The Range of Emotions.

Today was quite the day.. I would have to say. I have not had a day like today in quite a while. It took me across the entire range of emotions that I could feel. I went from inspiration to dedication... to frustration.. to indignation... to procrastination...  then work ended and I saw one thing that just about set me on fire... and not in a good way. It was something that was very small but it brought back some of the feelings that were filling me at the end of last year and the beginning of this year.

I saw one picture of a small piece of her arm and that was all that it took. I let this feeling last for about 30 seconds... and that was too long. I stopped and I said a prayer.... and shook my head back and forth. You know, the way that who shake your head when you want to snap out of something. Then just like that I was right back into gratitude and ready to do something good for myself.

I ended up taking some pretty amazing photos that I am going to edit tomorrow.

The thing that really held a lot of power, and put me right back into gratitude today was going to a memorial service for an old friend of mine that had passed away at the end of last year. I had not seen this person in almost 8 years and had not talked to him since I was in treatment. It was a gathering of many people that I used to be very close with more then 10 years ago but when I started to bartend and got out of that circle these people just fell right out of my life.

It was the end of one stage and the beginning of another stage. It was the natural progression of things.

It was great to see these people... and the time has passed and it has changed not only myself.. but these people. I can sense that I will not be strangers with these people for another 10 years. I don't think that I do that anymore... I want to have these valuable people in my life.

The really amazing part of the night was thinking about my friend who had committed suicide and that we were having the memorial for. He was someone who had had their fight with alcohol... and in the end it was the thing that took him out. I never knew just how major a part that alcohol had played in his life but all that I could keep thinking was that I could relate with him. I could see how that this could of happened because I have been there. I never got that close to committing suicide but I could understand how he could of gotten to that point.

I miss my friend. I miss the guys smile. It always seemed like this guy was smiling and living life. There is another side and I know what that looks like. I am so grateful that I saw that and I decided that I wanted to go another direction because I could just as soon be right where my friend is.

I pray for my friend... I know that he is at peace now and that he is smiling.

Two Weeks Away....

God willing... two weeks from today I am going to have 5 years of sobriety. I know that you are not supposed to say that before the thing happens.. ..... but I know who I am. I know that tomorrow I am not going to have a drink... and hopefully the day after that I will not have a drink either.

It's so crazy to me that I can say that now. Just like it is second nature to me now. I remember when I first heard in the Big Book that I would recoil from alcohol like from a hot flame.... how distant I thought that was. How I wanted that so much.....

What I am thinking about doing over the next two weeks is re-posting some of my favorite blog postings of mine from the past almost 5 years. I think that it is a good idea and it makes me look back on some of the vivid moments that I have captured over that time.

So here is my first one. I think that it pretty much captures it.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Let's Get this Show on the Road.

So today I have a day off. I am pretty excited about the whole thing... really I am. I love my job, but a day off is quite beautiful. I am heading back up to the City of San Francisco for the first time in awhile.. I am going to be staying with my big sis up there.. So tonight should be a really good night.
Today in my morning meeting we talked about gratitude and where you are now. I felt compelled to chime in and offer my two cents about the whole thing. I described where my life has taken me in the last two years and how much that it means to me.

Its funny sometimes. Somebody asked me a couple of days ago why my life revolves around AA and recovery. This person wasnt in recovery obviously and didnt have any kind of program. To them AA was kind of a burden that you had to graduate from. I have heard from alot of wise people that AA I will never graduate from. There is always something to learn. I don't think that I ever want to gradate from this school of spirituality and nice slow geologic change. I quite nice where I am.. and I love where I am going.

Here is the link to the page

These Are The Time

These are the times. The times that I remember how it used to be and I am very thankful for what I have. I am so glad that I have learned the importance of gratitude in my life. It is the foundation for so much of the way that I see things. I can look at something and almost all of the time I can see the positive side in it. I guess that I can see the glass half full.
Right now it is Christmas Eve and I am all alone in my room. Just thinking about all of the gratitude that I have for my life right now. Earlier I was feeling myself slip right into a bad place but I was able to get myself out of it. It is getting easier to do that as time has gone by since my break up.

Sometimes I think that I might just be being way to public about the way that I am dealing with the whole situation. Really, I think that is the right way for me. Sometimes I feel that nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan about it anymore.... but my friends are more then that. They are there for me through thick and thin... or atleast most of them are.

These are the times that I remember and am grateful for my friends and my family. Well... it's time to start my second movie of the evening. It's called Polar Express and I have heard that it is a great holiday movie.
Merry Christmas to all of those that are reading this.... and to all of those out there that are still suffering... I offer my love and prayers for you. I hope to see you soon and share some of my hope with you.

Thankful

Today I am very thankful for my sobriety... I am so thankful that I am here and that I have the ability to love.... that I have a heart that has the ability to love.

Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.

I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.

I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.

I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.

Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.

Building a Home

You know when sometime you just know. I have known people that told me that you just know when you know. something that just pokes through the fog and is just so obviously to you. Like it was there the whole time.... it just needed time for you to see it.  There were things that just needed to happen for it all to become clear...  time just need to have its way with the whole thing. Now that it has.... it is so much more beautiful then anything than you could of ever imagined.
If you would of been asked to con jour up the whole thing way back when you would of missed the mark by so much.
So I am glad that they time has passed.... and this thing is right in front of me and so right.  Just like it was supposed to be... and thank what ever gods may be that I am here to see it.

Nothing Could Be Finer

I am having a very good day today. Here are some pictures that illustrate the point.

Things that I don't need to understand.

I had a really great holiday. I got to see my family and all of the great things that happen when I am with them. I drove almost 800 miles over the course of 3 days, but it was well worth it. The drive was really nice because it gave me a chance to thing about somethings.

There has been a lot of things that have been going on in my life over the past couple of months. Major things have happened to me.... and I am just trying to get somethings sorted in my head. Long drives with great music help... sort things out. 

One of the awesome things that happened while I was down there was me seeing my best friend from high school. There are very few people that I keep in contact with from my days at Ventura High School.... let alone communicate with on a regular basis. Joe is the exception to this rule... we have been in contact pretty much constantly since we graduated high school. He is one of those people that I don't think I will ever not be in contact with over my lifetime. When ever we talk, and we haven't talked in awhile we are right back with each other... like we never missed a beat. He is getting ready to go around the world helping to do good. He is going to be building schools, teaching english, ministering... pretty much anything that needs to be done, he is going to do. Thats the kind of guy that he is. He gave up a really high paying job just to do something that is meaningful. Thats awesome. 

The other thing that is on my mind tonight is something that really throws me off.... Something that really perplexes me. Someone in my past that I love very much decided a couple of months ago just to stop talking to me all together... and I really don't know why. We were in communication with each other and everything was seeming fine, and then just one day.... it stopped. I know that she is ok because she is active on social networks and the such.. she just doesn't want to talk to me. Its just really strange to me, because it has never happened to me before. No one has really ever stopped taking to me all together.... ok, maybe there is someone else out there that doesn't talk to me. I know that I did something wrong with that situation... and i made a amends. 

Well everyone.... thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.
Oh yeah....today is 1400 days clean. 1400! Wow that is nuts. This time 4 years ago I was in a coma... times and attitudes change.... 

Let's Get this Show on the Road.

So today I have a day off. I am pretty excited about the whole thing... really I am. I love my job, but a day off is quite beautiful. I am heading back up to the City of San Francisco for the first time in awhile.. I am going to be staying with my big sis up there.. So tonight should be a really good night.
Today in my morning meeting we talked about gratitude and where you are now. I felt compelled to chime in and offer my two cents about the whole thing. I described where my life has taken me in the last two years and how much that it means to me.

Its funny sometimes. Somebody asked me a couple of days ago why my life revolves around AA and recovery. This person wasnt in recovery obviously and didnt have any kind of program. To them AA was kind of a burden that you had to graduate from. I have heard from alot of wise people that AA I will never graduate from. There is always something to learn. I don't think that I ever want to gradate from this school of spirituality and nice slow geologic change. I quite nice where I am.. and I love where I am going.

another complicated day... or is it.

Just getting up and looking around.. just thinking about how fortunate that I am to be alive and to be in the place that I am at. Went to my favorite coffee shop in my hood and all of the people there like me and don't want me to leave. That is a really nice feeling.. that people like you and want you to stay in their establishment. Yesterday was a pretty big day..I had it off and I really did nothing, except nap and putz around on my computer.
I sat on my back deck last night.. and looked at my world in front of me and I smiled, because I knew that everything was going to be alright. That I was on the right path and I was exactly where I am supposed to be.
Day by Day things seem complicated at first.. then I remember that I have God. and then it seems alot easier.

Off... With Another Lesson Learned.

Alright everyone. I am just about to get on the plane to go back to the bay area. and I have a little time to reflect on the past couple of days as i wait for the plane. Actually I really dont have that much time. So lets see how much that I can type before i get the call.
What a trip. I saw alot of great things about Portland that I wanted to see. There were alot of questions that I needed to answer about P-town.. Like how is the recovery. How is the message being carried. ...Like i am some saint of the message.
The message was awesome.. but I did only go to one meeting while i was here. And it was a great meeting..
How are the people up here? Well I got to see alot of old friends that I havent seen in a long time..
Another thing that I did notice was the network of really good people that my friends had around them. and they did alot of outdoor activities. Thats the thing that I really want to get into more... outdoor stuff.
Getting around the City was a really great thing. Like I said last night.. I biked around town with my friend.. and it was the first time that I had ever done that.. everyone in that town is on a bike. Being outside and getting exercise. Another place that I wanted to be..
The public transit was another great thing about Portland. getting around when you are not on the bike is really easy too.. and pretty cheap.
Overall.. the trip was exactly what i needed. It answered some questions that i had for myself too. Like i need to slow down with all of these plans that I have. Like I know what needs to be happening. I learned a renewed appreciation for my job. I have always loved my job.. but seeing how many people are out of work up in Oregon... I am SO happy to have a job.. and a job that I love.
So the bottom line is.. that everything is happening just like its supposed to.

What?? And miss all this..

What?? And miss all this..

I just really can't believe how close I did get to losing it all..I
mean at the time I really thought that I had lost everything..so the
next progression, I thought, was death. But now I am so very grateful
to have learned that I truly didn't lose it all.
I still had my life. No matter how bad it got. I was still breathing.
Barely.
Like today for instance...I had a couple of friends that I used to
work with in the City call me at 6am to get my opinion on
something..they were still at the bar. And they knew that the only
sober person that they knew that would be up at 6am (thank you Good
Morning Carmel) was me. At first I was kind of annoyed with the
call...but I thought about it for a minute. I was the only SOBER
person they knew that would be up that early. Yes I am.
Now..I'm waiting for the bus. Watching the leaves begin to change in
the trees of Carmel-by-the-Sea. Feeling the wind gently blow against
my face. Realizing how lucky I am to be alive. And to be surrounded by
the people that I am.

Have you ever had something happen to you that feels so right?? But
you really don't have anything to compare it to..something like this
has never really happened to you before. Buy you know that it's
supposed to be happening. It's happening to me...

Have a beautiful day all.