Good Place

Today has been one of those days that I can't explain. I really have no words for.. but I am going to try and put something together.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was just feeling that everything was going wrong. My head hurt and I felt that my heart was not in the right place in my body. I knew what I had to do... I had to say a prayer and see how the day would play itself out.

I posted about my day on Facebook.. hoping to get some sympathy I guess. Sometimes I think that is what I need.... is just a little acknolodgement. I seek these things from other people....

I wrote another blog post... .on another blog that I write..  www.beaconhouse.org/blog and I started thinking about the Big Book and when it gives the example of your daily routine. What you should do in the morning and what you should do when you turn in.

I really don't have a daily routine.. i just kind of let everything go and just let the chips fall as they may. Things are beyond my control.. but I feel that I don't have any idea what is going to happen next. I don't have a lot of skills when it comes to knowing what is going to happen in my day. I know when I have to work and I know when I have to go to school.

I went to Marin and had some coffee and wrote. That is something that I have been trying to do everyday now.. is write about what I feel. A lot like I do when I am writing here.. but it is different. It is more like a journal... and I don't know what it is but I really enjoy the act of physically writing.... and I don't remember it ever being like that before.

When I got home from that... I was in this amazing place. I really couldnt desc
ribe it except for the fact that everything felt right.

I have been reading this book..... called the Untethered Soul. I have only read the first chapter so far but it really made me think..... about the inner dialog that goes on in my head and how that dialog is not me. Disconnecting myself from the dialog is something that I have never thought of before... That realization was something that took me to a really positive place...

I had never even thought of disconnecting myself from that voice.

Things are happening.. exactly the way that they are supposed to be happening and its a beautiful thing.

Reasons....

There are things that happen for a reason... and when they do I don't know why they happened I just know that they happened. I am living the result of them.
People come and go out of my life for these reasons. Sometimes I think that they should go and there are other times that I think that they should stay. Sometimes I think that I have the answers to how these situations should work out....
When it all comes down to it... in my life, there are somethings that I can't explain. I don't want to. Sometimes people come into my life and it just feels right. My heart tells me that what I am feeling is true.... my heart will not steer me wrong. My heart will tell me the direction that I should go.....
The other person that is in that other direction may not be at the place that they need to be to receive me... but my heart is there. and it is trying... and that is all that I can ask.

I put my heart out... knowing the risks that are involved.... but I do it freely....
I am love... and I deserve love.

I have said this prayer many times over the past couple of months... and it is always just right.

God... thank you for what you have given me.
God... thank you for what you have taken away from me.
and God... thank you for what I have left.

Just another day in the life of a recovered alcoholic.... I am so glad that I get to feel this experience and feel these emotions...

Dream a little dream

You know what I am a big fan of...dreams. Real vivid, lovely, bold,
beautiful dreams. Last night I had a dream about golf...don't tell me
why I had a dream about golf but I did. And I can remember the whole
damn thing. Every little part...well almost every little part. Atleast
I can recall enough to write parts of them down.
I remember that I used to have dreams when I was drinking and
using.... But they were nasty, disjointed, messy waking dreams that
made no sense. I could recall them when I came to..but then I would
think of something else and the dream would go away.
I like the way that my dreams are now. Because I know there is so much
more to my dreams that I really pays for me to remember them.