many times before...it's almost automatic. Well it
used to be automatic. I started to get into self pity...feeling sorry
for myself again. Woah is me bullshit...then I read what a really good
friend had written....it's time to get into the solution. Hell yeah it
is... Time to see it all for what it is. So...it's a beautiful Friday
night in my life. A beautiful Friday night in soberity...

Every second counts

I think about all of the events that got me to where I am at right
now. How if even one was absent maybe I would be in a totally
different place. Maybe I would still be full blown drinking and using...
Over the weekend I got to talk to people that I hadn't talked to in a
long time. It was good because I was filled in on some of the gaps in
the last couple of years. Some of those were some pretty big gaps. I
was reminded of how I treated some people. Reminded of some of my
behavior patterns that were so obvious to so many people...and that I
was so oblivious to. All of the things that I was thinking I was
getting away with...that I wasn't at all.
A total learning experence that teaches me how important every single
moment really is.

a whole new look...

Hello there all...
So here is my report from San Francisco...Had a great night last night with all of my old friends...It was really great to see them. and get caught up on all of the shit that is going on up here. and there is alot of it...and it seems to be all the same old bullshit. Same shit different day...Im glad that I have broken out of that mold...and last night while i was at my old bar the strangest thing happened...for the first time ever in the ol 540 Club...I didnt want to have a shot. I couldnt fucking believe it. What a miracle...surrounded by all of the old players..i didnt want to drink. It just want there. and all that i could do was smile...
there was alot of ego stroking...everyone said how great i looked. and how something was just different...yeah...no shit. Things were they way that they were supposed to be...
The one thing that I realized being here is that I am supposed to be in Monterey...100% supposed to be in Monterey..Im exactly where i am supposed to be. I miss the City...but Im not supposed to be here right now...
So there it is people..my first report. and my last report from my ol stomping ground...i come out unscathed. sober...and smiling

Adventures!

I'm off!!! On a whole new adventure...going back to the place that I
love and has my heart. I'm going to visit the City of San Francisco
today. Yes my friends..just for a visit.
I return to the City for the first time in over 9 months. And I am
feeling really good about this trip. I can't wait to see so really
great people there. One that I'm really excited to see is a person
that I drank with a whole bunch...someone that I actually served a
final drink to. She left the bar...and I thought that she had moved.
She had moved on...and gone into recovery. When I got into recovery I
found out where she had been. She hadent gone anywhere..she got sober.
So now we get to hang out sober...recovery buddies.
I'm not afraid...I'm going to see some people that I treated really
poorly in my disease. And they get to see me...the peace from change
that I have been given.
So here I go. I will let you all know how it goes.

Another blessing

Sprinkles

Everyday is full of so much more life. Things that were always so
blankly in front of my face. Streches of joy and beauty...sprinkled
with of a little funk. And the funk I know how to get out of.
It used to be...the super relentless funk. That there was no hope of
ever getting out of. And really no reason to because that would rob me
of my self pity. Sprinkled with an intermiant sence of
belonging...fueled by copious amounts of alcohol. Small sutule smiles
that guarded my deep denial...that I wasn't that bad yet.
Now there is longer sustained smiles...fueled by optimism. With a
sprinkle of hope.

Too Hot to Handle...too Cold to Hold...

Wow....am I getting close to 11 months of soberity. I can't really even believe it. I knew that once 2009 came that my soberity date was going to be coming faster then ever...and here it comes...
I have a really good friend that has become even closer to me in the last couple of days. He was four months out of a recovery center and wasnt really working a program at all. It really reminded me of how I was when I first came out of the Beacon House...all the way down to not getting a sponsor..
Well just like me...he drank again. He drank because he thought that he wasnt an alcoholic. That he could drink like normal people. exactly like I did..59 days into my soberity...We both thought that we could have just one drink...and it not have any lasting effect on us...
And of course..that was not the case...both him and I drank and went down really hard. I can remember asking men what the hell that i had to do to get it this time...and they said...just listen.
and thats what he is doing...right back in the drivers seat. going to meetings...and asking people that have come before for help...