Just About Every Year

Hey all. I hit the blog just about once a year. Thanks for coming back...

Every time that I check in.. there is something big that is happening in our lives.

We are having a baby. We are really excited about it. 

When it really comes down to it.... all I have ever wanted in my life is to find a life partner, and then have a baby with that person. Hands down... that's all that I've ever wanted.

The baby is due in September, so I will let you know how she is doing sometime next year....

Oh yeah... its a girl. 

I won't tell you the name that we have picked out. You will have to wait.

Have a good night. Comment below to let me know you are here.

Those Promises

Hello everyone!

Sorry that it has been a while. I know that I say that every time that I don't post for a long time and then come back. It has been a good amount of time.

There have been some developments since we last spoke.

1. I got MARRIED! (yes, married)

2. I changed careers. I got out of the tech/startup world and went into a field that I have always wanted to go into. EMS. Yes, Emergency Medical Service. I am in EMT in California. I got my license in October.

Ok.. those are the 2 big things. Let's break these 2 down a bit.

First, my wife.... because she is amazing.  

You have all been along for the ride, so you know all of the history. If you don't know then you can just got back into this blog and check it out.  There have been a couple of girls that I was with that I thought that I was going to have something long-term with....  but really, when it comes to a comparison to what I have with the woman that I am married to.. there is no comparison.

She is everything that I always wanted in a life partner, and she came out of nowhere.... just like I was told that she would. She came from the internet... and Italy.

She is beautiful.. like knockout beautiful. She is my exact type. I think I have been searching for a woman just like her for such a long time that I forgot what my type was... but there she was. My perfect being.... my perfect life partner. She is all that I have ever wanted.... all that I have ever dreamed of.

She is Italian... like from Italy. (I always have to say that... I don't know why). She has a beautiful accent that makes me feel like anything is possible.  She is helping me learn italian... otherwise I won't be able to communicate with any of my new family in Italy.

She is creative. She is a designer... and talks about all kinds of creative stuff that over my head.

I changed careers. 

I was getting really disillusioned with what I was doing... really the whole startup/tech world that was flourishing around me... as I kept getting further and further along, making more and more money... all I could think of was...

"All of this doesn't mean anything... this is all bullshit. I have to get out of here and do something that means something... even if I don't make any money doing it"

So I made my decision... I was going to go to EMT school and go into the world of EMS. It was always a dream of mine to do something in the public safety realm. My mother was a nurse and always told me that I was going to end of in health care someday. For some reason, I always knew that she was right.

When I left my job at the startup... I was so relieved. I knew that this was the right direction for me to go. Some of my former coworkers could not understand why I was going to do something that didn't pay well.   Money did not matter to me. At the end of my employment at the startup, they could have offered me 3 times what I was making and I would have turned it down. I was that unhappy with what I was doing.

It has taken a while. I got licensed in October and am going to finally start my first EMT job in a couple of days. We have a 10 day vacation in Italy (to meet my new in-laws) in December and I thought that it would not be a good idea to start a new job and ask for time off.

It is a new adventure. I am thankful for everything.

I will be better about updating you all.... thanks for sticking with me for these 8 years.

Well Hello There

So much has changed...

I don't even know where to start.

It has been quite a long time since I wrote in this blog. I guess that has been the pattern for a while for me. As you read before (probably) I have been pretty busy with my work for the past couple of years. It's so crazy how something like that can just take over your life.

That is what happened with mine. I have been working for a company for the past almost 2 years that has taken all of my attention. I have a tendency of putting everything that I have into something when I really believe in it. Thats what happened here.

I learned so much about myself over the past year... both personally and professionally. I had a real fear that I was not going to be able to accomplish some of the things that were set out in front of me at the beginning of that period. Things that were ahead of me were pretty daunting.. and I just didn't think that I had it in me to do them...

Sometimes when you are doing something.. you are forced to act out of necessity (and fear of failing) and when you come out on the other side... you have learned that you can do things that you that you thought that you couldnt do... only a short time before.

It is because of this... and some other reasons (that I will talk about shortly) that I now know that I can do anything that I put my mind to.

Last Friday... was my last day at my company. The reason that I pulled the plug on it was because I want to chase a dream. A dream that I have had for a long time... and that I was not able to go for because of some serious life reasons before... namely money.

The most major thing that has happened to me since we last talked is that I am engaged to be married... I know! I know!  I met someone... and we are going to be partners for the rest of our lives. She is my major support system... and I could not be doing what I am doing right now without her.

I am starting a new chapter in my life... starting a profession that is the ultimate example of being of service to others. I will tell you more about it later... but I just wanted to let you all know that I am back..

Trains and Gratitude

Hello everyone.

Its been a little while. I am sorry that i have been gone for so long. Well here I am.. good to be here.

Right now I am on a train that is headed for Boston. I was in New York City for a couple of days and I loved every minute of it. Well almost every minute of it. I am on one of Amtrak's Acela Express trains on the east coast. Its the baby bullet train of the US.. and it is pretty damn awesome.

I love trains anyway but this is a great experience. Looking out the window looking at the world just fly by around me. Thinking about my life over the last couple of months.

I have a new position that has let me travel to a bunch of new places. I have been to Austin and Boston. I went to two baseball games at Fenway Park and a game at Yankee Stadium. Those were a couple of things that were on my bucket list.

The best thing that has happened to me is that I met someone amazing a couple of months ago. Well, really it was about 4 months ago. We had met each other while I was still in SF before I left for LA in May.

She is amazing.. and I don't really even have the words to describe the way that I feel about her. There are no words that can do it. They are just feelings that i have that i have never had before. They make me feel loved.. make me feel a part of something magical. Its all that i have ever wanted.

I am pretty happy with what I have right now. There are things that happen to me day to day that frustrate me. Everything that is happening to me is helping me alone the journey.

Great Job!

Good evening everyone.

It has been a little bit of time since I have written here and I think that its about time for me to do that. So here we are.

Lots of things have changed for me.  I feel like I say that a lot in this blog.. but thats the beauty of it really. That things can just change... when it seemed that they never used to change. Or things would always just seem to turn out bad... all the time. Now that is not so much the case any more. Sure.. things are bad sometimes.. but they are never like they used to be.

It's a Beautiful Thing

Sometimes I get these fits of inspirations that fill me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. I can't really explain them that well but i know that they are right. I know that they are supposed to be happening.

They are a combination of warm light, amazing warmth and boundless optimism that seem to just grip me. They grab hold of me and shake me to the very foundation. They refill my well of optimism in my life and the future.

Something happened to me last night... and in the end its a very good thing. Some part of my heart closed off just a bit... and there was pain. My heart was beating just a little bit faster then it usually would. But after awhile... all that I could think about was how grateful I was to have experienced it in the first place... and how excited I was to get to experience it again.. in a different way.

In the end.... this life is a beautiful thing.

Day 2192

I just sat here and really thought about what it really means to me. I can not help but just well up with tears.

2192 days of continuous sobriety.... is 6 years. Today is a very important day because it celebrates the day that I was brought back from the dead. It celebrates the day that my entire life changed and an entire new world opened right in front of me.

I was thinking about it earlier today and talking to a friend about how I really didn't think that 6 years was that big of a deal. I was thinking back on my 4th sobriety birthday and how I really didn't think that it was that special. I was looking forward to my 5 year birthday that would come the year after. That was a really big one.... but every single on of them are big.  Every single second of every single day is nothing short of a miracle.

Right now I am just filling up with a whole bunch of different feelings... but the word that keeps coming into my head is gratitude. I feel so much gratitude right now.. for so many different things. Gratitude was something that I don't think that I ever really knew the true meaning of before I started this journey 6 years ago. Now it is something that is so ingrained in me that I know that I cannot live without it.

So many different things have crossed my way in the last 6 years that have guided me along this path. Thats the way that this thing works. The people and the places that dictate your path . All of the faces and phrases that filled the Carriage House at the Beacon House.. and the Fellowship Hall in Downtown Monterey.... and to the Vista Lobos room in Carmel will always guide me wherever I go.

I never would have imagined that I would get sober... it a 7am meeting in Carmel, California. I would be at that meeting... everyday at 7am..... because that was what was suggested. Good Morning never felt so good as it did in Carmel.

All that I knew was that I was willing to do anything to not feel the way that I was feeling. I wanted to not feel like I wanted to die.. all the time. I had no idea what was happening and I didn't know what to do. I was so very scared and the only way that I could picture relief was through my own death. I knew that I really didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I knew that there was something more for me then wasting my life away in 6 am bars and dirty gutters. I was 28 years old.. and I was not done yet.

Recovery is the most amazing thing on the planet. Really it is. There is nothing that is more powerful then someone admitting that they need help and reaching their hand out for that help. There is something so amazing about the people who reach out their own hand to hold on to those people. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about it. There is nothing more powerful on this earth... then one booze hound alcoholic all-star reaching his or her hand out to another who knows EXACTLY what that person is going through.

I didn't want anyones help when I was in that spot... but that all changed when I was forced into that position. When I almost met my maker... a weeee bit too early. I was brought to my knees and I had to make a pretty simple choice. Do you want to live or die, Rich.. black or white. I would try to do all that I could do to try to figure my way out of it without having to make the choice. There must be someway that I can keep doing this. Can't I just dry out?... and maybe just drink wine on the weekends?

I tried a little research... I relapsed and was right back where I started.  That is what it took to make me truly admit to my innermost self... that I was an alcoholic. I was one of those people that booze just did not get along with. I had lost the privilege to drink like a gentleman.

I came back to the peninsula and knew what I had to do. It was really pretty easy. There were a lot of people who had done it before. They knew what they were doing. I had not idea what the hell that I was doing... so I just did what they did. This is how the program works. Its really not rocket science. The program was designed so that any old drunk could make the easy decision of a spiritual life over an agonizing alcoholic death.

I am really glad that I made that decision... or that the decision was made for me and that decision stuck. I cant imagine where I would be if I did not walk into Dana's office at the Beacon House.. at 8:30am... on February 26th of 2008.That is why this post will be published exactly 6 years to the day.

Death would have taken me... and I would have never have been given the opportunity to share my experiences with you in this blog.

My name is Richie... and I am a grateful, bright, sparkly, joyful alcoholic.

You Can Only Live Your Life

I don't even know how I feel right now. Well maybe I do.

Something happened to me a couple of days ago that really disappointed me. It has something that has given me the same reaction almost every single time that I hear it happen. I have heard it so many times since I got sober and I expect to hear it so many times more... but it always sucks when I do hear it.

I am talking about when someone that you love and care about says that they have had a drink. People that are in recovery know what this feels like. When someone says that to you it is almost a shot to your heart.

It always has the same basic feeling to me. There is the initial shock to the system. There used to be some resentment that would creep in there.... and then there was the jealousy that would come.

I just had someone who was very close to me to me that they had been drinking. I was pretty shocked even though I knew that it was very possible with this person. It still sucks though. I knew that there was pretty much nothing that I could do about it either. People have to live their own lives and can only use me to give them advice or let them know about my experience. I can't live their lives for them. This has taken me a long time to realize.

My sobriety date is coming up pretty soon. It is something that is so sacred to me. I will never let anyone or anything take that away from me.

I just have to be there for those people that chose a different path then me. That is all that i can do. I will happily do that for this person. I will be there for them. If they need me.

Life as I know it

There are a lot of things that are happening to me right now. Pretty much everything that is happening is a good thing.  These are things that I am ready for.. parts of my life that are ready for a change. A good friend of mine said it pretty well.. that i am in transformation.

I can feel that I am breaking out of something that i have been in for the past couple of years. We will see what happens... but i can feel that there are very good things that are happening to me.

I feel that when I surround myself with amazing like-minded people that only good things can happen.... or at least productive things can happen.

Exciting times my friends.. exciting times.

Shooting Pictures

As you can see I have been shooting a lot more pictures lately.

I know that it is the best thing for me. It always seems that when life is a bit more raw I seem to be more into expressing myself through photography.

Here are a couple more that I took. I have been editing shots that were already on my memory cards that I just had not gotten to yet.

Night Time.. its my time

Hard Mornings

Everytime that I wake up I think of her.

No matter what I do I will wake up with the taught of her and it makes me really sad. I know that I will pull out of it and by the time that I am ready to go to sleep I have been in a much better place for almost the whole day.

Usually after I write something down and then really think about it I start moving in the right direction. I woke up with a headache this morning.. for no apparent reason at all. I hate it when that happens.

I don't remember if I had a dream about her last night.. but that has been happening a lot. I know that this will get better but it is not a fun way to start my day.

Each morning does get a little better. I know that I am moving in the right direction... and that this is where i need to be doing what I need to be doing. I am growing as a person.... and that is important. I just wish that my heart would not have to suffer for it.

That Kind of Day

Today is a writing day for me. There are a lot of days that have become that for me.

I know that writing has saved my life on multiple occasions. At least it has saved my sanity more then once. I feel that I can write things down and take the power out of them. When all of these thoughts are just sitting in my head I am on dangerous ground for sure.

I go to a coffee shop and start writing. Usually I try to just write in streams of consciousness because it really shows what is on my heart.

For some reason I have never been able to look back on them... I have this fear about them. I don't know what it is all about but today for the first time in a long time I looked back on something that i had written in September.... and it was almost identical to what i am feeling right now. I was in the exact same place.. knowing what I had to do. The path was so well lit in front of me and then something else decided that it was going to be there turn.

I am ok with the something else.... I would not trade it for the world but I know that I got sidetracked from what was best for me.

I went a saw one of my best friends a couple of days ago.. this is someone that has known me for a very long time... and has seen all of the stages that i have gone through in the last 10 years. He told me something that I already knew but I just needed to hear from another person. I needed to hear it from someone that I trust and respect. It put me back on track... right where I need to be.

I love how my life is like that..... having people in my life that can just be present... and help me steer the course.

Nice Little Packages

I have been thinking a lot about many different things lately.  My head has been moving in different directions..  different thoughts and different emotions swimming around in there and sometimes if feels like I don't have any control of them.

Yesterday I was in a meeting and something just struck me. It was the beginning of the meeting and we were reciting the Serenity Prayer...  I just really started to think about the words and how they applied to me.

Every single word of that prayer had a direct impact on me and those words just kind of flowed over me like water...

God... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... the courage to change the things I can.. and the wisdom to know the difference.

It pretty much covers everything in just one long sentence. It covers everything that I am thinking about in once nice little package.  All of the things that I cannot change but I want to have have control over... like that control is going to change the outcome of anything.

I am leaving to go see a dear old friend of mine in Oregon after work today. I am pretty excited to go because I have not seen him in like 8 years or so... that is way too long.

Letting Go

Easier said then done.. for sure.

I have been thinking about the Third Step a lot lately.. a lot about the third step prayer. I have been having a lot of troubles letting go lately. There are somethings that I am holding on to... very tight. Well less tight then I was a couple of days ago.

I know that this is the key and that it will get better as the time goes by. I still don't have to like what is going on even though i know that it is the best thing that can be happening to me right now.

Having to let go and give up the power that I had taken back from my higher power is something that I don't like doing. Even though I know that this is essential for my ongoing health and happiness.

I go on tangents in my head about what is happening in the other persons life... and if that person still cares about me. If that person still loves me.... and all of that stuff does not matter really because I know that whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I have so much evidence about how that person feels about me... based on the things that have been said to me and what that person has done for me.

These are the things that go through my head.... less and less as times go by. There are things that make them pop into my head without warning. Like going to the movies by myself...and going to the town that the person is from.

The third step is essential right now in my life. Giving up the power...

Momentous

So yesterday.. when all of the stuff that I have described earlier was going on I got a text from a new friend.... someone who I had never met before but I knew that they were already a friend.

It was someone who was asking for some support and love so that they could get sober. Of all the things to happen to remind me of my primary purpose on this planet... that happened.

To Stay Sober... and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

Yep that pretty much describes everything in a nut shell right there doesn't it. When someone reaches out I want my hand to be there. It was a total God Shot for me... right when I needed it. It would help take myself out of my own head and focus on someone who needed help.. amazing.

I remember when I was trying to get sober.. and the people who's hands were there were the people who were the ones that I would always look to.

I have a really good feeling about this year. I think that there are going to be some major life changing events that fill it. Like they do every year... this one is going to have more of them with even more of them being significant.

There have been many ups and downs this year. Different people have crossed my path. Even a very special one... I don't know what is going to happen in the future and I have no control over it.

Here is to 2013 and what it brought me... who it brought into my life. Here is to the future and all of its blind beauty... it keeps me warm.

Press Start

Thats right.. I am double dipping today.

I had a minor freak out today. It was nothing super major.... alright, it was. You can see a little bit about it in my previous post. I was having somethings happen to me today and I had to express myself about them.

There are things that I know that are good for me.. but at the same time I don't want them to happen because they are going to hurt me emotionally. They feel like sandpaper on my face and I don't want them to happen... but I KNOW that it is the best for me.  Usually this revolves around stopping communications with specific people that I have no business communicating with because there is really nothing good for me to say to them.

Time and space are the things that are most needed... but to do this would mean that I would have to admit to myself that these feelings of pain are immanent.

I really hate feeling pain especially when it comes to relationships. I know that these are the times that make me grow and change.. but they still suck.

Last year at this time I was talking about the same thing as the new year came around. I was talking about how this new year was going to revolve around me.. and it was going to be the ALL ME 2013...  It was like that for a good amount of time.. all the way until April. I am hoping that I will be able to recapture some of that same spirit that made me change as a person at the beginning of last year.

I know that this is possible. Everything is possible in my world. Always was and it always will be.

The pain sucks.. but it is the touchstone for positive change in my life. It has been the past couple of times that it has happened to me.

Plus... Evidently.. I am a catch.

Devastation

It has been a couple of days since my major life event and today has been a REALLY bad day. I really don't know how to explain it.... I have had a couple of good days and then a couple of really bad days...  but today really just takes the cake. I have done everything in my power to make myself feel better today. I had a whole bunch of sleep and I ate this morning.. but that was not enough.

I am so heart broken. so so heart broken. I am trying to deal with it the best way that I can.... but it really sucks and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is not my fault. Its never my fault. There is always some outside force that is effecting me and my heart... and this is no different.

Today started with me waking up from a dream.... and then sitting up in bed. I could not get back to sleep ... or at least it took me a long time to get back to sleep. I just keep going over really stupid tangents in my head.

Yesterday was a really good day. I was doing all of the things that I needed to do... and today is shit.

I know that it will get better.. but i think that it is going to get worse before it gets better.

Thank God for this Blog

Thats all that I have to say....

I dont know where I would be if it I didnt have this blog as an outlet. I have used it on and off for the past almost 6 years as a place to express myself and be heard. Even if I dont get a whole lot of response on it.. I do sometimes. 

I have heard from people though that they have been given advice and inspiration through my words.. and that is all that I want to do. 

Sometimes I just think that I cant talk to anyone and I just want to write it out.. so this is what I do. I have few people that I am close to that I can reach out to and express myself too.... but I find that this avenue is essencial for me.... 

I really appreciate you all being here and reading this for the last 6 years.. it means a lot to me. As you can see I have been through a lot... but I never put my head down. I am always fighting.. I am a professional survivor... just the way that I like it. 

I went to a meeting today for the first time in awhile. I do not recommend taking so much time in between meetings. I dont even want to tell you how long it has been... way too long for an alcoholic of my type. 

It was good to be there. Reminds me that I cant control things.. and when I try to things get messed up. This is not my job anymore.. I have a new employer. My higher power is always looking out for me... and I have to let things go... and let it get handled elsewhere. 

Constructive

I have some big things going on in my life... because that is what I have to do to move my mind in another direction. Or at least just pre-occupy myself with some constructive things that I want to have going on.

That seems to be the way that I deal with things like this. I try to see the good things that I have in my life and concentrate on those.... like taking pictures.

I have made myself a deal... I have been taking a picture every night and I want to do another show... maybe a photo book.

We will see...  but I feel that there is always light at the end of the tunnel I feel.