Day 2192

I just sat here and really thought about what it really means to me. I can not help but just well up with tears.

2192 days of continuous sobriety.... is 6 years. Today is a very important day because it celebrates the day that I was brought back from the dead. It celebrates the day that my entire life changed and an entire new world opened right in front of me.

I was thinking about it earlier today and talking to a friend about how I really didn't think that 6 years was that big of a deal. I was thinking back on my 4th sobriety birthday and how I really didn't think that it was that special. I was looking forward to my 5 year birthday that would come the year after. That was a really big one.... but every single on of them are big.  Every single second of every single day is nothing short of a miracle.

Right now I am just filling up with a whole bunch of different feelings... but the word that keeps coming into my head is gratitude. I feel so much gratitude right now.. for so many different things. Gratitude was something that I don't think that I ever really knew the true meaning of before I started this journey 6 years ago. Now it is something that is so ingrained in me that I know that I cannot live without it.

So many different things have crossed my way in the last 6 years that have guided me along this path. Thats the way that this thing works. The people and the places that dictate your path . All of the faces and phrases that filled the Carriage House at the Beacon House.. and the Fellowship Hall in Downtown Monterey.... and to the Vista Lobos room in Carmel will always guide me wherever I go.

I never would have imagined that I would get sober... it a 7am meeting in Carmel, California. I would be at that meeting... everyday at 7am..... because that was what was suggested. Good Morning never felt so good as it did in Carmel.

All that I knew was that I was willing to do anything to not feel the way that I was feeling. I wanted to not feel like I wanted to die.. all the time. I had no idea what was happening and I didn't know what to do. I was so very scared and the only way that I could picture relief was through my own death. I knew that I really didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I knew that there was something more for me then wasting my life away in 6 am bars and dirty gutters. I was 28 years old.. and I was not done yet.

Recovery is the most amazing thing on the planet. Really it is. There is nothing that is more powerful then someone admitting that they need help and reaching their hand out for that help. There is something so amazing about the people who reach out their own hand to hold on to those people. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about it. There is nothing more powerful on this earth... then one booze hound alcoholic all-star reaching his or her hand out to another who knows EXACTLY what that person is going through.

I didn't want anyones help when I was in that spot... but that all changed when I was forced into that position. When I almost met my maker... a weeee bit too early. I was brought to my knees and I had to make a pretty simple choice. Do you want to live or die, Rich.. black or white. I would try to do all that I could do to try to figure my way out of it without having to make the choice. There must be someway that I can keep doing this. Can't I just dry out?... and maybe just drink wine on the weekends?

I tried a little research... I relapsed and was right back where I started.  That is what it took to make me truly admit to my innermost self... that I was an alcoholic. I was one of those people that booze just did not get along with. I had lost the privilege to drink like a gentleman.

I came back to the peninsula and knew what I had to do. It was really pretty easy. There were a lot of people who had done it before. They knew what they were doing. I had not idea what the hell that I was doing... so I just did what they did. This is how the program works. Its really not rocket science. The program was designed so that any old drunk could make the easy decision of a spiritual life over an agonizing alcoholic death.

I am really glad that I made that decision... or that the decision was made for me and that decision stuck. I cant imagine where I would be if I did not walk into Dana's office at the Beacon House.. at 8:30am... on February 26th of 2008.That is why this post will be published exactly 6 years to the day.

Death would have taken me... and I would have never have been given the opportunity to share my experiences with you in this blog.

My name is Richie... and I am a grateful, bright, sparkly, joyful alcoholic.

You Can Only Live Your Life

I don't even know how I feel right now. Well maybe I do.

Something happened to me a couple of days ago that really disappointed me. It has something that has given me the same reaction almost every single time that I hear it happen. I have heard it so many times since I got sober and I expect to hear it so many times more... but it always sucks when I do hear it.

I am talking about when someone that you love and care about says that they have had a drink. People that are in recovery know what this feels like. When someone says that to you it is almost a shot to your heart.

It always has the same basic feeling to me. There is the initial shock to the system. There used to be some resentment that would creep in there.... and then there was the jealousy that would come.

I just had someone who was very close to me to me that they had been drinking. I was pretty shocked even though I knew that it was very possible with this person. It still sucks though. I knew that there was pretty much nothing that I could do about it either. People have to live their own lives and can only use me to give them advice or let them know about my experience. I can't live their lives for them. This has taken me a long time to realize.

My sobriety date is coming up pretty soon. It is something that is so sacred to me. I will never let anyone or anything take that away from me.

I just have to be there for those people that chose a different path then me. That is all that i can do. I will happily do that for this person. I will be there for them. If they need me.

Life as I know it

There are a lot of things that are happening to me right now. Pretty much everything that is happening is a good thing.  These are things that I am ready for.. parts of my life that are ready for a change. A good friend of mine said it pretty well.. that i am in transformation.

I can feel that I am breaking out of something that i have been in for the past couple of years. We will see what happens... but i can feel that there are very good things that are happening to me.

I feel that when I surround myself with amazing like-minded people that only good things can happen.... or at least productive things can happen.

Exciting times my friends.. exciting times.

Shooting Pictures

As you can see I have been shooting a lot more pictures lately.

I know that it is the best thing for me. It always seems that when life is a bit more raw I seem to be more into expressing myself through photography.

Here are a couple more that I took. I have been editing shots that were already on my memory cards that I just had not gotten to yet.

Night Time.. its my time

Hard Mornings

Everytime that I wake up I think of her.

No matter what I do I will wake up with the taught of her and it makes me really sad. I know that I will pull out of it and by the time that I am ready to go to sleep I have been in a much better place for almost the whole day.

Usually after I write something down and then really think about it I start moving in the right direction. I woke up with a headache this morning.. for no apparent reason at all. I hate it when that happens.

I don't remember if I had a dream about her last night.. but that has been happening a lot. I know that this will get better but it is not a fun way to start my day.

Each morning does get a little better. I know that I am moving in the right direction... and that this is where i need to be doing what I need to be doing. I am growing as a person.... and that is important. I just wish that my heart would not have to suffer for it.

That Kind of Day

Today is a writing day for me. There are a lot of days that have become that for me.

I know that writing has saved my life on multiple occasions. At least it has saved my sanity more then once. I feel that I can write things down and take the power out of them. When all of these thoughts are just sitting in my head I am on dangerous ground for sure.

I go to a coffee shop and start writing. Usually I try to just write in streams of consciousness because it really shows what is on my heart.

For some reason I have never been able to look back on them... I have this fear about them. I don't know what it is all about but today for the first time in a long time I looked back on something that i had written in September.... and it was almost identical to what i am feeling right now. I was in the exact same place.. knowing what I had to do. The path was so well lit in front of me and then something else decided that it was going to be there turn.

I am ok with the something else.... I would not trade it for the world but I know that I got sidetracked from what was best for me.

I went a saw one of my best friends a couple of days ago.. this is someone that has known me for a very long time... and has seen all of the stages that i have gone through in the last 10 years. He told me something that I already knew but I just needed to hear from another person. I needed to hear it from someone that I trust and respect. It put me back on track... right where I need to be.

I love how my life is like that..... having people in my life that can just be present... and help me steer the course.

Nice Little Packages

I have been thinking a lot about many different things lately.  My head has been moving in different directions..  different thoughts and different emotions swimming around in there and sometimes if feels like I don't have any control of them.

Yesterday I was in a meeting and something just struck me. It was the beginning of the meeting and we were reciting the Serenity Prayer...  I just really started to think about the words and how they applied to me.

Every single word of that prayer had a direct impact on me and those words just kind of flowed over me like water...

God... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... the courage to change the things I can.. and the wisdom to know the difference.

It pretty much covers everything in just one long sentence. It covers everything that I am thinking about in once nice little package.  All of the things that I cannot change but I want to have have control over... like that control is going to change the outcome of anything.

I am leaving to go see a dear old friend of mine in Oregon after work today. I am pretty excited to go because I have not seen him in like 8 years or so... that is way too long.

Letting Go

Easier said then done.. for sure.

I have been thinking about the Third Step a lot lately.. a lot about the third step prayer. I have been having a lot of troubles letting go lately. There are somethings that I am holding on to... very tight. Well less tight then I was a couple of days ago.

I know that this is the key and that it will get better as the time goes by. I still don't have to like what is going on even though i know that it is the best thing that can be happening to me right now.

Having to let go and give up the power that I had taken back from my higher power is something that I don't like doing. Even though I know that this is essential for my ongoing health and happiness.

I go on tangents in my head about what is happening in the other persons life... and if that person still cares about me. If that person still loves me.... and all of that stuff does not matter really because I know that whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I have so much evidence about how that person feels about me... based on the things that have been said to me and what that person has done for me.

These are the things that go through my head.... less and less as times go by. There are things that make them pop into my head without warning. Like going to the movies by myself...and going to the town that the person is from.

The third step is essential right now in my life. Giving up the power...

Momentous

So yesterday.. when all of the stuff that I have described earlier was going on I got a text from a new friend.... someone who I had never met before but I knew that they were already a friend.

It was someone who was asking for some support and love so that they could get sober. Of all the things to happen to remind me of my primary purpose on this planet... that happened.

To Stay Sober... and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

Yep that pretty much describes everything in a nut shell right there doesn't it. When someone reaches out I want my hand to be there. It was a total God Shot for me... right when I needed it. It would help take myself out of my own head and focus on someone who needed help.. amazing.

I remember when I was trying to get sober.. and the people who's hands were there were the people who were the ones that I would always look to.

I have a really good feeling about this year. I think that there are going to be some major life changing events that fill it. Like they do every year... this one is going to have more of them with even more of them being significant.

There have been many ups and downs this year. Different people have crossed my path. Even a very special one... I don't know what is going to happen in the future and I have no control over it.

Here is to 2013 and what it brought me... who it brought into my life. Here is to the future and all of its blind beauty... it keeps me warm.

Press Start

Thats right.. I am double dipping today.

I had a minor freak out today. It was nothing super major.... alright, it was. You can see a little bit about it in my previous post. I was having somethings happen to me today and I had to express myself about them.

There are things that I know that are good for me.. but at the same time I don't want them to happen because they are going to hurt me emotionally. They feel like sandpaper on my face and I don't want them to happen... but I KNOW that it is the best for me.  Usually this revolves around stopping communications with specific people that I have no business communicating with because there is really nothing good for me to say to them.

Time and space are the things that are most needed... but to do this would mean that I would have to admit to myself that these feelings of pain are immanent.

I really hate feeling pain especially when it comes to relationships. I know that these are the times that make me grow and change.. but they still suck.

Last year at this time I was talking about the same thing as the new year came around. I was talking about how this new year was going to revolve around me.. and it was going to be the ALL ME 2013...  It was like that for a good amount of time.. all the way until April. I am hoping that I will be able to recapture some of that same spirit that made me change as a person at the beginning of last year.

I know that this is possible. Everything is possible in my world. Always was and it always will be.

The pain sucks.. but it is the touchstone for positive change in my life. It has been the past couple of times that it has happened to me.

Plus... Evidently.. I am a catch.

Devastation

It has been a couple of days since my major life event and today has been a REALLY bad day. I really don't know how to explain it.... I have had a couple of good days and then a couple of really bad days...  but today really just takes the cake. I have done everything in my power to make myself feel better today. I had a whole bunch of sleep and I ate this morning.. but that was not enough.

I am so heart broken. so so heart broken. I am trying to deal with it the best way that I can.... but it really sucks and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is not my fault. Its never my fault. There is always some outside force that is effecting me and my heart... and this is no different.

Today started with me waking up from a dream.... and then sitting up in bed. I could not get back to sleep ... or at least it took me a long time to get back to sleep. I just keep going over really stupid tangents in my head.

Yesterday was a really good day. I was doing all of the things that I needed to do... and today is shit.

I know that it will get better.. but i think that it is going to get worse before it gets better.

Thank God for this Blog

Thats all that I have to say....

I dont know where I would be if it I didnt have this blog as an outlet. I have used it on and off for the past almost 6 years as a place to express myself and be heard. Even if I dont get a whole lot of response on it.. I do sometimes. 

I have heard from people though that they have been given advice and inspiration through my words.. and that is all that I want to do. 

Sometimes I just think that I cant talk to anyone and I just want to write it out.. so this is what I do. I have few people that I am close to that I can reach out to and express myself too.... but I find that this avenue is essencial for me.... 

I really appreciate you all being here and reading this for the last 6 years.. it means a lot to me. As you can see I have been through a lot... but I never put my head down. I am always fighting.. I am a professional survivor... just the way that I like it. 

I went to a meeting today for the first time in awhile. I do not recommend taking so much time in between meetings. I dont even want to tell you how long it has been... way too long for an alcoholic of my type. 

It was good to be there. Reminds me that I cant control things.. and when I try to things get messed up. This is not my job anymore.. I have a new employer. My higher power is always looking out for me... and I have to let things go... and let it get handled elsewhere. 

Constructive

I have some big things going on in my life... because that is what I have to do to move my mind in another direction. Or at least just pre-occupy myself with some constructive things that I want to have going on.

That seems to be the way that I deal with things like this. I try to see the good things that I have in my life and concentrate on those.... like taking pictures.

I have made myself a deal... I have been taking a picture every night and I want to do another show... maybe a photo book.

We will see...  but I feel that there is always light at the end of the tunnel I feel.

Ups and Downs

So today has been a whole bunch of ups and downs.... one moment after the next.

The downs have been tempered by talking to close friends of mine about what is happening to me. Thats the way that it is supposed to go though. That is what I have learned through almost 6 years of recovery. It still really sucks though because I hate feeling like this.

The ups have been nice though even though there has not been that many of them. I know that will changed as time goes by. I hate knowing that is true though... that things will get better as time goes by. I know if for a fact because of how many times that I have been through this before.

I am really thankful that I have to work right now... working has been a savior for me because it keeps my mind occupied... and it means that I am with a group of people that cares about me.

Its the little things. Still really sucks though. The future will work itself out.

Slow and Steady

I know that in my instance that slow and steady wins the race. Patience has never really been my strongest suit.

I always want things to happen right now... And in the way that I want them to. That's how I want my life to go. But that's not they way that my higher power has it planned. This has been the story since I got sober. Something is not working out the way that I want it to. Even though... What might be happening is what I know is best. 

I know that the way that I have planned things in my head is not usually the best way... And that I am usually always selling myself short. 

Each and everytime I think that the sky is falling.... But it usually isn't. I'm sober and I am alive. I have a job. Apparently I am "a Catch" according to multiple people. 

There are a lot of really great things that are happening. 

I just have to be patient. 

Slow and steady wins the race. 

bummed. bummed. bummed.

Wow Wow Wow...
Super Bummed right now..
I just want to put it out there to try to take the power out of it but that is the way that I feel. I just had a really major life event happen. Other then my nephew being born.....

There are things that I think about that remind me of her and my heart just sinks for a little bit. I can pull myself out of it after a couple of minutes by just reciting the Serenity Prayer. There are things that I cant control and I have to remember that.

My patience is something that I know is important.... but I just hate waiting. Things happen in my life that I have no explanation for.

I will be fine. I am a survivor.

On the Road

I am leaving pretty soon.... and I can't wait.

I feel like I really need a vacation. A vacation from a lot of things that have been putting me in a less then desirable mood lately. I can't really discuss them here but they are things that should be making me happy and they are not. I think that I just need a little perspective right now.

I don't know what it is but sometimes I just seem to lose sight of the things that are really important to me and that make me happy.

I am going to be taking photos... and they will be uploaded to this thing here.

Diamonds and Rocks

Some days are diamonds.. and some days are rocks.

Thats what the great Tom Petty said in his song Walls and it pretty much sums up the way that I am feeling today. Some days are good and then there are some days that are bad.

Some doors are open and then some doors are blocked. Today is one of those hards days were I feel like I am hitting my head against a wall. There are so many amazing things that are in my life but right now I am just focusing on the things that are hard that are right in front of me.

I know that these things that are hard right now will work out... but right now I just loathe my days sometimes.

Some people might look at my day and then try to compare it to another persons days saying that mine is less significant. Thats really not my deal because I am not into comparing the two. At all.

All that i know is that I am having a bad day.. and that it will get better.  I just had to vocalize it.
Thanks for listening.

Because I'm Awesome

Sometimes I just have to say it out loud.

I really like the person that I am. I don't think that I have always been able to say that. There were times that I really didn't like myself through the years. I have always had a baseline love for myself... but there have been times when I have really hated the person that I had become. I hated the way that I treated people and hated the way that they looked at me.

I knew that they were not really seeing the real me anyway. They were seeing something that was not me. They were looking at me as if I were wearing a  mask. I had a lot of jaded views of a lot of different things. Love and affection were one of those things. I mean I was a lot younger then and a whole lot drunker.. all the time.

Sometimes when I look back on it I just think of all of the lost chances that I had.. with pretty amazing people. That is part of my story and those people have made me who I am.  When I think about those times all that I can really do is smile because.. thats all that i can do. I can't dwell on those times and those choices. I just have to be aware of them because I can try not to make the same mistakes. Thats what life is though...  living and learning. Socializing and interacting with people... having different relationships with different people... making mistakes and making tough choices.

Those are all of the things that have brought me to this time and place. I can look around and say that I may think that i have regrets... but really I don't because I can't imagine my life any better then it is right now. I have everything that anyone could ever want....  life and love.

My gratitude lists are awesome.