do the work...

Wow... when I am not on top of my game I know it right away. when I am not doing what I need to be doing for me... it really really effects me. Something really small has gotten me kind of worked up.. and it really shouldnt have. the way that I am feeling reminds me of how I used to react to similar situations from my past.
I am starting work with my new sponser tomorrow... and I am really glad that I am. because it is not a moment too soon I must say. This is something that used to be commonplace in my life... a feeling that I was the one that was always right. Like I was the person that must always be heard...
and I know that this is not the case anymore..That there are for more factors at play now. and that this is not me now...I know that there is work to be done. and I am the one that will be doing it.

Which side are you coming from?

Something that I will always have with me from my second sponsor is.... am I coming at the situation from a place of love or a place of fear. That is something that I will always come in to play in my life. No matter where things take me.... Thanks Adam.

there comes a time..

today was one of those really big days in my sobriety... one of those days that really just should of happened earlier..
so in the last couple of posts i have been hinting that something was really pretty wrong with the way that I was doing things. I have just been sitting back and resting on my laurels for a long time.
Like classic Richie Rich fashion... I have made a situation a whole lot bigger then it ever really had to be. I pretty much dragged out something that really only should of taken five or ten minutes and streched it out over 3 weeks.. This overwhelming feeling of dread, fear and doom has been looming over my head like there was some cataclysmic event that was heading my way. Like something that was far worse then anything that I had ever been through before.
So... I took care of what was bothering me. I decided that I needed to work with a new sponsor. And I made it seem like I was breaking up with a high school girlfriend. I had done it before. I had changed sponsors before and I did the same thing exactly... except that my first sponsor was a little more scary looking then my second sponsor...
I went to a meeting at noon today... and right when I walked in I was asked to pick the topic and share a little bit. and that was God's way of telling me that i should shit or get off the pot.... so my topic was about fear. and that is what I choose to talk about... and many of the men talked about living in the now.... and I was clearly not living in the now. at all..
when I left... I knew that this was the time.
But when I finally stepped up to the place with a bat in my hand and did what I had to do... it was really easy. and my sponser totally understood what was happening..and we both knew that it was the right thing.
so now i am getting a new sponsor... and starting the steps all over again. and I am excited.

Suns out... its ALRIGHT

Good day everyone..
So heres the plan for today. I have the day off and I am going to turn the clock back. But don't be worried.... Im not going to turn it back that far. Im not going back to the days of day drinking and tripping over myself. No way... I am going to go back to just about a year ago. When I didnt have a real job... and all that I did was walk around my town, just walking and being really happy to be alive.
I am going to fill this days journey with pictures. Then I am going to talk to my sponsor.... and see what direction is in store for me.
Wow.... it's pretty nice to even have that choice today.
I have a really good friend... that is going away for a couple of weeks. and I really hope that she is going away for what I think that she is going away for. That would be awesome.

on and on

So I have managed to work myself into a little frenzy. and it is all my doing. Something that i have gotten myself into. Just like I used to go. Only this time its not really as major as it used to be when I was out there. But the common theme in these is that I have gotten myself into it. Really just making a mountian out of a mole hill...
There are some changes that are in the works. And I know that they are going to be a good thing. Its just putting one foot in front of the other.
I never knew in the begining of all of this how much fear played such a huge role in pretty much everything in life.

What a Crazy Thing...

There are some of those people that get up in the morning to go out of their way to mess your up. I am so not one of those kind of people... I think that I may of used to have been. but not anymore. I treat people with respect and dignity... and some people just dont.
I dont know really why. I think that it must be their upbrining... or the way that they have been socialized. where and what they grew up around. I guess that i was just brought up different.
Today... some people came around me that just made me really tense. I could feel the bad energy just eminating from them. It really started to stress me out. and all that I could think of was trying to keep calm and keep breathing. and after it was all said and done.. I prayed about the whole thing. and everything was all good. it took some time, but at the end of it... all was well

Another Day... Another Decision

Really important decisions are made everyday by all kinds of people. Decisions that effect their lives and the lives of other people around them...things that will make or brake them.
Decisions are a part of life for most people.. for me they were always pushed to the side. Like they could be taken care of later. Like they didnt deserve my attention. Some of this lacking really in the end hurt me and other people.
Now that I am sober. I get to make decisions on a daily basis... and i get to see people make choices that will change their lives forever. These monumental scary decisions..that have everything riding on them.
I remember how scary it was to go to treatment for the first time. I think because there was so much fear of the unknown. I was always wanting to be in control of everything around me. The master of my domain. When I finally did let go and give up my fighting... was the moment that I realized that I was finally safe.
And safety was all that I ever wanted.

Having a Choice

Another beautiful day in sobriety for me and many others....
My "little sister" in recovery is celebrating one year of sobriety today...and she is 19 years old. Something like that is so amazing to me..being 19 years old and having a year of sobriety...
She like me was one of those people that I thought would never get to a year. I never imagined that I would ever get there either...but she did.
I went to my morning meeting to celebrate her big day.. and it was so very hard to get up. I really didnt want to go..and if it wasnt for her birthday i probably would of never of gotten out of the door. But for some reason, God had other plans for me today. I got out the door this morning. And in true AA fashion, heard exactly what I needed to hear.
Having a choice today... I never had a choice before. I never had the choice to not drink. Even though that it was there, I was too blind to see it. Now that I have a little time... drinking never really ever come to me anymore. Now I have that choice. I have the choice to do the work.... or not to do the work.
I have been in a little lull lately. Doing the same thing everyday.... basically working... going home...watching a movie... missing my girl...not really focusing on anything. Someone really important to me said something this morning at the meeting...
She said..."this is the time that we are going to look back on.. and say, this is the time that defined our sobriety..."
Sometimes quickly... Sometimes slowly

No Matter What Happens....

Somedays when I wake up in the morning I arise in kind of a funk, and I dont know what its all about. Its the funk that I used to wake up with all of the time. The way that i was so used to feeling every single day. Always waking up with a big hangover...
I went to my meeting this morning.... and heard a really great guy speak. It's almost the end of my 6 month commitment as secretary of my favorite saturday morning meeting....
The topic was taking a second to pause. Taking a second to really look at the 24 hours ahead of yourself...
Im afraid sometimes that I am forgetting how bad it was back then.. and really how close that I came to death. I pray that I never go back to that place and time, but I know that it is really that lose to me.
When it all is said and done.. the most major difference in my life today is that there is hope. Hope that was never there before. I know, deep down, that my worst day sober is better then my very worst day drinking. I am so thankful for this Program and for all of the people that are in it that help me get centered...
It is what I need everyday...everyday for the rest of my life.

Wow...what a difference.

I was just listening to this group of really loud men that are outside of my house...yes it is Friday night and I know that boys will be alcohol fueled boys..but damn are they really annoying...not even really making any sense at all, just yelling out into the night air...sort of like wild dogs.
Well..tonight I really needed a meeting. I haveent been to a meeting almost all week. That is way too long of a time for me..I never really usually get Friday night off so I was pretty happy about tonight...because I was able to go to my favorite mens meeting.
These are the guys that I hang out with on my Friday night. This is waht I choose to do. and I love it...
This a group of men that really have made a great deal of difference in my recovery. It's a problem solving meeting...so really just whatever is put out there by the leader..then thats what we talk about. And all different kinds of things get brought up...it is a place that I can contribute and really just learn how its done. There is alot of sobriety in that room. Alot of people that I look up too...and there is alot of people in that room that respect me.
Its really a great place to get honest and really just put it all out on the table. It gives me so much hope to see men who have gone through all kinds of crazy things in sobriety... and not picked up a drink. thats what i learn from..thats what I go to meetings for..to hear the solution...

Shit we can tell our grandkids about...

Yesterday was one of the best days that I have ever had in my life. It was one of those days that I will defiantly be telling the next generations about..I got to spend the whole day with my little brother. well he really is only my little brother in age only. He is bigger then I and sometimes he seems like he is a little older in other ways...
We struck out on our journey pretty early in the morning. Our quest was to go to two different baseball games, two different parks, two different leagues, four different teams...all in one day. I had this idea a little while ago and it seemed like a really cool thing to try and do. After we left Monterey...we started to realize that this trip was going to mean a whole lot more then we had thought. I was something that we had never ever heard anyone else talking about..no one else ever doing. It was somethng that we were doing....as brothers.
We had breakfast and then it was on to game one...12:45 start, My team, My cathedral... the San Francisco Giants and AT&T Park, 3rd and King streets in beautiful downtown San Francisco. It was a beautiful day..and the park was, as always, awe inspiring. The Giants ended up losing the game..but it was still great.
Then off to our second stop...my American League team the Oakland Athletics..and the Oakland Coliseum. this stop was going to be a little different though...because we had gotten seats from a friend of ours for this one. and we really didnt know where they were going to be..we knew that they were going to be good...but we didnt know at the begining just how good. They were right behind the plate...not the normal right behind the plate seats..but the "you are closer to the batter then the pitcher" behind the plate seats...the seats that when you are watching the people that usually sit there on tv....you make fun of them but are secretly jealous...those seats. Awesome.
It really gave me a whole new perspective on the game...and a whole new love of it.
The day was awesome...something that we I or my brother will ever forget. It was a great day. I even think that we will start doing it more often...

Old Times..and Old Friends

I got to see a really great friend of mine that I havent seen in 2 years over the weekend. Not only did i get to see him but I also got to see his whole family...which was really a treat. They were really big parts of my high school years and many years after. This friend of mine is a really special friend..because not matter what happens...or how much time has gone buy it always seems like w ehave never missed a beat with each other. and I really dont have any other friends that i have had for that long that I can say that about..It almost scary. He is one of those people that is totally going to be in my wedding...even though I have only seen him a handful of time since I left my home town...
Then again...seeing him reminds me time is a going by. Im almost 30. and really I cant wait for my 30's because everyone that I have talked to that are over 30 say that they LOVED their 30's. The ones that I have talked to that say that they hated their 30's and that they really just wish that they could go back to their 20's remind me of those people that are in meetings that have a boatload of time but have nothing that I want.
My brother is coming up to see me and hang out tomorrow...and I am really looking forward to it. My brother and I's relationship has grown very much stronger since I got sober. It was always pretty strong but I know that this whole thing has really just cementeted it for ever...He was the one that took me back to treatment after I relapsed. That is something that neither him or I will ever forget. but just like old times...that is in the past.
Have a happy Tuesday all...love you tons

Happy Mothers Day Everybody..

Just need to give a big shout out to all of the mamas in recovery out there. And to all the other mothers out there. I love and respect you very much. I really wish that my mother was around to see all of this...but I know that she is up there watching everything...and really laughing..
Im having the perfect Sunday in the City. With the person that I love..and in the City that I love...and it helps that I got a new computer..that makes me love typing.
love you all

Yea For Us!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that we finally had elections for our area's Young People's Committie..We have only been trying to get this thing going for over a year and a half..
I know..I have only been sober for a little bit over a year...but I have heard stories...
The Monterey Bay will be a-buzz with new young peoples activities..I cannot wait. I hope that everyone is good. I am doing pretty well....all things considered..

Validation Station...

I was thinking this morning in my meeting about how I am trying to allign myself with the plan that my god has for me...and not trying to run perpendicular to Gods plan. Thats the way that I have always tried to do things it seems. See what I want and then do anything, or run over anyone, to get it. When I heard someone talking about the difference between "our wants" and "our needs" I can remember a light going off. There are still so many wants...and I know that God is taking care of my needs. If I let him.
I am happy to be sober today. I hope that everyone is doing good out there...

Made a Conscious Decision

Hey there everyone...
Today. Im making a conscious decision to just let it all go...and let my Higher Power just take it all. I am not in control of any of this...and he is.
When I woke up this morning I said a prayer...and thanked my Higher Power for three things...
1. Im Alive
2. Im Sober.
3. and that Im a member of Alcoholics Anonymous...

Right On Its Head

Wow, just how amazing how things can change right whenyou least expect it.
I woke up this morning with a really bad perspective on my day. How it was going to be really bad..right from the start. I secretary a meeting every saturday. and I wasnt really looking forward to going this morning...but the second that I got there...it all changed. I was greeted by friends that I have made through this program. The topic was the third step prayer..and contempt prior to investigation..
And all that I could come back to this morning was My Higher Power...and how I now have a conscious contact with my Higher Power...i love that...

Is this Heaven?

It all Crashed.

We were reading Bill's Story in my morning meeting and it seemed that
this morning it was really hitting alot of us in the room. My
homegroup has alot of people with alot of time that have read that
chapter many times. There is always something different everytime.
What was really grabbing me this time was his discription of himself
towards the end...the hopelessness and the madness. When the delerium
started to set in. I started to think about how I was when my DT's
started to settle I over my head. How Bill describes dragging his
matress downstairs and putting it outside his window just in case he
jumped. How I felt when all that I thought would save me was jumping
of something alot bigger.
How a belief in a power greater then himself would return him to
sanity. And how full of crap I thought that was when I first came in.
Now I know that it's Alcoholics Anonoymous that has helped me discover
a higher power that is mine for the first time.
It's so amazing that a drunk that hit bottom thanks in part to the
stock market crash of 39 would start this whole thing. Thank God.

Game On!!

It's crazy to me just how much you can lose with this disease. Things
that you have loved your whole life..things that were once part of
your healthy identity. Good things that you were once known for and
respected for. All of a sudden these things become more and more less
important in your life. Then they are all the way gone. Just poof
right in front of your face. For me other things just seemed to take
precident. Drinking just moved right in front of itnall.
I bet you are wondering why I'm saying all of this...well ..I signed
up for a hockey league tonite. I had started playing when I was 10.
Played very competitively for a very long time. And then my drinking
and using seemed to be more important. I haven't played in 3 years.
It's time. This is
A really big thing for me. But it really is time. Wish me luck. Hope I
don't break a hip.

Richie Fredell

Smoke em if you got em...

Hey there all...
Just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. I have been really enjoying my mens meetings lately...like alot. I heard someone recently describe meetings with the word "refreshing"...and thats what they have been to me lately...being able to really sit down and listen. hearing what God wants me to hear...and there is alot of things...
Im at the library. I just paid my fines....they were $7. i feel really good about little things like that. Being a responsible part of society...helping keep the Monterey Public Library going...
something funny is going on right now....great things that i get to observe. A guy is getting computer help from the librarian...and they are talking about how to use Google. (which is funny in itself)...and then there is another older lady that is telling them to be quiet...with a shooshing sound. classic. i love soberity

Good....

mush

So I have been really digging into the 12 and 12 in the last couple of nights. It seems that when Im down and I just want to communicate with my higher power....i can pray, or I can read the literature. The 12 and 12 is really the best thing ever. I am reading steps 3 and 4 right now. and I can finally really just start to comprehend them. after a year of soberity...alcohol and what it does to your body and brain...is crazy

It's Pretty Apparent To Me

I woke up this morning in my new house..and looked out at the the sun
rising over the Monterey Bay...and I just knew that my God has a plan
for me. After everything that has gone on in my life over the past
while...I know there is something. That is bigger then me ..and it's
not me

The Hayday...

I'm sitting in a coffee spot in Carmel. One of my favorites in the world. Right smack dab in downtown Carmel...my adopted little rich person town. I'm listening to some Carmelites talk about their hayday in San Francisco. And how the City used to be when they were there...kicking ass and taking names. They talk about their old haunts and watering holes...and it is really hard for me to not chime in. I just want to say...I've drank there, Ive drank there!! And almost every place that they mentioned..I had memories. Or lack of memories...
Then..my mind went to my last drink. And how scared I was to take it. How bad that I wanted it...and how bad I didn't want it. Knowing now about how much fear dominated my life....that last one was some scary shit! The rest of that day wasn't a picnic either. But I had to get through it.
I signed the lease on a house yesterday...i'm living with a good friend. And if you would of told me a year ago that I would have a full time job with the company that I do...and have a house that had the most beautiful view of the Monterey Bay ever...I wouldn't of believed it. Not for a second. The gifts of that last drink...I am a grateful alcoholic. Now I really know what that means.

Please and Thank Yous.....Thank You

When I was little one of the first things that I can remember my aunt really emphising was saying please and thank you. I remember how pointless that I thought that it was. How I thought that really had no point at all. I was really young and I didn't see the purpose. As I got a little older I really didn't see it because I was way too busy thinking about myself and how people saw me. I could care less about common courtesy. Then as things shook out further..and my head changed a little bit...please and thankyou took center stage. Just acknoledging the interaction with another human. And then thanking them for being a part of it is a really big thing for me now. It goes to show you just how much those seemingly small things really mean. I feel all mature...and that is something very new coming from this mouth. .

Recovery...State Wide

Wow...what can I say about this weekend. This was my second year going
to the All California Young People In Alcoholics Anonymous...and there
were
Alot of things that were different. The convention was really her
similar to last year...all of the difference was coming from me. I
know that God put me in the right place at the right time. I love the
convention for all of the really crazy and fun things that go on...but
I really love hearing from everyone around the state. And California
is a really big state...and so is her YPAA. There is so much really
great recovery here...so many great people to talk to..so many to
learn from.
Another sucessful year at ACCYPAA. another sucessful step in my
soberity...it was great to be here a year later...being able to really
relate and get alot out of everyone. Now it's time for the drive back
home.
I leave with a new zeal...at trying to finally rally the troops and
bring back the Monterey Bay Young Peoples In Alcoholics Anonymous.
With was incredably strong for many years...the 1972 ACCYPAA was held
there. And now there isn't even a YPAA. I have a feeling that is going
to change.

ACCYPAA 09

Good evening.

ACCYPAA 09

The All California Conference of Young Peoples in Alcoholics Anonymous
is about to get going. I'm on my way to irvine right now. I will be
throwing up pictures all weekend long.
Love all you guys...

Only Time Will Tell

Wow....this is my 100th post..I can't believe it. The time has really flown by...it is really amazing how all of this has happened. I can't really even examine the importance of this blog..and everyone out there in the blogging world. This has been such a key part of my recovery...I love reading other peoples blogs and how there daily lives are going. I love all of the great comments that I get from people that I would of never have known if it wasnt for this blog...I really love all of you guys..so I dedicate this post to all of you friends...

It Just as Easy...Could of Been.

One of those clear cut examples that shows itself..letting you know that you are exactly where you should be. But it just as easy could of been a whole lot different...just showed itself. As I was coming to work this morning...I saw an old friend that I had met while I was in treatment. Just about one year ago...he happened to be very close to me because we both had come in at around the same time. And we were naturally drawn to each other because we had both come back to the treatment center for a second try at it..both of us were equally beaten and broken. willingness and desperation was in no short supply for the two of us as we talked about how were were both going to change the whole thing...from the ground up. Change people, places and the things that we had no chance of controlling....a year ago.
He is at the other end of the spectrum right now. On the street....lower then ever before. and I can look at what a blessing that I have been given with my last year. A year of recovery...and i can reach out my hand and let him know that there is a meeting right down the street at noon.
I started to introduce myself as a grateful alcoholic...i am grateful for all of things that have brought me to this point. All of the decisions that I have made..with the help of my higher power and the people around me. Wow...how things can change all around you...and when it all comes down to it ...i have my recovery.

It Just Happens...

I want all kind of change. and I want it to happen right now. Not on Gods time, I want it to happen on my time. This is the way that my mind has operated for so many years now. Like i was the center of the entire universe. I learned that this was addict behavior...It was really my disease talking. I was told to start to do the footwork..and then things would just start to happen...
sometimes quickly...sometimes slowly...they will always materialize if we work for them.
But I had a real problem with the whold notion of having to work for them. I really wanted them to just materialize right now. Now I know that this is not how its supposed to work. That was not Gods plan for me...things are not supposed to work out exactly how I plan them too....
God is amazing...and I never would of ever thought that I would of been typing that sentence two years ago. but I know now that my God is a God of my own understanding...and dosent have to be like anyone elses...
People are coming back into my life..that I never in a million years would have expected to be. All of the things that I wanted to happen RIGHT now...they are starting to just happen....

Quite Content...

I have been feeling really quite content with everything right now...even right after my year. So many people advising me of how crazy and squirlley that you get after a year. None of that has really happened to me...but I was on the bus yesterday and i was thinking of the concept of serenity. Then i was thinking of the way that I have been feeling lately...content. The word serenity and my feeling of contentment is really one in the same.
So thats how its been...a little bit brighter...and when I really think about it...the sky is the limit.
In early soberity i told a really good friend that I respected that I was losing my pink cloud....and he said something to me that I will never forget....You don't ever HAVE to lose your pink cloud.
It really is up to me and my perspective...

The Healthy Ones

Never being able to form a healthy relationship with anyone...I
remember when I heard that for the first time in recovery I knew it
was all me. 100% Richie. I don't think I even knew the definition of
the word healthy...and there was no way I knew what it meant when it
was anywhere to the word relationship.
I am seeing something right now with the value of relationships..real
relationships ..that mean something. I'm seeing that healthy
relationships are the most important thing there is. Or atleast one of
the most important things. Other people that you surround yourself
with. Makes all the difference in the world

Time Will Not Pass Me By

There is mad clarity in my life right now...I am able to really
concentrate energy on what life has to offer me. What is being
presented for evaluation...I have the ability to make better decisions
now.
I am so very grateful for the rooms of Alcoholics Annoymous and all of
the people that are in them. The people that have helped me along the
way..they are a large part of where I am today.
I had the chance to chair a meeting tonight..and in that meeting were
alot of the people that have been a major part of my recovery. It
always works like that in this program...the right people always just
SEEM to show up. And I'm so glad it works like that.

One Year...and this is only the beginning.

Measure in Love...

How do you measure a year? What does it all mean when you break it
down...like my sponser said to me once....are you coming from a place
of love or from a place of fear?
Fear was the overriding feature of my life when I was out there. Fear
that masked itself in so many other ways and forms...usually for me it
was rage. Fear unleashed on the people that loved me.
So when I think of how I want to measure my first year...I will
measure it in love. That a concept like love was really a choice when
that choice was opened to me. Seeing things in a new light...and doing
the deal.
People ask me how I have gotten a year....longer then any other period
of soberity in my life. What was my big secret?...they ask.
Do you want it? Or don't you? Because when it all comes down to
it...it's really that simple. Are you willing to do anything to get
out of your situation and change your life? The only thing magical
that I've done is suit up, show up...and do the job set in front of
me. If you want further information on miracles...you can talk to my
higher power. A year ago today I started a journey that would change
everything...and all I had to do was change everything.

The Watch...

Its almost here....

Books.

I really do love this weather that we are having in the Monterey Bay
area....really pretty windy with a slight touch of nasty. Makes me
want to curl up with a good book. And read.
Last night after my young peoples meeting I got to give a friend his
first Big Book. It really brought back alot of memories about how it
felt to get my first Big Book...and what that meant. Really what the
Big Book and this program mean to me....life. Life from Death.
Something beautiful from nothing misrable.
It was such a gift to be able to give someone their first Big Book.
These are the things that I get to do these days. They may be very
small looking ...but they are very heavy feeling.

This really says it all

Good Morning Everyone.

I'm so glad that I got up this morning. It was one of those days that I got up...rolled around a little...and knew deep down that I needed to get to a meeting. And it is always worth the trip on the bus. I guess that I am really spoiled with the home group that I have. It is a group of people with an incredible amount of wisdom and soberity. When they say in the Big Book that we are a group that normally would not mix...they knew what they were writing. If you would of told me one year ago that the home group that I have now would be my home group I would of laughed. But where I am right now...I can't imagine my recovery without them. Every single one of them.
It really reinforces the importance of having a strong group of people that surround you
I love my group.

the Natural Progression...

So....its another big day in my recovery. It looks like Im going to be moving out of my sober living house. Moving to another place that is much closer to my work and alot closer to my meetings...For one of the first times ever it was something that I didnt force. Going into sober living was one of the best decisions that I made in my recovery. Living by the rules and really not fighting it was a crazy notion for me. because it was always really my way or the highway....
I was always shooting for a year....a year into recovery I was going to look for another place. but I wasnt going to push it...I wasnt going to force it. I knew that when i started doing that I was in for a rude awakening....like what had happened to me before...
I feel really good about this decision...moving to the next step. the next level...

all work is good work...

So yesterday I think that I had a breakthrough day...just sitting down and actually doing the work....I have always had trouble with really just sitting down and being able to meditate on anything. I can remember when I heard for the first time that I may have troubles with things like basic motor skills and reading for awhile during the first 16 months or so of recovery...all i could think was...not me. Im going to be different. Im going to be the exception to the rule...
but alas.....i has taken me this long to even be able to comprehend a complete page of reading....or to really concentrate on something. Like my fourth step....
So being able to just sit...stop...and really think..is really a blessing.

my pen is a shovel...

I'm trying to dig a bit deeper. That's what I'm supposed to be doing
right now. That is what's in front of me...
So I guess I've been feeling a little sorry for myself lately.
Thinking about how things should be...in my mind atleast. Like I
really know how things should be for me. I always forget to remember
where I'm at...and where I've come from. But then sometimes I think
way too much about where I've been.
That's a dilemma that I have...one that all my friends out there can
help me with. Not reliving the past...and not shutting the door on it.
Sometimes I think that I rely on the past for strength...maybe it's
all wrapped up in my pride.
So when I feel like this..I know (through work with my sponser) that
footwork will get me out of it. Redirecting me to what I have now...in
the present. So here I go with more footwork.

Affection

I was just thinking about how I really sometimes need outside forces for my own well-being...and i know that probably really doesnt make any sense to anyone but me...just knowing that other people love me is what i mean. and the thing is that I already know this to be true. I am told by so many people all of the time that they love me...that i am an essential part of their lives...
but somewhere deep down inside of me i still need satisfaction....so what ill do is send out random text messages...just to see who loves me...
i know that it sounds stupid...but i think that its been like this for as long as i can remember...just knowing that someone out there loves me...
but the difference now is that I know that I have a higher power out there..that really cares.

Right there

It's just crazy to what lengths I will go these days....I on the way
back from the City again. And I have to take a bus to San jose and
then a train to my final destination..and I guess that it seems like
alot for some people. I guess for me it's just what has to be
done...any lengeths I guess. It's just easier now for me to see a
problem and find out how to address it....and then do it.
I was really lazy...always defaulting to the easiest thing to do.
Drink..get tired...passout. Problem still there..but bigger.
I think I have gained an ability to wrap my head around things a bit
easier now
It just boggles some peoples mind that I do what I have done. It's
just how it goes..how this thing works for me.

Possible

I took a friends son to his first meeting tonight...and this son of
his is now a friend of mine. The friend is young...and we went to one of
my home groups..which happens to be a young peoples meeting.
Just to know that you are not alone in all of this is so big. When I
first saw that...it made this recovery thing just a little more
realistic. Something that I could really touch. People were right
there..on a common path. There were people that knew how to do it.
Where it was safe to walk..had a torch to light the way.
It was cool to see someone new see that first glint of light. The
possibility of hope.
It all starts...everyday...over and over again...with one alcoholic
talking to another alcoholic. I love that shit..

Fuel

>

> So I went to SF again...and again it was a great time really very
> chill....just hung out with a really good friend. And talked about
> the past...about my past behavior basically.
> I remember thinking a long time ago...if I ever turn into an angry
> drunk I'll quit. Because I don't ever want to be that guy.
> And of course I got angrier and angrier over time...with more and
> more consumption. But talking to people that I was close to back
> then it seems that my anger was a real big issue. I knew that I was
> being short sometimes. But it really was all the time. One time just
> ended up blending into the others.
> When I knew I was being short...I wanted to not be...sometimes.
> There were sometimes that thought it was my right to be....
> Paticience Rich....that's what I needed. I knew that the booze were
> just adding fuel. Now the fuel has been taken away...and I have the
> ability stop and listen.

Eleven Months..

And counting...that's where I am at right now. Just doing the next
right thing...I remember when that used to be so hard. It was
something that sounded so nice. Something that I wanted to do..but it
wasn't in my best intrests. Wasn't involved in my plan of attack.
It's creeping up on me...this whole year thing. People keep warning
me...about strange things that seem to happen around this time in
soberity. ...like going crazy and going out. I just don't understand
how that can happen. I pray that it dosent happen to me....or anyone
that I love that is close. One of my friends in recovery is watching
the clock...tonite at midnight she turns 1. And I saw her tonite at a
meeting...and she had this look on her face...and this smile that I
can't really explain. But I liked it...and I wanted it. Soon... I know.
Happy Birthday Brandy!! One year!!!

One more!

I love recovery tattoos

All that...and a Bag of Chips

You want to I think is the best part about my recovery? I mean..other
then being sober and being able to complete an actual thought. Knowing
that I never am alone again. Am I am naturally a loner..I like to hang
out by myself. But I know that's it's not very healthy for me.
That is one of the biggest concepts that I know...not having to be
alone ever again. We always have someone around us who cares about us.
I really like knowing that there is always going to be someone older
and smarter then me in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It helps
with my ego.

Look over here!!

It's always right there when you need it. It really is. Right when I
didint want to go to a meeting...there was the pull. Somekind of force
the was drawing me into the room. It had to be my higher power.
Heard about surrender. That's just what I needed to hear tonite. I've
been praying for the willingness to continue on with my footwork. The
work that is freeing me as we I write. Every word is opening the doors
that have long been locked inside me. And I know that it is
working....doing exactly what it's supposed to do. I just have to keep
on going...doing it.
The willingness is coming. I know it.

This has the potential...

This is going to be really intense. This love thing that's going on
inside of me...learning to love myself, so that I can give that love
to someone else. And all of those thoughts come across my mind...that
are busy getting in line.
Just since recovery came for me...I can feel this fountian of love.
Love that I always knew was inside there...but just didn't know how to
bring across. It was always brought across very wrong. I used what I
thought was love...to get exactly what it was that I wanted. Now I
know that it feels different...and I pulled the trigger pretty fast.
And the time just wasn't right. I so wanted it to be...but it just
couldn't be forced...and I always had forced it in the past. Because I
was the one that was controling everything.but this time all that I
could do was let go...not hold on too tight.
And just see what happens. I know that there is an unlimited place
where the love lives inside of me..

Tonite is beautiful

Doing it differently then I did it before...that's the way that I have
to think. This is where I'm supposed to be...I got off work on a
Friday night and that old familiar feeling came over me. I had just
gotten out of work and I thought that I had earned a drink. I have
felt that way so many times before...it's almost automatic. Well it
used to be automatic. I started to get into self pity...feeling sorry
for myself again. Woah is me bullshit...then I read what a really good
friend had written....it's time to get into the solution. Hell yeah it
is... Time to see it all for what it is. So...it's a beautiful Friday
night in my life. A beautiful Friday night in soberity...

Every second counts

I think about all of the events that got me to where I am at right
now. How if even one was absent maybe I would be in a totally
different place. Maybe I would still be full blown drinking and using...
Over the weekend I got to talk to people that I hadn't talked to in a
long time. It was good because I was filled in on some of the gaps in
the last couple of years. Some of those were some pretty big gaps. I
was reminded of how I treated some people. Reminded of some of my
behavior patterns that were so obvious to so many people...and that I
was so oblivious to. All of the things that I was thinking I was
getting away with...that I wasn't at all.
A total learning experence that teaches me how important every single
moment really is.

a whole new look...

Hello there all...
So here is my report from San Francisco...Had a great night last night with all of my old friends...It was really great to see them. and get caught up on all of the shit that is going on up here. and there is alot of it...and it seems to be all the same old bullshit. Same shit different day...Im glad that I have broken out of that mold...and last night while i was at my old bar the strangest thing happened...for the first time ever in the ol 540 Club...I didnt want to have a shot. I couldnt fucking believe it. What a miracle...surrounded by all of the old players..i didnt want to drink. It just want there. and all that i could do was smile...
there was alot of ego stroking...everyone said how great i looked. and how something was just different...yeah...no shit. Things were they way that they were supposed to be...
The one thing that I realized being here is that I am supposed to be in Monterey...100% supposed to be in Monterey..Im exactly where i am supposed to be. I miss the City...but Im not supposed to be here right now...
So there it is people..my first report. and my last report from my ol stomping ground...i come out unscathed. sober...and smiling

Adventures!

I'm off!!! On a whole new adventure...going back to the place that I
love and has my heart. I'm going to visit the City of San Francisco
today. Yes my friends..just for a visit.
I return to the City for the first time in over 9 months. And I am
feeling really good about this trip. I can't wait to see so really
great people there. One that I'm really excited to see is a person
that I drank with a whole bunch...someone that I actually served a
final drink to. She left the bar...and I thought that she had moved.
She had moved on...and gone into recovery. When I got into recovery I
found out where she had been. She hadent gone anywhere..she got sober.
So now we get to hang out sober...recovery buddies.
I'm not afraid...I'm going to see some people that I treated really
poorly in my disease. And they get to see me...the peace from change
that I have been given.
So here I go. I will let you all know how it goes.

Another blessing

Sprinkles

Everyday is full of so much more life. Things that were always so
blankly in front of my face. Streches of joy and beauty...sprinkled
with of a little funk. And the funk I know how to get out of.
It used to be...the super relentless funk. That there was no hope of
ever getting out of. And really no reason to because that would rob me
of my self pity. Sprinkled with an intermiant sence of
belonging...fueled by copious amounts of alcohol. Small sutule smiles
that guarded my deep denial...that I wasn't that bad yet.
Now there is longer sustained smiles...fueled by optimism. With a
sprinkle of hope.

Too Hot to Handle...too Cold to Hold...

Wow....am I getting close to 11 months of soberity. I can't really even believe it. I knew that once 2009 came that my soberity date was going to be coming faster then ever...and here it comes...
I have a really good friend that has become even closer to me in the last couple of days. He was four months out of a recovery center and wasnt really working a program at all. It really reminded me of how I was when I first came out of the Beacon House...all the way down to not getting a sponsor..
Well just like me...he drank again. He drank because he thought that he wasnt an alcoholic. That he could drink like normal people. exactly like I did..59 days into my soberity...We both thought that we could have just one drink...and it not have any lasting effect on us...
And of course..that was not the case...both him and I drank and went down really hard. I can remember asking men what the hell that i had to do to get it this time...and they said...just listen.
and thats what he is doing...right back in the drivers seat. going to meetings...and asking people that have come before for help...

A new year

And a very happy night it is...a new year is just hours away. And I am
alive and very well. Being alive has taken on a whole new meaning this
past year. This past year almost wasn't...it almost never happened for
me. This time last year...as 2007 was coming to a close, I was
watching the ball drop in Times Square from a hospital bed. Looking up
at a television screen wishing that I was at home in San
Francisco...with all of my friends. Ringing in the new year just like
I had so many times before. With a steady stream of booze-lovin...
My life as I knew it had come to a grinding halt in mid december...my
body said no more. So the first choice of my new year was to go to
treatment..a choice that would save and change my life in one fail
swoop...
I entered treatment and started to learn more about the disease that I
had. Alcoholism...and the power that it held over me. 28 days later I
popped out of rehab cured of my afflicition...or so I thought. I was
ready to go back home....and change my life without really changing
anything at all. And in the business that I am in it doesn't really
work like that.
Two weeks later...my disease reminded me of how much power I really
had over it.
This time...I removed my face from the dirt and set out to do it
different this time. I changed it all...I moved out of the City of my
heart...and I started on a new path. A path of recovery...that would
open my eyes to a whole new world around me. A world that I didn't
think would ever be possible for me...a life without alcohol.
This year has been the hardest...and the greatest year I have ever
had. There has been alot of crying, laughing, wondering, hoping,
praying,listening...and most of all learning this year.
One treatment center..one sober living house...one shitty jobs to
start it...one amazing job to finish it...two cities...lots of socks,
Paticence, and toothpaste...one fucking amazing home group...twelve
amazing steps...one life changing program...and a higher power.
For the first time in my life I'm going into a new year with
hope...and optimism. I have both eyes open. Putting one foot in front
of the other. 2009 is going to be a good year.

The best we can

For the first time ever I can truely say that I'm doing the best that
I can...with all that's happened in my head and heart. I can say it
with a straight face...

the nature of our business

Its just the way that things happen around us alcoholics and addicts. People that we are close to and that mean the world to us in our recovery go out. I know that I talk about this alot in my blog. but it is one of those constants..something that always happens. It just reminds me how this thing works...and how so very close i am to the thing that wants to kill me...
I seemed to have reached a turning point when it comes to people around me going out...I really used to take it personally...like it was something that i did. Or that I do enough to prevent it...Now im just really happy when the person that goes out comes back in out of the cold....I mean thats all that really matters when it all comes down to it...because that small time out could be the time that kills you..
So now...Im just glad that these people are back...some are back with a whole new lease on life. because they see, like i did, that they really arent missing that much out there...

Home again..home again...

When I come home...back to Ventura I mean. I really remember where it
is that I came from. I mean the real roots of my life. Looking back on
it with some perspective I realize that I really had an alright
upbringing...I actually had a great upbringing.
It's so sureal to come back here a year later...after all that has
happened in the last year. The hardest and greatest year that I have
ever had. To come back here sober and to fellowship with other people
in recovery in my hometown. And there are many...
I went to two really great young peoples meetings while I was
here..they were both small, but they we both exactly where I was
supposed to be. Around people who were dealing with the same things in
recovery that I was. Young people who are as down for their recovery
as I am. It's just so fucking good to be sober. It's so good to be
able to look at an upcoming year with optimism...and not the same
false hope...that something was going to be different this year.
Somehow things would change and I would have nothing to do with it. It
would just happen...and I could keep doing the same old things as
before.
I know better then then that now. Things have changed...and it's has
nothing to do with me. It's all because of my higher power.

The jumping off point...

That's what it's called in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anoymous...the
jumping off place.
Someday he will be able to imagine his life niether with or without
alcohol. That's where I was a year ago....
Exactly one year ago I was on my way to the emergency room...with all
of my denial completely shattered. I was at the most lonely place a
person can be. Completely scared..not knowing how to make it all just
stop...
Not knowing what the next step was to be.
I would wake up a couple of days later...not knowing where I was. Not
knowing what had happened. All that I knew was that the gig was up.
And I was beaten by alcohol.
All that I really wanted was just to get right and I would be good.
Back up on my feet...right back behind the bar..in the middle of the
party that I had created. The party that nearly killed me.
I am glad that it took what it took to get me to the jumping off
point. Because it got me here...one year later.

She is very happy that I am sober

I can see the look on her face looking down at me.
Probably laughing..

Just passed by this..

I was just walking to work. And I saw this...and I thought it might
mean something. Seems like god has been putting alot of signs in my
path. Any thoughts??

keeping the faith

I have heard that so many times before....keep the faith Rich...keep the faith. Then today i was really thinking about my faith. the fact that i actually have faith now. I have something to look to when everything around me is getting really tough. Something that I look to no matter what is happening..Something that i can thank when I go to bed sober at night. Something that I can thank when I wake up in the morning and don't have a hangover...when I can remember the events of the night before....and know that I probably won't have to apologize to anyone...
Well.....usually not have to apologize to anyone....
The difference is...i know that there is something there..something that i greater then me. There is no other reason that I am still sober after 301 days...when I couldnt even get 5 together before. There has to be something greater then me. and I feel it when I am going through the day...and I know that there is a plan for me...
A friend of mine today told me that I have a good heart...and for the first time in my life I know that I do.

Dramatics

Do you ever feel that you are being overly dramatic?? Or do you feel
that's just how it is in early soberity...?
I mean..I've let go completely of everything that I had.
Which..,looking back on it really wasn't that much.
I just feel that sometimes people may think that I'm being
dramatic...but then I ask myself why I really care what they think.
This is my fucking journey. My decisions...and this is the way that I
feel.
So when I think about it..I realize that I just have to have faith.
Because I have been told that faith is the opposite of fear. I really
think that all this is....fear.

This just says it all

Save some for later....

Sometimes I feel blue. And I am very aware of it. But it really used
to break me. Right in half...and I didn't know how to deal with it. I
knew how to crash and burn. In a bright, brilliant ball of flame. And
how romantic I used to make it all seem. Like it was going to somehow
make me feel better. Only if just for a second. But there was nothing
else behind it. Nothing new to back up my play.
Aleast now there is some hope. Walking to the bus tonight...feeling
kind of blue. But I just have to think about how this feeling used to
just sit on top of me. Like a really heavy wet blanket. And how there
is always tomorrow... And how that makes all of the difference in the
world.

The footwork.

God...show me what you want me to see.
That is my prayer to my higher power everytime that I sit down to work
on my 4th step. Something that would of never of imagined that I would
of ever of done before. I can recall thinking a while ago...How the
hell am I going to turn this thing around. After all of the really
messed up stuff that
I had done. Where was the path that I was to follow to fix all of
this. And I really hope that this shining path is easy. I really like
easy.
But I have found out that it's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed
to be work. And I am inheirently really fucking lazy. I want it given
to me on the silver platter.
It's not going to happen this time. I have to do the footwork if I
want this to work...and it is working.
Sometimes quickly....sometimes slowly.

Hope...

Now that I think about it...I never really even thought of the concept of the word hope...it really is such a great word. It is something that I now have a little more understanding of...hope...
Looking at the future....differently. Like there is something to look at now. Something to look forward to...like there is something to feel good about. Everything just seems different....much brighter...
I

Funky...

Wow..have you ever just had one of those days. Where nothing seems to go right...
Thats the kind of day that I am having to today...i have this lump in my stomach. like one that feels like impending doom. even thought that it may be for the best. It just sits there...and it swims around in my head.
Its a whole lot better now then it would of been back then. If this happened last year I don't know what i would be doing...probably drinking. and being really loud...
Nowadays I talk about it...not so loudly. I just let it out there

it all can change...

So yesterday I had one of my most beautiful moments in my sobriety thus far. I am helping a very dear friend of my find the gift that I have been given...I am able to share the things that i have experienced in my life. I just remember how I thought that there were so many things that were impossible. so many goals that i knew i wouldn't be able to achieve because of all of these doors that i thought that i could never open. All that it really took was a leap of faith...probably the biggest decision that i ever made in my life...
My friend last night went to her very first AA meeting. and she almost didn't go.....but she did. She took a leap of faith...and made the biggest decision in her young life.
Talking to another friend of mine last night we couldn't help but talk about all of the cool shit that is happening because of sobriety...all of the doors that have been opened, or kinda cracked open, or have the potential to be opened...just because we made that decision..or the decision made me.
In any case...I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face last night..and still cant for that matter...because things are going to change for her. If she wants them too...

Sugar coating.

Sometimes I forget that I'm talking to normal people...you know..non
alcoholics. They want to know what I'm up to and what I've been through.
I correct myself...these people may be "heavy drinkers".
So I go in to what my last year has been like. You know..it's been
pretty eventful..
I can't help but tell it like it is. The non sugar-coated version. I
forget that these people may have never heard just how bad it can get.
They have their view of drinking. And I have the reality of mine..
And sometimes they tell me that they didn't mean to get so
personal..and I just think I'm being honest.
I guess I'm where the rubber meets the road for some. I'm happy to be
that example of how bad it can get..and how all that shit can change.

just keep swimming.....just keep swimming...

there are many things that i have learned in the last couple of months..i think the most important thing that i have come across is from "Finding Nemo"....when Dori says...Just keep swimming..Just keep swimming..
Thats all that i can really do no matter what situation i am in. i could of never of imagined thinking that way over a year ago. back then it really was my way or the high way...thats the only way that i knew..
That was the way that i problem solved...now i just really have to sit and see what happenens..
There are some things that so very important to me...and at the top of that list is my soberity..if i dont have that, i dont have anything...
All i can do is....just keep swimming.

Let it all play out...

I remember being asked what my intentions were before I entered into
all of this. Finding a person that I really finally connected with on
such a different deeper level. I knew not what my intentions were..all
that I knew was that they were not bad. Becoming so close to someone
that you wished you could be around them more then you were.
But somethings aren't supposed to happen. But I know now that there is
plan. And I really have no say in it.

Words from the very start

So are somethings that I wrote when I got sober....the aftermath of the relapse...
Its crazy to read...where i am at now...over nine months later

Trainwreck?? Who me!?

Did you have one of those people that came through your life that
really let you know just how fucked up you were
In your disease? I did...And I finally was able to let her know how
thankful I am that she said what she did. It was the single event that
really started to break the bubble of my pure and perfect denial.
I used to love to say...I once met a girl that drove me to drink..and
I never had the decency to write her and thank her.
Now I can say...
I once met a girl that drove me to into recovery..and I had the
decency and gratitude to write her and thank her.
It never ceases to amaze me...the path that my higher power has for
me. Never a boring day in soberity.

Presence

Wow. Did I have a great day yesterday. My first sober thanksgiving
since I can almost remember. As you think it would..all I could think
of was the word gratitude. It's like I really felt the real meaning of
the holiday for the first time. I went to a Mens meeting and it was
exactly what I needed. Like I was meant to be there...that's because I
was supposed to be there.
I got to be there for my family. Of just all felt right. Now I'm home
and I'm looking at things just a little differently...things seem a
little brighter. ...maybe a bit sharper.
I'm so grateful that I'm sober.

The smallest opening

Who would believe that an alcoholic like me could get to this place.
Somewhere that I thought was totally impossible. One thing that I gave
learned through all of this is that I have to re examine my definition
of the world impossibe. Because it has changed for me.
Nine months ago today I was going back into the Beacon House...and all
that I knew was that I was beaten. I couldn't control it or ever hope
to. I needed the help of others. And those others were the ones that
put their hands out
And told me that they had seen this before... And they knew what to do.
I am grateful to all of those people that were there at the
begining...and that are still with me today. Not because of any
obligation... But because this is what we do.
I am proud to be a part of that group.

Knowing the difference

I know the difference between feeling good and. Of even knowing. It
used to be that this was really how good it was going to get. And it
really wasn't that good....not that good at all. Now I'm more aware of
my feelings and what I can do to help them along. Actually all that I
really do is to pray for them. And I know that things will work out
the exactly the way that they are supposed to.
Someone much wiser then myself told me one time that the opposite of
fear...is faith. And that means alot to me. Because I have faith
today. And it's in something other then myself and other then alcohol.
That was all that I had before I had the program.
Now I know how I can understand those things that I used to wonder how
it was so easy for others to get. Today I know that I can actually
achieve those things that used to be seemingly so impossible.
All I had to do was ask for help...and do work..

Dream a little dream

You know what I am a big fan of...dreams. Real vivid, lovely, bold,
beautiful dreams. Last night I had a dream about golf...don't tell me
why I had a dream about golf but I did. And I can remember the whole
damn thing. Every little part...well almost every little part. Atleast
I can recall enough to write parts of them down.
I remember that I used to have dreams when I was drinking and
using.... But they were nasty, disjointed, messy waking dreams that
made no sense. I could recall them when I came to..but then I would
think of something else and the dream would go away.
I like the way that my dreams are now. Because I know there is so much
more to my dreams that I really pays for me to remember them.

The small things

I just remember how hard all of the really small things were. How much
of my effort that everything was going to take. And how adiment I was
against sound them.
I remember thinking to myself..this should not be this hard..or...I
should be wanting to do this. It shouldn't be a chore.
This was things like eating, shaving, changing clothes. You know
really basic shit. Nothing else really mattered.
I can remember the first time that I heard the 9th step promises read
at a meeting.
We will know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...
I though that was something that I could really use. Some help with
these hard things. The things other people did without blinking.
It's getting easier to deal with situations now that I'm sober.

Sitting in it..

If someone would of told me that every thing was going to change I
would of said...no way. I couldnt see anyway past what I had made for
myself. I felt that I was destined to be stuck In the same spot forever.
Last night I was watching an episode of intervention. The guy was
drinking the exact way that I did. Drinking to pass out, drinking to
cope, drinking to forget...basically drinking to die. It was the love
of his little daughter that really snapped him out of his rutt. I
think that it was family that really was the thing that made me
realize what I was doing..and the people that I was really putting
through hell.
I think that the most painful drives I have ever taken was with my
brother going back down to treatment after my relapse. I felt like a
kid that had gotten in trouble with a parent. The shame and disgust
was written all over his face. And I really didn't get it. I was
really only concerned with myself and what was going on with me.
So this holiday season I am really excited to go home and be with my
family. The most excited I have ever been for the holidays since I got
really big expensive presents..I have gotten a much more valuble
present this year.

not the brightest star in the sky...

you have those days where just everything seems to be off...well i have been having less and less of them since i got sober..but yesterday was a day of real ups and downs...
and the added knowledge of all of the locations of bars that are open does not help the situation...its not like i was going to drink or anything..not even close. but thats the kind of shit that just enters into my mind...im an alcoholic for christs sake.
people were just getting to me last night. a couple of people that i know in the program that have a good amount of time just went out. and they seemed so strong to me..but life happens i guess. I just get frustrated when people go out....do they not know whats at stake...i mean really. atleast for me..I know that I will die. pretty fucking simple. I never want to go back to the way that I felt...just waiting to die.
Im glad that there is another day..another day thats not filled with the same old shit.

A new pair of glasses

Its funny to me how we always looked at a situation the same way before...at least thats true for me. I can remember always feeling that i had to harden myself to things that were coming at me...like i had to meet them with opposition..now i just feel differently..
like there is another way to look at the entire thing...

Must be present to win....

i heard that at my morning meeting. and I loved it. because it is so damn true. That was such a big problem for me when i was using..really being present in real life situations.
Like when my grandmother and mother both past away...and I used it as an excuse to drink. Well I would use anything as an excuse to drink...really. But everytime that I was around my family i was always on edge..and really thinking that i needed the relief that was to come from alcohol...and now i have trouble really even remembering some of those last precious moments with my mother...the moments that i will never have to do over again. My mother was a recovering addict...and she knew what was happening to me...and she knew that the only choice that i had was to either get some help...or die.
Im just so glad that I can be the one that people can come to. a person that can be relied upon...i always thought that i was that person...but my use came first...not anymore.

A Beautiful Sunset

I guess I consider myself lucky..

When i think about my journey i have to really realize how lucky i am. No matter what...I dont have to drink today. The obsession to drink has been lifted from me. thanks to a power greater then myself...because there is no way that i had anything to do with it..
and as my father says..."Rich...ya didn't do shit"
and for the first time in my life...i know that is true. i had no hand in any of it...
Then I think about all of the people who choose to go out and do a little more research about their disease...like they need a little more understanding about how much it kicks there ass. I am so glad today that i don't have to do that anymore...i am free of that. and its because of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and a loving higher power...
but i think of the analogy of someone slamming their head into a brick wall...over and over. trying to get rid of a headache...when really there is a way that has worked for so many people...
sometimes i have to stop and pray while i am in a meeting...while i am hearing people tell their stories of wondering what they have to do...to get this..that they just cant get it. and they keep going out.
and i find myself just getting really frustrated...wanting to say something. but thats not how i do it now. i do it differently now...i do alot of things differently..

Honesty...

The people that I choose to surround myself with is something that really amazes me..like last night i was at a meeting. That before i went to i wasnt really in the mood to be there at all..but thats the time that i really need to be at a meeting. It was a good meeting most of the way ...but i could feel my mind wondering all over the place. I started to pray to try to ask for a little help with this. because i knew that there was some reason for me to be there..
then a good friend of mine. another person that is early in soberity like myself.....the topic of the meeting was honesty..and he proceeded to say that he had relapsed a couple of times in his soberity..i could tell that this was eating up his insides....so he said something about it..and it made me almost start to cry....this was what my life was looking like. people that had the balls to do things like that because it was eating them up insides....thats who i want to be around. because thats how i want my life to be like...
the word honesty was totally foreign to me before i started my journey in the program...i always thought that i knew what honesty was...but it was my idea of honesty. and it wasnt what i wanted to be...now im on a different track. and i like what road im on....

I know that everythings going to be alright

I have this feeling that everything is going to be alright...and even
if it isn't. I'm not alone.
And that is all the difference in the world.
Have a beautiful sober day..

Happy Birthday to Me...

I had my first sober birthday in a very long time..like since I can remember. The history of my birthday has been one that was soaked with alcohol...
I found that the greatest thing that happened to me on this birthday was all of the love and support from everybody thats around me. It really makes me realize the importance that my life plays in the lives of others...that my life really does make a difference.
Towards the end of my drinking...I really didnt see a reason for me to go on. i know now that this was the alcohol tainting my life...but the only way that I can describe the way that i was thinking was...sickness.
Another year has come to me...and this is a very different one. This is going to be a year of clarity..and a year of differences...

I am always coming back to the word...gratitude
I am so glad that I am sober...and that my higher power has given me what he has given me. and all of the people that he has given to me..I can't imagine my life any other way. especially the way that it was..

Getting out of my own way

It's really amazing how life just happens around you..and how much
more beautiful it is when you're sober. Everything still happens but
the difference is..is that you are present for it this time around.
I'm sitting here, waiting for a friend of mine to pick me up so I can
be on time to work. I can actually be a places when I say I'm going to
be there. People know that I'm being honest and can be relied upon.
They know that I'm not trying to avoid subjects by deflecting
them...or lying about them.
I like being that guy. I've always wanted to be that guy...I always
"tried" to be that guy... The key word in that statement is "tried."
Now I don't have to try..I just am.

Days of Grace

So I had another beautiful example of how much my life has changed in the last months. I chaired a meeting that i really truly love this morning. I was floored that I was even given the oppertunity to do it. When I was asked by the secratery I really could'nt believe it...
So this morning...I sat in front of a large group of people that I really respect and shared about a passage that I had chosen in the Big Book...It was all centered around my quest for acceptance and for true relationships...All through my life, from when I could earliest remember...
Through trying to get attention from my father who wasnt there, or from my mother who was using, or from slinging drinks from behind a bar...i just wanted someone there. And I never could find it...so i tried to find it the only way that I knew how...booze.
Then when that didnt work for me anymore....and almost killed me I turned to a group of strangers. And these strangers where there for me...with an amount of resolve and expertise that I would of never imagined. This was the group that would become my family..this was the group that would save my life....
A very close friend of mine asked me a couple of days ago....Don't you just love our new family??
I think that it summed it up very nicely...

It's coming..I know it

It's coming..I know it

So I think I'm doing everything right..being as avaliable as I can.
Learning and helping as much as I can.
I'm really practicing patience as much as I can.
I know that this is shaky ground for me in the past...my pride kicks
in and I start to get resentments. Start to take things personal...
Eventhough I know that in this situation I know they are not.
I just get frustrated when I'm putting alot of myself into
something...and I'm not seeing the return. I know that they are just
around the corner.
I just have to have faith. And know that this is where I'm supposed to
be.

What?? And miss all this..

What?? And miss all this..

I just really can't believe how close I did get to losing it all..I
mean at the time I really thought that I had lost everything..so the
next progression, I thought, was death. But now I am so very grateful
to have learned that I truly didn't lose it all.
I still had my life. No matter how bad it got. I was still breathing.
Barely.
Like today for instance...I had a couple of friends that I used to
work with in the City call me at 6am to get my opinion on
something..they were still at the bar. And they knew that the only
sober person that they knew that would be up at 6am (thank you Good
Morning Carmel) was me. At first I was kind of annoyed with the
call...but I thought about it for a minute. I was the only SOBER
person they knew that would be up that early. Yes I am.
Now..I'm waiting for the bus. Watching the leaves begin to change in
the trees of Carmel-by-the-Sea. Feeling the wind gently blow against
my face. Realizing how lucky I am to be alive. And to be surrounded by
the people that I am.

Have you ever had something happen to you that feels so right?? But
you really don't have anything to compare it to..something like this
has never really happened to you before. Buy you know that it's
supposed to be happening. It's happening to me...

Have a beautiful day all.