You Can Only Live Your Life

I don't even know how I feel right now. Well maybe I do.

Something happened to me a couple of days ago that really disappointed me. It has something that has given me the same reaction almost every single time that I hear it happen. I have heard it so many times since I got sober and I expect to hear it so many times more... but it always sucks when I do hear it.

I am talking about when someone that you love and care about says that they have had a drink. People that are in recovery know what this feels like. When someone says that to you it is almost a shot to your heart.

It always has the same basic feeling to me. There is the initial shock to the system. There used to be some resentment that would creep in there.... and then there was the jealousy that would come.

I just had someone who was very close to me to me that they had been drinking. I was pretty shocked even though I knew that it was very possible with this person. It still sucks though. I knew that there was pretty much nothing that I could do about it either. People have to live their own lives and can only use me to give them advice or let them know about my experience. I can't live their lives for them. This has taken me a long time to realize.

My sobriety date is coming up pretty soon. It is something that is so sacred to me. I will never let anyone or anything take that away from me.

I just have to be there for those people that chose a different path then me. That is all that i can do. I will happily do that for this person. I will be there for them. If they need me.

Ups and Downs

So today has been a whole bunch of ups and downs.... one moment after the next.

The downs have been tempered by talking to close friends of mine about what is happening to me. Thats the way that it is supposed to go though. That is what I have learned through almost 6 years of recovery. It still really sucks though because I hate feeling like this.

The ups have been nice though even though there has not been that many of them. I know that will changed as time goes by. I hate knowing that is true though... that things will get better as time goes by. I know if for a fact because of how many times that I have been through this before.

I am really thankful that I have to work right now... working has been a savior for me because it keeps my mind occupied... and it means that I am with a group of people that cares about me.

Its the little things. Still really sucks though. The future will work itself out.

The Society of the Second Chance.... 2.0

There has been a lot of things that have happened in the last week that I feel that I have to talk about. I was just thinking about this as I was talking to a very good friend of mine.... I have evolved and so should this blog. My recovery is my life.... but it has brought me so much more now. I want to share that with the world and I think that sometimes I forget that and let fear just take over everything that I do. So here we go...The Society of the Second Chance 2.0.

Above is my very latest shot. I have not even put it on my photography site yet. So you are really the first people to see it. I am a big fan of the over saturation of the colors because it emphasizes my favorite parts of my City... the night and the lights.

This last month has been one of the hardest and most personally fulfilling months that I have ever had in my life. I lost a relationship but I did not lose a friend and that is the first time that has ever happened to me. Usually I am the one that cuts the other person off and just walks on hoping that I do not run into that person for the next year or so..... but this one was different and I am so glad to still have that person in my life..

Usually the month after a relationship ending for me are what I call "Throwaway Months".... because I just go into a place where I will do anything to make myself happy and feel better for that month. Usually what that means is just spending a lot of money on myself and hoping that it will make things better. The month of September was something of that for me... but I went back to what worked for me after the end of my last relationship... and that was concentrating on the health of my mind and body.

I started to work with my trainer again... something that i had stopped doing over the past couple of months....  here is a link to his site.  His name is Tim and he is a bad ass.. yes a bad ass in that he is a martial arts instructor but more so he is a really great person with great energy and that is why I was drawn to him... Peace of Mind SF

I also started doing something else that has had a profound impact on my life in just the last week.... I started going to yoga sessions at Yoga to the People in Berkeley and San Francisco. I have been told by people in recovery and by people that I love and respect that I would flourish with yoga as part of my spiritual practice.... and they were right.  I worked through the fear and just did it and it has changed me. I knew that it would it was just a matter of me walking through it. Once I worked past the fact that I really didn't give a shit about what people thought of me and what i looked like.. I was good to go.

I am getting way to old to care what others think about me... and I think that this break up has really solidified that in me.

Yoga to the People is really great because I do not get the feeling in there that anyone is judging me or that I should be doing something different. Every teacher that I have had over the past week really makes it a point to make sure that everyone feels comfortable in whatever they are doing. No matter what level of experience anyone has... they just want to make sure that everyone is safe.

Check this video out from Yoga to the People... they turned off embedding... so you have to go to YouTube to watch it.



I have also been back in contact with someone who means the world to me. She is someone who i first me while I was in treatment. We meet as she was coming in... and I had about 3 days of sobriety. So glad that we have gotten back into each others lives. We never really went anywhere I just think that it took time and circumstances for us to get back in touch. Thanks to her for lighting a fire underneath me to get back at this blog... something that i have been thinking of for the past couple of weeks.

Well... there you have it. That has been what I have thinking about over the past week. In the next couple of days I will post about A Day in the Life of me right now..... I think that it would be interesting and be pretty good therapy for me too.

My Friend Tim.

What a day today has been....
Today I lost a very good friend. Someone that was very close to me even though I only knew this person for about 8 years. I guess that is a pretty good amount of time now that i think about it....
Really, its not about the amount of time that you know someone but the impact that they have on your life....
This person had an impact on my life. He was one of those people that always made you smile when you saw him. He was one of those people that was living life with zest... When I saw how he was doing it I wanted to emulate that. I wanted to strive towards that.
That is how I am living everyday of my life.. With my friend Tim as the example.... even when he was not in the best mood he was always open to talk to me about it. This was the kind of person that Tim was..
We lost a really good friend today... Someone that I will never forget... my heart never forgets someone like Tim.

Rest in Peace my friend... you are at peace now and you are looking down on us laughing... with that big smile on your face.

Friends for Life

Today is going to be a good day. I am going to hang out with my friend Joe. We have known each other since high school and I am really excited to see him. Do you have one of those friends that you know that you will be in touch with for the rest of your life? When you do see each other it is like no time has gone by since your last meeting. That's the way that it is with us and I really don't have too many people that I can say that about.
He just we around the world and did a whole a lot of good for a lot of different people. Here is a link to his blog about the entire trip.
http://joewishon.theworldrace.org

Its going to be a good day to just catch up with him and talk about what he has gone through.

I have a whole lot of respect for him for the decisions that he has made. Doing things based on heart and not the pocket book. I am trying to move closer to that and I think that I have made a whole lot of progress.

Here is a song that has hit me right between the eyes and I wanted to share it with all of you. It's another one from Moonlit Sailor. Enjoy.

These Are The Time

These are the times. The times that I remember how it used to be and I am very thankful for what I have. I am so glad that I have learned the importance of gratitude in my life. It is the foundation for so much of the way that I see things. I can look at something and almost all of the time I can see the positive side in it. I guess that I can see the glass half full.
Right now it is Christmas Eve and I am all alone in my room. Just thinking about all of the gratitude that I have for my life right now. Earlier I was feeling myself slip right into a bad place but I was able to get myself out of it. It is getting easier to do that as time has gone by since my break up.

Sometimes I think that I might just be being way to public about the way that I am dealing with the whole situation. Really, I think that is the right way for me. Sometimes I feel that nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan about it anymore.... but my friends are more then that. They are there for me through thick and thin... or atleast most of them are.

These are the times that I remember and am grateful for my friends and my family. Well... it's time to start my second movie of the evening. It's called Polar Express and I have heard that it is a great holiday movie.
Merry Christmas to all of those that are reading this.... and to all of those out there that are still suffering... I offer my love and prayers for you. I hope to see you soon and share some of my hope with you.