Whole Hearted.

So this is what I wanted to do with my day. Just take a second and record something that really speaks to my heart. Something that really makes my heart just smile.

I spent the greater part of the day in a doctor's office answering questions and getting tests ran on me. The entire time that I was in the doctor's office I knew that I was going to going downtown and take some pictures of the sunset against the skyline of the City. I had the spot picked out because I had gone there before but did not have my camera to record what I was seeing. I had my phone but it just was not good enough. The picture above was taken without a tripod. I have not idea how I kept the camera still.

I have somethings on the horizon that I have been thinking about for a long time. These feelings of purpose that have been at the back of my mind. They just had not taken form yet. I know that there are big things ahead. I can't tell you about them yet because I have a fear of telling people about my big plans and when I don't follow through people thing that I am just talk.

I am more then just talk. I am going to speak with my whole heart.

Oh.. and if you have not see in this TED talk from Brené Brown you really should. I will talk about it a little bit more in the future.

Thankful

Today I am very thankful for my sobriety... I am so thankful that I am here and that I have the ability to love.... that I have a heart that has the ability to love.

Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.

I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.

I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.

I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.

Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.

Want to Know a Secret.

It;s so very amazing just how my Higher Power works in my life. I can never really get my head around it but I know that it is what is supposed to be happening.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about my early sobriety... and just what it all meant to me. The way that it made me feel and the things that it made me do to keep it. That gift of desperation that I had was the very thing that vivid and sharp for me. For me, now and then, to drink is to die.

I was thinking of ways that I could recapture that urgency that I felt then... but there really wasn't any way to do that short of taking a drink. There was no way that I was going to do that.

Well, my Higher Power just gave me exactly what I wanted... and I didn't have to take a drink.

This works in so many mysterious ways. I can never even begin to grasp what my Higher Power has in store with me. I do know that it is going to be a very wild and interesting ride.  As if it hasn't been already.

Building a Home

You know when sometime you just know. I have known people that told me that you just know when you know. something that just pokes through the fog and is just so obviously to you. Like it was there the whole time.... it just needed time for you to see it.  There were things that just needed to happen for it all to become clear...  time just need to have its way with the whole thing. Now that it has.... it is so much more beautiful then anything than you could of ever imagined.
If you would of been asked to con jour up the whole thing way back when you would of missed the mark by so much.
So I am glad that they time has passed.... and this thing is right in front of me and so right.  Just like it was supposed to be... and thank what ever gods may be that I am here to see it.

No One has the Right.

Ok people.. I have to say that I have not been the biggest Lady Gaga fan in my life... but I do have to say that there is something to be said for artists that use their celebrity for something that is good. I really don't have any patience or tolerance for anyone that bullies someone for the way that they are. When I was in high school I was bullied... but not because I was gay, but because I was small.
I have to admit that when I was in high school I hadn't been exposed to many different people. I was living in a town in Southern California.. and my head hadn't been cracked open by San Francisco yet... I didn't know the difference.. There were a couple of gay kids that were in my high school and they were picked on mercilessly by people in my school. I really wish that when I was younger I would of been one of the people that stuck up for them.
Well... here is a pretty awesome performance by Lady Gaga... she is singing about Jamey Rodemeyer.. a 14 year old that committed suicide after years and years of bullying. Here is a link to a story about Jamey
Good Night everyone...

Apples and Oranges..

It is quite a beautiful day where I am... I have the whole day off and I am really getting alot out of the sun. I had quite the day yesterday. It started out with me being late to work for the first time ever. That was really fun, but hey it was the first time. and it was totally 100% my fault. I totally forgot to check Mr. iPhone before i went to sleep.. i think that my mind was somewhere else... I woke up with plenty of time.. I was going though my morning thing. getting ready to get some coffee and get on the internet machine.. and I got a text from a co-worker... asking me where i was. I am very very appriciative of this friend.. because she saved me from alot of headache.. so that is that. one point.. first one ever. everyone else has them.. and that is going to be my last.. no more assuming my schedule.
work was good.. but I really needed a meeting. and thank God for my Wednesday night mens meeting.. I couldnt wait to get there... and the meeting didnt disappoint. Someone that I really respect was the chair... and I got alot out of it.. exactly what i needed... then at the end. Someone spoke up.. and wanted to let everyone know about something that had happened to his son the night before.. he was found in a ditch, face down, choking on his own vomit... an angel saw all of this from across the street and ran over and turned him over.. saving his life. he went to the hospital.. and had a blood alcohol level of .4. he almost died... and got really scared in the process... the dad went to thank the lady yesterday.. and she had a 4 foot statue of St. Francis in her front yard... and my friend asked me if i would take his son to his first meeting, thats fucking awesome.
i left the meeting feeling full of life and loving this gift called sobriety.. and i was getting worried about a friend of mine. who i hadnt talked to in quite awhile. I needed to check in for me.. and i totally admit that. I need it. I ended up going into "old school richie" mode for a second and took somethings the wrong way. i feel that make progress everyday.. and then sometimes i revert back to old behavior not really meaning too.. until it happens.. i see my part in all of it. I guess i can thank the process of my 4th step for that..
when it is all said and done.. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. i have everything in front of me.. life, friendship, my sobriety, my future...
when i take a step back.. and look at the whole picture. I am quite fortunate for where i am at. even with the ups and downs.. such is life. and i get to be here for all of it.

keeping the faith

I have heard that so many times before....keep the faith Rich...keep the faith. Then today i was really thinking about my faith. the fact that i actually have faith now. I have something to look to when everything around me is getting really tough. Something that I look to no matter what is happening..Something that i can thank when I go to bed sober at night. Something that I can thank when I wake up in the morning and don't have a hangover...when I can remember the events of the night before....and know that I probably won't have to apologize to anyone...
Well.....usually not have to apologize to anyone....
The difference is...i know that there is something there..something that i greater then me. There is no other reason that I am still sober after 301 days...when I couldnt even get 5 together before. There has to be something greater then me. and I feel it when I am going through the day...and I know that there is a plan for me...
A friend of mine today told me that I have a good heart...and for the first time in my life I know that I do.