Risk

What are you willing to take a chance on right after you have been hurt? 

When I listen to all of the lovely friends around me give their opinions... I hear so many different things. Like I should take time to find myself or that I should just go for it and put myself out there. 

What choice should I make?.. or is there really a choice in it at all. I usually go with my gut when it comes to things like this. If there is something that is so amazing in front of you.... then you should take the chance because that amazing thing might not be there when you decide that you are ready for it. 

How do you decide that you are ready for it anyway? Is there a moment in your life maybe a year down the road when you just stop yourself and say.... I'm ready.  Now I can venture forth and do what I need to do for myself. 

I am all for trying to find out who I am. I am very aware that this is an essential part of the human experience. Is there some reason that i have to do that by myself. Is it necessary? Who said that it was a necessary thing to be by myself to find myself?

I am more a part of the school that wears their heart on their sleeve and gets it knocked off once in a while. I don't just throw around my love to anyone.. there has only been a select few. When I do find someone who is like no one that I have ever come across before... you can be damn sure that I am going to take the chance.... because that chance may not come again. 

Chances

When is it the right time to take a chance again? When there is something that is really wonderful that is right if front of you? Even though you know that it might not be the right time for you or for that person... ?
Sometimes things just happen and you would feel a whole bunch of regret if you would of never tried.

I have been hearing a couple of schools of thought on the whole subject. One is that you need time to heal and to really figure out what it is that you want for yourself. Then there is the other that says that if there is someone that you feel that connection with right in front of you then you need to take that chance because it might not be there later.

I have always been in the school of thought that you have to reach out and grab things with both hands. .. and hold on tight because thats what life is all about.  In those cases you go open yourself to getting hurt.. because you really never know what is going to happen.

I would rather say that I put my heart out there.... and was honest with my feelings and communicated that with an open heart...  I do know that things happen for a reason. I have learned that it really is not my place to question the reasons that things happen... its just to know that I am loved.... and things will happen.

Sometimes just not knowing is the hardest part.... As a friend of mine says "its the ambiguity that kills us"....
When you get a better idea of what is going on you can get a little closure and your heart can move on...

i fucking love tom petty...
there is a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song for every situation.... Learning to Fly is perfect right now.

Just Breathe...

Sometimes I just think that I have to write everything that I feel because i think that is going to be the healthy choice... sometimes I write from a place or fear or a place of pain.... and it may hurt someone else in the process.
I know that writing what I feel out onto a piece of paper is a good thing for me. I have the evidence to prove it. I have done it in the past and it has helped me to get to this place....

I have experienced a range of emotions in the last couple of days that has stretched from the very top... down to a place of fear and anger.... I am happy today that I can feel those feelings and process them without having to medicate. That is a much different place then I was at a couple of years ago.

I am happy that i am alive... and that I know that i deserve beautiful beaming love.

Music is Everything.

Right now its all about the music for me. It is one of the things that has gotten me through alot of the rough patches.

I am on a Post-Rock kick right now because it really just makes me feel positive. The sound is intense and just feels like a wall to me. It is driving and just makes me want to keep on moving forward. That is what I need right now is something that is going to help motivate me.

This is a band that I have just discovered. They are from Sweden and they kick ass.

Explosions in the Sky. Mind... prepared to be blown away

Hey everyone..
So here is Explosions in the Sky. If you have never heard of them... then you are welcome. They have meant a lot to me since I got sober..  This was one of the first shows that I ever went to sober. It made me remember what it was like to really get taken over by the music. Music that really shakes the very foundation of everything that you are. I hope that you like it... even if you don't, you have to give them props..

Happy sunday everyone. and Explosions.. I will see you on April 16th.

Never Expected.

Sometimes there are things that happen in my life that I would of never expected. They just come by and hit me in the side of the head... really just come out of no where. I really can't explain whey they do what they do.. but I know in this sober life of mine these are things that I really should just expect to happen.
After all... I know that everything is happening to me for a reason. I know that somethings are good and somethings are not good... but they are happening to me for a reason. That is life.
I have been turned on my ear in the past week... and I will explain what is going on later on to you all.. but what I do know is that this is good. It is something that I would be a fool to pass up..

Things that I don't need to understand.

I had a really great holiday. I got to see my family and all of the great things that happen when I am with them. I drove almost 800 miles over the course of 3 days, but it was well worth it. The drive was really nice because it gave me a chance to thing about somethings.

There has been a lot of things that have been going on in my life over the past couple of months. Major things have happened to me.... and I am just trying to get somethings sorted in my head. Long drives with great music help... sort things out. 

One of the awesome things that happened while I was down there was me seeing my best friend from high school. There are very few people that I keep in contact with from my days at Ventura High School.... let alone communicate with on a regular basis. Joe is the exception to this rule... we have been in contact pretty much constantly since we graduated high school. He is one of those people that I don't think I will ever not be in contact with over my lifetime. When ever we talk, and we haven't talked in awhile we are right back with each other... like we never missed a beat. He is getting ready to go around the world helping to do good. He is going to be building schools, teaching english, ministering... pretty much anything that needs to be done, he is going to do. Thats the kind of guy that he is. He gave up a really high paying job just to do something that is meaningful. Thats awesome. 

The other thing that is on my mind tonight is something that really throws me off.... Something that really perplexes me. Someone in my past that I love very much decided a couple of months ago just to stop talking to me all together... and I really don't know why. We were in communication with each other and everything was seeming fine, and then just one day.... it stopped. I know that she is ok because she is active on social networks and the such.. she just doesn't want to talk to me. Its just really strange to me, because it has never happened to me before. No one has really ever stopped taking to me all together.... ok, maybe there is someone else out there that doesn't talk to me. I know that I did something wrong with that situation... and i made a amends. 

Well everyone.... thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.
Oh yeah....today is 1400 days clean. 1400! Wow that is nuts. This time 4 years ago I was in a coma... times and attitudes change.... 

No One has the Right.

Ok people.. I have to say that I have not been the biggest Lady Gaga fan in my life... but I do have to say that there is something to be said for artists that use their celebrity for something that is good. I really don't have any patience or tolerance for anyone that bullies someone for the way that they are. When I was in high school I was bullied... but not because I was gay, but because I was small.
I have to admit that when I was in high school I hadn't been exposed to many different people. I was living in a town in Southern California.. and my head hadn't been cracked open by San Francisco yet... I didn't know the difference.. There were a couple of gay kids that were in my high school and they were picked on mercilessly by people in my school. I really wish that when I was younger I would of been one of the people that stuck up for them.
Well... here is a pretty awesome performance by Lady Gaga... she is singing about Jamey Rodemeyer.. a 14 year old that committed suicide after years and years of bullying. Here is a link to a story about Jamey
Good Night everyone...

Beautiful Everyday Feeling

Today was another incredible day in San Francisco. It seemed like I got a lot done today. I had the day off and I wasn't going to waste it just hanging out in bed. I decided that I was going to go out and about and live a beautiful sober day in the City that I love.  One of the great things that I get to do these days is look at this beautiful thing almost everyday on my way to work... I took this picture and it is one of the best pictures that I have ever taken. It pretty much captures many of the things that I love about this bridge.. The people, the fog... and most importantly... the feeling.

Saw an awesome movie...

Its called "The Way"
I really like it because of the way that it makes me feel about life... The time that I have, and the time that I have spent. Following and loving with my heart.

The Way - Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: St james, Munich

Check it out here...The Way

Thought this was perfect.