Nothing Could Be Finer

I am having a very good day today. Here are some pictures that illustrate the point.

Possibilities.

When I come downtown and there are alot of people around it just makes me think of all of the positive things in my life. Sometimes I seem to be seeing things from a place of fear. I know that it's not good for me to be coming from a place of fear. It's never good. When I am seeing what I am seeing now... It makes me feel good about things. I am much better for myself when I am positive.

Things that I don't need to understand.

I had a really great holiday. I got to see my family and all of the great things that happen when I am with them. I drove almost 800 miles over the course of 3 days, but it was well worth it. The drive was really nice because it gave me a chance to thing about somethings.

There has been a lot of things that have been going on in my life over the past couple of months. Major things have happened to me.... and I am just trying to get somethings sorted in my head. Long drives with great music help... sort things out. 

One of the awesome things that happened while I was down there was me seeing my best friend from high school. There are very few people that I keep in contact with from my days at Ventura High School.... let alone communicate with on a regular basis. Joe is the exception to this rule... we have been in contact pretty much constantly since we graduated high school. He is one of those people that I don't think I will ever not be in contact with over my lifetime. When ever we talk, and we haven't talked in awhile we are right back with each other... like we never missed a beat. He is getting ready to go around the world helping to do good. He is going to be building schools, teaching english, ministering... pretty much anything that needs to be done, he is going to do. Thats the kind of guy that he is. He gave up a really high paying job just to do something that is meaningful. Thats awesome. 

The other thing that is on my mind tonight is something that really throws me off.... Something that really perplexes me. Someone in my past that I love very much decided a couple of months ago just to stop talking to me all together... and I really don't know why. We were in communication with each other and everything was seeming fine, and then just one day.... it stopped. I know that she is ok because she is active on social networks and the such.. she just doesn't want to talk to me. Its just really strange to me, because it has never happened to me before. No one has really ever stopped taking to me all together.... ok, maybe there is someone else out there that doesn't talk to me. I know that I did something wrong with that situation... and i made a amends. 

Well everyone.... thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.
Oh yeah....today is 1400 days clean. 1400! Wow that is nuts. This time 4 years ago I was in a coma... times and attitudes change.... 

A Very Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays to everyone out there. This time of year I always have to think about where I was about 4 years ago at this time..... And that was in the hospital in a coma. I am grateful for everyday that I have in recovery.. Which is a couple thousand and counting. Much love to everyone. Keep the faith

I kind of want to throw up.

I have this pit in my stomach. Today is not going to be a good day. I wish that I could explain it all out to you but right now I just can't. My whole body is tired... and all that I want to do is sit down. I could just go back to sleep and try to just sleep through all of this. But it is something that I just can't sleep through. It is part of my life. I have to feel what I am feeling. Even though I really don't like it. My life is just not all peaches and cream.
Im feeling sick. I don't like it. I want it to go away.

Sunday Night.

AA Infograph.

Hey everyone... Just saw this and you know how much I love infographs... Also check out this site also.. http://www.rehab-programs.org/



Courtesy of Rehab Programs. Designed by Dawn Shepard

No One has the Right.

Ok people.. I have to say that I have not been the biggest Lady Gaga fan in my life... but I do have to say that there is something to be said for artists that use their celebrity for something that is good. I really don't have any patience or tolerance for anyone that bullies someone for the way that they are. When I was in high school I was bullied... but not because I was gay, but because I was small.
I have to admit that when I was in high school I hadn't been exposed to many different people. I was living in a town in Southern California.. and my head hadn't been cracked open by San Francisco yet... I didn't know the difference.. There were a couple of gay kids that were in my high school and they were picked on mercilessly by people in my school. I really wish that when I was younger I would of been one of the people that stuck up for them.
Well... here is a pretty awesome performance by Lady Gaga... she is singing about Jamey Rodemeyer.. a 14 year old that committed suicide after years and years of bullying. Here is a link to a story about Jamey
Good Night everyone...

Good Evening San Francisco

Beautiful Everyday Feeling

Today was another incredible day in San Francisco. It seemed like I got a lot done today. I had the day off and I wasn't going to waste it just hanging out in bed. I decided that I was going to go out and about and live a beautiful sober day in the City that I love.  One of the great things that I get to do these days is look at this beautiful thing almost everyday on my way to work... I took this picture and it is one of the best pictures that I have ever taken. It pretty much captures many of the things that I love about this bridge.. The people, the fog... and most importantly... the feeling.

Another Perfect Day of Life

Just wanted to try this new app out. Looks good

Home Again

Hello there everyone. I just wanted to share this with you. So I am back in the City that I love. I am back in the City that changed my life... a couple of times. I am also in the City that gave me my bottom. I have returned a much changed person... and the City has changed while I was gone. Seems like this place that I love is so much brighter now then it ever has been before. I am seeing so many new things that I never really could see before. Maybe it is like seeing the City for the first time again. I feel sometimes that I have the wonder of a tourist the first time that they ever see the Golden Gate Bridge.
All that I know is that I have grown so very much in the past couple of years... and I have my recovery to thank for it. The major credit has to go to my God... (my idea of a higher power). Really I didn't do that much... I just held on tight for the ride.
I am home again... seeing all of the great things that I get to see.

Places and Things

So I am finally moving. Really moving back to San Francisco. Well right now I still have a little over a week before I 100% will be back in SF.... but I am almost there. I officially have moved out of my house in Carmel. It was a really good house and I loved the people that I lived there with... but it is behind me. I will miss my roommate Renee very very much. I am so glad that she was there because I really dont know what I would of done without her. She is moving back to the Bay Area also... So it is kind of a homecoming for her also.

For me I am just very ready for all of this to be over. It almost is... There are alot of things that I am going to miss about the Monterey Bay Area. This is the place that I was given the gift of sobriety... shown the light of day. 

Sometimes I forget..

Sometime I forget that I am an alcoholic... I mean, not that I want to drink. I think that I am over the whole drinking thing. I don't see myself ever drinking again.. ( or atleast not drinking today). What I am talking about is all of the alcoholic tendencies that I have. These are the old behavior patterns that  I have always had. The reason that I drank in the first place. The resentments that are swirling around me all of the time.
I hadnt been to a meeting in over a month. Maybe over two months I really don't know, but I went to one last week. Everytime that I do go to a meeting I know that is where I am supposed to be. That is the thing that makes me different then others that I know. I have AA with me in my life, because I am an alcoholic. I am proud that I am an alcoholic because it gives me somewhere to go.
I went to a meeting tonight... and I am so glad that I did. One of my friends had gone out about 4 days ago.. and was back in.  I remember during my first year of recovery, when someone went out I would get mad and resentful.. I would think to myself, "how could you go out, you know what is out there. Don't you see how good it is in here." Now, over 3 years later... I am so glad that if they went out... that they are back in, and not dead.

Mario's Story

I am starting to use this forum as a place to document my daily life and what it has become since I have gotten into recovery. A very large part of that has been in caring about many more things other then myself.
I love documentaries... I absolutly love them. They make me think, they make me wonder... and they make me cry. An example of one that made my cry was this one. It's called Mario's Story. The trailer is below...

Good Night People..

Good night everyone... I leave you with this song.. I love Little Dragon, and I love this song. Everything will be alright. I know it.

Just keep swimming...

My life never ever ceases to amaze me.. all of the things that I have. The things that I always used to think that I had. Now when I just sit back and look at what I have now... its simply amazing.
Even when there are some things that come along and make me really frustrated... for some reason I have been keeping a positive attitude.... There are somethings that are happening in my life right now, that would of thrown me into a tizzy..

I'm trying to move back to San Francisco... I have been planning it for almost a year now. I just really think that it is the right time for me to get back the the City that I love. My girlfriend is there... so my heart is there. I thought that I had a great plan...but God seemed to have other plans. All of my perfectly laid plans... just kind of got crumpled up and handed back to me. I know that it is not the end of the world.. and that the sky isn't falling down around me. I just have to keep swimming..

Guilty Pleasure

So this one of my guilty pleasures... but I think that it really hits the nail on the head....

Saw an awesome movie...

Its called "The Way"
I really like it because of the way that it makes me feel about life... The time that I have, and the time that I have spent. Following and loving with my heart.

The Way - Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: St james, Munich

Check it out here...The Way

Together.

Thought this was perfect.

Like it Never Happened.

Hey everyone... Im back. I moved to wordpress.... and how I am moving back. I just had way more fun over here on blogger. I dont really care what anyone says about either of them. I just want to interact with some other people that are moving their way through life... the same as I am.

So I am glad to be back... I think that I am going to be getting a domain soon also. I just want this to be easy... and I dont want to be afraid to write here. I dont want that old darkness that I knew to creep in and shut this whole experiment down...
So here I am... pretty much a year later. Good to see ya.

Hey Everyone.. I have moved. To a new Spot!

Hey all..
I have moved to a new site... Check it out..
http://thesocietyofthesecondchance.com/

Hope.... is the opposite of fear.

Sometimes you have to just sit back and marvel in the pure genius of the whole thing. I have to remember that my Higher Power's plan is so much better then the plan that I have for myself. That I have to really just get out of the way and feel it. There are things that right there in front of me.
This is a really great weekend for me.. or at least it has been so far.

I hung out with a friend of mine that is in the program.. someone that is very very close to me in sobriety time. Like the closest person that I know. We got sober right at the same time.

We went to a morning meeting that takes place every Sunday.. but the real amazing thing about this meeting where it takes place..... right in the middle of a redwood forest, down the beautiful California Coast, in Big Sur. In this place if you have any qualms about the existence of something greater then yourself... they really go right out the window.

This meeting's topic was Hope. Something that is near and dear to my heart. Something was said by someone there, Fear is the opposite of Hope. I knew that, but It amazes me how much I forget it. That was i have in front of me is Hope, when all there used to be was fear.

Being comfortable in my own skin... and with other people. Pure Gold. I love this life. Love my Sobriety.

I take a moment.. to remember all of those who serve this country. Wherever they are... and I don't care the reason that they are.. they are.  To those that have died to protect the country that I love.

I take a moment to think about all of those who are still out there... searching for something..  anything to change. Just like me over 2 years ago.
  Happy Memorial Day...

My Grandmother..

This reminds me of my grandmother..

Blah Blah Blah

Just sitting in the sun. On my lunch break... Thinking about all of the good things that are going on in my life. I want to progress.. And I think that's what I am doing. A longtime ago I used to write poetry... It was my outlet. Something that I could express myself through. Something that I could hold and feel. I stopped and I really can't put my finger on why I did. I just did. Maybe I should start that again.
When I was writing. I came up with something that really discribes what I'm about...
Constant progression, anti-stagnation.



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Well... thats just perfect.

I had my car broken into yesterday, and yes it sucks to get victimized like that. For some reason I took it really very well. I think that I knew that it was God's way of telling me something. Maybe he was telling me that I need to remember all of the great things that I have in this world.  Everything did work itself out in the end... and I got my glass replaced.

I then got to see this... (look above). I really couldn't believe what I was seeing at the time. It is probably the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen while I have been living here. I have seen some great things in my recovery.. but this one really took the cake. It is really so clear.. I think that I can see God in it.

I got a message from a really good friend of mine.. that is battling cancer right now. She is going in for a second round of chemo. She asked me how I had handled all the hard times that I had been through in the past 2 years.. First, I had to tell her that in no way could I compare my situation in life to hers. To me they were like apples and oranges. At the same time though.. I told her that when I made the realization that i wasn't the one in control and didn't have to be.. it was a big relief to me. I hope that she thinks that she can call on me during this time. I get to do these things for people today.. there is no way that i would of been able to do that before.

Then to top it all off tonight ... I talked to someone that I haven't talked to since high school... and it was awesome.

I just had to share this. How to Share in a Meeting.

Ok all...
I just saw this. This is one of my favorite blogs of all time.. it is in my blogroll...
The Last Chance Texaco.. and how to share in a meeting.
http://thelastchancetexaco.com/how-to-share-in-a-meeting/trackback/

Just in Case I ever Forgot

Sometimes I have these little expances of time when I think that I might be able to go out there again.. and see what the drinking and using world has for me.. these little flickers of my disease are really very short. Thanks to my higher power and some other examples.. I snap out of them quickly.
I heard about some people that have gone out recently.. and seen what the world had for them. Thank God for these people going out there and doing the research for me..
The stories are littered with pain.. anger.. and arrests. Not just little arrests.. but major major arrests.. that will lead to years and years in jail. Basically lives that have been destroyed because of the reemergence of this cunning and baffling disease..
So very glad that I havent gone out like that... I have gone out before, but I knew that I was totally screwed when I was out too far. I knew when I had to reel it back in. If I wouldnt of dont that, I know that I would be in jail or I would be dead.

Glad that I am not dead.. and that I am here on a Sunday. Writing to you all..

Go Climb a Rock.

Its been quite awhile since I have written on my blog. And its all my fault..

Its still really amazing to me just how much fear is involved in almost everything that I do. It used to be way worse then it is now.. when I was drinking I used to just drink to mask the whole thing. But when the drinking stopped all of the fear just came bursting our. All of the anxiety was really overwelming, it made me never want to have those feeling ever again. But I know that they will come again some day.. because I know that this too shall pass..

Other then that.. I have been doing somethings that I have been wanting to do for awhile... like I took up rock climbing.. and I DIG it. I really like it. I was introduced to the whole thing by a friend of mine from work..
and I really like what it is doing for me. I am learning about so many things about myself that I never knew about before. Like how I have all of these muscles that I never ever knew existed before.. there is this whole group of them in my forearms that I never knew were there before..
Im learning alot about my sense of balance.. I like it because it is really meditative. Im getting really into the mental side of alot of things in my life.. taking time to think about what I am doing. So this is perfect for me ..
I will let you all know how its going.. and I will post some pictures..

The Brothers..

What a great day to be sober.. today and yesterday.
I don't know if any of you remember last year when my little bother and I went to two baseball games in one day..
Check out last year
 Well, it was so much dang fun that we decided that we were going to be doing it every year. So this baseball season we were both really excited. Its a great chance for us both to just hang out with each other and talk about the things that really matter in both of our lives. Talk about all of the things that are shaping both of our days... Its just a great time to be together.

Like last year we decided that we are going to do it again next year, only this time in Southern California. We are going to be going to a Dodgers ( BOOOOOOOO) game and an Angels (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) game.
So that will be really exciting. I love being sober... and having a great brother.

something precious.

Today has been quite the whirlwind day.. It started off just beautifuly.. went out to breakfast with someone that I really admire and respect and had a great conversation about God.. I just really wanted some help with nailing down a good concept of my higher power..
Like I have said before.. I know that there is a God, I know that I am not that God.. but I really needed some help from someone that knows more about the subject of spirituality then I do..
because there is something that I have come to learn.. that quiting the drinking isnt the reason that I am here.. I know that there is a bigger plan for me in this life. I know that he has something much bigger for me.. I am here for the spirital side of the program now. I really want to take that next step in my existance.
The whole day was going great with that.. then I took the picture that is above.. awesome. Listening to the baseball game. Well.. lets just say that we were on our way to a victory.. and then with one little mistake the whole thing slipped away.. and i sent me into a little baby tizzy. Not half as bad as it would of been when I was drinking..
I wouldnt be speaking with anyone for the rest of the night.. or until i had enough to drink in me and all of the shit talking was done. Then... I would be speaking.. I was not the best person to be around when the Giants lost... and towards the later part of my drinking, they lost alot.
But.. whatever, thats over. And I have had a great day. I have learned alot today...like

Recovery is regaining something precious that was lost..

Plans.

The last couple of days has been somewhat of a real test for me.. I can't really put my finger on what that test is.. but I know that God is putting things into my life that I need to see. I know one thing to be very true.. and something that I have learned in the past couple of years of my recovery.. there is a plan, and I am not in charge of it..
Somethings happen that make me wonder about the plan..
Two nights ago... right about this time.. two girls died in a car accident in a town that is very near to mine.. there wasnt any foulplay involved.. but two really good girls lost their lives. I didnt know either of them.. but I could feel their loss from people around me. So in turn I felt the loss. I felt the loss as a human on this earth..
like I said... I know that things happen for a reason, but what is the good reason for these two to have lost their lives. I guess it is something that I will have to wonder about, and write about. In the end it is not my question to answer. All that I can do is to prey for the knowledge of my higher powers will for me.. and thats all..
Well.. and I have said prayers for those two girls.. may they both rest in peace..

Dear Expectations. You Suck

Yeah I know what you are going to say.. if you don't have expectations then you will never get hurt. In my life that is really very hard to do. Especially when the person that you have set the expectations for is someone that you really care about and is pretty close to you..
It was really pretty amazing how worked up I got last night when a friend of mine flaked on me.. after doing the same thing over two weeks ago when we tried to do the same thing. I mean really, two times in a row. While it was happening I was trying to tell my self.. "no way, not two times in a row".  But yes, that is exactly what happened...
But then at the same time.. I went to sleep last night actually in a pretty good place. The reason for this was that I had to remember that I am not the center of the world. If this would of happened a couple of years ago I would of retaliated against this person.. and that would of meant that I wouldnt be talking to that person again.. Well I guess that is how all of this goes... and I am not the center of the universe.

In other news.. I am going back to the health class that I spoke two a couple of months ago to tell my story... Its really nice because I get to tell the shock value story.. and not the recovery based story. Now don't get me wrong. I love to tell that story but I tell it alot in meetings. So this one is the real down and dirty of my addiction... and it gets really scary for people who have never been presented with it..
Thanks for listening.. it has been a little while since I have written. I am back though...

When All Else Fails

When all else fails I need to remember that my higher power loves me and that I need to be grateful. I live in a beautiful place that not many others live in. I live in a place that others dream all of their lives to live in. And really this is where I ended up. Sucks to be me, I know.
I live by the ocean. On the left side of the country... I get to see the water everyday.. After my morning meeting I usually drive along this really pretty road in my town. I call this drive my "God Drive". It's something that came from my first sponser when I was first getting sober. We drove down by the ocean and we looked out onto the water and realized that there had to be a God because there were things in the sea that would eat us. And really the name stuck for me. I make the drive a part of my day when I have the time after my meeting.
Like in some of my earlier posts I wrote about how I get kind of funky sometimes.... Well this morning I was getting kind of funky so I decided that I was going to go on my God Drive and I really am glad that I did.


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Location:Scenic Rd,Carmel,United States

You can Learn Alot.

Tonight I have been having one of those evenings that I know God is talking to me.. and for the first part of it I really wasnt listening.. not hearing a word of it at all.
It all started with something not happening the way that I wanted it to... and I felt like I was owed something. Like I was the one that was entitled.. but thats not the way that it was supposed to happen.. and I was really very bummed about the whole situation...
Then something happened that I really wasnt expecting.. at all. I encountered someone from my past on facebook. Someone that I owed a HUGE amends to.. it was one of those amends that was one of the first that you wrote down on your 8th step.. yeah one of those.
During the last year of my drinking I was a real ass to one person in particular. Actually I was a selfish ass to alot of people, but I was a complete douche to this person. I knew that there was going to be a time in my life that I was going to have to say something to this person because with her I went way over the line... but as an alcoholic, it was a classic case.  To me I was the victim of the whole thing.. and she was the problem. Not the copious amounts of alcohol that I was drinking on an hourly basis... no it could never be that.
I remember when I was sitting in rehab... thinking about all of the shit that had happened.... one of the first concrete things that I can remember thinking was... i really owe her an amends. I was the problem in every situation that I was in.. I was the common denominator... and with her, I had my first evidence....
.
so.. thanks God, for guiding me through my night. Everything happened exactly how it was supposed to..

When you Get Kinda Funky.

I just have to remember that there is someone out there that is watching over me.. and has all of this planned out. It seems that sometimes I get on my pity pot and think about all of the bad shit that has happened.. Then I really take a good look at it and there really isnt that much bad that has happened. When it comes down to it there is almost nothing. It must just be my alcoholic brain that is telling me that there are grey clouds everywhere.
Then I remember that baseball season is right around the corner. I know what some of you must be thinking.... "Baseball, how does that fit in with your life, Rich"
Well it means a great deal to me. It has become a part of my existence really. A vital part of the fabric that has become my life. It gives me something to look forward to daily.
I realize that I have alot of things to look froward to daily. Each and everyday. I just have to remember what there are and I have to have faith..

Faith... without works is dead

I really don't know what I would do without faith. Really just knowing that I don't have the answer to everything is really very comforting.. things would be so much more difficult without it..
Here is a quote that I got from a friend...
"I am learning to shut up more in the presence of God"-Archbishop Desmond Tutu
I thought that it went well for today...

Friends.

How valuable are real true friends. The kind that really are there for you and honestly care for you and your well being. I have people like that in my life.
Today I went and saw one of my closest friends and he gave me an awesome present. A present that will be with me forever. One that I can't lose... A present that is a constant reminder. A reminder that exists as a moment in time.. Tattooed on me for all time.
It's a pretty awesome present.


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It's Really Not About Me

I do know that everything happens for a reason. That is very much something that I do know and that I do respect. Sometimes you wish that it was you that decided what should happen and why. I know that I would fuck it all up anyway so it's good that I'm not.
One of my friends.. actually, my ex-girlfriend, just got engaged. and you know what my first reaction was when I saw the news...I was disgusted in myself for letting her get away.. I shed a little tear. and then turned it into a couple of second of self pity..
I guess that it was my right to feel that way for a couple of seconds.. like i had lost something. Then I just had to crack a pretty big smile.. and realize that it's not really about me anymore. I used to think that it was all about me..
I still have to feel that I missed out on something truly magical. But I know that there was so much between me and that magic. So much that had to be removed for me to even be healthy... but I recovered now.. and my eyes are open...
Im very very happy for my old friend.. thinking about her being happy makes my heart smile.. and thats what life is about.

Don't sweat the technique.

"Make the Difference" : MADSTEEZ from MADSTEEZ on Vimeo.

Shots for Today

Thought for the Day

Just thought that you guys would like this.. from todays Daily Reflections

May I always remember that the power within me is far greater then the fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right path.

Sunset..

The Rewards.

Milestones.

I went to my morning meeting. And got my 2 year chip. I love being able to celebrate things like this in my life. Really positive things. And it's only the beginning. 30 years old and 2 years sober. Sounds good to me.

Two Years and Counting..

So today is my two year sobriety birthday.. this year moved by alot faster then the first year did.. and it was quite the ride.. the second year that is. I wouldnt have it any other way. i started the day off with my morning meeting, and it was the best way to get the day started. I was given a beautiful donut birthday gift with 2 candles sticking out of it.. it was one of the biggest donuts that i have ever seen in my life. I was almost scared of it..
Then after the meeting I went to my recovery house.. where my recovery all started to me.. I consider my sobriety date the second that I first walked into that house. Well the second time that I walked into that house.. . So I got to see some of the people that were in the house right now.. and I got to tell them a little of my story.. and discribe to them that I was exactly where they were 2 years ago. and that they were in the right place..
Then I went to work.. and its where I want to be on this day, because its where I have to practice paticiene. This really wasnt my day.. it was my higher powers day. Thats all that I really needed to know..

I went to my favorite meeting this evening.. the mens meeting that i first went to when i came back into after i went out.. the place that i first really let go and listened to the men around me... the first place that i shut up and listened.. and i heard alot tonight..
i heard how you have to stand up for what you believe.. and take a stand. it was just what i needed..

So here we go into year three... i love being sober. I love living like this.. living and learning from those around me.. every day...

Let's Get this Show on the Road.

So today I have a day off. I am pretty excited about the whole thing... really I am. I love my job, but a day off is quite beautiful. I am heading back up to the City of San Francisco for the first time in awhile.. I am going to be staying with my big sis up there.. So tonight should be a really good night.
Today in my morning meeting we talked about gratitude and where you are now. I felt compelled to chime in and offer my two cents about the whole thing. I described where my life has taken me in the last two years and how much that it means to me.

Its funny sometimes. Somebody asked me a couple of days ago why my life revolves around AA and recovery. This person wasnt in recovery obviously and didnt have any kind of program. To them AA was kind of a burden that you had to graduate from. I have heard from alot of wise people that AA I will never graduate from. There is always something to learn. I don't think that I ever want to gradate from this school of spirituality and nice slow geologic change. I quite nice where I am.. and I love where I am going.

Insanity. Complete Insanity

 So I'm sitting at a local place.. Right by my work.... Sitting at the bar like I usually do. Because that is usually where you get the best service... And Iam getting to listen to all of the colorful conversation all around me. Remembering what I would of been saying if I was in the same place a little over 2 years ago. And how different it is now.
I don't miss washing cocktail glasses very much. I really don't miss the smells at all. Clearing all of the straws and booze soaked napkins out of the sink. I really don't miss it at all.
I'm going to the City tomorrow to see some old friends. And see some old faces. People that are really doing alot of the same old stuff. It helps me remember where I'm at. And how I got there.


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What moves you..

Lately I have been thinking alot about the things that really move me.. the things that make me smile and want to take a deep breath... thanking my higher power for every second.. I know that it has alot to do with the people that you choose to surround yourself with.. and I have great people around me. Like the people that I work with. I work the most intelligent and talented people every single day. No matter what I say about it on a day by day basis.. The job really does move me. I get paid a awesome amount of money to have a positive impact on peoples lives.. and help them see what they never thought was possible..
Today was a really good day.. but there was the sprinkling of the fear in there. Just as there is everyday.. but tomorrow I am looking forward to going to a meeting in the morning.. and being around alot of people that are like me..

This has been in my head all day!

I love it when a song just really makes you feel good.. and thats why we love music.

Now.. Right Now

That is what I have been trying to work on in the last couple of days.. living in the here and now. It is alot harder then it sounds but I am getting alot better at it. Today I am making an effort to live for today.. and come from a place of love and not from a place of fear..
Like most of you guys know I have been going back to my morning meetings again.. and I am so glad that I am. Last week I skipped a day and I wasnt the same for the rest of the day.. The group just starts me off on the right foot and makes me think. No matter how tired I am I know that if I dont go I know that I am not going to be the same for the rest of the day..  The conversation that takes place in my morning meeting is so substantive. It always makes me think.
So today I am going to try to stay in the now.. all day.

Refocus

This is what seems to be the common theme with me. I start to lose focus of what is really important in my life. The things that got me here.. The serious business that I need to take care of for myself. And that is my program. I guess I get easily distracted by others that I care about in my life. I never ever intend to do it in the beginning because it always seems like everything is working out. But as time goes by.. I start to drift a little.
So I started to go back to my morning meeting. You know the one that pretty much was the story of my first year. Well it has been almost 8 months since I walked in that door.. And I have been going for 3 days now. My day is just so much better if I go to a meeting in the morning. I just have to get centered and on the right page. The people that go to that meeting have so much to say... And I have alot that I need to listen too.
I'm kinda over the whole bummer mood that I have been in over the past couple of days. I just really don't like hurting someone that I care about.
But I'm here.. And I'm refocusing.


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Location:Monterey Peninsula Recreational Trail,Pacific Grove,United States

this sucks.

Sometime things have to be done for your self that are going to hurt someone that you care about. Even if it makes them think that you don't care about them.  The last thing that I want to do in my life is to hurt someone else.. but sometimes it happens.. It has happened to me in my recovery. When I think back on those times I know now that it was for the right reason and that it needed to happen. The timing of everything just want right and it was my Higher Power's will that it happened..
Some things in life are not fair.. and it tears me to the core.. the blame here lies with me.. and me only..

The New Home...

Last night was my first night in my new house. I slept there last night before my roommates.. it was a really great feeling to wake up in the new space because it has so much more light then my old place had. The old place really looked like it was right of Boogie Nights with the shag carpeting and the wood panel walls.. It made the place so dark and really left the room lacking. I really never thought of it as home because it really wasnt.. It just didnt have that feeling.. a feeling of familiarity that a home is supposed to have..
I got a promotion at work. One that I have been working for.. for a long time. And it feels really good. I finally feel like I have an adult job. At least thats what my brother says...
Overall.. I am moving right along. I feel that things are moving in the right direction. Things in front of me are very bright..

Playing the Tape all the Way Through.

So this is what I had to start my day off with today. A feeling of freedom that I enjoy these days.. Wondering what I would do without it. Sometimes I feel like I am and progressing.. and then there are some days that I think that i am regressing. Like I'm at the same place that I was before, with the only exception being that I'm not drinking.. Yesterday I had a pretty big craving for alcohol after I left work. I wrote about some of the other stuff that had happened that day.. but I really didnt write about the craving that I had.. It was very real. It was the normal everyday reaction that I would of always had back in the day.. alcohol fixes everything. I was driving down the main street in my town... it was pretty late.. on a Sunday.. pissed off and Sunday.
I played the tape out to the end.. and I knew where it would of led me. Right to the end. So that didnt happen.
God provides me with exactly what I need. Because I really have no idea.

A Day for the Ages..

Today was one of those days.. and I don't really know why. It really started off just the way that any other day would..  I had somethings that had to be done around the house.. Oh, did I mention that my roommate and I are moving. Yes we are moving.. we have been in our place just about a year..and the owner of our house is selling the house. Thats how God wants it.. thats how it goes.. Today was a moving day... so I got  to hang out with my roommate's family.. they were helping us move all of our stuff and I was very thankful for that.. but its what happened when I was in the process of going through some of my old stuff that was to shake the first part of the day.... I looked down on the ground.. and was looking right at a little unopened baggie of fucking cocaine. I couldnt believe it.. i stared at it for a long second, and I kept telling myself that there was no way that it was what i thought it was... but it was. I promply flushed it right down the toilet. And went along with my day.. but I had no idea just how a bag of coke got into my room. I dont even remember the last time that I bought cocaine was.. I think that right at the end of my drinking i was trying to buy cocaine from someone..  but there it was... and now, its gone..
Then after that I was just in a pretty negative mood, I could feel alot of fear just building around me. And I tried to say a prayer, for God to take it away from me.. I let it go.. but then took it right back later in the evening while I was at work. I let some things just get to me, all of the same feelings of inadequacy were right there. They really didnt feel that good. I felt uncomfortable, I could feel my face getting red and hot.. and I just wanted to leave. I got the chance to and i did. Now I am writing this in my blog and I am feeling a bit better.
Lately the fear has been creeping in.. and I am almost to 2 years. i think that I should be going to a meeting tomorrow.. very much so. Thanks everyone for being part of my strength and part of the solution. Because there is a solution today..

the Rain is coming.. I can feel it.

The rain i just on the horizon.. its supposed to be pouring for the next week where I am. I am looking forward to it. I usually do. I love the changes that come with the weather.. This just change right in front of me..
These last couple of weeks I have been preparing for a couple of big things that are going to be taking shape in my life.. and the only reason that they are happening.. because I am sober. I took a pretty big step yesterday in my journey.. and I said a nice prayer before I went in to do it.. and I knew that my God was right there with me.. I could feel it..  something big is coming.. and I am glad that I am here to see it.

Another chance. Another Way

I remember writing something while I was on my way out of treatment for the second and "i hope" final time... it had something to do with being able to finally be who i was meant to be.. without all of the other stuff that was involved...now I am standing here almost 2 years later wondering how the heck I ever did it that way for so long... but it had to happen that way, for me to really appriciate all that I have right now. That was the way that it had to go.. and I am really glad that it did..
This week I am doing some preparing for some really major things in my life... well I think that they are major, but in the grad scheme of things they really arnt that big.. because no matter what happens I know that I am exactly where it is that I'm supposed to be.. and thats all that matters. SO Im just going to put it all out there and see how it goes..

All the Rage..

Hello there everyone..
I just wanted to share with you guys this picture... I havent seen it in a very long time... it showed up while I was cleaning out my car today...
Thought it was pretty funny... I'm all the rage with the older crowd..

So I have had two days off.. and it has given me sometime to just sit back and relax.. stop for a second and smell the roses..
back to work tomorrow.. I'm in in for the home stretch..

Hopes and Prayers

So here we go with another year. A new decade. This is the decade of my 30's... And like I've said before I'm pretty happy about that. I can't wait for this decade... Because it's my decade. Well really it's everybodys decade... I wish the best for everyone... And unlike the last new decade, I don't have ill will for anyone. I have to remember not to get caught up in the future or the past but in what's going on with me in the here and now. I know some people that are going to be bringing a new life into this world in the new year. I know alot of people that don't have a job in this new year. I know some people who are right back in the cold this year... I remember where I was at 2 years ago... And where I am at in this new decade. I am very glad to be here.

Always Learning..

Its almost the end of the year.. and its not like any that I have ever had before. I just got back from a meeting.. just like I do on every other Wednesday night... and I just have to stop for a minute and really just sit back... and be thankful for the year that I have had... looking at the end of the year with perspective..
I have learned more this year about myself... learned more about what used to drive me, and what still drives me a little bit today..
I learned this year that I have to let things go... and that God has a plan for my life.. and it is not my right to know that plan. Right when I thought that I had some things figured out God would send a really slow driver right in front of me.. always giving me those suttle hints trying to teach me something. Always something to learn... Always something to work on.. Im a huge fan of "Progress not Profection." Because it always used to be about the perfection...
I am grateful. and when I am not grateful... I can be grateful that I am not where I used to be...
So there is a day left in 2009.. a day left in this decade. One more day until a new decade in my sobriety...

It's Getting Closer.

The holidays that is.. I have been working for the past couple of weeks almost non stop... but its ok because I love my job and I work with really good people... but no matter how much you love your job and how great the people are, you have to get away sometime.. and my time to get away is going to be on thursday night. I am going home to see the family and enjoy christmas. Very different then it used to be when I was going down there to give the family their dose of me for a little while.. just so I could try to deny my alcoholism and get back home so I could drink like I wanted to ... I always remember my first stop when I was coming back into my hometown, and it of course was a bar. That is so fucking insane... that is what it used to be about. the entire holiday season used to be about getting it over so I could drink like I wanted to..
Now its different.. and I am alive. I get to enjoy my family. That is what I am on this planet for.. to live, laugh, and love...

Ups and Downs.. but this, is beautiful

Today is a really good day.. and don't ask me why. I just feel it in the air.. and I can just see it all around me. Even though it is really very early, I know that things are straight today. I have a chance to just keep this ball rolling...there is alot of light at the end of the tunnel, but there is also alot of light around me..
This whole thing just amazes me.. I was talking with another person in the fellowship yesterday while I was at word and we were comparing stories... what had happened and what was happening now, and how we are both just amazed.. day in and day out there is just a light about it. I know that I have said it alot lately, but I know now that everything is going to be alright.... and that there is no more hopelessness. I can remember that feeling and I never want to go back to that.. walking my ass to a bar to get right at 6am... now I just have to ask God to get me right... and thank him for another day of sobriety..

All Part of the Plan.

I know that alot of you guys can relate... so help me out here for a second. Have you ever had something that were counting on.. (unrealitic expectation)... not come through for you. You have done everything in your power to get yourself to that point only to have things change when you get there. You have an idea of how its supposed to be... and others have told you that that's how its supposed to be.. but when you are finally there.. after all of the waiting, hard work, and compromise... things change right out from under you. Some that are close to me relate it to being tested... and the ones that crash and burn are the ones who were weeded out.. the old me would just say to heck with it. and leave. but thats not who i am.. and thats not what I am about. .. and thats why I got myself into so many bad places... that i thought i was right in..
but when its all said and done.. I am grateful that I am at where I am at.. and I know that its all a part of the plan.. thank God that I have a program. I don't know what I would do without it... I know what I would do.. I would retaliate and fuck everything up.. and thats why I drank.
So I have to look at my part in all of this.. thats what I have learned in all of this.. where is it that I am at fault.. I know that they are there.. its really funny how I just did my fourth step... then shared it with myself, God and another human being.. comes at just the right time...
So I know that this is all a part of the grand scheme of things..

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul

Hey there all...
Just went and saw a movie on my day off from work. It's called Invictus and it stars two of my favorite actors of all time.... Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon. I have been wanting to see this movie for a really long time. I have been really interested in South Africa and Nelson Mandela for awhile... The man always has been an inspiration for me.. The movie is about the South African Rugby team and the 1995 World Cup.. and how Mandela and the teams captain move to unite the country behind the team.
In the movie.. Nelson Mandela shares a poem that gave him inspiration during his 27 years of imprisonment .... It really moved me. So Im going to reprint it here.. I think that you will like it.. I do. It is a real inspiration to me.. being where I am at in life.. and what I have been through to get there..
I heard a really good friend say at a meeting last week about having his first baby... that he just is enjoying being where he is at.. the love of the journey and not so much the destination.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley 


Hope that everyone is doing good.. Talk to you soon...

Yea me

Sometimes there are people that have alot of years.. And they have
nothing that I want. Like really.. Not a damn thing. Some of these
people I feel really sorry for... Then again there are some that are
sicker then others. And I will pray for them.
I am right now.
I went to a really large birthday meeting tonight. There were 800 or
so people there. And all I could think of when I was looking at all of
these people was how "at home" I was. I am really glad that I am part
of this club. Very happy to be sober.

Think and Ask

Hey there everyone..
So after the last couple of days I have come to the conclusion that whenever I get into my own head and take things into my own hands... I fuck things up. Seems like its an old behavior pattern.. I feel that I used to do it alot more.. but I used to do it with alot more ego involved.. like I thought that I was always right and that everything really revolved around me. Now.. I am a little more mindful of other people.. but I still manage to screw things us..
I think that I need to bounce things off of other alcoholics and see what they think before I do really stupid shit. Think and ask before I act.

So I have a couple of really big days coming up.. Like this Saturday I am going to the Bay Area with my sponsor and going to a really big birthday meeting. Did I mention that I love birthday meetings.. I really love birthday meetings.  On the way up there we are going to do my 5th Step. Finally.. you say. Yes Finally...after being sober for almost 20 months... I am finally doing a 5th Step with my sponsor. I will let you all know how it goes.
Well... have a great day today.. I made a book that have alot of pictures of my life during the last 19 months... i am going to be giving it to someone special.. and on the last page.. basically the back dust cover i put in this.. its a blog entry that I had at the beginning of this year..

\Sprinkles.

learning.

It is so hard to hurt someone that you really care about. It used to be so easy for me to hurt people.. because thats the kind of person that I was. but now.. I am not like that anymore. My heart hurts and everything is thrown around. I am just trying to remember that everything happens in God's world for a reason.. and I am right in the middle of it..
I have said it over and over to myself today... But for the grace of God, Go I
Thats exactly how I feel today... I am but a passenger on this journey.. I have no idea where I am going. but I know that there is alot for me to learn along the way. I am learning alot today..

Everything Around Me.

I am really getting to love the holidays.. I have always really loved this time of year. but it has been for different reasons.. any excuse to drinks with friends and be merry. This year I am going up to the Bay Area and hanging out with my big sister and her husband. They make the best dinners ever... so i am super excited this year.
Something else recently happened to me... I changed my sobriety date. No I have not relapsed. but I realized that something was wrong when i was looking at some old pictures on my computer.. and saw that one of the pictures was dated Feb 24, 2008 and I was in a bar. That was the last time that I had a drink. I asked a friend of mine that was there the first day that I was in treatment... and she said that I was in her office at 8:30am on Feb 26th.. 2008. So there it is... my new sobriety date. Not like it really makes that big of a difference. But it does to me.. I just want to get it out there and be honest about it..
Well... I will be taking pictures. I hope that everyone out there has a great holiday.. especially my blog friend Sarah.. you deserve it lady.

Not Much New To Report.. except this.

Just another day in sobriety.. another bad typing day.. another day of hitting the delete key over and over and getting a little frustrated about it.. but I guess that it's Gods way of telling me something. Maybe that I should slow down just a little bit..
A little tired right now.. I was doing alot of talking while I was at work today.. I was sharing alot today.. my mouth was moving for all 8 hours.. and I never really knew just how much energy that took out of me..  but it took alot from me.. but in the end I felt really good about myself...
One thing that I really enjoy about my sobriety is that I get to feel good at the end of a day... and I dont have to feel bad... oh so very nice.

Balancing Act. Amazing

I just wanted to share this with you guys.. I really loved legos when i was younger.. but this is ridiculous

today

Today is inspirational for me.. I don't know why and I dont really care. All that I know that I feel this way and I never used to.

Memories..

Ok everyone.. This is one of my favorite people in the world... Nick Buzanski. This is the newest ad for Green Apple Books on Clement Street in SF. My old neighborhood... I miss these guys..
Ah.. the old days of going into Green Apple to look at the cute book chicks and spend way to much money next door buying DVD's that I would never watch. Its not a good idea to buy stuff when you are drunk.

Good Morning America... How Are You?

Hello there everyone. Just hanging out at my local coffee shop getting ready to get on the road again. This time I am going back to So Cal to get some dental work done. This is the kind of thing that I get to do in soberity.. Take care of myself.
Today is a whole new day. Different then the one that happened yesterday. I have the ability to start my day over if I want to.. That is a really big thing for me these days..
I am very happy to be here today.. and I am looking forward to this years holiday season more then I ever have before.. even more then I did last year... check this one out.

so here we go on another adventure. Heard from a really good friend of mine a couple of days ago... thinking that they may want to go to their first meeting.. makes me feel good...

An Experience that Ill never forget..

I love being in the right place at the right time.. seems like I always used to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.. but that really has changed in the last 20 months or so.
Today I went to a local middle school and hung out with the kids for awhile. I was invited to talk to the entire school about my experience with alcohol and drugs.. and all of the stuff that comes with it.  I have known about this for awhile now so I really had time to think about it... and that probably wasnt the best thing for me.. today when I got up I was going over everything in my head.. and then I thought of it as if I was going to share in a AA meeting. With a different audience.. a very different audience..
I got to talk to alot of kids.. sixth, seventh and eighth graders about things that are really effecting them on a daily basis.. and if it wasnt effecting them yet, it was going to in the future. I really just forgot about all of that thinking and planning that I had done before speaking and just shot from the hip.
It was a very very memorable experience. and it is something that I will never forget. something that I will never forget is questions that these kids asked. Right to the point and really no holds barred. I was impressed..
Its just another example of the awesome things that I get to do because I am sober. Another beautiful day in sobriety...
Its a really awesome thing that Jake Glazier and all of the teachers at CMS have done. I am really stoked that they let me come and hang out with them...

News Story about my aloha homies.

So Easy I do forget..

It is really easy for me to forget what it is that I am doing here. I am here to do work.. and that is the choice that I made almost 2 years ago. And there is sometimes that I forget just how deadly this whole thing is to us. But tonight I had one of those moments that really slapped me in the face. and it always has to do woth a newcomer... someone that is fresh and new.. beaten and broken.. with that look in their eyes.. the thousand mile stare... looking out onto us.. for help.

That is the reason that I am here. to help others.. to stay sober and help others t achieve sobriety..

Im super stoked.. tomorrow... I get to go speak to an assembly of middle schoolers... about drugs, alcohol, and choices.. this is what i signed up for.. yeah... 

Its a Good Day...

Today is a great day... and I can feel it. It is different then any other day that I have had before.. and I know that you ask why..Why is this day so much different?
Today is my 30th birthday... and I am sober and alive. Never thought that I would ever be sober on my 30th birthday.. If you would of told me on my 25th that I was going to be sober at 30... i would of laughed my ass off..
but here I am. 30 years of age.. looking at the years in front of me with complete awe and wonder. I like feeling this optimism. I used to wonder what optimism felt like. I tried to manufacture it with outside things never know that all that I needed was inside of me the whole time. I was the one that had to let it out. I was the one that had to let it be seen by all... and most importantly myself.  i love what I see...

another complicated day... or is it.

Just getting up and looking around.. just thinking about how fortunate that I am to be alive and to be in the place that I am at. Went to my favorite coffee shop in my hood and all of the people there like me and don't want me to leave. That is a really nice feeling.. that people like you and want you to stay in their establishment. Yesterday was a pretty big day..I had it off and I really did nothing, except nap and putz around on my computer.
I sat on my back deck last night.. and looked at my world in front of me and I smiled, because I knew that everything was going to be alright. That I was on the right path and I was exactly where I am supposed to be.
Day by Day things seem complicated at first.. then I remember that I have God. and then it seems alot easier.

I just love this..

I am Glad that I have this..

This really is a way to live.. that is really the main thing that I have gained over the past 600 days of sobriety... thats right I have 600 days today.. I remember when I first heard someone say that this was a design for living. I didnt know what that meant.. but it made me curious. I thought that I had a freat way of living all along.. thinking that everything was really alright.. then the wheels came off of the thing..
The reason that I give this entry the title that I did is that I really AM glad that I have this program.. because I dont know where I would be if it wasnt such a major part of my life. I think that I would be drunk or even worse... dead. Today was a pretty hard day at first.. I woke up and I was really out of sorts. I didnt know which way was up. Thinking about alot of the things that have happened in these 600 days and for some reason a dark cloud settled over my head... and I was off to work. Work is a place that I cannot afford a black cloud over my head... so what did i do. I relied on my higher power.. and I said a prayer. For him to take it.. and he did. the rest of the day went very smooth like.. and when I could feel myself getting a little crooked.. i just looked outside and closed my eyes... and said a prayer..
i am glad to be here.. and I am glad to be alive. and sober. love you all

It Could be the Little Things.

It really is the small things in life that are the best. I would have to say that I have been looking forward to this day the most out of any day on my entire trip...and this is something that I would of never of wanted to to before. Unless there was alot of alcohol involved.
Last night i was up at Grant Park in my hometown.. and i was talking with my brother about what Ventura means to us.. and how he wants to raise kids here.. I was thinking that it was a really great place to live. Now I really didnt have Ventura to high on my list during the last 11 years or so.. I really is just because of the place that I was at in my life. I always thought of it in such a bad light. Well I don't anymore... its a good place for family.
I am glad that I am here with my family...

I'm on the train.

I'm on the train.

Moving away from my current home. Going to my very first home... The
place where I grew up. The place that I knew first.. And the place
that I tried so damn hard to get out of. And really for no reason. It
never really did anything to me. It was just the teenager in me.
Growing up right next to the beach was never really a bad thing. I can
say that I took it for granted. Going to high school about a mile from
the beach.
I just never wanted to go in the water. It never really appealed to
me. Now it does and I wish that I would of started earlier.
So here we go. Just like my trip to Portland.... This is a vacation
for me. A vacation for my heart and for my soul.

Back to the Hometown

Tomorrow I leave on a train for my hometown.. I havent been down there in a little bit, but I am really excited to go. To really just hang out and see my family. See what they are doing and really just to be with them..
It a whole new world with my family back in my life. They were really never that far away.. I just made them that far. I was the one that put up the wall between us. It was a really big and tall wall...
They were always right by my side when I needed them... when I really needed help they were right there. I will always be thankful for that...
So for the next couple of days I will be posting things from my childhood.. and from the world that is Ventura, California.... some of my favorite places that i havent been to in a long time...

the Moments.

I just saw this... and it really struck me. The day to day things that we just roll right over and forget. We just move on to the next thing. I forget to take the moments for what they are... they are my life. 
I have been reading a lot about Positive Psychology recently.. and it really is amazing me. I never new that the study ever existed.
I am going to be mindful today. Taking everything in and trying not to take anything for granted..
Have a great day everyone 

times. like these

I have used this title before. but today I knew that I had to use it again..
One of my really good friends just had their first child.. a true miracle.
Its not enough that my friend and his wife are miracles in their own right but their baby... that is a true testament to what can happen to you in this life..
Things like that had never really even crossed my mind before.. well they did.. but it was always followed with the thought of how i would fuck the whole thing up. Now I can think about it in a different way... like some day I will be able to be right where my friend is.. I have always wanted to be a father.. it has always been a dream of mine..
So one day.. its going to happen. I know it is.. and that is something that I would of never of been close to if it wasn't for all of this happening..

Yesterday