Time Will Not Pass Me By

There is mad clarity in my life right now...I am able to really
concentrate energy on what life has to offer me. What is being
presented for evaluation...I have the ability to make better decisions
now.
I am so very grateful for the rooms of Alcoholics Annoymous and all of
the people that are in them. The people that have helped me along the
way..they are a large part of where I am today.
I had the chance to chair a meeting tonight..and in that meeting were
alot of the people that have been a major part of my recovery. It
always works like that in this program...the right people always just
SEEM to show up. And I'm so glad it works like that.

One Year...and this is only the beginning.

Measure in Love...

How do you measure a year? What does it all mean when you break it
down...like my sponser said to me once....are you coming from a place
of love or from a place of fear?
Fear was the overriding feature of my life when I was out there. Fear
that masked itself in so many other ways and forms...usually for me it
was rage. Fear unleashed on the people that loved me.
So when I think of how I want to measure my first year...I will
measure it in love. That a concept like love was really a choice when
that choice was opened to me. Seeing things in a new light...and doing
the deal.
People ask me how I have gotten a year....longer then any other period
of soberity in my life. What was my big secret?...they ask.
Do you want it? Or don't you? Because when it all comes down to
it...it's really that simple. Are you willing to do anything to get
out of your situation and change your life? The only thing magical
that I've done is suit up, show up...and do the job set in front of
me. If you want further information on miracles...you can talk to my
higher power. A year ago today I started a journey that would change
everything...and all I had to do was change everything.

The Watch...

Its almost here....

Books.

I really do love this weather that we are having in the Monterey Bay
area....really pretty windy with a slight touch of nasty. Makes me
want to curl up with a good book. And read.
Last night after my young peoples meeting I got to give a friend his
first Big Book. It really brought back alot of memories about how it
felt to get my first Big Book...and what that meant. Really what the
Big Book and this program mean to me....life. Life from Death.
Something beautiful from nothing misrable.
It was such a gift to be able to give someone their first Big Book.
These are the things that I get to do these days. They may be very
small looking ...but they are very heavy feeling.

This really says it all

Good Morning Everyone.

I'm so glad that I got up this morning. It was one of those days that I got up...rolled around a little...and knew deep down that I needed to get to a meeting. And it is always worth the trip on the bus. I guess that I am really spoiled with the home group that I have. It is a group of people with an incredible amount of wisdom and soberity. When they say in the Big Book that we are a group that normally would not mix...they knew what they were writing. If you would of told me one year ago that the home group that I have now would be my home group I would of laughed. But where I am right now...I can't imagine my recovery without them. Every single one of them.
It really reinforces the importance of having a strong group of people that surround you
I love my group.

the Natural Progression...

So....its another big day in my recovery. It looks like Im going to be moving out of my sober living house. Moving to another place that is much closer to my work and alot closer to my meetings...For one of the first times ever it was something that I didnt force. Going into sober living was one of the best decisions that I made in my recovery. Living by the rules and really not fighting it was a crazy notion for me. because it was always really my way or the highway....
I was always shooting for a year....a year into recovery I was going to look for another place. but I wasnt going to push it...I wasnt going to force it. I knew that when i started doing that I was in for a rude awakening....like what had happened to me before...
I feel really good about this decision...moving to the next step. the next level...

all work is good work...

So yesterday I think that I had a breakthrough day...just sitting down and actually doing the work....I have always had trouble with really just sitting down and being able to meditate on anything. I can remember when I heard for the first time that I may have troubles with things like basic motor skills and reading for awhile during the first 16 months or so of recovery...all i could think was...not me. Im going to be different. Im going to be the exception to the rule...
but alas.....i has taken me this long to even be able to comprehend a complete page of reading....or to really concentrate on something. Like my fourth step....
So being able to just sit...stop...and really think..is really a blessing.

my pen is a shovel...

I'm trying to dig a bit deeper. That's what I'm supposed to be doing
right now. That is what's in front of me...
So I guess I've been feeling a little sorry for myself lately.
Thinking about how things should be...in my mind atleast. Like I
really know how things should be for me. I always forget to remember
where I'm at...and where I've come from. But then sometimes I think
way too much about where I've been.
That's a dilemma that I have...one that all my friends out there can
help me with. Not reliving the past...and not shutting the door on it.
Sometimes I think that I rely on the past for strength...maybe it's
all wrapped up in my pride.
So when I feel like this..I know (through work with my sponser) that
footwork will get me out of it. Redirecting me to what I have now...in
the present. So here I go with more footwork.

Affection

I was just thinking about how I really sometimes need outside forces for my own well-being...and i know that probably really doesnt make any sense to anyone but me...just knowing that other people love me is what i mean. and the thing is that I already know this to be true. I am told by so many people all of the time that they love me...that i am an essential part of their lives...
but somewhere deep down inside of me i still need satisfaction....so what ill do is send out random text messages...just to see who loves me...
i know that it sounds stupid...but i think that its been like this for as long as i can remember...just knowing that someone out there loves me...
but the difference now is that I know that I have a higher power out there..that really cares.

Right there

It's just crazy to what lengths I will go these days....I on the way
back from the City again. And I have to take a bus to San jose and
then a train to my final destination..and I guess that it seems like
alot for some people. I guess for me it's just what has to be
done...any lengeths I guess. It's just easier now for me to see a
problem and find out how to address it....and then do it.
I was really lazy...always defaulting to the easiest thing to do.
Drink..get tired...passout. Problem still there..but bigger.
I think I have gained an ability to wrap my head around things a bit
easier now
It just boggles some peoples mind that I do what I have done. It's
just how it goes..how this thing works for me.