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Thursday, February 7, 2013
directions
Sometimes you are ahead.. and sometimes you are behind, but the road is long. Thank God for that. Today I got a tripod and it has taken this new passion of mine to a whole new level of creativity. It is so crazy to me that I have tapped this new found creativity inside of me. It is something that I always thought that I just didnt have.
I have had a tendency to just shut things off without fully investigating them before I shut them out. It feels like I have always done this. The fear of failure is something that I have always been scared of. If I am not the best at it then I really do not want to play.
Well, I have been really trying to change that in the last couple of months. I have been trying some new things and I have been putting myself out there. I have even been writing more on this here blog. I think that I have written more in the past 2 months then I have ever written before in a month.
It feels good to have this outlet. It feels good to have the ability to move through these things. It's really all that I can do right now. I know where I am supposed to be going and I am moving in that direction...
I have had a tendency to just shut things off without fully investigating them before I shut them out. It feels like I have always done this. The fear of failure is something that I have always been scared of. If I am not the best at it then I really do not want to play.
Well, I have been really trying to change that in the last couple of months. I have been trying some new things and I have been putting myself out there. I have even been writing more on this here blog. I think that I have written more in the past 2 months then I have ever written before in a month.
It feels good to have this outlet. It feels good to have the ability to move through these things. It's really all that I can do right now. I know where I am supposed to be going and I am moving in that direction...
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Cable Car goes out. #sanfrancisco #muni #cablecar #californialine #longexposure #love #sfcitylife
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Cable Car Comes in. #cablecar #muni #sanfrancisco #transit #californialine #worldclass #love #style #grace #sfcitylife
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The F Goes By. #longexposure #downtown #sanfrancisco #sfcitylife #sfcitynites #love #beautiful #transit #muni #Fmarket #theslot
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Traffic. #longexposure #downtown #downthemiddle #theslot #marketstreet #love #sanfrancisco #mycity #sfcitylife #ferrybuilding
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Sunday, February 3, 2013
She is ready. Well maybe in an hour. #niners #superbowl #dogsofinstagram #richmonddistrict #sanfrancisco #540club #nfcchamps #love #sfcitylife
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Game Day. #niners #sfunite #gameday #superbowl #beautiful #love #sfcitylife #marincounty #questforsix #nfcchamps
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This town is ready. #sfunite #sfcitylife #niners #superbowl #love #marincounty #westside #questforsix #neworleans
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The Company that we Keep
Another day in this beautiful life of mine. I am headed in a positive direction and I love how it feels. I was talking to someone tonight that is in the same headspace as I am. Those are the types of people that I am trying to surround myself with.
I just wanted to check in with everyone. If you are getting something out of this blog or have been following it for a long time please let me know by commenting on some of my posts or you can send me an email at thesociety@me.com.
I hope that everyone is having a great night....
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Beat That. #sunset #sunsetdistrict #sanfrancisco #oceanbeach #sfcitylife
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Friday, February 1, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Adventures Await...
I am going to take a class tomorrow about something that is very interesting to me. Really it doesnet matter what the class is all about its really about getting out there and doing something that I want to do. There has always been a lot of fear that has surrounded doing things like this for me in the past.
It really would only take the smallest thing for me to just shut down and not experience something new for myself.
This year has been really good to me so far. This is only going to make it better... another experience that I can build on. I will let you all know how it went tomorrow.
All over the place. #longexposure #testing #photography #sfcitylife #selfie #ios #camranger #mac #apple #ipad
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Neons. #sfcitylife #sanfrancisco #downtown #unionsquare #neon #style #old #oldschoolsanfrancisco
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Downtown Cocktails. (Not mine. Don't worry) #downtown #sanfrancisco #bars #oldschoolbars #beautifulbars #sfcitylife
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The Building formerly known as 54 Mint. #somebuildingthatiusedtoknow #downtown #sfcitylife
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Monday, January 28, 2013
Whole Hearted.
So this is what I wanted to do with my day. Just take a second and record something that really speaks to my heart. Something that really makes my heart just smile.
I spent the greater part of the day in a doctor's office answering questions and getting tests ran on me. The entire time that I was in the doctor's office I knew that I was going to going downtown and take some pictures of the sunset against the skyline of the City. I had the spot picked out because I had gone there before but did not have my camera to record what I was seeing. I had my phone but it just was not good enough. The picture above was taken without a tripod. I have not idea how I kept the camera still.
I have somethings on the horizon that I have been thinking about for a long time. These feelings of purpose that have been at the back of my mind. They just had not taken form yet. I know that there are big things ahead. I can't tell you about them yet because I have a fear of telling people about my big plans and when I don't follow through people thing that I am just talk.
I am more then just talk. I am going to speak with my whole heart.
Oh.. and if you have not see in this TED talk from Brené Brown you really should. I will talk about it a little bit more in the future.
Lines. #ferrybuilding #downtown #embarcadero #sfcitylife
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Amazing. Wonderous. City. #sunset #sfcitylife #embarcadero
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Better and Better. #sunset #baybridge #prettybridge #sfcitylife
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Out over the water. #sfcitylife #sunset #downtown #embarcadero
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Grey Lady. #baybridge #sunset #embarcadero #downtown #sfcitylife
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Have you ever just wanted to........
Quit your job and just be without a job for awhile.
I know that there are people out there that would think that I am crazy for even thinking about this. There are so many people out there that do not have jobs or are having a very hard time finding them. I understand this. I have been working really non-stop since I was 15 years old.
I have a friend that saved up a bunch of money and then just quit her job because it was not moving her forward in life. It was not adding anything to her life except the paycheck and a headache. She was in the same business that I am in. Just talking to her was very inspiring to me because I see so many people around me that do just that. They can just change things on a whim and move in another direction. I know that I am that kind of person. I know that there is something else that is out there for me when it comes to making my living.
I have another friend that used to be a bartender in San Francisco and is now photographing weddings and travel layouts for big magazines in Vietnam. How cool is that? These are people who are following there passions.
Then I think to myself.... at least I am starting to explore some of these things for myself. I have started to progress and do things that I have always wanted to do but was always to scared to do.
Part of me is very comfortable where I am right now because I can live how I want to.... and then the other part of me knows that there is something richer out there for me. Something that I would never ever experience in my comfortable world.
Tonight just got my mind thinking and moving. I love that. I love hanging out with people that are thought provoking. Those are the kind of people that I want to be around.
I love my friends... and I love my life.
I know that there are people out there that would think that I am crazy for even thinking about this. There are so many people out there that do not have jobs or are having a very hard time finding them. I understand this. I have been working really non-stop since I was 15 years old.
I have a friend that saved up a bunch of money and then just quit her job because it was not moving her forward in life. It was not adding anything to her life except the paycheck and a headache. She was in the same business that I am in. Just talking to her was very inspiring to me because I see so many people around me that do just that. They can just change things on a whim and move in another direction. I know that I am that kind of person. I know that there is something else that is out there for me when it comes to making my living.
I have another friend that used to be a bartender in San Francisco and is now photographing weddings and travel layouts for big magazines in Vietnam. How cool is that? These are people who are following there passions.
Then I think to myself.... at least I am starting to explore some of these things for myself. I have started to progress and do things that I have always wanted to do but was always to scared to do.
Part of me is very comfortable where I am right now because I can live how I want to.... and then the other part of me knows that there is something richer out there for me. Something that I would never ever experience in my comfortable world.
Tonight just got my mind thinking and moving. I love that. I love hanging out with people that are thought provoking. Those are the kind of people that I want to be around.
I love my friends... and I love my life.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Just a couple of things.
This is the place where I get to air things out... right? Well that is what this whole thing started as... a place for me to stretch my wings out with. This is a place for me to be honest about the things that are effecting my sobriety and most importantly of all.. my sobriety.
I went to the hospital today for something that has happened to me before. Something that I first experienced when I was really young. It happened in the middle of the night when I was awoken out of bed to my mother screaming at the top of her lungs. I had no idea what was happening but I found out later that she was passing a kidney stone. I never forgot the pain that was present in her voice that night.
Well, fast forward to me just about one month ago when I experienced my very first kidney stone. It was really small but it was one of the worst things that I have ever experienced before. I remember thinking that I hoped that I wouldn't have to experience a bigger one. I did not want to feel the way that my mom did. I do not do very well with that kind of pain.
I woke up this morning and that feeling of pain was back again. I decided that I was going to urgent care but really did not know if I was going to make it to the hospital in my car. I was not doing very well but I ended up making it.
What I am trying to get at is that I was prescribed pain-killers for the first time in my recovery. I have done what I was supposed to do. I told the doctor that I was someone that was in recovery and that I used to have a problem with things of this nature. I was so afraid of the pain coming back that I took the prescription. I talked to my sponsor about it and I have put it out there to the world. That is all that I really wanted to do here.
In other news... while I was walking through the hospital I saw a woman coming down the hall in a wheelchair with a brand new baby... and that baby was screaming! I though that it was one of the most amazing things that I had seen in a long time. No matter what I was feeling at that moment in regards to my pain I just had to acknowledge the true beauty in that moment.
I went to the hospital today for something that has happened to me before. Something that I first experienced when I was really young. It happened in the middle of the night when I was awoken out of bed to my mother screaming at the top of her lungs. I had no idea what was happening but I found out later that she was passing a kidney stone. I never forgot the pain that was present in her voice that night.
Well, fast forward to me just about one month ago when I experienced my very first kidney stone. It was really small but it was one of the worst things that I have ever experienced before. I remember thinking that I hoped that I wouldn't have to experience a bigger one. I did not want to feel the way that my mom did. I do not do very well with that kind of pain.
I woke up this morning and that feeling of pain was back again. I decided that I was going to urgent care but really did not know if I was going to make it to the hospital in my car. I was not doing very well but I ended up making it.
What I am trying to get at is that I was prescribed pain-killers for the first time in my recovery. I have done what I was supposed to do. I told the doctor that I was someone that was in recovery and that I used to have a problem with things of this nature. I was so afraid of the pain coming back that I took the prescription. I talked to my sponsor about it and I have put it out there to the world. That is all that I really wanted to do here.
In other news... while I was walking through the hospital I saw a woman coming down the hall in a wheelchair with a brand new baby... and that baby was screaming! I though that it was one of the most amazing things that I had seen in a long time. No matter what I was feeling at that moment in regards to my pain I just had to acknowledge the true beauty in that moment.
Friday, January 25, 2013
The Slot. #marketstreet #downthemiddle #49ers #paradecountry #sfcitylife #questforsix
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#49ers #ferrybuilding #sfunite #sfcitylife #questforsix
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The Bridge is Lit. #rad #sfcitylife #sfcitynitelife #prettycity #prettybridge
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Look Ma!! Twin Peaks.. No Jacket #shirtsleeves #beautiful #sfcitylife
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Pictures. #landsend #mycitylife #mylifeinpictures #sfcitylife #dayoff #ilovethistown #lauracastleberry
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Thursday, January 24, 2013
Never gets old. #transamerica #pyramid #financial #sfcitylife
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Nothing says San Francisco... Like a late night Cable Car ride. #onlyinSF #sfcitylife #mycitylife
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Lit Stairway. #sfcitylife #unionsquare #downtown #rollingaround
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The world is at my feet. #sfcitylife #asiseeit #photooftheday
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Sunday, January 20, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Vacant Dome. #downtown #ilovethistown #beaurtallaround #sfcitylife
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Sunday, January 13, 2013
Life Decisions. Big and Small
So.... I had the most amazing time with my friend Joe yesterday. I don't even know where it is that I want to start, but it has to be somewhere.
Every time that I talk to this guy I leave the encounter completely inspired and energized. That is the way that I want to feel when I leave my friends and the people that I love. There are the people that I want to surround myself with.
As I am getting older I realize that I really do not have time for the people that will not bring this to the table. I just don't have time for it.
Ok... got a little off of the subject that I started to write about in the first place. We talked about what effect that we want to have on this world.
He told me that he had figured out an amazing way to think about work.... he calls it "fundraising". I think that this is brilliant. We are basically fundraising for the important things in our lives that can have maximum impact on others by working. I am in love with it.
Here is another song that is just blowing my mind right now.
Every time that I talk to this guy I leave the encounter completely inspired and energized. That is the way that I want to feel when I leave my friends and the people that I love. There are the people that I want to surround myself with.
As I am getting older I realize that I really do not have time for the people that will not bring this to the table. I just don't have time for it.
Ok... got a little off of the subject that I started to write about in the first place. We talked about what effect that we want to have on this world.
He told me that he had figured out an amazing way to think about work.... he calls it "fundraising". I think that this is brilliant. We are basically fundraising for the important things in our lives that can have maximum impact on others by working. I am in love with it.
Here is another song that is just blowing my mind right now.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Lets go NINERS. #nlfplayoffs #sfcitylife #540 #donttrythisathome
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Friday, January 11, 2013
Friends for Life
Today is going to be a good day. I am going to hang out with my friend Joe. We have known each other since high school and I am really excited to see him. Do you have one of those friends that you know that you will be in touch with for the rest of your life? When you do see each other it is like no time has gone by since your last meeting. That's the way that it is with us and I really don't have too many people that I can say that about.
He just we around the world and did a whole a lot of good for a lot of different people. Here is a link to his blog about the entire trip.
http://joewishon.theworldrace.org
Its going to be a good day to just catch up with him and talk about what he has gone through.
I have a whole lot of respect for him for the decisions that he has made. Doing things based on heart and not the pocket book. I am trying to move closer to that and I think that I have made a whole lot of progress.
Here is a song that has hit me right between the eyes and I wanted to share it with all of you. It's another one from Moonlit Sailor. Enjoy.
He just we around the world and did a whole a lot of good for a lot of different people. Here is a link to his blog about the entire trip.
http://joewishon.theworldrace.org
Its going to be a good day to just catch up with him and talk about what he has gone through.
I have a whole lot of respect for him for the decisions that he has made. Doing things based on heart and not the pocket book. I am trying to move closer to that and I think that I have made a whole lot of progress.
Here is a song that has hit me right between the eyes and I wanted to share it with all of you. It's another one from Moonlit Sailor. Enjoy.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Great Reminders come on Post-it's. #sfcitylife #reminders
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One word comes to mind... Love. #sfcitylife #loveislove #marriageequality #ilovethistown
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I will NEVER spill my Philz. #coffeeisking #sfcitylife
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Monday, December 24, 2012
These Are The Time
These are the times. The times that I remember how it used to be and I am very thankful for what I have. I am so glad that I have learned the importance of gratitude in my life. It is the foundation for so much of the way that I see things. I can look at something and almost all of the time I can see the positive side in it. I guess that I can see the glass half full.
Right now it is Christmas Eve and I am all alone in my room. Just thinking about all of the gratitude that I have for my life right now. Earlier I was feeling myself slip right into a bad place but I was able to get myself out of it. It is getting easier to do that as time has gone by since my break up.
Sometimes I think that I might just be being way to public about the way that I am dealing with the whole situation. Really, I think that is the right way for me. Sometimes I feel that nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan about it anymore.... but my friends are more then that. They are there for me through thick and thin... or atleast most of them are.
These are the times that I remember and am grateful for my friends and my family. Well... it's time to start my second movie of the evening. It's called Polar Express and I have heard that it is a great holiday movie.
Merry Christmas to all of those that are reading this.... and to all of those out there that are still suffering... I offer my love and prayers for you. I hope to see you soon and share some of my hope with you.
Right now it is Christmas Eve and I am all alone in my room. Just thinking about all of the gratitude that I have for my life right now. Earlier I was feeling myself slip right into a bad place but I was able to get myself out of it. It is getting easier to do that as time has gone by since my break up.
Sometimes I think that I might just be being way to public about the way that I am dealing with the whole situation. Really, I think that is the right way for me. Sometimes I feel that nobody wants to hear me bitch and moan about it anymore.... but my friends are more then that. They are there for me through thick and thin... or atleast most of them are.
These are the times that I remember and am grateful for my friends and my family. Well... it's time to start my second movie of the evening. It's called Polar Express and I have heard that it is a great holiday movie.
Merry Christmas to all of those that are reading this.... and to all of those out there that are still suffering... I offer my love and prayers for you. I hope to see you soon and share some of my hope with you.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Music is Everything.
Right now its all about the music for me. It is one of the things that has gotten me through alot of the rough patches.
I am on a Post-Rock kick right now because it really just makes me feel positive. The sound is intense and just feels like a wall to me. It is driving and just makes me want to keep on moving forward. That is what I need right now is something that is going to help motivate me.
This is a band that I have just discovered. They are from Sweden and they kick ass.
I am on a Post-Rock kick right now because it really just makes me feel positive. The sound is intense and just feels like a wall to me. It is driving and just makes me want to keep on moving forward. That is what I need right now is something that is going to help motivate me.
This is a band that I have just discovered. They are from Sweden and they kick ass.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
One Door Closes.. Another One Opens
So that was it. That was the end of that entire chapter of my life. It was a chapter that I though was going to last a whole lot longer. I wanted it to last forever. Things are not what they seem. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of being comfortable.
I think that I was really in love with that idea. Someone to be there for you for the rest of your life. Maybe its just too good to be true. No.... its not. It is out there somewhere.
Today I was feeling pretty good about the closure that I had experienced the night before. I was not feeling really good about the way that the entire thing ended. I said somethings that I really should not of said, but I just really wanted them to be said. I think that it was just my heart lashing out. It was a place of power that I had not felt since the whole break up. I felt that I was moving backwards when I did that. I felt that I was going back to some of my old behavior patterns.
I had a long talk about it when my sponsor and I have gone to a couple of meetings and talked about it. It is something that I am really not to proud of it and I do not think that I will have the opportunity to make an amends to her.
What I do feel really good about is the notion of being by myself for awhile. I really have not had the opportunity to get to know myself in the last couple of years. I have not been alone and right now I am very alone.
Today was a new beginning. Things are looking very bright. I am going to leave you with an amazing poem that I have carried close to my heart for the past couple of nights.
"Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness followed by sunshine."- Rumi
I think that I was really in love with that idea. Someone to be there for you for the rest of your life. Maybe its just too good to be true. No.... its not. It is out there somewhere.
Today I was feeling pretty good about the closure that I had experienced the night before. I was not feeling really good about the way that the entire thing ended. I said somethings that I really should not of said, but I just really wanted them to be said. I think that it was just my heart lashing out. It was a place of power that I had not felt since the whole break up. I felt that I was moving backwards when I did that. I felt that I was going back to some of my old behavior patterns.
I had a long talk about it when my sponsor and I have gone to a couple of meetings and talked about it. It is something that I am really not to proud of it and I do not think that I will have the opportunity to make an amends to her.
What I do feel really good about is the notion of being by myself for awhile. I really have not had the opportunity to get to know myself in the last couple of years. I have not been alone and right now I am very alone.
Today was a new beginning. Things are looking very bright. I am going to leave you with an amazing poem that I have carried close to my heart for the past couple of nights.
"Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness followed by sunshine."- Rumi
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Small Victories
Sometimes it just takes a little. Sometimes it just takes a little bit to make me feel like I have had a good day.
I have had a lot of not so good days lately, so today I got a small victory. I can't really describe what it is to you in this blog but lets just say that it is something that elevates a lot of anxiety from my shoulders.
Tonight I am going to be celebrating by posting this video... but really it is this song that I want you all to hear. I have been getting into a lot of post-rock lately. It is music that makes me very happy and makes me feel inspired.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thankful
Today I am very thankful for my sobriety... I am so thankful that I am here and that I have the ability to love.... that I have a heart that has the ability to love.
Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.
I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.
I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.
I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.
Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.
Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.
I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.
I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.
I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.
Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Prayer
The power of prayer has become very evident to me over the past couple of weeks. It was something that I really was not doing before very much on my own. It was only happening when there was some kind of pain that was evident in my life.
Well lately, like you all know, there has been some pain that has come into my life and I have been moved to start up my praying about it. All that I know is that it is feeling good when I am trying to give up all of this.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
We Go On and On.
Another day... another feeling and another way to cope with it.
I love my friends for taking such good care of me during this time.
I have to try and fill up all of my time because of this whole thing. It seems to me that time alone is my enemy. I have somethings that are in the works that will help me address this.... and hopefully give me a whole new perspective on myself. More to come.
Went to a friend's show at a local bar and have had this song in my head for the last couple of days.
Hope that you all enjoy it. Check out their other stuff too.
I love my friends for taking such good care of me during this time.
I have to try and fill up all of my time because of this whole thing. It seems to me that time alone is my enemy. I have somethings that are in the works that will help me address this.... and hopefully give me a whole new perspective on myself. More to come.
Went to a friend's show at a local bar and have had this song in my head for the last couple of days.
Hope that you all enjoy it. Check out their other stuff too.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Want to Know a Secret.
It;s so very amazing just how my Higher Power works in my life. I can never really get my head around it but I know that it is what is supposed to be happening.
A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about my early sobriety... and just what it all meant to me. The way that it made me feel and the things that it made me do to keep it. That gift of desperation that I had was the very thing that vivid and sharp for me. For me, now and then, to drink is to die.
I was thinking of ways that I could recapture that urgency that I felt then... but there really wasn't any way to do that short of taking a drink. There was no way that I was going to do that.
Well, my Higher Power just gave me exactly what I wanted... and I didn't have to take a drink.
This works in so many mysterious ways. I can never even begin to grasp what my Higher Power has in store with me. I do know that it is going to be a very wild and interesting ride. As if it hasn't been already.
A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about my early sobriety... and just what it all meant to me. The way that it made me feel and the things that it made me do to keep it. That gift of desperation that I had was the very thing that vivid and sharp for me. For me, now and then, to drink is to die.
I was thinking of ways that I could recapture that urgency that I felt then... but there really wasn't any way to do that short of taking a drink. There was no way that I was going to do that.
Well, my Higher Power just gave me exactly what I wanted... and I didn't have to take a drink.
This works in so many mysterious ways. I can never even begin to grasp what my Higher Power has in store with me. I do know that it is going to be a very wild and interesting ride. As if it hasn't been already.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Start from the beginning.
So today is where the healing will start from. This is the day.
I am going to have to grieve a bit though... so maybe the healing has not started yet. No matter what I think that today was a very big step for me.
I said goodbye to the person who I was in love with. I am still in love with. It will take me sometime to not be able to say that. This person meant so much to me that everything that I was envisioning for myself in the future revolved around her. That may not be healthy... but it sure is warm and comfortable. I really like the way that it felt too.... Knowing that someone was there for you and had your back.
Well things can change in that way... and when they change, the change can show you what is really important in my life. When all of this came down on my head tonight I started to get text messages from all kinds of friends in my life. That made me feel warm and comfortable in a whole different way.
Someone that I have met and hang out with a couple of times sent me something that really hit me hard... I will share it here.
“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown
I am going to have to grieve a bit though... so maybe the healing has not started yet. No matter what I think that today was a very big step for me.
I said goodbye to the person who I was in love with. I am still in love with. It will take me sometime to not be able to say that. This person meant so much to me that everything that I was envisioning for myself in the future revolved around her. That may not be healthy... but it sure is warm and comfortable. I really like the way that it felt too.... Knowing that someone was there for you and had your back.
Well things can change in that way... and when they change, the change can show you what is really important in my life. When all of this came down on my head tonight I started to get text messages from all kinds of friends in my life. That made me feel warm and comfortable in a whole different way.
Someone that I have met and hang out with a couple of times sent me something that really hit me hard... I will share it here.
“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.” Author Unknown
It is exactly what I need to hear... and I think this is exactly where I am supposed to be. It is a very uncomfortable place, but it is where my life is taking me.
So I will go to bed.... very emotionally exhausted and with a throughly broken heart... but knowing that this is what the start looks like.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Hit Hard
Today I have been hit really hard. There are so many questions that are just riding around in my brains. so many things that I want answered. Even if they were answered I really don't think that it would matter.... but thats what I want.
Today was the first time that I really cried about the whole thing. You would think that I would of cried when it was happening... but I think that I was more in disbelief. It had come out of no where and I had no idea that it was coming.
I feel like I am going crazy, I have to remember that I have to breathe.
When I was drinking, there were somethings that would really scare me. They would scare me half to death... and it was a reason that I would drink more.
One thing that really scared me was time, and the other was sleep.
Time scared me because it was all that I had and I hated being alone with it. So I drank and then I would pass out and that would help me waste time.
The second is sleep... or really the lack thereof. I used to hate that I would not be able to fall asleep. I would have to drink so that I would pass out.
Some of those same fears have come back to haunt me right now.
One thing that I keep thinking about is the commitment of the whole thing. You choose the words that you speak. You choose the things that you are going to say to someone else... and those are the words that are part of how they will feel.
All of a sudden, those words just don' mean anything anymore. Like they never did.
Thats how I feel right now. I am calming down a little. I have to go to a meeting tonight.... or I think I might explode.
Today was the first time that I really cried about the whole thing. You would think that I would of cried when it was happening... but I think that I was more in disbelief. It had come out of no where and I had no idea that it was coming.
I feel like I am going crazy, I have to remember that I have to breathe.
When I was drinking, there were somethings that would really scare me. They would scare me half to death... and it was a reason that I would drink more.
One thing that really scared me was time, and the other was sleep.
Time scared me because it was all that I had and I hated being alone with it. So I drank and then I would pass out and that would help me waste time.
The second is sleep... or really the lack thereof. I used to hate that I would not be able to fall asleep. I would have to drink so that I would pass out.
Some of those same fears have come back to haunt me right now.
One thing that I keep thinking about is the commitment of the whole thing. You choose the words that you speak. You choose the things that you are going to say to someone else... and those are the words that are part of how they will feel.
All of a sudden, those words just don' mean anything anymore. Like they never did.
Thats how I feel right now. I am calming down a little. I have to go to a meeting tonight.... or I think I might explode.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
The End of Day One. Back to Basics
Its so crazy to me how when I am comfortable and things are all good I really drift away from the program. I guess that I think that I have something to substitute for it. When the going gets tough and I really need it, it's there.
I know that when all else fails I have my program as my foundation. I went to a meeting tonight and heard from some people who were going through some similar situations as I am. they may neot be the exact situations, but they involve the same feelings. Its always great to get another perspective on things.
Someone said to me, "Do something for yourself." The really funny thing is I have that tattooed on my arm. It was something that a very good, old friend and I have tattooed on ourselves. Today I went and did a little retail therapy, and bought a new hat. It is something that I like to do to make myself feel better.
I have no idea what is going to happen with this whole thing. I don't know where it is going to end up, but I know that I am going to get there.
I know that when all else fails I have my program as my foundation. I went to a meeting tonight and heard from some people who were going through some similar situations as I am. they may neot be the exact situations, but they involve the same feelings. Its always great to get another perspective on things.
Someone said to me, "Do something for yourself." The really funny thing is I have that tattooed on my arm. It was something that a very good, old friend and I have tattooed on ourselves. Today I went and did a little retail therapy, and bought a new hat. It is something that I like to do to make myself feel better.
I have no idea what is going to happen with this whole thing. I don't know where it is going to end up, but I know that I am going to get there.
Day One. Start Your Clocks.
So today is day one of my life without her.... and the day has started off really pretty crappy. Last night I was feeling pretty motivated about what was going on with my life. I was looking at it as something positive that I could build on.
Today has started and it is a much different story. Its like when you get kicked in the balls, and you feel fine for about 30 seconds... and you think, this isnt that bad. Then it really hits you and you are on the floor. Thats how I feel right now.
I just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. That is really a lot easier to say then do today because I really feel as though my trust was betrayed. I feel like I have been taken to the cleaners with this whole thing.
Last night, well early morning.... I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was having dreams, but I would wake up in the middle of them and then not be able to go back to sleep for a while.
I know that this is supposed to get better with time... but this is day one, and it really sucks.
Today has started and it is a much different story. Its like when you get kicked in the balls, and you feel fine for about 30 seconds... and you think, this isnt that bad. Then it really hits you and you are on the floor. Thats how I feel right now.
I just need to put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. That is really a lot easier to say then do today because I really feel as though my trust was betrayed. I feel like I have been taken to the cleaners with this whole thing.
Last night, well early morning.... I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was having dreams, but I would wake up in the middle of them and then not be able to go back to sleep for a while.
I know that this is supposed to get better with time... but this is day one, and it really sucks.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Punched in the Gut.
Wow. Have you ever just felt like you have been punched in the gut. Not by a fist.... but by another persons actions. Well.... that is what has just happened to me. Someone that I though that I was going to build a life with has just broken my heart. This just happened, just about 20 minutes ago. So this is all still pretty raw.
Thank God that I have my recovery and sobriety. Thats all that I can think of right now. Lessons that I have learned in the rooms are coursing through my brain right now. I can just see peoples faces and hear other peoples words right now. It almost like when people that are in the military say that their training just kicks in... and they are on auto pilot. Thats how I feel right now. Auto-pilot.
I know from what have learned in recovery.. that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know why I am here... but I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and it sucks. I know that my higher power has a plan for me... and that plan is way better then anything that I could of designed.
One thing that I have learned, just in the last couple of minutes is that I will try not to rest on my laurels with the next person who gets my heart. I will not just sit by and think that everything is alright... when there may be some communication that is necessary.
I know that I am going to feel the range of emotions over the next couple of weeks... and I know that I will be writing them down here. It is the one place that I have always been able to express myself... and air out my feelings.
One thing that is really amazing to me is how tired that I have gotten... just over the past couple of minutes. It really takes a toll on me.... I will talk to you all soon.. stay tuned.
Thank God that I have my recovery and sobriety. Thats all that I can think of right now. Lessons that I have learned in the rooms are coursing through my brain right now. I can just see peoples faces and hear other peoples words right now. It almost like when people that are in the military say that their training just kicks in... and they are on auto pilot. Thats how I feel right now. Auto-pilot.
I know from what have learned in recovery.. that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know why I am here... but I know that this is where I am supposed to be, and it sucks. I know that my higher power has a plan for me... and that plan is way better then anything that I could of designed.
One thing that I have learned, just in the last couple of minutes is that I will try not to rest on my laurels with the next person who gets my heart. I will not just sit by and think that everything is alright... when there may be some communication that is necessary.
I know that I am going to feel the range of emotions over the next couple of weeks... and I know that I will be writing them down here. It is the one place that I have always been able to express myself... and air out my feelings.
One thing that is really amazing to me is how tired that I have gotten... just over the past couple of minutes. It really takes a toll on me.... I will talk to you all soon.. stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I have to have Faith
There are times that I forget what it is that I have been through... and I sell my self short. Sometimes when I am in a little funky mood, like today, it takes doing some step work to get me outside of myself.
This is something that I really didn't want to do because I feel comfortable when I am in that place. It is warm and comfortable. I know that this is not the place that I want to be at for long because it breeds darkness for me.
Now I know how to get out of that darkness and I don't have to wallow in it. I was watching a movie tonight in which the maine theme of the movie was Faith. It was something that I have not thought of in long time. It is something that should be essencial to my day-to-day life really. The faith that I do not have all of the answers and that there is something out there that has much grander plans then they ones that I have for myself.
I have to remember that... i have to have faith.
Below is the video for the song that really inspired me to write the post before this one. It always makes me think about how lucky I am to have what I have right now.... which is so much.
Oh yeah... so I am going to be writing more in this blog, because it has always been a place of comfort and therapy for me. I am going to be writing more things about my life today and what interests me and the things that I support and love.
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