These Are The Time

These are the times. The times that I remember how it used to be and I am very thankful for what I have. I am so glad that I have learned the importance of gratitude in my life. It is the foundation for so much of the way that I see things. I can look at something and almost all of the time I can see the positive side in it. I guess that I can see the glass half full.
Right now it is Christmas Eve and I am all alone in my room. Just thinking about all of the gratitude that I have for my life right now. Earlier I was feeling myself slip right into a bad place but I was able to get myself out of it. It is getting easier to do that as time has gone by since my break up.

Sometimes I think that I might just be being way to public about the way that I am dealing with the whole situation. Really, I think that is the right way for me. Sometimes I feel that nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan about it anymore.... but my friends are more then that. They are there for me through thick and thin... or atleast most of them are.

These are the times that I remember and am grateful for my friends and my family. Well... it's time to start my second movie of the evening. It's called Polar Express and I have heard that it is a great holiday movie.
Merry Christmas to all of those that are reading this.... and to all of those out there that are still suffering... I offer my love and prayers for you. I hope to see you soon and share some of my hope with you.

Music is Everything.

Right now its all about the music for me. It is one of the things that has gotten me through alot of the rough patches.

I am on a Post-Rock kick right now because it really just makes me feel positive. The sound is intense and just feels like a wall to me. It is driving and just makes me want to keep on moving forward. That is what I need right now is something that is going to help motivate me.

This is a band that I have just discovered. They are from Sweden and they kick ass.

One Door Closes.. Another One Opens

So that was it. That was the end of that entire chapter of my life. It was a chapter that I though was going to last a whole lot longer. I wanted it to last forever. Things are not what they seem. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of being comfortable.
I think that I was really in love with that idea. Someone to be there for you for the rest of your life. Maybe its just too good to be true. No.... its not. It is out there somewhere.

Today I was feeling pretty good about the closure that I had experienced the night before. I was not feeling really good about the way that the entire thing ended. I said somethings that I really should not of said, but I just really wanted them to be said. I think that it was just my heart lashing out. It was a place of power that I had not felt since the whole break up. I felt that I was moving backwards when I did that. I felt that I was going back to some of my old behavior patterns.
I had a long talk about it when my sponsor and I have gone to a couple of meetings and talked about it. It is something that I am really not to proud of it and I do not think that I will have the opportunity to make an amends to her.
What I do feel really good about is the notion of being by myself for awhile. I really have not had the opportunity to get to know myself in the last couple of years. I have not been alone and right now I am very alone.
Today was a new beginning. Things are looking very bright. I am going to leave you with an amazing poem that I have carried close to my heart for the past couple of nights.

"Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness followed by sunshine."- Rumi

Small Victories

Sometimes it just takes a little. Sometimes it just takes a little bit to make me feel like I have had a good day. 

I have had a lot of not so good days lately, so today I got a small victory. I can't really describe what it is to you in this blog but lets just say that it is something that elevates a lot of anxiety from my shoulders. 

Tonight I am going to be celebrating by posting this video... but really it is this song that I want you all to hear. I have been getting into a lot of post-rock lately. It is music that makes me very happy and makes me feel inspired.

Thankful

Today I am very thankful for my sobriety... I am so thankful that I am here and that I have the ability to love.... that I have a heart that has the ability to love.

Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.

I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.

I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.

I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.

Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.

Prayer

The power of prayer has become very evident to me over the past couple of weeks. It was something that I really was not doing before very much on my own. It was only happening when there was some kind of pain that was evident in my life. 

Well lately, like you all know, there has been some pain that has come into my life and I have been moved to start up my praying about it. All that I know is that it is feeling good when I am trying to give up all of this. 

We Go On and On.

Another day... another feeling and another way to cope with it.
I love my friends for taking such good care of me during this time.

I have to try and fill up all of my time because of this whole thing. It seems to me that time alone is my enemy. I have somethings that are in the works that will help me address this.... and hopefully give me a whole new perspective on myself. More to come.

Went to a friend's show at a local bar and have had this song in my head for the last couple of days.
Hope that you all enjoy it. Check out their other stuff too.

I Sit and Marvel

A Day in the Life of a Fire Lookout. from Gary Yost on Vimeo.

Want to Know a Secret.

It;s so very amazing just how my Higher Power works in my life. I can never really get my head around it but I know that it is what is supposed to be happening.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about my early sobriety... and just what it all meant to me. The way that it made me feel and the things that it made me do to keep it. That gift of desperation that I had was the very thing that vivid and sharp for me. For me, now and then, to drink is to die.

I was thinking of ways that I could recapture that urgency that I felt then... but there really wasn't any way to do that short of taking a drink. There was no way that I was going to do that.

Well, my Higher Power just gave me exactly what I wanted... and I didn't have to take a drink.

This works in so many mysterious ways. I can never even begin to grasp what my Higher Power has in store with me. I do know that it is going to be a very wild and interesting ride.  As if it hasn't been already.

Start from the beginning.

So today is where the healing will start from. This is the day.

I am going to have to grieve a bit though... so maybe the healing has not started yet. No matter what I think that today was a very big step for me.

I said goodbye to the person who I was in love with. I am still in love with. It will take me sometime to not be able to say that. This person meant so much to me that everything that I was envisioning for myself in the future revolved around her. That may not be healthy... but it sure is warm and comfortable. I really like the way that it felt too.... Knowing that someone was there for you and had your back.

Well things can change in that way... and when they change, the change can show you what is really important in my life. When all of this came down on my head tonight I started to get text messages from all kinds of friends in my life. That made me feel warm and comfortable in a whole different way.

Someone that I have met and hang out with a couple of times sent me something that really hit me hard... I will share it here.

“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown

It is exactly what I need to hear... and I think this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It is a very uncomfortable place, but it is where my life is taking me. 

So I will go to bed.... very emotionally exhausted and with a throughly broken heart... but knowing that this is what the start looks like. 

Hit Hard

Today I have been hit really hard. There are so many questions that are just riding around in my brains. so many things that I want answered. Even if they were answered I really don't think that it would matter.... but thats what I want.
Today was the first time that I really cried about the whole thing. You would think that I would of cried when it was happening... but I think that I was more in disbelief. It had come out of no where and I had no idea that it was coming.
I feel like I am going crazy, I have to remember that I have to breathe.

When I was drinking, there were somethings that would really scare me. They would scare me half to death... and it was a reason that I would drink more.
One thing that really scared me was time, and the other was sleep.
Time scared me because it was all that I had and I hated being alone with it. So I drank and then I would pass out and that would help me waste time.
The second is sleep... or really the lack thereof. I used to hate that I would not be able to fall asleep. I would have to drink so that I would pass out.

Some of those same fears have come back to haunt me right now.

One thing that I keep thinking about is the commitment of the whole thing. You choose the words that you speak. You choose the things that you are going to say to someone else... and those are the words that are part of how they will feel.
All of a sudden, those words just don' mean anything anymore. Like they never did.

Thats how I feel right now. I am calming down a little. I have to go to a meeting tonight.... or I think I might explode.

The End of Day One. Back to Basics

Its so crazy to me how when I am comfortable and things are all good I really drift away from the program. I guess that I think that I have something to substitute for it. When the going gets tough and I really need it, it's there.
I know that when all else fails I have my program as my foundation. I went to a meeting tonight and heard from some people who were going through some similar situations as I am. they may neot be the exact situations, but they involve the same feelings. Its always great to get another perspective on things.
Someone said to me, "Do something for yourself." The really funny thing is I have that tattooed on my arm. It was something that a very good, old friend and I have tattooed on ourselves. Today I went and did a little retail therapy, and bought a new hat. It is something that I like to do to make myself feel better.
I have no idea what is going to happen with this whole thing. I don't know where it is going to end up, but I know that I am going to get there.

Day One. Start Your Clocks.

So today is day one of my life without her.... and the day has started off really pretty crappy. Last night I was feeling pretty motivated about what was going on with my life. I was looking at it as something positive that I could build on.
Today has started and it is a much different story. Its like when you get kicked in the balls, and you feel fine for about 30 seconds... and you think, this isnt that bad. Then it really hits you and you are on the floor. Thats how I feel right now.
I just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. That is really a lot easier to say then do today because I really feel as though my trust was betrayed. I feel like I have been taken to the cleaners with this whole thing.

Last night, well early morning.... I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was having dreams, but I would wake up in the middle of them and then not be able to go back to sleep for a while.
I know that this is supposed to get better with time... but this is day one, and it really sucks.

Punched in the Gut.

Wow. Have you ever just felt like you have been punched in the gut. Not by a fist.... but by another persons actions. Well.... that is what has just happened to me. Someone that I though that I was going to build a life with has just broken my heart. This just happened, just about 20 minutes ago. So this is all still pretty raw.
Thank God that I have my recovery and sobriety. Thats all that I can think of right now. Lessons that I have learned in the rooms are coursing through my brain right now. I can just see peoples faces and hear other peoples words right now. It almost like when people that are in the military say that their training just kicks in... and they are on auto pilot. Thats how I feel right now. Auto-pilot.

I know from what  have learned in recovery.. that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know why I am here... but I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and it sucks. I know that my higher power has a plan for me... and that plan is way better then anything that I could of designed.

One thing that I have learned, just in the last couple of minutes is that I will try not to rest on my laurels with the next person who gets my heart. I will not just sit by and think that everything is alright... when there may be some communication that is necessary.

I know that I am going to feel the range of emotions over the next couple of weeks... and I know that I will be writing them down here. It is the one place that I have always been able to express myself... and air out my feelings.
One thing that is really amazing to me is how tired that I have gotten... just over the past couple of minutes. It really takes a toll on me.... I will talk to you all soon.. stay tuned.

I have to have Faith

There are times that I forget what it is that I have been through... and I sell my self short. Sometimes when I am in a little funky mood, like today, it takes doing some step work to get me outside of myself. This is something that I really didn't want to do because I feel comfortable when I am in that place. It is warm and comfortable. I know that this is not the place that I want to be at for long because it breeds darkness for me. Now I know how to get out of that darkness and I don't have to wallow in it. I was watching a movie tonight in which the maine theme of the movie was Faith. It was something that I have not thought of in long time. It is something that should be essencial to my day-to-day life really. The faith that I do not have all of the answers and that there is something out there that has much grander plans then they ones that I have for myself. I have to remember that... i have to have faith. Below is the video for the song that really inspired me to write the post before this one. It always makes me think about how lucky I am to have what I have right now.... which is so much. Oh yeah... so I am going to be writing more in this blog, because it has always been a place of comfort and therapy for me. I am going to be writing more things about my life today and what interests me and the things that I support and love.
 

Building a Home

You know when sometime you just know. I have known people that told me that you just know when you know. something that just pokes through the fog and is just so obviously to you. Like it was there the whole time.... it just needed time for you to see it.  There were things that just needed to happen for it all to become clear...  time just need to have its way with the whole thing. Now that it has.... it is so much more beautiful then anything than you could of ever imagined.
If you would of been asked to con jour up the whole thing way back when you would of missed the mark by so much.
So I am glad that they time has passed.... and this thing is right in front of me and so right.  Just like it was supposed to be... and thank what ever gods may be that I am here to see it.

Joyeux Noel

Hey everyone. Its funny... I haven't written on the blog in a little bit but it seems that every time that I do it is when I have seen a movie that I really love. Well, I saw a movie for the first time last night and it was one of those that I think that everyone has to see. It is called Joyeux Noel. It is one of those movies that really moved me. From the start to the finish is was something that was just a bit of magic. It was one of those films that can really capture the true human condition and just transport you into it. I loved it and I think that you will to. Hope that you all are doing well. Life is grand... and I am right where I am supposed to be.

We Are

I saw this documentary again for the second time tonight. I was able to see so much more then I was able to see the first time. We are all interconnected in a way that i had never thought was possible.. here is the trailer.

Exactly.

Saw a movie today... called Act of Valor. and it was awesome.  There was a quote in it that I had never heard....  its from Chief Tecumseh of the Shawnee Nation.
So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and nothing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home"

I like it.

Four Years.

Hey Everyone...
So yesterday I had 4 years of sobriety... this last year has gone by pretty fast. I had a pretty great day yesterday with friends...
I started this blog to be an essential part of my recovery. I remember early on in my recovery, like 2 weeks in, I wrote down a list of goals. One of them was to start this blog. It took me a little bit of time to do it... but I did. I am glad that I started it... because it will be a written record of how I felt on any given day in my recovery. My blog posts are fewer and farther between... but they sever the same purpose...  To chronicle the way that I am feeling on any given day.
Yesterday was a good day...

Gets me Everytime

Hey there everyone.
Just wanted to share a link with you. It is a site that gets me every single time. If I want to feel good and have a good cry... This is where I go.
The Welcome Home Blog.

Have fun everyone.

Explosions in the Sky. Mind... prepared to be blown away

Hey everyone..
So here is Explosions in the Sky. If you have never heard of them... then you are welcome. They have meant a lot to me since I got sober..  This was one of the first shows that I ever went to sober. It made me remember what it was like to really get taken over by the music. Music that really shakes the very foundation of everything that you are. I hope that you like it... even if you don't, you have to give them props..

Happy sunday everyone. and Explosions.. I will see you on April 16th.

Never Expected.

Sometimes there are things that happen in my life that I would of never expected. They just come by and hit me in the side of the head... really just come out of no where. I really can't explain whey they do what they do.. but I know in this sober life of mine these are things that I really should just expect to happen.
After all... I know that everything is happening to me for a reason. I know that somethings are good and somethings are not good... but they are happening to me for a reason. That is life.
I have been turned on my ear in the past week... and I will explain what is going on later on to you all.. but what I do know is that this is good. It is something that I would be a fool to pass up..

The Word, "Can't"

Sometimes i think that the word "can't" is in my vocabulary way too much. I catch myself thinking about it or down right saying it to myself. I know that it really just is a whole lot of fear that is churning itself around in my head. I know that fear is not the best thing for me.
My life is right in front of me.. .just ripe for the taking. I am an optimistic person.. and i always have been, but sometime i just think that i don't think that way. I know that my higher power has something that is in store for me. i have no idea what it is... but i know that there is something.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Hey All... Thought that you might want to see this. I think that it is truly magical. From 1999 to 2004 I went to Burning Man. Every year I went out to the Black Rock Desert and ran around on the playa with everyone. When I would be getting ready to go out there I would always have to plan exactly what I was taking. This would always include a very large supply of drugs and alcohol. Don't get me wrong... the desert did change my life. It was one of the single most important things to have every happened to me. It made me open up my eyes to some things that were bigger and brighter then I was. While I was there I was always trying to catch this dragon. The dragon was my very first high that I got when I was out there for the first time. It was something that was impossible to catch. I would spend a lot of time just trying to catch that....
This year I am hoping to go again.. and this time I am going to be clean and sober... and not so preoccupied.. There is a huge recovery scene that is out there also. I guess that it is a lot of people that are just like I am.
This year will have a very special place in my heart... and I can't wait. If you have no idea what the hell that I am talking about... just watch.
have a great night everyone... lots of love.

Nothing Could Be Finer

I am having a very good day today. Here are some pictures that illustrate the point.