A new year

And a very happy night it is...a new year is just hours away. And I am
alive and very well. Being alive has taken on a whole new meaning this
past year. This past year almost wasn't...it almost never happened for
me. This time last year...as 2007 was coming to a close, I was
watching the ball drop in Times Square from a hospital bed. Looking up
at a television screen wishing that I was at home in San
Francisco...with all of my friends. Ringing in the new year just like
I had so many times before. With a steady stream of booze-lovin...
My life as I knew it had come to a grinding halt in mid december...my
body said no more. So the first choice of my new year was to go to
treatment..a choice that would save and change my life in one fail
swoop...
I entered treatment and started to learn more about the disease that I
had. Alcoholism...and the power that it held over me. 28 days later I
popped out of rehab cured of my afflicition...or so I thought. I was
ready to go back home....and change my life without really changing
anything at all. And in the business that I am in it doesn't really
work like that.
Two weeks later...my disease reminded me of how much power I really
had over it.
This time...I removed my face from the dirt and set out to do it
different this time. I changed it all...I moved out of the City of my
heart...and I started on a new path. A path of recovery...that would
open my eyes to a whole new world around me. A world that I didn't
think would ever be possible for me...a life without alcohol.
This year has been the hardest...and the greatest year I have ever
had. There has been alot of crying, laughing, wondering, hoping,
praying,listening...and most of all learning this year.
One treatment center..one sober living house...one shitty jobs to
start it...one amazing job to finish it...two cities...lots of socks,
Paticence, and toothpaste...one fucking amazing home group...twelve
amazing steps...one life changing program...and a higher power.
For the first time in my life I'm going into a new year with
hope...and optimism. I have both eyes open. Putting one foot in front
of the other. 2009 is going to be a good year.

The best we can

For the first time ever I can truely say that I'm doing the best that
I can...with all that's happened in my head and heart. I can say it
with a straight face...

the nature of our business

Its just the way that things happen around us alcoholics and addicts. People that we are close to and that mean the world to us in our recovery go out. I know that I talk about this alot in my blog. but it is one of those constants..something that always happens. It just reminds me how this thing works...and how so very close i am to the thing that wants to kill me...
I seemed to have reached a turning point when it comes to people around me going out...I really used to take it personally...like it was something that i did. Or that I do enough to prevent it...Now im just really happy when the person that goes out comes back in out of the cold....I mean thats all that really matters when it all comes down to it...because that small time out could be the time that kills you..
So now...Im just glad that these people are back...some are back with a whole new lease on life. because they see, like i did, that they really arent missing that much out there...

Home again..home again...

When I come home...back to Ventura I mean. I really remember where it
is that I came from. I mean the real roots of my life. Looking back on
it with some perspective I realize that I really had an alright
upbringing...I actually had a great upbringing.
It's so sureal to come back here a year later...after all that has
happened in the last year. The hardest and greatest year that I have
ever had. To come back here sober and to fellowship with other people
in recovery in my hometown. And there are many...
I went to two really great young peoples meetings while I was
here..they were both small, but they we both exactly where I was
supposed to be. Around people who were dealing with the same things in
recovery that I was. Young people who are as down for their recovery
as I am. It's just so fucking good to be sober. It's so good to be
able to look at an upcoming year with optimism...and not the same
false hope...that something was going to be different this year.
Somehow things would change and I would have nothing to do with it. It
would just happen...and I could keep doing the same old things as
before.
I know better then then that now. Things have changed...and it's has
nothing to do with me. It's all because of my higher power.

The jumping off point...

That's what it's called in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anoymous...the
jumping off place.
Someday he will be able to imagine his life niether with or without
alcohol. That's where I was a year ago....
Exactly one year ago I was on my way to the emergency room...with all
of my denial completely shattered. I was at the most lonely place a
person can be. Completely scared..not knowing how to make it all just
stop...
Not knowing what the next step was to be.
I would wake up a couple of days later...not knowing where I was. Not
knowing what had happened. All that I knew was that the gig was up.
And I was beaten by alcohol.
All that I really wanted was just to get right and I would be good.
Back up on my feet...right back behind the bar..in the middle of the
party that I had created. The party that nearly killed me.
I am glad that it took what it took to get me to the jumping off
point. Because it got me here...one year later.

She is very happy that I am sober

I can see the look on her face looking down at me.
Probably laughing..

Just passed by this..

I was just walking to work. And I saw this...and I thought it might
mean something. Seems like god has been putting alot of signs in my
path. Any thoughts??

keeping the faith

I have heard that so many times before....keep the faith Rich...keep the faith. Then today i was really thinking about my faith. the fact that i actually have faith now. I have something to look to when everything around me is getting really tough. Something that I look to no matter what is happening..Something that i can thank when I go to bed sober at night. Something that I can thank when I wake up in the morning and don't have a hangover...when I can remember the events of the night before....and know that I probably won't have to apologize to anyone...
Well.....usually not have to apologize to anyone....
The difference is...i know that there is something there..something that i greater then me. There is no other reason that I am still sober after 301 days...when I couldnt even get 5 together before. There has to be something greater then me. and I feel it when I am going through the day...and I know that there is a plan for me...
A friend of mine today told me that I have a good heart...and for the first time in my life I know that I do.

Dramatics

Do you ever feel that you are being overly dramatic?? Or do you feel
that's just how it is in early soberity...?
I mean..I've let go completely of everything that I had.
Which..,looking back on it really wasn't that much.
I just feel that sometimes people may think that I'm being
dramatic...but then I ask myself why I really care what they think.
This is my fucking journey. My decisions...and this is the way that I
feel.
So when I think about it..I realize that I just have to have faith.
Because I have been told that faith is the opposite of fear. I really
think that all this is....fear.

This just says it all

Save some for later....

Sometimes I feel blue. And I am very aware of it. But it really used
to break me. Right in half...and I didn't know how to deal with it. I
knew how to crash and burn. In a bright, brilliant ball of flame. And
how romantic I used to make it all seem. Like it was going to somehow
make me feel better. Only if just for a second. But there was nothing
else behind it. Nothing new to back up my play.
Aleast now there is some hope. Walking to the bus tonight...feeling
kind of blue. But I just have to think about how this feeling used to
just sit on top of me. Like a really heavy wet blanket. And how there
is always tomorrow... And how that makes all of the difference in the
world.

The footwork.

God...show me what you want me to see.
That is my prayer to my higher power everytime that I sit down to work
on my 4th step. Something that would of never of imagined that I would
of ever of done before. I can recall thinking a while ago...How the
hell am I going to turn this thing around. After all of the really
messed up stuff that
I had done. Where was the path that I was to follow to fix all of
this. And I really hope that this shining path is easy. I really like
easy.
But I have found out that it's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed
to be work. And I am inheirently really fucking lazy. I want it given
to me on the silver platter.
It's not going to happen this time. I have to do the footwork if I
want this to work...and it is working.
Sometimes quickly....sometimes slowly.

Hope...

Now that I think about it...I never really even thought of the concept of the word hope...it really is such a great word. It is something that I now have a little more understanding of...hope...
Looking at the future....differently. Like there is something to look at now. Something to look forward to...like there is something to feel good about. Everything just seems different....much brighter...
I

Funky...

Wow..have you ever just had one of those days. Where nothing seems to go right...
Thats the kind of day that I am having to today...i have this lump in my stomach. like one that feels like impending doom. even thought that it may be for the best. It just sits there...and it swims around in my head.
Its a whole lot better now then it would of been back then. If this happened last year I don't know what i would be doing...probably drinking. and being really loud...
Nowadays I talk about it...not so loudly. I just let it out there

it all can change...

So yesterday I had one of my most beautiful moments in my sobriety thus far. I am helping a very dear friend of my find the gift that I have been given...I am able to share the things that i have experienced in my life. I just remember how I thought that there were so many things that were impossible. so many goals that i knew i wouldn't be able to achieve because of all of these doors that i thought that i could never open. All that it really took was a leap of faith...probably the biggest decision that i ever made in my life...
My friend last night went to her very first AA meeting. and she almost didn't go.....but she did. She took a leap of faith...and made the biggest decision in her young life.
Talking to another friend of mine last night we couldn't help but talk about all of the cool shit that is happening because of sobriety...all of the doors that have been opened, or kinda cracked open, or have the potential to be opened...just because we made that decision..or the decision made me.
In any case...I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face last night..and still cant for that matter...because things are going to change for her. If she wants them too...

Sugar coating.

Sometimes I forget that I'm talking to normal people...you know..non
alcoholics. They want to know what I'm up to and what I've been through.
I correct myself...these people may be "heavy drinkers".
So I go in to what my last year has been like. You know..it's been
pretty eventful..
I can't help but tell it like it is. The non sugar-coated version. I
forget that these people may have never heard just how bad it can get.
They have their view of drinking. And I have the reality of mine..
And sometimes they tell me that they didn't mean to get so
personal..and I just think I'm being honest.
I guess I'm where the rubber meets the road for some. I'm happy to be
that example of how bad it can get..and how all that shit can change.

just keep swimming.....just keep swimming...

there are many things that i have learned in the last couple of months..i think the most important thing that i have come across is from "Finding Nemo"....when Dori says...Just keep swimming..Just keep swimming..
Thats all that i can really do no matter what situation i am in. i could of never of imagined thinking that way over a year ago. back then it really was my way or the high way...thats the only way that i knew..
That was the way that i problem solved...now i just really have to sit and see what happenens..
There are some things that so very important to me...and at the top of that list is my soberity..if i dont have that, i dont have anything...
All i can do is....just keep swimming.

Let it all play out...

I remember being asked what my intentions were before I entered into
all of this. Finding a person that I really finally connected with on
such a different deeper level. I knew not what my intentions were..all
that I knew was that they were not bad. Becoming so close to someone
that you wished you could be around them more then you were.
But somethings aren't supposed to happen. But I know now that there is
plan. And I really have no say in it.

Words from the very start

So are somethings that I wrote when I got sober....the aftermath of the relapse...
Its crazy to read...where i am at now...over nine months later