Thankful

Today I am very thankful for my sobriety... I am so thankful that I am here and that I have the ability to love.... that I have a heart that has the ability to love.

Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.

I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.

I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.

I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.

Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.

Prayer

The power of prayer has become very evident to me over the past couple of weeks. It was something that I really was not doing before very much on my own. It was only happening when there was some kind of pain that was evident in my life. 

Well lately, like you all know, there has been some pain that has come into my life and I have been moved to start up my praying about it. All that I know is that it is feeling good when I am trying to give up all of this. 

We Go On and On.

Another day... another feeling and another way to cope with it.
I love my friends for taking such good care of me during this time.

I have to try and fill up all of my time because of this whole thing. It seems to me that time alone is my enemy. I have somethings that are in the works that will help me address this.... and hopefully give me a whole new perspective on myself. More to come.

Went to a friend's show at a local bar and have had this song in my head for the last couple of days.
Hope that you all enjoy it. Check out their other stuff too.

I Sit and Marvel

A Day in the Life of a Fire Lookout. from Gary Yost on Vimeo.

Want to Know a Secret.

It;s so very amazing just how my Higher Power works in my life. I can never really get my head around it but I know that it is what is supposed to be happening.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about my early sobriety... and just what it all meant to me. The way that it made me feel and the things that it made me do to keep it. That gift of desperation that I had was the very thing that vivid and sharp for me. For me, now and then, to drink is to die.

I was thinking of ways that I could recapture that urgency that I felt then... but there really wasn't any way to do that short of taking a drink. There was no way that I was going to do that.

Well, my Higher Power just gave me exactly what I wanted... and I didn't have to take a drink.

This works in so many mysterious ways. I can never even begin to grasp what my Higher Power has in store with me. I do know that it is going to be a very wild and interesting ride.  As if it hasn't been already.

Start from the beginning.

So today is where the healing will start from. This is the day.

I am going to have to grieve a bit though... so maybe the healing has not started yet. No matter what I think that today was a very big step for me.

I said goodbye to the person who I was in love with. I am still in love with. It will take me sometime to not be able to say that. This person meant so much to me that everything that I was envisioning for myself in the future revolved around her. That may not be healthy... but it sure is warm and comfortable. I really like the way that it felt too.... Knowing that someone was there for you and had your back.

Well things can change in that way... and when they change, the change can show you what is really important in my life. When all of this came down on my head tonight I started to get text messages from all kinds of friends in my life. That made me feel warm and comfortable in a whole different way.

Someone that I have met and hang out with a couple of times sent me something that really hit me hard... I will share it here.

“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown

It is exactly what I need to hear... and I think this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It is a very uncomfortable place, but it is where my life is taking me. 

So I will go to bed.... very emotionally exhausted and with a throughly broken heart... but knowing that this is what the start looks like. 

Hit Hard

Today I have been hit really hard. There are so many questions that are just riding around in my brains. so many things that I want answered. Even if they were answered I really don't think that it would matter.... but thats what I want.
Today was the first time that I really cried about the whole thing. You would think that I would of cried when it was happening... but I think that I was more in disbelief. It had come out of no where and I had no idea that it was coming.
I feel like I am going crazy, I have to remember that I have to breathe.

When I was drinking, there were somethings that would really scare me. They would scare me half to death... and it was a reason that I would drink more.
One thing that really scared me was time, and the other was sleep.
Time scared me because it was all that I had and I hated being alone with it. So I drank and then I would pass out and that would help me waste time.
The second is sleep... or really the lack thereof. I used to hate that I would not be able to fall asleep. I would have to drink so that I would pass out.

Some of those same fears have come back to haunt me right now.

One thing that I keep thinking about is the commitment of the whole thing. You choose the words that you speak. You choose the things that you are going to say to someone else... and those are the words that are part of how they will feel.
All of a sudden, those words just don' mean anything anymore. Like they never did.

Thats how I feel right now. I am calming down a little. I have to go to a meeting tonight.... or I think I might explode.

The End of Day One. Back to Basics

Its so crazy to me how when I am comfortable and things are all good I really drift away from the program. I guess that I think that I have something to substitute for it. When the going gets tough and I really need it, it's there.
I know that when all else fails I have my program as my foundation. I went to a meeting tonight and heard from some people who were going through some similar situations as I am. they may neot be the exact situations, but they involve the same feelings. Its always great to get another perspective on things.
Someone said to me, "Do something for yourself." The really funny thing is I have that tattooed on my arm. It was something that a very good, old friend and I have tattooed on ourselves. Today I went and did a little retail therapy, and bought a new hat. It is something that I like to do to make myself feel better.
I have no idea what is going to happen with this whole thing. I don't know where it is going to end up, but I know that I am going to get there.

Day One. Start Your Clocks.

So today is day one of my life without her.... and the day has started off really pretty crappy. Last night I was feeling pretty motivated about what was going on with my life. I was looking at it as something positive that I could build on.
Today has started and it is a much different story. Its like when you get kicked in the balls, and you feel fine for about 30 seconds... and you think, this isnt that bad. Then it really hits you and you are on the floor. Thats how I feel right now.
I just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. That is really a lot easier to say then do today because I really feel as though my trust was betrayed. I feel like I have been taken to the cleaners with this whole thing.

Last night, well early morning.... I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was having dreams, but I would wake up in the middle of them and then not be able to go back to sleep for a while.
I know that this is supposed to get better with time... but this is day one, and it really sucks.

Punched in the Gut.

Wow. Have you ever just felt like you have been punched in the gut. Not by a fist.... but by another persons actions. Well.... that is what has just happened to me. Someone that I though that I was going to build a life with has just broken my heart. This just happened, just about 20 minutes ago. So this is all still pretty raw.
Thank God that I have my recovery and sobriety. Thats all that I can think of right now. Lessons that I have learned in the rooms are coursing through my brain right now. I can just see peoples faces and hear other peoples words right now. It almost like when people that are in the military say that their training just kicks in... and they are on auto pilot. Thats how I feel right now. Auto-pilot.

I know from what  have learned in recovery.. that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know why I am here... but I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and it sucks. I know that my higher power has a plan for me... and that plan is way better then anything that I could of designed.

One thing that I have learned, just in the last couple of minutes is that I will try not to rest on my laurels with the next person who gets my heart. I will not just sit by and think that everything is alright... when there may be some communication that is necessary.

I know that I am going to feel the range of emotions over the next couple of weeks... and I know that I will be writing them down here. It is the one place that I have always been able to express myself... and air out my feelings.
One thing that is really amazing to me is how tired that I have gotten... just over the past couple of minutes. It really takes a toll on me.... I will talk to you all soon.. stay tuned.