Hit Hard

Today I have been hit really hard. There are so many questions that are just riding around in my brains. so many things that I want answered. Even if they were answered I really don't think that it would matter.... but thats what I want.
Today was the first time that I really cried about the whole thing. You would think that I would of cried when it was happening... but I think that I was more in disbelief. It had come out of no where and I had no idea that it was coming.
I feel like I am going crazy, I have to remember that I have to breathe.

When I was drinking, there were somethings that would really scare me. They would scare me half to death... and it was a reason that I would drink more.
One thing that really scared me was time, and the other was sleep.
Time scared me because it was all that I had and I hated being alone with it. So I drank and then I would pass out and that would help me waste time.
The second is sleep... or really the lack thereof. I used to hate that I would not be able to fall asleep. I would have to drink so that I would pass out.

Some of those same fears have come back to haunt me right now.

One thing that I keep thinking about is the commitment of the whole thing. You choose the words that you speak. You choose the things that you are going to say to someone else... and those are the words that are part of how they will feel.
All of a sudden, those words just don' mean anything anymore. Like they never did.

Thats how I feel right now. I am calming down a little. I have to go to a meeting tonight.... or I think I might explode.