Good Place

Today has been one of those days that I can't explain. I really have no words for.. but I am going to try and put something together.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was just feeling that everything was going wrong. My head hurt and I felt that my heart was not in the right place in my body. I knew what I had to do... I had to say a prayer and see how the day would play itself out.

I posted about my day on Facebook.. hoping to get some sympathy I guess. Sometimes I think that is what I need.... is just a little acknolodgement. I seek these things from other people....

I wrote another blog post... .on another blog that I write..  www.beaconhouse.org/blog and I started thinking about the Big Book and when it gives the example of your daily routine. What you should do in the morning and what you should do when you turn in.

I really don't have a daily routine.. i just kind of let everything go and just let the chips fall as they may. Things are beyond my control.. but I feel that I don't have any idea what is going to happen next. I don't have a lot of skills when it comes to knowing what is going to happen in my day. I know when I have to work and I know when I have to go to school.

I went to Marin and had some coffee and wrote. That is something that I have been trying to do everyday now.. is write about what I feel. A lot like I do when I am writing here.. but it is different. It is more like a journal... and I don't know what it is but I really enjoy the act of physically writing.... and I don't remember it ever being like that before.

When I got home from that... I was in this amazing place. I really couldnt desc
ribe it except for the fact that everything felt right.

I have been reading this book..... called the Untethered Soul. I have only read the first chapter so far but it really made me think..... about the inner dialog that goes on in my head and how that dialog is not me. Disconnecting myself from the dialog is something that I have never thought of before... That realization was something that took me to a really positive place...

I had never even thought of disconnecting myself from that voice.

Things are happening.. exactly the way that they are supposed to be happening and its a beautiful thing.

So Many Miracles.

This is the last weekend that I have before my big 5 year anniversary.... So I wanted to share the very first post that I ever made on this blog. The blog that I started a little under 5 years ago. I remember when I had the idea to start writing this blog. I knew that I wanted to do it for a while but there was something that was holding me back. I know now that it was the fear that I had been carrying around with me for so long.

I came to believe in a power that was greater then me. For so long I really thought that I was the ultimate end and beginning of the power. 

I was in my old bar tonight.. celebrating a birthday with a friend and we were talking about some of the old people that were in our lives back then. There are some that I can remember and then there are some that are distant memories that have faded with the time that has gone by. Some people come up in conversation or cross my mind.... and I know now that they too are sober. This makes my heart smile because I know what it has done for me in the past 5 year... so I can only imagine what it has done for them.... 

So here it is... the very first post that I ever made on this page. It was the beginning of everything for me. It was the start of a journey that my heart had to take. I am so glad that I took the first step. 

-Part 2 of this story I will post tomorrow night. 

Thursday, May 15, 2008

so here we go...a first time for everything

Hello everyone...
my name is Richie...everyone calls me Richie Rich..ever since i got out of high school. and the name just stuck to me. like rye bread fungus..it has become part of my identity so to speak..
well...here it goes..
I'm and alcoholic...a huge alcoholic.
and i know this to be a fact..I know 4 things for sure..
1.There is something greater then me..
2. I am not that something...
3. I'm going to die someday...
4. I'm an alcoholic...
so what I'm going to do is use this here blog as a daily sounding board for my recovery. what ever helps me can also help you. for me its all about communicating to other alcoholics and addicts..
I have almost 90 days of sobriety...this is the longest that I have been without a drink in more then 10 years..oh yeah..I'm 28 years old.

here's a little background about me..
I grew up in a city in southern California..Ventura to be exact. had a pretty normal upbringing..well no that's a lie. Lets just say that addiction is a mainstay in my family..my mother and father were both addicts..my mom died sober in February of 2007. and my dad is 9 years clean as i write this..but you all know us...that could change at the drop of a hat. its always that close..
had my first drink at 15 years old...hated it. but thats what everyone that was cool was doing. so i did it also. because i wanted to be cool..high school went by. basically cheated my way through..met a girl. and moved the hell out of southern cali. next stop...beautiful Hayward, California...went to college there. concentrated on hockey and lacrosse and not really on school...
smoked alot of pot...its nor cal. were good for that shit..
one year later...is when my life changed forever...and my heart and mind opened to a whole new world...The City and County of San Francisco.
this is where the story really begins. because it was in The City where is say everything start to unfold...
did some jobs here and there...trader joes..drank beer with co-workers. smoked with co-workers..did cocaine for the first time with my supervisors..
I started to get really interested in the underground music scene in The City. and me being a people person i made friends really quickly..so my life became all about where the next party was. who was throwing it. who was playing. who was going to be there. and how much shit was i going to need. or was there going to be an easy way to get it...and i always had a way..
so drugs were what was going on with me...alcohol was always there but wasn't the dominating thing that i was soon to become...
so i was always out there somewhere...i was known as the person to call to find out about what was going on in The City at any given time. i was also the person to call when you need to particular thing that you needed at that particular time...if you know what i mean. i was always right there in the middle of it.
so i decided that i had had enough of this menial labor grocery bull shit and i wanted to move on to something bigger, brighter, and better. and i needed more money for drugs and booze. and i needed to be the party...so i needed to get behind the bar. bartending was the ticket for me....next stop....party. and i was in charge...
so i became part of a wonderful group of people that i still do this day love and adore...these were the people that were to become my family...
so when the constant drug use started to bite me in the ass and really effect my day to day life...i thought to myself..well screw this..this is taking away from my quality of life. I'm going to stop...and I did. No more cocaine....except every few and far between...blue moon kind of thing. (hey im an addict)
but drinking...that was part of my job...part of my life..social life of the party was i
a couple of years started to go by...i mean fly right by. and there were large parts and details of these years that icouldnt remember...
there were some people that were very close to me that i treated very badly...ones that really loved me. and I always had some problem with them...there was always something...call it my impatient attitude..
my mom was diagnosed with cancer of the liver...after years of drug use and the sort...so what did i do...oh, i just continued everything just as if nothing in the world was wrong...even though i knew that things were not going to get any better really...my drinking was escalating..and i didnt give a rats ass...i was entitled to my booze. it was my right...
this is what i did..i was the life of the party. the center of attention....thats what i did. i drank. that was me...
my mother died Feburary 13th, 2007. and i couldnt handle what was going on around me...but i managed to try to keep it straight. but there were those that were close to me that we starting to be able to see that something was wrong...and i didnt care.
i was the life of the richie rich party...that was me. thats what i did. i drank....
i was starting to be not the richie that i used to be...impatient, abusive, argumentative, brazen,confrontational, not reliable....that was what was starting to happen...
and that was only the mental things....the signs of the immanent demise of my body were starting to come around...
my skin and teeth were starting to get yellow..and i didnt care. i wasnt eating...there was no alcohol in food..thats what i told myself..i thought that was funny...i was not sleeping. or if i was it was for about 3 hours at a time...and then i would need alcohol to get back to sleep...
and because i was so "social"...i would have to go to my local bar...(that opened at 6am) to get me that couple of drinks to get me back to sleep...to get me right.
so my family in The City were starting to get a little worried...i had really created a monster. i was in a really bad relationship that was helping with my panic attacks...which i went to the emergency room for on a couple of occasions..
My family back home in Ventura were getting worried.this included my little brother..his new wife and her family (now my family) and my aunt..they couldnt see me because i was up north but they knew that something was very wrong...i never called. i would go a month without checking in with them...

so the holidays come in the latter part of 2007...and i go home to ventura to visit. i look like total and complete stomped on shit..
i manage to steal wine from my aunt to try to get myself to sleep on christmas day night...the night of the 25th..thats when it came at me with full force...
that night..with my aunt in the room sleeping on the couch, i had a detailed interaction with a number of people in my room...people that i thought were there to do harm to my friends and family. they were as real to me that night as if i was standing next to you having a conversation...my aunt being right there assured me that i was just imagining all of it...but they were there..i was sure of it.
they were trying to kill me...set me on fire. i could feel the flames..and hear them laughing at me...pouring beer on me as i burned....
i think that it was time to go to the hospital.....think that would be a good idea.
next stop...Cottage Hospital in Santa Barbara. my dad had told my aunt that cottage had the best detox program around...
do this is where i have no recollection....none at all. super blackout big time...
i woke up 3 days later....in the ICU at cottage. in four point restraints...iv's sticking out of both arms...in a hospital gown...hooked up to monitors
a nurse came in to check on me...and i said hello...being the nice guy that i am, you know. she asked me if i remember anything about the previous days events...and i said no. i noticed that the nurse had a bruise on her arm...i then learned that i had given her that bruise.
I had become extremely combative when i was brought in to the er...assaulted numerous nurses..doctors and other er staff. i was shocked...i could of never of done that. but i did.
the senior doctor on staff that night...who had been working in the er for 15 years told my family that i had a 20% chance of making it through that first night. 20%....
i had gone through what the same doctor called "the worst case of delirium tremens that he had ever seen" that night...i was on my death bed.
but thats what i did...i was the life of the party..i drank.
well fuck that....not anymore. i was in the hospital for a total of 9 days...spent my new years there...watched the ball drop in time square on a tv room my bed...

next stop...The Beacon House for in-patient treatment...
so thats where i will stop at right now...my hands hurt. im not used to typing this much. but its a good kind of hurt...dont worry ill post again soon...
to be continued....

Years.

Here we go with the second edition of this trip back over the past almost 5 years of my life. I do a lot of comparisons of my life in recovery with my former life. I think that it is good to really dig down deep and see all of the little differences between the two.  It makes me very appreciative of all of the things that I have now.

So here we go with a blog post that I published... right after my first belly button birthday in recovery.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me...

I had my first sober birthday in a very long time..like since I can remember. The history of my birthday has been one that was soaked with alcohol...
I found that the greatest thing that happened to me on this birthday was all of the love and support from everybody thats around me. It really makes me realize the importance that my life plays in the lives of others...that my life really does make a difference.
Towards the end of my drinking...I really didnt see a reason for me to go on. i know now that this was the alcohol tainting my life...but the only way that I can describe the way that i was thinking was...sickness.
Another year has come to me...and this is a very different one. This is going to be a year of clarity..and a year of differences...

I am always coming back to the word...gratitude
I am so glad that I am sober...and that my higher power has given me what he has given me. and all of the people that he has given to me..I can't imagine my life any other way. especially the way that it was..

Happy Birthday to Me.

Start from the beginning.

So today is where the healing will start from. This is the day.

I am going to have to grieve a bit though... so maybe the healing has not started yet. No matter what I think that today was a very big step for me.

I said goodbye to the person who I was in love with. I am still in love with. It will take me sometime to not be able to say that. This person meant so much to me that everything that I was envisioning for myself in the future revolved around her. That may not be healthy... but it sure is warm and comfortable. I really like the way that it felt too.... Knowing that someone was there for you and had your back.

Well things can change in that way... and when they change, the change can show you what is really important in my life. When all of this came down on my head tonight I started to get text messages from all kinds of friends in my life. That made me feel warm and comfortable in a whole different way.

Someone that I have met and hang out with a couple of times sent me something that really hit me hard... I will share it here.

“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown

It is exactly what I need to hear... and I think this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It is a very uncomfortable place, but it is where my life is taking me. 

So I will go to bed.... very emotionally exhausted and with a throughly broken heart... but knowing that this is what the start looks like.