Being Uncomfortable.

Have you ever been really really uncomfortable.? and with all of that came alot of fear. the fear of having to step outside of all of the comfort and outside of everything that makes your warm.
Especially coming from my perspective, a recovering alcoholic, the warmth and comfort is what I have come to rely on as a harbor in the storm.
Of course I retreat into what is sure, what I have built up around me in the last year and half. the reconstruction of my life that has been undertaken. sometimes I catch myself thinking about the destination.. and failing to see that the journey is what it is all about. I always have my level of comfort.. I never really thought of getting outside that comfort level.
but I heard something really good.. When you are uncomfortable, you are growing. I have been experiencing that alot today, and I am really liking it. Embracing the uncomfortable , knowing that it is what is moving me forward... trying to see the fear. and being aware of it.

next.

It has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks that is really what I live for.. now. It is a week of ups and of downs. Of my heart pulling me one way and then pulling me the other. that is what life is.. for me. Just watching the time go by.. and really loving what I see. I know that there are some really big things that are in front of me. Some very very bright things that are on the horizon..
I really can't wait to go see a couple of friends of mine in Portland in the middle of next month. Its something that I am really looking forward too.. I really never had anything to look forward to in the past.. other then going to SF to see the people that I care about. That really dosent happen that often anymore. Things have changed.. and I am changing with them, I guess. I do miss the old times. But i know that what is happening now is what is supposed to be happening. I am just looking forward to whats ahead. and thats a good way to feel.

What it Really means.

I have had the best past couple of days.. I have been working alot and that is a very good thing to me.. because I love my job. I had been planning on seeing an old friend in San Francisco for a long time. She is visiting from New York City and we havent see each other in over 2 years. Alot has changed in both of our lives for sure.

Another big part of my plan was to stay with tow people that I absolutly love. They are a married couple that I have been friends with for a long time. I consider one of these people my sister, because really thats how close that we are. It was going to be a really good time spent with people that I love and respect.

It turned out to be much more then that for myself and for my friends because there was alot of talking of big things between us. The concept of relationships in life was the main theme of the whole trip for me. High Quality relationships I have found are the foundation of everything really. These few highly valued friends are what makes life what it is.

Its something that has changed alot of things for me.

Good Morning Clement Street

It's a beautiful foggy morning in my old hood. It's good to be alive
and it's good to be sober.

Perfect

Busy Busy

deserving it.

Do you have a person in your life that only deserves the very very best? Someone that has done nothing to hurt you ever. Someone that has really only wanted the best for you. and really the only thing that you have done is to shit on them. I have a couple of people in my life that fall into that category.
I can honestly say now that there was a time when I really could care less about people and how they felt in the long fun. There feelings were not really on my mind.
I have been able to do some things for some people that i really love to try to make up for what i did to them. Somethings that I had the ability to do. It feels good to be able to do things for other people and not expect things back in return. Those feelings of emptyness have been replaced with a feeling of warmth. I love to see people that I can about happy.
When I see people smile, it really makes me smile now.... and I like that.

Damn Cool Kids.

One Track

Today is a day that started off innocent enough. Really just like the
ones that have come before it. I have been doing a new routine for me
over the past week or so. It's really all about finishing things. I
think that the seed was really planted while I was in treatment...
Doing what needed to be done over the short term. Like making your bed
everyday.. Doing the dishes.. Washing your face and your hands. I
remember how stupid I thought that these things were at the time. But
I can see how they have made a print on my life.
So the day is good. I feel like I am moving forward, like this is the
way that it's supposed to be happening. I see the overall picture. And
what ever is supposed to happen will happen. No matter what it
invloves. I am sure of one thing. That I am alright. And that I am
exactly where I am supposed to be.

Its's a Sunday Sort of Thing.....

I really dont know why... but I always really like getting up and going to work on Sunday. Tonight is really no different.. Im pretty happy with where I am at right now. I just got back from a meeting.... it was one of those times when I really didn't want to go to a meeting... I drove around the parking lot a couple of times.. had the excuse in my head that there were no parking spots and that I could go home and get on my computer... Then I remembered that this is when I really needed a meeting. I mean really need a meeting. The only person that I was hurting was myself...
So I went. I could feel myself getting kinda annoyed during the meeting.. Its really just with this one person. So I know that I have to write about that person... and do some work around them. I was reading in the Big Book today... about resentment being the number one killer of the alcoholic. I have been going on long enough with all of this inside me.. so today I started putting pen to paper.. and doing work.
It is all out there in front of me... All of it. I just have to do the footwork..

Responsible.. it's something new..

So I have been riding this wave of badness for the past couple of days.. and I did't want to tell you guys about it. until it was done. It was something that was really personal and I just couldnt put it down on this page. Even thought I know that this a great place to get all of those feelings out.. but this was some crazy shit..
I got tested for HIV last week.. and all of the other STD's. I was supposed to go to the doctor on Tuesday to get the results... ot actually for him to talk to me about the results. Today is Tuesday... so next fucking tuesday. This has been rattling around in my brain for the past week. I have never been tested before. and that is a really bad thing... I really did not care about getting tested before because I could really give a rat's ass.. there was so much fear surrounding it that all that I had to do to get rid of it was drink. and thats what i did. I would always just drink.. and that would fix that.
But I did it... with some pushing along by someone that i love and care about. Thanks to that person... she know who she is.
I was really having trouble doing anything really... My head was really taking me into some really messed up places. My motivation level was way low.. I didnt care about what was going on around me. I really really tried just giving it up.. and that worked.. until i thought about it again. I talked to my sponsor about it.. and I prayed about it...
Then today.. I just thought to myself... why the hell do i have to drive 30 minutes to get there results next week... I sould be able to call and get them right now... so i did.. and they said that i was clean.
Wow.. it was a total relief. just to think about how far my mind did go....but all of thats over now..

I was talking to my sister... and she noted that she would get into that place as a defense mechanism. Thats exactly what it is...

I really like Sleep

Right before I go to bed.. and lay my head down to sleep. I have to remember how scary this whole prospect used to be to me. How much I dreaded sleeping... or trying to sleep. Really because I never really did sleep.. I just passed out. Then I would have really scary dreams... that I would not remember. But if I ever did wake up... I would have to take a couple of drinks to get back to sleep..
Im so glad that I can just lay my head down and sleep now...
Good Night everyone...

Just don't drink... no matter what.

I remember when that statement was the last thing that I ever wanted to think about. There was not way that I would ever not drink. It was how I dealt with everything. Don't worry everybody... I'm not thinking about drinking. I was just thinking about the tools that I have been given with this program. I wonder how people that do not have AA go about their daily lives without going crazy.. All of the everyday things that come up for me are meet with what i have learned from other people that have come before me in AA.
I think the most important thing that I have learned from this one and half year journey is honesty. I think that I used to lie more then I told the truth... I think that everything that came out of my mouth was a lie.. I didnt even know what was the truth.. The whole path of rigorous honesty was a very new and foreign thing to me. and I thought that I was never going to be able to go through with it. but I have... I am trying to tell people exactly how I feel and exactly how things are effecting me.. I have never really thought about other people when I was in my disease... It was really all about me. I am having a great time checking my ego at the door. That is what the master plan of all of this is for me..

Plans...

I have some plans.. that I have just made. I know that Im not really supposed to have plans.. but these ones are really good ones. I have made plans to go to Portland, Oregon. Im going to go there to see a really great friend of mine... one that I havent seen since Ive been sober. One that I knew from the bar that I used to work at...
Its something that I can look forward to.. something in the future that I can see.. Its a really good step for me. I had to save some money... but thats what has to happen. I know that everything is going to be alright. So I will keep you all informed about the trip... and I will take lots of pictures. but dont worry... Im not leaving until mid September. Plenty of time..

Oh How Soon I Forget..

It really does happen to an alcoholic insane person like myself. I sometimes forget where it is that I came from.. what I have gone through.... and what I did to get here. Wow... how soon I do forget what is important to me.
Tonight.. I went to a really great meeting. One that I had heard about from alot of my friends in the program. but had never been to. When I went into the room.... there were alot of familiar faces in the room. People that were like signposts in my recovery. One of the first people that I had seen when I went into my recovery house.. one of the people that I had lived with when I was in my sober living house... it was really great.
I ended up chairing the meeting. And it was exactly what i needed. I needed a reminder... the reason why i was here. and the reason that I have what I have. God... and the Program.

Trust.

I have to remember that I have to trust. Trust in the process. and Trust in my higher power.

The Ice Cream Cone..

So I have this recurring thought that I have had since I was really young. It must have happened a LONG time ago.. It was when I was with my family in Maine. We used to vacation there almost every year.. during the summer. I can remember holding on to an ice cream cone... down by the town pier. I can remember that the cone was that vanilla swirl soft serve stuff that is always really good... The kind of stuff that I love now (thanks sobriety) I can also recall that the cone was dipped in cherry or strawberry hard coating stuff.
The next thing that I can remember about it was crying... and feeling sorry for myself. I dont know if the ice cream fell. or what happened to me.. all that I can remember is crying. And this over welming feeling of self pity...
Its crazy the memories that you can recall.. even after all of these years later. It makes you think what they all really mean.. what is their place in the grand scheme of things..

It's OK everyone. There is a plan.

Good Day all. Just wanted to say hello to all of you on this beautiful day. I hope that it's beautiful where ever you are... I just came off of two days off. Which was a very very nice thing. I really loved every minute of it... But with two days off.... means about 7 days on. And that is where I am right now... and I can tell you right now that I am pretty happy to have a job that I really love. becuase that is such a reason for where I am at right now. I cant even imagine having a shitty job. One that I really hated to go to everyday. That would be torture. I see some people around me that really hate their jobs.. but they are doing what they have to do to get by... and thats just the way that it is..
well everyone.. till next time. and it will be later this week