on and on

So I have managed to work myself into a little frenzy. and it is all my doing. Something that i have gotten myself into. Just like I used to go. Only this time its not really as major as it used to be when I was out there. But the common theme in these is that I have gotten myself into it. Really just making a mountian out of a mole hill...
There are some changes that are in the works. And I know that they are going to be a good thing. Its just putting one foot in front of the other.
I never knew in the begining of all of this how much fear played such a huge role in pretty much everything in life.

What a Crazy Thing...

There are some of those people that get up in the morning to go out of their way to mess your up. I am so not one of those kind of people... I think that I may of used to have been. but not anymore. I treat people with respect and dignity... and some people just dont.
I dont know really why. I think that it must be their upbrining... or the way that they have been socialized. where and what they grew up around. I guess that i was just brought up different.
Today... some people came around me that just made me really tense. I could feel the bad energy just eminating from them. It really started to stress me out. and all that I could think of was trying to keep calm and keep breathing. and after it was all said and done.. I prayed about the whole thing. and everything was all good. it took some time, but at the end of it... all was well

Another Day... Another Decision

Really important decisions are made everyday by all kinds of people. Decisions that effect their lives and the lives of other people around them...things that will make or brake them.
Decisions are a part of life for most people.. for me they were always pushed to the side. Like they could be taken care of later. Like they didnt deserve my attention. Some of this lacking really in the end hurt me and other people.
Now that I am sober. I get to make decisions on a daily basis... and i get to see people make choices that will change their lives forever. These monumental scary decisions..that have everything riding on them.
I remember how scary it was to go to treatment for the first time. I think because there was so much fear of the unknown. I was always wanting to be in control of everything around me. The master of my domain. When I finally did let go and give up my fighting... was the moment that I realized that I was finally safe.
And safety was all that I ever wanted.

Having a Choice

Another beautiful day in sobriety for me and many others....
My "little sister" in recovery is celebrating one year of sobriety today...and she is 19 years old. Something like that is so amazing to me..being 19 years old and having a year of sobriety...
She like me was one of those people that I thought would never get to a year. I never imagined that I would ever get there either...but she did.
I went to my morning meeting to celebrate her big day.. and it was so very hard to get up. I really didnt want to go..and if it wasnt for her birthday i probably would of never of gotten out of the door. But for some reason, God had other plans for me today. I got out the door this morning. And in true AA fashion, heard exactly what I needed to hear.
Having a choice today... I never had a choice before. I never had the choice to not drink. Even though that it was there, I was too blind to see it. Now that I have a little time... drinking never really ever come to me anymore. Now I have that choice. I have the choice to do the work.... or not to do the work.
I have been in a little lull lately. Doing the same thing everyday.... basically working... going home...watching a movie... missing my girl...not really focusing on anything. Someone really important to me said something this morning at the meeting...
She said..."this is the time that we are going to look back on.. and say, this is the time that defined our sobriety..."
Sometimes quickly... Sometimes slowly

No Matter What Happens....

Somedays when I wake up in the morning I arise in kind of a funk, and I dont know what its all about. Its the funk that I used to wake up with all of the time. The way that i was so used to feeling every single day. Always waking up with a big hangover...
I went to my meeting this morning.... and heard a really great guy speak. It's almost the end of my 6 month commitment as secretary of my favorite saturday morning meeting....
The topic was taking a second to pause. Taking a second to really look at the 24 hours ahead of yourself...
Im afraid sometimes that I am forgetting how bad it was back then.. and really how close that I came to death. I pray that I never go back to that place and time, but I know that it is really that lose to me.
When it all is said and done.. the most major difference in my life today is that there is hope. Hope that was never there before. I know, deep down, that my worst day sober is better then my very worst day drinking. I am so thankful for this Program and for all of the people that are in it that help me get centered...
It is what I need everyday...everyday for the rest of my life.

Wow...what a difference.

I was just listening to this group of really loud men that are outside of my house...yes it is Friday night and I know that boys will be alcohol fueled boys..but damn are they really annoying...not even really making any sense at all, just yelling out into the night air...sort of like wild dogs.
Well..tonight I really needed a meeting. I haveent been to a meeting almost all week. That is way too long of a time for me..I never really usually get Friday night off so I was pretty happy about tonight...because I was able to go to my favorite mens meeting.
These are the guys that I hang out with on my Friday night. This is waht I choose to do. and I love it...
This a group of men that really have made a great deal of difference in my recovery. It's a problem solving meeting...so really just whatever is put out there by the leader..then thats what we talk about. And all different kinds of things get brought up...it is a place that I can contribute and really just learn how its done. There is alot of sobriety in that room. Alot of people that I look up too...and there is alot of people in that room that respect me.
Its really a great place to get honest and really just put it all out on the table. It gives me so much hope to see men who have gone through all kinds of crazy things in sobriety... and not picked up a drink. thats what i learn from..thats what I go to meetings for..to hear the solution...

Shit we can tell our grandkids about...

Yesterday was one of the best days that I have ever had in my life. It was one of those days that I will defiantly be telling the next generations about..I got to spend the whole day with my little brother. well he really is only my little brother in age only. He is bigger then I and sometimes he seems like he is a little older in other ways...
We struck out on our journey pretty early in the morning. Our quest was to go to two different baseball games, two different parks, two different leagues, four different teams...all in one day. I had this idea a little while ago and it seemed like a really cool thing to try and do. After we left Monterey...we started to realize that this trip was going to mean a whole lot more then we had thought. I was something that we had never ever heard anyone else talking about..no one else ever doing. It was somethng that we were doing....as brothers.
We had breakfast and then it was on to game one...12:45 start, My team, My cathedral... the San Francisco Giants and AT&T Park, 3rd and King streets in beautiful downtown San Francisco. It was a beautiful day..and the park was, as always, awe inspiring. The Giants ended up losing the game..but it was still great.
Then off to our second stop...my American League team the Oakland Athletics..and the Oakland Coliseum. this stop was going to be a little different though...because we had gotten seats from a friend of ours for this one. and we really didnt know where they were going to be..we knew that they were going to be good...but we didnt know at the begining just how good. They were right behind the plate...not the normal right behind the plate seats..but the "you are closer to the batter then the pitcher" behind the plate seats...the seats that when you are watching the people that usually sit there on tv....you make fun of them but are secretly jealous...those seats. Awesome.
It really gave me a whole new perspective on the game...and a whole new love of it.
The day was awesome...something that we I or my brother will ever forget. It was a great day. I even think that we will start doing it more often...

Old Times..and Old Friends

I got to see a really great friend of mine that I havent seen in 2 years over the weekend. Not only did i get to see him but I also got to see his whole family...which was really a treat. They were really big parts of my high school years and many years after. This friend of mine is a really special friend..because not matter what happens...or how much time has gone buy it always seems like w ehave never missed a beat with each other. and I really dont have any other friends that i have had for that long that I can say that about..It almost scary. He is one of those people that is totally going to be in my wedding...even though I have only seen him a handful of time since I left my home town...
Then again...seeing him reminds me time is a going by. Im almost 30. and really I cant wait for my 30's because everyone that I have talked to that are over 30 say that they LOVED their 30's. The ones that I have talked to that say that they hated their 30's and that they really just wish that they could go back to their 20's remind me of those people that are in meetings that have a boatload of time but have nothing that I want.
My brother is coming up to see me and hang out tomorrow...and I am really looking forward to it. My brother and I's relationship has grown very much stronger since I got sober. It was always pretty strong but I know that this whole thing has really just cementeted it for ever...He was the one that took me back to treatment after I relapsed. That is something that neither him or I will ever forget. but just like old times...that is in the past.
Have a happy Tuesday all...love you tons

Happy Mothers Day Everybody..

Just need to give a big shout out to all of the mamas in recovery out there. And to all the other mothers out there. I love and respect you very much. I really wish that my mother was around to see all of this...but I know that she is up there watching everything...and really laughing..
Im having the perfect Sunday in the City. With the person that I love..and in the City that I love...and it helps that I got a new computer..that makes me love typing.
love you all

Yea For Us!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that we finally had elections for our area's Young People's Committie..We have only been trying to get this thing going for over a year and a half..
I know..I have only been sober for a little bit over a year...but I have heard stories...
The Monterey Bay will be a-buzz with new young peoples activities..I cannot wait. I hope that everyone is good. I am doing pretty well....all things considered..

Validation Station...

I was thinking this morning in my meeting about how I am trying to allign myself with the plan that my god has for me...and not trying to run perpendicular to Gods plan. Thats the way that I have always tried to do things it seems. See what I want and then do anything, or run over anyone, to get it. When I heard someone talking about the difference between "our wants" and "our needs" I can remember a light going off. There are still so many wants...and I know that God is taking care of my needs. If I let him.
I am happy to be sober today. I hope that everyone is doing good out there...

Made a Conscious Decision

Hey there everyone...
Today. Im making a conscious decision to just let it all go...and let my Higher Power just take it all. I am not in control of any of this...and he is.
When I woke up this morning I said a prayer...and thanked my Higher Power for three things...
1. Im Alive
2. Im Sober.
3. and that Im a member of Alcoholics Anonymous...

Right On Its Head

Wow, just how amazing how things can change right whenyou least expect it.
I woke up this morning with a really bad perspective on my day. How it was going to be really bad..right from the start. I secretary a meeting every saturday. and I wasnt really looking forward to going this morning...but the second that I got there...it all changed. I was greeted by friends that I have made through this program. The topic was the third step prayer..and contempt prior to investigation..
And all that I could come back to this morning was My Higher Power...and how I now have a conscious contact with my Higher Power...i love that...

Is this Heaven?

It all Crashed.

We were reading Bill's Story in my morning meeting and it seemed that
this morning it was really hitting alot of us in the room. My
homegroup has alot of people with alot of time that have read that
chapter many times. There is always something different everytime.
What was really grabbing me this time was his discription of himself
towards the end...the hopelessness and the madness. When the delerium
started to set in. I started to think about how I was when my DT's
started to settle I over my head. How Bill describes dragging his
matress downstairs and putting it outside his window just in case he
jumped. How I felt when all that I thought would save me was jumping
of something alot bigger.
How a belief in a power greater then himself would return him to
sanity. And how full of crap I thought that was when I first came in.
Now I know that it's Alcoholics Anonoymous that has helped me discover
a higher power that is mine for the first time.
It's so amazing that a drunk that hit bottom thanks in part to the
stock market crash of 39 would start this whole thing. Thank God.

Game On!!

It's crazy to me just how much you can lose with this disease. Things
that you have loved your whole life..things that were once part of
your healthy identity. Good things that you were once known for and
respected for. All of a sudden these things become more and more less
important in your life. Then they are all the way gone. Just poof
right in front of your face. For me other things just seemed to take
precident. Drinking just moved right in front of itnall.
I bet you are wondering why I'm saying all of this...well ..I signed
up for a hockey league tonite. I had started playing when I was 10.
Played very competitively for a very long time. And then my drinking
and using seemed to be more important. I haven't played in 3 years.
It's time. This is
A really big thing for me. But it really is time. Wish me luck. Hope I
don't break a hip.

Richie Fredell

Smoke em if you got em...

Hey there all...
Just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone. I have been really enjoying my mens meetings lately...like alot. I heard someone recently describe meetings with the word "refreshing"...and thats what they have been to me lately...being able to really sit down and listen. hearing what God wants me to hear...and there is alot of things...
Im at the library. I just paid my fines....they were $7. i feel really good about little things like that. Being a responsible part of society...helping keep the Monterey Public Library going...
something funny is going on right now....great things that i get to observe. A guy is getting computer help from the librarian...and they are talking about how to use Google. (which is funny in itself)...and then there is another older lady that is telling them to be quiet...with a shooshing sound. classic. i love soberity

Good....

mush

So I have been really digging into the 12 and 12 in the last couple of nights. It seems that when Im down and I just want to communicate with my higher power....i can pray, or I can read the literature. The 12 and 12 is really the best thing ever. I am reading steps 3 and 4 right now. and I can finally really just start to comprehend them. after a year of soberity...alcohol and what it does to your body and brain...is crazy

It's Pretty Apparent To Me

I woke up this morning in my new house..and looked out at the the sun
rising over the Monterey Bay...and I just knew that my God has a plan
for me. After everything that has gone on in my life over the past
while...I know there is something. That is bigger then me ..and it's
not me