That Kind of Day

Today is a writing day for me. There are a lot of days that have become that for me.

I know that writing has saved my life on multiple occasions. At least it has saved my sanity more then once. I feel that I can write things down and take the power out of them. When all of these thoughts are just sitting in my head I am on dangerous ground for sure.

I go to a coffee shop and start writing. Usually I try to just write in streams of consciousness because it really shows what is on my heart.

For some reason I have never been able to look back on them... I have this fear about them. I don't know what it is all about but today for the first time in a long time I looked back on something that i had written in September.... and it was almost identical to what i am feeling right now. I was in the exact same place.. knowing what I had to do. The path was so well lit in front of me and then something else decided that it was going to be there turn.

I am ok with the something else.... I would not trade it for the world but I know that I got sidetracked from what was best for me.

I went a saw one of my best friends a couple of days ago.. this is someone that has known me for a very long time... and has seen all of the stages that i have gone through in the last 10 years. He told me something that I already knew but I just needed to hear from another person. I needed to hear it from someone that I trust and respect. It put me back on track... right where I need to be.

I love how my life is like that..... having people in my life that can just be present... and help me steer the course.

Good Place

Today has been one of those days that I can't explain. I really have no words for.. but I am going to try and put something together.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was just feeling that everything was going wrong. My head hurt and I felt that my heart was not in the right place in my body. I knew what I had to do... I had to say a prayer and see how the day would play itself out.

I posted about my day on Facebook.. hoping to get some sympathy I guess. Sometimes I think that is what I need.... is just a little acknolodgement. I seek these things from other people....

I wrote another blog post... .on another blog that I write..  www.beaconhouse.org/blog and I started thinking about the Big Book and when it gives the example of your daily routine. What you should do in the morning and what you should do when you turn in.

I really don't have a daily routine.. i just kind of let everything go and just let the chips fall as they may. Things are beyond my control.. but I feel that I don't have any idea what is going to happen next. I don't have a lot of skills when it comes to knowing what is going to happen in my day. I know when I have to work and I know when I have to go to school.

I went to Marin and had some coffee and wrote. That is something that I have been trying to do everyday now.. is write about what I feel. A lot like I do when I am writing here.. but it is different. It is more like a journal... and I don't know what it is but I really enjoy the act of physically writing.... and I don't remember it ever being like that before.

When I got home from that... I was in this amazing place. I really couldnt desc
ribe it except for the fact that everything felt right.

I have been reading this book..... called the Untethered Soul. I have only read the first chapter so far but it really made me think..... about the inner dialog that goes on in my head and how that dialog is not me. Disconnecting myself from the dialog is something that I have never thought of before... That realization was something that took me to a really positive place...

I had never even thought of disconnecting myself from that voice.

Things are happening.. exactly the way that they are supposed to be happening and its a beautiful thing.

Reasons....

There are things that happen for a reason... and when they do I don't know why they happened I just know that they happened. I am living the result of them.
People come and go out of my life for these reasons. Sometimes I think that they should go and there are other times that I think that they should stay. Sometimes I think that I have the answers to how these situations should work out....
When it all comes down to it... in my life, there are somethings that I can't explain. I don't want to. Sometimes people come into my life and it just feels right. My heart tells me that what I am feeling is true.... my heart will not steer me wrong. My heart will tell me the direction that I should go.....
The other person that is in that other direction may not be at the place that they need to be to receive me... but my heart is there. and it is trying... and that is all that I can ask.

I put my heart out... knowing the risks that are involved.... but I do it freely....
I am love... and I deserve love.

I have said this prayer many times over the past couple of months... and it is always just right.

God... thank you for what you have given me.
God... thank you for what you have taken away from me.
and God... thank you for what I have left.

Just another day in the life of a recovered alcoholic.... I am so glad that I get to feel this experience and feel these emotions...

Welcome to Treatment

Here is the second part of my story...
As I read over this again I realized that I did not write a third part. Well.... we all know how it turns out. I will see you all on Tuesday.

I am going to post at 8:30am on Tuesday... that is my official sobriety date and time. That was the second that I came back into the Beacon House for the second time. That was the exact moment that I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.I was introduced to the Beacon House the hard way..the same way that
so many others have been introduced to it. Helped right up the front
steps,on their knees, by their perspective addiction. For me...alcohol
was my drug of choice.
I had never even heard of Pacific Grove in my life. Sounded like a
fucking retirement colony to me. But that's where I was headed that
day. Straight up US Highway 101.....to butterfly town USA.
The first thing that I can remember was the fear that was running
through my body as I got out of my aunts car and walked on to that
curved walkway up to those fateful steps. The front parlour will
always have a very special place in my heart because that was the
first place I ever met my counselor. And this was where my initial
assesment was done. To me,on that day, I thought that I was staring
down the barrel of a loaded gun.
This was the first time I ever heard the term "toxic." I was very. .
My body was a stagnent collection pond for all things awful. My skin,
my mind, and my life were yellow.
I had no idea what I was doing, and I needed help. And I would soon
learn that I was in the right place.
I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life, and boy
was I scared. I had no idea who these people were and I didnt know
what they wanted from me.
Prior to going into the hospital I really didnt know what detox was
either. If I would of known what it was theres no way in hell I would
of wanted it. But obviously, that all changed. Thank god.
I would say that my biggest problem (other then my constant intake of
alcohol) was my sleeping patterns. I would drink to sleep.
Correction....I would drink to pass out. Then when I woke up again,
usually in a couple of hours, I would need a few swigs off the bottle
to get back to sleep.
This had created alot of anxiety in my life. Everyday I would think
about what it was going to take, that night to get me to sleep. And it
would rule me.
So from the start...I was in a bad mood. I was in rehab for christ
sake. I didnt have to like being in the present situation. I knew deep
down that this was the place I was supposed to be. So you could say
that I was a little resistant to my treatment at first. I was all
about fighting everyone and everything. I thought that I was a smart
guy. I really thought that I was going to get through all of it...all
on my own. I had all of the life experience necessary to get through
rehab and emerge meraculously cured on the other side.
I was misrable. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. All of my emotions
were on a constant roller coaster ride that I had no control over. I
would cry at the drop of a hat. My only saving grace were the people
that were around me. My constant interaction with other people on a
group level. I had never been through anything like this before.
Sharing my thoughts,fears,pain, and hopes with these people that I had
really just met. These people were to be the basis of my treatment.
I think that one of the many great things that the Beacon House gave
to me was a seed. That seed was called Alcoholics Anonymous. I started
attending the mandatory meeting of AA everyday while I was in the
House. And I really did not care for it at all at first. I didnt like
the people. I thought that all that it really was, was a giant whinner
congregation. People that got together to discuss how much it sucked
that the couldn't " handle" alcohol anymore. What I failed to see then
was how crucial a role Alcoholic Anonymous was to play in the
resurection of my life.
Now..throughout my entire stay at the Beacon House, I had it in my
head that I was going to go back to San Francisco and be able to
return to my old life. Do everything that I had done before....except
not drink. I wasnt ready to let go of my old life. I was going to be
Richie Rich...the powerful and very "sober" bartender. This was a very
deadly fantasy according to all of the staff, my family,friends, and
all that knew me and cared about me. I would show them. I would be
different. I would be able to be in the barber shop and not get my
hair cut.
So...on January 30th, I coined out of the Beacon House. All bright
eyed and bushy tailed with all of the best wishes of the staff. And
with all of the love and support of my house mates.
I was ready to do life the right way....my way. Little did I know that
day that I was going to be coming back up those steps less then three
weeks later. Beaten and broken...with my bushy tail right between my
legs. And time there was no "my way"
This disease is a bitch. A bitch with no cure. A bitch that wants to
kill me. And a bitch that almost did it......twice.
Well everyone. That's the end of part two of the story. My fingers
hurt again..and I like it.

It's As Simple As That

Today was a was not that different then other days that I have had in sobriety. I was inspired by the sights, sounds and feelings that were around me. I was inspired by a piece of music that I had heard in a movie that I had seen the night before. I went to the movie by myself... just the way that I like it sometimes. I will have a link to it below...



The way that it moved my emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other is something that never really happened before. Maybe it did happen... I just don't remember it every happening.

Now it is an essencial part of my life. It helps me to see the beauty and the optimism of the world that its around me. Even when there is ugliness and bitterness throughout it.... sights and sounds such as these are what my life worth living.

Now this is something that happens on the regular if not everyday. Something that I cannot live without  anymore.

Here is a post from the past five years that pretty much says everything that I want to say about the subject. It puts it perfectly.

Friday, November 13, 2009

today

Today is inspirational for me.. I don't know why and I dont really care. All that I know that I feel this way and I never used to.

Explosions in the Sky. Mind... prepared to be blown away

Hey everyone..
So here is Explosions in the Sky. If you have never heard of them... then you are welcome. They have meant a lot to me since I got sober..  This was one of the first shows that I ever went to sober. It made me remember what it was like to really get taken over by the music. Music that really shakes the very foundation of everything that you are. I hope that you like it... even if you don't, you have to give them props..

Happy sunday everyone. and Explosions.. I will see you on April 16th.

So here we go. Vacation.

Whats up everyone. Today is the first day of my vacation to Portland. and really it is my first vacation in sobriety.. ever. Im really excited to be off of work and at the airport. Everything is packed and I hope that I havent forgotten anything.. I kind of feel like a real dork.. but whatever, I dont care. The first thing that has happened to me so far was that I was patted down by the TSA. and I was trying to think about how that would of been if I had been drunk. because the last time that I traveded by myself I was toasted.
After all of the frisking I walked by the one of the airport bars. and the bartender was sitting in there all by herself... with no one to keep her company. I thought about how i would of been right there drinking at 11 in the morning back in the day. As a matter of fact I would of been there just about 2 years ago. I used to love drinking at the airport. It was part of the fun.
I do remember the last time that I was at the airport and I was drunk. I was fucking miserable. I was sweaty. and drunk. I remember thinking... this has to stop. I just don't know how its going to. That was the trip that took me into rehab.. I went into the coma 2 days later. Wow... how and experience like that can change everything. and how it did for me....
I remember the complete insanity... and how my brain was working.. and the chemicals that were controlling it. and how i feel right now. right at the start of something so good... and positive.. and possibly life changing. What am i saying...every experience in soberity is life changing..
See you guys soon. I will be posting pictures.

there comes a time..

today was one of those really big days in my sobriety... one of those days that really just should of happened earlier..
so in the last couple of posts i have been hinting that something was really pretty wrong with the way that I was doing things. I have just been sitting back and resting on my laurels for a long time.
Like classic Richie Rich fashion... I have made a situation a whole lot bigger then it ever really had to be. I pretty much dragged out something that really only should of taken five or ten minutes and streched it out over 3 weeks.. This overwhelming feeling of dread, fear and doom has been looming over my head like there was some cataclysmic event that was heading my way. Like something that was far worse then anything that I had ever been through before.
So... I took care of what was bothering me. I decided that I needed to work with a new sponsor. And I made it seem like I was breaking up with a high school girlfriend. I had done it before. I had changed sponsors before and I did the same thing exactly... except that my first sponsor was a little more scary looking then my second sponsor...
I went to a meeting at noon today... and right when I walked in I was asked to pick the topic and share a little bit. and that was God's way of telling me that i should shit or get off the pot.... so my topic was about fear. and that is what I choose to talk about... and many of the men talked about living in the now.... and I was clearly not living in the now. at all..
when I left... I knew that this was the time.
But when I finally stepped up to the place with a bat in my hand and did what I had to do... it was really easy. and my sponser totally understood what was happening..and we both knew that it was the right thing.
so now i am getting a new sponsor... and starting the steps all over again. and I am excited.

it all can change...

So yesterday I had one of my most beautiful moments in my sobriety thus far. I am helping a very dear friend of my find the gift that I have been given...I am able to share the things that i have experienced in my life. I just remember how I thought that there were so many things that were impossible. so many goals that i knew i wouldn't be able to achieve because of all of these doors that i thought that i could never open. All that it really took was a leap of faith...probably the biggest decision that i ever made in my life...
My friend last night went to her very first AA meeting. and she almost didn't go.....but she did. She took a leap of faith...and made the biggest decision in her young life.
Talking to another friend of mine last night we couldn't help but talk about all of the cool shit that is happening because of sobriety...all of the doors that have been opened, or kinda cracked open, or have the potential to be opened...just because we made that decision..or the decision made me.
In any case...I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face last night..and still cant for that matter...because things are going to change for her. If she wants them too...