Whole Hearted.

So this is what I wanted to do with my day. Just take a second and record something that really speaks to my heart. Something that really makes my heart just smile.

I spent the greater part of the day in a doctor's office answering questions and getting tests ran on me. The entire time that I was in the doctor's office I knew that I was going to going downtown and take some pictures of the sunset against the skyline of the City. I had the spot picked out because I had gone there before but did not have my camera to record what I was seeing. I had my phone but it just was not good enough. The picture above was taken without a tripod. I have not idea how I kept the camera still.

I have somethings on the horizon that I have been thinking about for a long time. These feelings of purpose that have been at the back of my mind. They just had not taken form yet. I know that there are big things ahead. I can't tell you about them yet because I have a fear of telling people about my big plans and when I don't follow through people thing that I am just talk.

I am more then just talk. I am going to speak with my whole heart.

Oh.. and if you have not see in this TED talk from Brené Brown you really should. I will talk about it a little bit more in the future.

One Door Closes.. Another One Opens

So that was it. That was the end of that entire chapter of my life. It was a chapter that I though was going to last a whole lot longer. I wanted it to last forever. Things are not what they seem. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of being comfortable.
I think that I was really in love with that idea. Someone to be there for you for the rest of your life. Maybe its just too good to be true. No.... its not. It is out there somewhere.

Today I was feeling pretty good about the closure that I had experienced the night before. I was not feeling really good about the way that the entire thing ended. I said somethings that I really should not of said, but I just really wanted them to be said. I think that it was just my heart lashing out. It was a place of power that I had not felt since the whole break up. I felt that I was moving backwards when I did that. I felt that I was going back to some of my old behavior patterns.
I had a long talk about it when my sponsor and I have gone to a couple of meetings and talked about it. It is something that I am really not to proud of it and I do not think that I will have the opportunity to make an amends to her.
What I do feel really good about is the notion of being by myself for awhile. I really have not had the opportunity to get to know myself in the last couple of years. I have not been alone and right now I am very alone.
Today was a new beginning. Things are looking very bright. I am going to leave you with an amazing poem that I have carried close to my heart for the past couple of nights.

"Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness followed by sunshine."- Rumi

Thankful

Today I am very thankful for my sobriety... I am so thankful that I am here and that I have the ability to love.... that I have a heart that has the ability to love.

Tonight I was invited to a friend's family home. It was a great place for me to be because the last time that I was there was about 3 months before I got sober. As you can guess I was a total wreck and everyone around me knew it. The train was just about to hit the wall and the whole world could see that the end of the line was near. I was the only one that was still stuck deep in the denial of it all.

I got to show myself to them... 5 years later. I am a totally different person then I was 5 years ago. I have a capacity to feel and be present. I have the ability to hold a conversation and look people in the eye when I am talking to them. I have the ability to talk about that night 5 years ago and remember it for what it was.... somewhere that I will never forget.

I can go back to that place really quickly too. I just have to do what I was doing before. Not putting one foot in front of the other.... and not doing the next right thing.

I am so thankful for my life today... even if there are hard stretches. That is what life gives me and I am living life on lifes terms... something that I could never do before.

Talk to you soon everyone... its been an amazing day.

Want to Know a Secret.

It;s so very amazing just how my Higher Power works in my life. I can never really get my head around it but I know that it is what is supposed to be happening.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about my early sobriety... and just what it all meant to me. The way that it made me feel and the things that it made me do to keep it. That gift of desperation that I had was the very thing that vivid and sharp for me. For me, now and then, to drink is to die.

I was thinking of ways that I could recapture that urgency that I felt then... but there really wasn't any way to do that short of taking a drink. There was no way that I was going to do that.

Well, my Higher Power just gave me exactly what I wanted... and I didn't have to take a drink.

This works in so many mysterious ways. I can never even begin to grasp what my Higher Power has in store with me. I do know that it is going to be a very wild and interesting ride.  As if it hasn't been already.

Four Years.

Hey Everyone...
So yesterday I had 4 years of sobriety... this last year has gone by pretty fast. I had a pretty great day yesterday with friends...
I started this blog to be an essential part of my recovery. I remember early on in my recovery, like 2 weeks in, I wrote down a list of goals. One of them was to start this blog. It took me a little bit of time to do it... but I did. I am glad that I started it... because it will be a written record of how I felt on any given day in my recovery. My blog posts are fewer and farther between... but they sever the same purpose...  To chronicle the way that I am feeling on any given day.
Yesterday was a good day...

Learn.

Sometimes I really just wonder about Gods sense of humor sometimes. I
know that things are supposed to be happening for a reason and I know
that there is a plan. I know from past experience that I am not the
best plan maker. But damn it... Sometimes it just makes me kind of
mad. I know that I will have my turn.
I am really just trying to learn to trust. Trust in the fact that I
really don't know what's best for me. Damn it's hard sometimes. But
that's how it goes I guess. Live and learn.