1826 days is five years.

When I look back on the last five years the one thing that I know to be absolutely true is that I am an alcoholic... and I will never be cured of this disease. One of the first things that I can remember learning in the Beacon House was that this disease was a chronic one. It was something that I would never get rid of. I learned that the disease that I had was a fatal one. It was always trying to kill me.

"Rich... you are never alone because you are always in the same room with a person that is trying to kill you... don't you ever forget that"... this was something that was relayed to me very early in my sobriety by Mickey P. When I really thought about that statement it made sense to me. I am different and I know that. I am not like the normal people that can just enjoy one drink or one drug. I want all of the drinks and all of the drugs and I want to know where the backup stash is in the house.

This entry into my blog will be published at exactly 8:30AM on February 26th of 2013... exactly five years ago I was walking into the office of my intake counselor Dana at the Beacon House in Pacific Grove, California. All that I can remember about that morning was how overjoyed I was to be getting back into the house. I knew that for me... the House meant safety and it meant relief. I was tired of running and I was tired of living the hollowed out shell of a life that I was living. I was ready to try this again and I was ready to do whatever was necessary to start living my life again.

Drugs and alcohol were the most beautiful thing in my life for a long time. They had done the trick. They had helped me suppress, transplant, substitute or downright avoid my life for years. They were just what the doctor ordered.... Then came the time when they started not to work and my defenses were starting to crack. I started to get scared and figured that the only way to solve this problem was to blame everyone and everything other then myself for my problems.... and to drink more.  When that did not work I figured that the only way out would be suicide but I knew that I would never be able to do it  and I really didn't want to die. I was exactly where I needed to be to do what I knew that I had to do.  The  Big Book describes this in Chapter 11 in a Vision for You.

"Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."


I have this definition of desperation written in my Big Book... I believe that I was given a "gift of desperation" and it is what brought me to the doors of the Beacon House.

"Desperation is the feeling that you have when you are in such a bad situation and have no hope that you are willing to do anything to change that situation"

I was ready to change that situation. It only took being close to death twice in a two month period for me to realize that I had been given this gift and it was mine to receive.

I credit the Beacon House and its staff for helping me to see that there was sunlight out there and that I could feel its warmth. The Beacon House holds a very special place in my heart because it was the place where my life changed. Every inch of my being changed when I walked through those doors and accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and that I needed help. I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of the situation that I was in and I did not want to go back.

I also credit the Beacon House with introducing me to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA would be the vehicle for the change. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have AA. I have gained a new way of living that has become the foundation of my life. It is the way that I think and deal with every situation that I come across. It has introduced me to the most amazing people and has shown me the most amazing experiences in recovery. When I thought that my life was over when I entered recovery it was AA, and those people, that showed me that my life was only beginning.

Now 5 years later I can look back and feel that the best years of my life are ahead of me and not behind me. I know that this optimism and love for life that i have are a direct product of my recovery and that decision that I made 5 years ago to go back in the Beacon House and surrender.

My life has its ups and its downs... but these days I have the choice. It was a choice that I never had before because I was locked in a life and death struggle. I am still in that life and death struggle... but now I have friends that have been through it before with me.... and that is all I need.

Thank you to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Beacon House, my family...... and most importantly... my Higher Power.

This quote pretty much sums up my experience over the past five years....

“Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness is followed by sunshine.” Rumi