On the Verge.

I know that I am on the verge of something really big in my life. I mean this is only the start. This year I turn 30 years old.. and almost everyone that I have talked to.. especially the ones that are in recovery.. say that their 30's were the best years of their lives. Im pretty excited to be 3o years old. I know that there are going to be alot of things that are going to change in the next couple of years.. and I can feel that they are only really just beginning..
Im back in San Francisco again.. seeing some old friends. just hanging out really... just watching the evidence of my old life. standing right in front of me.. God I am glad that I am sober.
As for the verge thing... I can feel it. I really can feel it. I have been sober for a year and a half. Another thing that is so amazing to me..
I really like this feeling..

here a little thing that I just found.

So I was looking through some pictures that I had found recently.. and I came across this one. This was right before I went back into the Beacon House. I had just left the hospital... for the second time.

Such is Life

So I went to a show tonight.. one of the first ones that I have ever gone to sober. Well I have been to a few since I stopped drinking. but for some reason this one was really pretty different.
It was in a small club in downtown San Jose that really reminded me of one of the bars that I used to work in. I really liked it... the vibe, the look, pretty much everything. All of the people that were milling around.. with their drinks. One thing that I realized when I was looking around was how there really wasnt anyone that was totally shit-canned.... like i would of been. Actually I wouldnt of even of been at a show.. I would of been as far as I could be away from that large of a group of people.. I remember when I was towards the end of my drinking.. that kind of crowd would of scared the shit out of me.
The show was really good. And I could really see everything.. maybe that was because there was no one tall that was in front of me..
no... it's because I was sober and present to see it. And I was really glad that I was. I told the friend that I was there with... that I think that I could really enjoy live shows... now that I really dont have to preoccupied with the booze.. how much booze do i have.... are there any booze at home... and if i would get back to the hood in time for last call. Who knows... maybe my 30's will be all about live music. such is life

Pulling up.

Its another beautiful day in sobriety.. and I couldnt imagine any other alternative. I often wonder sometimes how I went for so long living in that complete insanity. Living day in and day out in that alcoholic wasteland. Doing the same destructive things over and over again... not really caring about the result. I remember how stupid I used to think people that got sober were. and how they were missing out on their lives.. by not drinking. The same thinking was to haunt me for the beginning of my sobriety. I used to drive by bars and wonder what was going on inside... wondering what I was missing out on. Wanting to be talking to drunk girls... but then I remember that when I was deep in my disease.. I really never wanted to talk to girls. All that I wanted was the booze loving. I could really live without women. there was no booze in them, much live how I could live without water. No booze in water or food.
So I have been on cruise control for the past couple of weeks. I got a new sponsor and am working the steps. and I am going 100% this time. no stopping this time. So I am happy to report that I am seeing some light ahead. I am doing some things for myself lately.. which I have always wanted to do but have never had the drive. Like exercise... and something else really wierd happened to me yesterday. I was in a grocery store and I was looking at some of their prepared foods... and I was wondering how it was made. THAT IS CRAZY. Cooking and the desire to cook have never been with me. But lately i have been thinking about the stuff that I put in my body. I know... I never cared before. but now i do... go figure.
Well everyone. much love form Richie Rich

its Right.

So you know when something happens that you know is right.. but dosent feel good at the moment. Yeah thats what happened to me.. I guess that this is the difference now, being in recovery. Thinking about situations in the grand scheme of things. I used to really just think about how a situation would effect me. and really say fuck you to the rest of the world. Self preservation and protection was the name of the game. I could feel myself sitting back and thinking things out that were said. and i liked the progress that I had made. it seemed like a small thing. but i know.. its not..
Tomorrow i go to the doctor.. it's the first time that I have been to the doctor since I was in a coma over 16 months ago. the first thing that I am going to tell this guy is that I am an alcoholic. See what he says about that.
Much love to everyone. and to that one person in particular.... I am proud of us.

Communication

I know what you are thinking... Communication is the key Rich. It really is... I know, I have heard it so many times in the past. And it is pretty much the biggest thing that is involved with my work. It makes everything easier and it makes for better interactions..
but for some reason it has always been my m.o. to keep the communications to a minimum with it comes to people that I care about. And that is really the time for the greatest level of communication between two people. I get so caught up in my own head that I forget about the outside world.. it was alot worse when I was drinking.
Everything has changed in my life in the last year or so. as you all know... I cant reference myself to what I used to do and how I used to operate in certain situations.. thats not how it works anymore. I know that I can do anything that I want if i put one foot in front of the other...

500.

So today is day 500 in my sobriety.
And all that I can do is smile and be thankful for all of the days that I have had. All of the days that have led me here. All of the people that have been with me. Everyone that has talked me through all of those moments... All of these things, one day at a time.
I was walking out my door this morning, looking at the Monterey Bay, thinking about the last 500 days. I called the water company about our bill... and I thought to myself... wow, you would of never of done that before.. without a few drinks.
It's funny to think of all of the things that I used to have to have booze to do. Just to get out of bed. It was never like that at the beginning.. but it soon got to be that way. Alcohol became a crutch that I could not live without.. that I did not think that I could be without. It really is amazing the beating that the human body can take... and I put my body through hell. At the time I really could care less about what was happening to me. The consumption of alcohol was what I had become.. At the end.. I didnt want to talk to anyone, I didnt want to talk to any girls, I didnt want to watch baseball (God forbid), I didnt want to walk down the street unless it was on the way to a bar.... I didnt want to do anything. All that I really wanted to do was drink, and pass out. It was my way of escaping everything that was going on around me... I hated to word potential, with a passion.. because it was always used in the same sentence as my name. Ususaly the word "wasted" was in there too.... for a couple of reasons. hehe.
I remember thinking when I first got into rehab.. this will all change when the alcohol is out of my system. All of this will be gone. And that was the furthest thing from the truth. The booze were merely a symptom. There was alot more going on inside richie rich.. alot more to deal with. That was when I realized how messed up this disease really was. and when I realized how much work this was going to be... how the work would never ever stop..
And the work will never stop. That has been very evident to me in the last two weeks or so. It can never stop... because I can very easily go back to where i was before all of this..and I never do. So I thank my higher power for 500 days or walking in the sunlight of the spirit...

Life

today it has been quite a bitch. really pretty hard if you do ask me.. I am praying lately.. going to meetings and talking with my sponsor..
but no matter what.. I really do miss her especially much today. and I dont know why. I have no idea what it is that is going to happen.. and i have no control over it.
All that I know is that is.... it is really hard today. and I know that my higher power is right there behind me..

You just have to have it.

Faith that is. You just have to have in when you are in this game. That is what my entire day has been about. Faith that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to . Its when all of my little plans and designs come into play that my whole mind gets all fucked up. I know that I am in the exact place that I am supposed to be. but part of me dosent like that place and thinks thatI have to change it. or do something that will effect that change. but i really have no idea what the fuck is good for me. I have never been good at knowing what was good for me. thats the whole problem.
So I need to remember that what I need to have is faith. Thats what I am trying to do..

Dance like no one's watching

I was just talking to some of my old friends.. Some people that I used to hang out with a long time ago.. when i was out every night in San Francisco.. long before the whole working at a bar thing was going on. This is when I was out dancing my ass off.. at underground parties and little unknown spots. The places that were always at danger of being shut down by the SFPD at any moment. I can remember some of those times when I would just dance like no one was wathcing.. not even giving a fuck. Those were the times when I really fell in love with san Francisco. at those parties in those lofts and warehouses South of Market... I loved being able to help out with everything.. getting everything that I could to help the party go down.. and then get to dance around at the party later that night... i loved that shit.