Momentous

So yesterday.. when all of the stuff that I have described earlier was going on I got a text from a new friend.... someone who I had never met before but I knew that they were already a friend.

It was someone who was asking for some support and love so that they could get sober. Of all the things to happen to remind me of my primary purpose on this planet... that happened.

To Stay Sober... and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

Yep that pretty much describes everything in a nut shell right there doesn't it. When someone reaches out I want my hand to be there. It was a total God Shot for me... right when I needed it. It would help take myself out of my own head and focus on someone who needed help.. amazing.

I remember when I was trying to get sober.. and the people who's hands were there were the people who were the ones that I would always look to.

I have a really good feeling about this year. I think that there are going to be some major life changing events that fill it. Like they do every year... this one is going to have more of them with even more of them being significant.

There have been many ups and downs this year. Different people have crossed my path. Even a very special one... I don't know what is going to happen in the future and I have no control over it.

Here is to 2013 and what it brought me... who it brought into my life. Here is to the future and all of its blind beauty... it keeps me warm.

Press Start

Thats right.. I am double dipping today.

I had a minor freak out today. It was nothing super major.... alright, it was. You can see a little bit about it in my previous post. I was having somethings happen to me today and I had to express myself about them.

There are things that I know that are good for me.. but at the same time I don't want them to happen because they are going to hurt me emotionally. They feel like sandpaper on my face and I don't want them to happen... but I KNOW that it is the best for me.  Usually this revolves around stopping communications with specific people that I have no business communicating with because there is really nothing good for me to say to them.

Time and space are the things that are most needed... but to do this would mean that I would have to admit to myself that these feelings of pain are immanent.

I really hate feeling pain especially when it comes to relationships. I know that these are the times that make me grow and change.. but they still suck.

Last year at this time I was talking about the same thing as the new year came around. I was talking about how this new year was going to revolve around me.. and it was going to be the ALL ME 2013...  It was like that for a good amount of time.. all the way until April. I am hoping that I will be able to recapture some of that same spirit that made me change as a person at the beginning of last year.

I know that this is possible. Everything is possible in my world. Always was and it always will be.

The pain sucks.. but it is the touchstone for positive change in my life. It has been the past couple of times that it has happened to me.

Plus... Evidently.. I am a catch.

Devastation

It has been a couple of days since my major life event and today has been a REALLY bad day. I really don't know how to explain it.... I have had a couple of good days and then a couple of really bad days...  but today really just takes the cake. I have done everything in my power to make myself feel better today. I had a whole bunch of sleep and I ate this morning.. but that was not enough.

I am so heart broken. so so heart broken. I am trying to deal with it the best way that I can.... but it really sucks and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is not my fault. Its never my fault. There is always some outside force that is effecting me and my heart... and this is no different.

Today started with me waking up from a dream.... and then sitting up in bed. I could not get back to sleep ... or at least it took me a long time to get back to sleep. I just keep going over really stupid tangents in my head.

Yesterday was a really good day. I was doing all of the things that I needed to do... and today is shit.

I know that it will get better.. but i think that it is going to get worse before it gets better.

Thank God for this Blog

Thats all that I have to say....

I dont know where I would be if it I didnt have this blog as an outlet. I have used it on and off for the past almost 6 years as a place to express myself and be heard. Even if I dont get a whole lot of response on it.. I do sometimes. 

I have heard from people though that they have been given advice and inspiration through my words.. and that is all that I want to do. 

Sometimes I just think that I cant talk to anyone and I just want to write it out.. so this is what I do. I have few people that I am close to that I can reach out to and express myself too.... but I find that this avenue is essencial for me.... 

I really appreciate you all being here and reading this for the last 6 years.. it means a lot to me. As you can see I have been through a lot... but I never put my head down. I am always fighting.. I am a professional survivor... just the way that I like it. 

I went to a meeting today for the first time in awhile. I do not recommend taking so much time in between meetings. I dont even want to tell you how long it has been... way too long for an alcoholic of my type. 

It was good to be there. Reminds me that I cant control things.. and when I try to things get messed up. This is not my job anymore.. I have a new employer. My higher power is always looking out for me... and I have to let things go... and let it get handled elsewhere. 

Constructive

I have some big things going on in my life... because that is what I have to do to move my mind in another direction. Or at least just pre-occupy myself with some constructive things that I want to have going on.

That seems to be the way that I deal with things like this. I try to see the good things that I have in my life and concentrate on those.... like taking pictures.

I have made myself a deal... I have been taking a picture every night and I want to do another show... maybe a photo book.

We will see...  but I feel that there is always light at the end of the tunnel I feel.

Ups and Downs

So today has been a whole bunch of ups and downs.... one moment after the next.

The downs have been tempered by talking to close friends of mine about what is happening to me. Thats the way that it is supposed to go though. That is what I have learned through almost 6 years of recovery. It still really sucks though because I hate feeling like this.

The ups have been nice though even though there has not been that many of them. I know that will changed as time goes by. I hate knowing that is true though... that things will get better as time goes by. I know if for a fact because of how many times that I have been through this before.

I am really thankful that I have to work right now... working has been a savior for me because it keeps my mind occupied... and it means that I am with a group of people that cares about me.

Its the little things. Still really sucks though. The future will work itself out.

Slow and Steady

I know that in my instance that slow and steady wins the race. Patience has never really been my strongest suit.

I always want things to happen right now... And in the way that I want them to. That's how I want my life to go. But that's not they way that my higher power has it planned. This has been the story since I got sober. Something is not working out the way that I want it to. Even though... What might be happening is what I know is best. 

I know that the way that I have planned things in my head is not usually the best way... And that I am usually always selling myself short. 

Each and everytime I think that the sky is falling.... But it usually isn't. I'm sober and I am alive. I have a job. Apparently I am "a Catch" according to multiple people. 

There are a lot of really great things that are happening. 

I just have to be patient. 

Slow and steady wins the race. 

bummed. bummed. bummed.

Wow Wow Wow...
Super Bummed right now..
I just want to put it out there to try to take the power out of it but that is the way that I feel. I just had a really major life event happen. Other then my nephew being born.....

There are things that I think about that remind me of her and my heart just sinks for a little bit. I can pull myself out of it after a couple of minutes by just reciting the Serenity Prayer. There are things that I cant control and I have to remember that.

My patience is something that I know is important.... but I just hate waiting. Things happen in my life that I have no explanation for.

I will be fine. I am a survivor.

On the Road

I am leaving pretty soon.... and I can't wait.

I feel like I really need a vacation. A vacation from a lot of things that have been putting me in a less then desirable mood lately. I can't really discuss them here but they are things that should be making me happy and they are not. I think that I just need a little perspective right now.

I don't know what it is but sometimes I just seem to lose sight of the things that are really important to me and that make me happy.

I am going to be taking photos... and they will be uploaded to this thing here.

Diamonds and Rocks

Some days are diamonds.. and some days are rocks.

Thats what the great Tom Petty said in his song Walls and it pretty much sums up the way that I am feeling today. Some days are good and then there are some days that are bad.

Some doors are open and then some doors are blocked. Today is one of those hards days were I feel like I am hitting my head against a wall. There are so many amazing things that are in my life but right now I am just focusing on the things that are hard that are right in front of me.

I know that these things that are hard right now will work out... but right now I just loathe my days sometimes.

Some people might look at my day and then try to compare it to another persons days saying that mine is less significant. Thats really not my deal because I am not into comparing the two. At all.

All that i know is that I am having a bad day.. and that it will get better.  I just had to vocalize it.
Thanks for listening.

Because I'm Awesome

Sometimes I just have to say it out loud.

I really like the person that I am. I don't think that I have always been able to say that. There were times that I really didn't like myself through the years. I have always had a baseline love for myself... but there have been times when I have really hated the person that I had become. I hated the way that I treated people and hated the way that they looked at me.

I knew that they were not really seeing the real me anyway. They were seeing something that was not me. They were looking at me as if I were wearing a  mask. I had a lot of jaded views of a lot of different things. Love and affection were one of those things. I mean I was a lot younger then and a whole lot drunker.. all the time.

Sometimes when I look back on it I just think of all of the lost chances that I had.. with pretty amazing people. That is part of my story and those people have made me who I am.  When I think about those times all that I can really do is smile because.. thats all that i can do. I can't dwell on those times and those choices. I just have to be aware of them because I can try not to make the same mistakes. Thats what life is though...  living and learning. Socializing and interacting with people... having different relationships with different people... making mistakes and making tough choices.

Those are all of the things that have brought me to this time and place. I can look around and say that I may think that i have regrets... but really I don't because I can't imagine my life any better then it is right now. I have everything that anyone could ever want....  life and love.

My gratitude lists are awesome.

Where's Your Soul At?

Brass Tacks

I just thought that I would share this with you. If I have posted this before I am sorry but I think that it just about sums up everything.

Risk

What are you willing to take a chance on right after you have been hurt? 

When I listen to all of the lovely friends around me give their opinions... I hear so many different things. Like I should take time to find myself or that I should just go for it and put myself out there. 

What choice should I make?.. or is there really a choice in it at all. I usually go with my gut when it comes to things like this. If there is something that is so amazing in front of you.... then you should take the chance because that amazing thing might not be there when you decide that you are ready for it. 

How do you decide that you are ready for it anyway? Is there a moment in your life maybe a year down the road when you just stop yourself and say.... I'm ready.  Now I can venture forth and do what I need to do for myself. 

I am all for trying to find out who I am. I am very aware that this is an essential part of the human experience. Is there some reason that i have to do that by myself. Is it necessary? Who said that it was a necessary thing to be by myself to find myself?

I am more a part of the school that wears their heart on their sleeve and gets it knocked off once in a while. I don't just throw around my love to anyone.. there has only been a select few. When I do find someone who is like no one that I have ever come across before... you can be damn sure that I am going to take the chance.... because that chance may not come again. 

Conversations are Priceless

Wow I used to think that conversations were all about me... basically relaying how great I though that I was. I just wanted everyone to know what I thought that i knew....

I don't remember conversations that really had a lot of meat to them. I know that there were a lot of drunken talk about plans that were made... dinners and brunches that were planned that never happened. Sometime we would talk about how we would want to change the world from our bar stool...  but you all know how that goes. Basically there was a lot of whiskey fueled hot air that was coming out of my mouth.

The reason that i am bringing this up right now is because I have had some amazing conversations in the last couple of days with my amazing friend. My birthday was a couple of days ago and I was floored by just how much love that I received... I know how many people out there love me but this was just amazing to me. I totally cried when I got up and say all of the texts and messages that I received.

Most of them were people saying hello and how much they loved be... but some of them were really deep heartfelt expressions of gratitude.  I was walking through the whole day like I was on cloud nine.. It was the best birthday that I had ever had in my life. I know that people say that every year but I cannot remember a better birthday for me.

During the last week I have had some conversations with friends... and new friends that have really shown me just how important it is to have people that you can connect with on a deeper level. I guess as I get old I just don't care about a lot of that surface, chit-chat kind of conversation.

That is what I am striving for in my life these days. Deep connecting conversations....

31 Balboa #muni #richmonddistrict #balboa #sfigers #Sfcitylife #longexposure #lazyshutters

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Sorrow Unmasked

Hey everyone. Here is a quote that I heard a couple of days ago while I was in yoga. I sure do love quotes from people espically when they are inspirational in nature. Some people think that this kind of thing is all sunshine and moonbeams... sparkles and rainbows.  I think about it like this... I feel that these are things that I already know in my heart but I just have not vocalized them yet... and you know what, someone else has.

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.”

-Kahlil Gibran

Big Man. #brothers #muni #life #sfcitylife #sfblackandwhite #blackandwhite #love #family #sfigers #love #instagood #iphonography #igers #iphonegraphy #photooftheday #instadaily #instamood #bestoftheday #noir

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Good for the Soul

Have you ever just had a really great conversation that made you glad that you were alive? It seems that I have had a good amount of those lately and I can't tell you just how much that they mean to me. Really having to think about the major nuts and bolts of life and getting feedback from some amazing people. You all know who you are....

The Boot

So my car got booted. Seriously?! They said that I had 6 outstanding tickets on my car. I tried to dispute the tickets with the guys but that's not their job. They are just there to find and boot cars. 

I was teetering on over reaction... I could just see it. I stopped for a bit and really thought about my part in the whole thing. If I wouldn't of had these parking tickets then they wouldn't be booting my car. So I really could not be that mad. I had to think about it differently. 

I had to take the bus down to the place where you can pay your tickets. First good thing was that this place was open and they allowed you to pay and get the boot off on the same night. I would be screwed if it had to wait until tomorrow. 

I went down and paid my tickets and they were super expensive. Second good thing was that I have the means to pay the tickets. Even if I will pay for them later.... 6 years ago I would of been screwed even more. 

I was getting a little mad when I was paying the tickets and then I remembered that these people were just doing their jobs. Third good thing was that I was grateful that I was not doing their jobs... Because I work in customer service and I understand how hard it is when someone is pissed at you for something you had nothing to do with.

Then as I was leaving... I walked by the sfpd with someone out of their car at gunpoint... Fifth good thing was that I was not getting pulled over with a felony stop. 

I feel a little bit better about the whole thing. It's only money right? This would of wrecked me years ago and I would of been pissed at everyone... Except for the person that was ultimately responsible.... Me. 

Our Business

I always come back to the pure power of recovery.... Of the person that has reached out their hand and offered to that person how is need of help. That person that is scared and is not knowing what to do. All that they know is that they need to be in a meeting. Maybe their friends of family member urged them to go... Maybe they saw the movie Flight with Denzel Washington and could relate to tearing up a hotel room because the mini bar bottles just looked so damn good.

No matter what the reason... Everytime that I see it or am part of that process it makes me feel more alive then amything else. Like that is what I was out on this earth for..... To be there for people, just like there where people there for me. 

Watching someone come in and be so broken right down to the bone... but know that there is hope.

Today I was in a mens meeting... and i had all kinds of my own crap going on in my head. I was really trying to get my head where it should be when i am in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.. in the solution.  The meeting is a Big Book study meeting that goes for an hour. We take turns reading a paragraph out of the book and we go in an order. After a couple of people had read I heard something that completely took me off guard.. and something that I had never heard in a mens meeting before...

I heard a woman's voice reading... I didn't know what to do. I could feel my skin start to crawl because i was uncomfortable. No one in the room said anything and the woman just kept reading.... and then i heard another woman read.  As i thought to myself about what should be happening next i just thought that I would do what I always did in a situation like this in AA. It was something that i learned many years before when I was at my mens homegroup in Pacific Grove... just defer to the men who had more experience and more time then I did. Men like these had taught me how to become a man... so I didn't do anything.

As we finished the reading it was time to share and it turned out that both of the women were in dangerous situations and really needed a meeting. Both had a string of bad days and had not been to a meeting in months. If the men in that room had turned those women away.... who knows what might of happened... but we didn't. I was so proud to be a member of that group today.

Two other men spoke about crazy scrapes that they had been in over the past 10 days... losing jobs and families... and getting arrested. Through it all they knew where they had to be when all of that stuff stopped... and there were men (and women) that were right there for them.

On the Monterey Intergroup's Website they have a really great saying that pretty much puts it all into perspective....

If you want to drink... thats your business.
If you want to stop.... thats our business.

Damn straight. 

The Society of the Second Chance.... 2.0

There has been a lot of things that have happened in the last week that I feel that I have to talk about. I was just thinking about this as I was talking to a very good friend of mine.... I have evolved and so should this blog. My recovery is my life.... but it has brought me so much more now. I want to share that with the world and I think that sometimes I forget that and let fear just take over everything that I do. So here we go...The Society of the Second Chance 2.0.

Above is my very latest shot. I have not even put it on my photography site yet. So you are really the first people to see it. I am a big fan of the over saturation of the colors because it emphasizes my favorite parts of my City... the night and the lights.

This last month has been one of the hardest and most personally fulfilling months that I have ever had in my life. I lost a relationship but I did not lose a friend and that is the first time that has ever happened to me. Usually I am the one that cuts the other person off and just walks on hoping that I do not run into that person for the next year or so..... but this one was different and I am so glad to still have that person in my life..

Usually the month after a relationship ending for me are what I call "Throwaway Months".... because I just go into a place where I will do anything to make myself happy and feel better for that month. Usually what that means is just spending a lot of money on myself and hoping that it will make things better. The month of September was something of that for me... but I went back to what worked for me after the end of my last relationship... and that was concentrating on the health of my mind and body.

I started to work with my trainer again... something that i had stopped doing over the past couple of months....  here is a link to his site.  His name is Tim and he is a bad ass.. yes a bad ass in that he is a martial arts instructor but more so he is a really great person with great energy and that is why I was drawn to him... Peace of Mind SF

I also started doing something else that has had a profound impact on my life in just the last week.... I started going to yoga sessions at Yoga to the People in Berkeley and San Francisco. I have been told by people in recovery and by people that I love and respect that I would flourish with yoga as part of my spiritual practice.... and they were right.  I worked through the fear and just did it and it has changed me. I knew that it would it was just a matter of me walking through it. Once I worked past the fact that I really didn't give a shit about what people thought of me and what i looked like.. I was good to go.

I am getting way to old to care what others think about me... and I think that this break up has really solidified that in me.

Yoga to the People is really great because I do not get the feeling in there that anyone is judging me or that I should be doing something different. Every teacher that I have had over the past week really makes it a point to make sure that everyone feels comfortable in whatever they are doing. No matter what level of experience anyone has... they just want to make sure that everyone is safe.

Check this video out from Yoga to the People... they turned off embedding... so you have to go to YouTube to watch it.



I have also been back in contact with someone who means the world to me. She is someone who i first me while I was in treatment. We meet as she was coming in... and I had about 3 days of sobriety. So glad that we have gotten back into each others lives. We never really went anywhere I just think that it took time and circumstances for us to get back in touch. Thanks to her for lighting a fire underneath me to get back at this blog... something that i have been thinking of for the past couple of weeks.

Well... there you have it. That has been what I have thinking about over the past week. In the next couple of days I will post about A Day in the Life of me right now..... I think that it would be interesting and be pretty good therapy for me too.

Cry Me A River

I hate being an adult sometimes. Sometimes I just want things to go the way that I want them to go. I want people to act the way that I want them to act. 

I guess I am just sore lately because of all of the things that have been going on with me lately... I know that I have no control over those things.. And that is a beautiful thing. 

Sometimes I have to make adult decisions... Or others have to make those decisions for their own good and they effect me. I have to respect the wishes of these people.. But I don't have to like them.  

I know that these things are happening and that they are for my own good. But damn it... It sucks. 

Good Place

Today has been one of those days that I can't explain. I really have no words for.. but I am going to try and put something together.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was just feeling that everything was going wrong. My head hurt and I felt that my heart was not in the right place in my body. I knew what I had to do... I had to say a prayer and see how the day would play itself out.

I posted about my day on Facebook.. hoping to get some sympathy I guess. Sometimes I think that is what I need.... is just a little acknolodgement. I seek these things from other people....

I wrote another blog post... .on another blog that I write..  www.beaconhouse.org/blog and I started thinking about the Big Book and when it gives the example of your daily routine. What you should do in the morning and what you should do when you turn in.

I really don't have a daily routine.. i just kind of let everything go and just let the chips fall as they may. Things are beyond my control.. but I feel that I don't have any idea what is going to happen next. I don't have a lot of skills when it comes to knowing what is going to happen in my day. I know when I have to work and I know when I have to go to school.

I went to Marin and had some coffee and wrote. That is something that I have been trying to do everyday now.. is write about what I feel. A lot like I do when I am writing here.. but it is different. It is more like a journal... and I don't know what it is but I really enjoy the act of physically writing.... and I don't remember it ever being like that before.

When I got home from that... I was in this amazing place. I really couldnt desc
ribe it except for the fact that everything felt right.

I have been reading this book..... called the Untethered Soul. I have only read the first chapter so far but it really made me think..... about the inner dialog that goes on in my head and how that dialog is not me. Disconnecting myself from the dialog is something that I have never thought of before... That realization was something that took me to a really positive place...

I had never even thought of disconnecting myself from that voice.

Things are happening.. exactly the way that they are supposed to be happening and its a beautiful thing.

Life Happens

Hello everyone...

Just thought that I should say hello to everyone and check in. Well.. there have been somethings happening.

Namely.. my most recent relationship has just ended. Much like the way that the last one did... but not as dramatic and much less messy. There was a whole lot more understanding and talking after this one.. and I understand where she is coming from.

What I want to talk about this time is the way that I am feeling right now. How my eyes and mind feel right at this moment....

My eyes are open and my emotions are raw... I am feeling everything right now. My eyes are wide open and my skin is raw. Much like it was when I first got sober. I could feel everything with a magnitude and depth that I had never felt before.

I know that things will be alright... everything will be alright.

The way that I love is that I put my heart out there.. and I make myself vulnerable. I will not change the way that I love....

I think that it is time for a gratitude list.

1. Grateful for my recovery and the life that has come from it. 
2. For the way that I choose to love 
3. Knowing that I can love and that I am worthy of love. 
4. My amazing Higher Power... who has shown me that i am full of love. 
5. My friends.. who are right there for me. Even though they know the routine and this has happened before

Life happens... and I am a fan of it. Even though sometimes.. it really sucks.

At It Again.

It has been quite a while since I have written on this blog..... So am Im back because this is where the therapy is at for me.

First things first.... my brother and his wife are having a baby! They just found out that it is going to be a boy. My brother is my only full blood relative...and I am so excited to meet my nephew. I knew before that it was going to be an exciting thing when they finally did have a baby... but I never knew that it was going to be like this.

It is such an amazing thing that so many others have experienced... family. I really with that I was closer geographically to them... I am going to make an effort to be closer.. especially with the baby.

In other news...

Today I had to make a decision that would effect my future... so I really had to stop and think about it. It kept me up all of last night. I made mental lists and weighed the pros and the cons. I let both sides seep into my heart and just went with what came out on the other side.

I have to say that I am so very content right now. Sitting where I am sitting right now. Many things have changed for me over the past couple of months and all that I can say is that I am so full of gratitude for my higher powers plan. I really could not have done any better... even though sometimes I think that I have much better ideas.

Lastly.. I am going to leave you with this. It is just perfect for me right now.

Things Can Change in a Dime

I know that I have written about this many times before in this blog... but I am constantly amazed at how my higher power takes care of me.. Even sometimes when I don't think that I deserve it or I am not worthy of that love.. there it is, right in front of me.
I guess thats they way that it goes when you have a loving HP in your life. Something that I never had before and I never imagined that I would have when I was in my disease. There was not hope of anything  that was greater then me when I was in the middle of that.
Wait.. I did have a higher power for a longtime... and that was all mighty alcohol. It worked for the longest time for me and then one day it just stopped working for me. That was the day that I knew that this whole thing was over for me and that I better start looking for alternatives.

Things change.. it is the consistant thing in my life.

Reasons....

There are things that happen for a reason... and when they do I don't know why they happened I just know that they happened. I am living the result of them.
People come and go out of my life for these reasons. Sometimes I think that they should go and there are other times that I think that they should stay. Sometimes I think that I have the answers to how these situations should work out....
When it all comes down to it... in my life, there are somethings that I can't explain. I don't want to. Sometimes people come into my life and it just feels right. My heart tells me that what I am feeling is true.... my heart will not steer me wrong. My heart will tell me the direction that I should go.....
The other person that is in that other direction may not be at the place that they need to be to receive me... but my heart is there. and it is trying... and that is all that I can ask.

I put my heart out... knowing the risks that are involved.... but I do it freely....
I am love... and I deserve love.

I have said this prayer many times over the past couple of months... and it is always just right.

God... thank you for what you have given me.
God... thank you for what you have taken away from me.
and God... thank you for what I have left.

Just another day in the life of a recovered alcoholic.... I am so glad that I get to feel this experience and feel these emotions...

Frederick Douglas. #denver #triptocolorado #society

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Sky. #denver #walnutstreet #triptocolorado #society

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Delay. Stupid POTUS. #delay #airforceone #rain #triptocolorado #society

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Chances

When is it the right time to take a chance again? When there is something that is really wonderful that is right if front of you? Even though you know that it might not be the right time for you or for that person... ?
Sometimes things just happen and you would feel a whole bunch of regret if you would of never tried.

I have been hearing a couple of schools of thought on the whole subject. One is that you need time to heal and to really figure out what it is that you want for yourself. Then there is the other that says that if there is someone that you feel that connection with right in front of you then you need to take that chance because it might not be there later.

I have always been in the school of thought that you have to reach out and grab things with both hands. .. and hold on tight because thats what life is all about.  In those cases you go open yourself to getting hurt.. because you really never know what is going to happen.

I would rather say that I put my heart out there.... and was honest with my feelings and communicated that with an open heart...  I do know that things happen for a reason. I have learned that it really is not my place to question the reasons that things happen... its just to know that I am loved.... and things will happen.

Sometimes just not knowing is the hardest part.... As a friend of mine says "its the ambiguity that kills us"....
When you get a better idea of what is going on you can get a little closure and your heart can move on...

i fucking love tom petty...
there is a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song for every situation.... Learning to Fly is perfect right now.

Just Breathe...

Sometimes I just think that I have to write everything that I feel because i think that is going to be the healthy choice... sometimes I write from a place or fear or a place of pain.... and it may hurt someone else in the process.
I know that writing what I feel out onto a piece of paper is a good thing for me. I have the evidence to prove it. I have done it in the past and it has helped me to get to this place....

I have experienced a range of emotions in the last couple of days that has stretched from the very top... down to a place of fear and anger.... I am happy today that I can feel those feelings and process them without having to medicate. That is a much different place then I was at a couple of years ago.

I am happy that i am alive... and that I know that i deserve beautiful beaming love.

Green in the City. #sanfrancisco #downtown #sfcitylife #daysoff #yerbabuena

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Hello Neighbors. #360third #soma #newoffice #downstairs #authentic #sanfrancisco #sfcitylife #sfgiants #igers #instadaily #love #instagramers #igers #instagood #night #clouds #friends #iphoneonly

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More Bus Waiting. #sanfrancisco #downtown #love #igers #instagood #iphoneonly #photooftheday #instamood #muni #waiting #morning #mylife #mycommute #sfcitylife

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1826 days is five years.

When I look back on the last five years the one thing that I know to be absolutely true is that I am an alcoholic... and I will never be cured of this disease. One of the first things that I can remember learning in the Beacon House was that this disease was a chronic one. It was something that I would never get rid of. I learned that the disease that I had was a fatal one. It was always trying to kill me.

"Rich... you are never alone because you are always in the same room with a person that is trying to kill you... don't you ever forget that"... this was something that was relayed to me very early in my sobriety by Mickey P. When I really thought about that statement it made sense to me. I am different and I know that. I am not like the normal people that can just enjoy one drink or one drug. I want all of the drinks and all of the drugs and I want to know where the backup stash is in the house.

This entry into my blog will be published at exactly 8:30AM on February 26th of 2013... exactly five years ago I was walking into the office of my intake counselor Dana at the Beacon House in Pacific Grove, California. All that I can remember about that morning was how overjoyed I was to be getting back into the house. I knew that for me... the House meant safety and it meant relief. I was tired of running and I was tired of living the hollowed out shell of a life that I was living. I was ready to try this again and I was ready to do whatever was necessary to start living my life again.

Drugs and alcohol were the most beautiful thing in my life for a long time. They had done the trick. They had helped me suppress, transplant, substitute or downright avoid my life for years. They were just what the doctor ordered.... Then came the time when they started not to work and my defenses were starting to crack. I started to get scared and figured that the only way to solve this problem was to blame everyone and everything other then myself for my problems.... and to drink more.  When that did not work I figured that the only way out would be suicide but I knew that I would never be able to do it  and I really didn't want to die. I was exactly where I needed to be to do what I knew that I had to do.  The  Big Book describes this in Chapter 11 in a Vision for You.

"Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."


I have this definition of desperation written in my Big Book... I believe that I was given a "gift of desperation" and it is what brought me to the doors of the Beacon House.

"Desperation is the feeling that you have when you are in such a bad situation and have no hope that you are willing to do anything to change that situation"

I was ready to change that situation. It only took being close to death twice in a two month period for me to realize that I had been given this gift and it was mine to receive.

I credit the Beacon House and its staff for helping me to see that there was sunlight out there and that I could feel its warmth. The Beacon House holds a very special place in my heart because it was the place where my life changed. Every inch of my being changed when I walked through those doors and accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and that I needed help. I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of the situation that I was in and I did not want to go back.

I also credit the Beacon House with introducing me to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA would be the vehicle for the change. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have AA. I have gained a new way of living that has become the foundation of my life. It is the way that I think and deal with every situation that I come across. It has introduced me to the most amazing people and has shown me the most amazing experiences in recovery. When I thought that my life was over when I entered recovery it was AA, and those people, that showed me that my life was only beginning.

Now 5 years later I can look back and feel that the best years of my life are ahead of me and not behind me. I know that this optimism and love for life that i have are a direct product of my recovery and that decision that I made 5 years ago to go back in the Beacon House and surrender.

My life has its ups and its downs... but these days I have the choice. It was a choice that I never had before because I was locked in a life and death struggle. I am still in that life and death struggle... but now I have friends that have been through it before with me.... and that is all I need.

Thank you to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Beacon House, my family...... and most importantly... my Higher Power.

This quote pretty much sums up my experience over the past five years....

“Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness is followed by sunshine.” Rumi

My Friend Tim.

What a day today has been....
Today I lost a very good friend. Someone that was very close to me even though I only knew this person for about 8 years. I guess that is a pretty good amount of time now that i think about it....
Really, its not about the amount of time that you know someone but the impact that they have on your life....
This person had an impact on my life. He was one of those people that always made you smile when you saw him. He was one of those people that was living life with zest... When I saw how he was doing it I wanted to emulate that. I wanted to strive towards that.
That is how I am living everyday of my life.. With my friend Tim as the example.... even when he was not in the best mood he was always open to talk to me about it. This was the kind of person that Tim was..
We lost a really good friend today... Someone that I will never forget... my heart never forgets someone like Tim.

Rest in Peace my friend... you are at peace now and you are looking down on us laughing... with that big smile on your face.

Welcome to Treatment

Here is the second part of my story...
As I read over this again I realized that I did not write a third part. Well.... we all know how it turns out. I will see you all on Tuesday.

I am going to post at 8:30am on Tuesday... that is my official sobriety date and time. That was the second that I came back into the Beacon House for the second time. That was the exact moment that I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.I was introduced to the Beacon House the hard way..the same way that
so many others have been introduced to it. Helped right up the front
steps,on their knees, by their perspective addiction. For me...alcohol
was my drug of choice.
I had never even heard of Pacific Grove in my life. Sounded like a
fucking retirement colony to me. But that's where I was headed that
day. Straight up US Highway 101.....to butterfly town USA.
The first thing that I can remember was the fear that was running
through my body as I got out of my aunts car and walked on to that
curved walkway up to those fateful steps. The front parlour will
always have a very special place in my heart because that was the
first place I ever met my counselor. And this was where my initial
assesment was done. To me,on that day, I thought that I was staring
down the barrel of a loaded gun.
This was the first time I ever heard the term "toxic." I was very. .
My body was a stagnent collection pond for all things awful. My skin,
my mind, and my life were yellow.
I had no idea what I was doing, and I needed help. And I would soon
learn that I was in the right place.
I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life, and boy
was I scared. I had no idea who these people were and I didnt know
what they wanted from me.
Prior to going into the hospital I really didnt know what detox was
either. If I would of known what it was theres no way in hell I would
of wanted it. But obviously, that all changed. Thank god.
I would say that my biggest problem (other then my constant intake of
alcohol) was my sleeping patterns. I would drink to sleep.
Correction....I would drink to pass out. Then when I woke up again,
usually in a couple of hours, I would need a few swigs off the bottle
to get back to sleep.
This had created alot of anxiety in my life. Everyday I would think
about what it was going to take, that night to get me to sleep. And it
would rule me.
So from the start...I was in a bad mood. I was in rehab for christ
sake. I didnt have to like being in the present situation. I knew deep
down that this was the place I was supposed to be. So you could say
that I was a little resistant to my treatment at first. I was all
about fighting everyone and everything. I thought that I was a smart
guy. I really thought that I was going to get through all of it...all
on my own. I had all of the life experience necessary to get through
rehab and emerge meraculously cured on the other side.
I was misrable. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. All of my emotions
were on a constant roller coaster ride that I had no control over. I
would cry at the drop of a hat. My only saving grace were the people
that were around me. My constant interaction with other people on a
group level. I had never been through anything like this before.
Sharing my thoughts,fears,pain, and hopes with these people that I had
really just met. These people were to be the basis of my treatment.
I think that one of the many great things that the Beacon House gave
to me was a seed. That seed was called Alcoholics Anonymous. I started
attending the mandatory meeting of AA everyday while I was in the
House. And I really did not care for it at all at first. I didnt like
the people. I thought that all that it really was, was a giant whinner
congregation. People that got together to discuss how much it sucked
that the couldn't " handle" alcohol anymore. What I failed to see then
was how crucial a role Alcoholic Anonymous was to play in the
resurection of my life.
Now..throughout my entire stay at the Beacon House, I had it in my
head that I was going to go back to San Francisco and be able to
return to my old life. Do everything that I had done before....except
not drink. I wasnt ready to let go of my old life. I was going to be
Richie Rich...the powerful and very "sober" bartender. This was a very
deadly fantasy according to all of the staff, my family,friends, and
all that knew me and cared about me. I would show them. I would be
different. I would be able to be in the barber shop and not get my
hair cut.
So...on January 30th, I coined out of the Beacon House. All bright
eyed and bushy tailed with all of the best wishes of the staff. And
with all of the love and support of my house mates.
I was ready to do life the right way....my way. Little did I know that
day that I was going to be coming back up those steps less then three
weeks later. Beaten and broken...with my bushy tail right between my
legs. And time there was no "my way"
This disease is a bitch. A bitch with no cure. A bitch that wants to
kill me. And a bitch that almost did it......twice.
Well everyone. That's the end of part two of the story. My fingers
hurt again..and I like it.

So Many Miracles.

This is the last weekend that I have before my big 5 year anniversary.... So I wanted to share the very first post that I ever made on this blog. The blog that I started a little under 5 years ago. I remember when I had the idea to start writing this blog. I knew that I wanted to do it for a while but there was something that was holding me back. I know now that it was the fear that I had been carrying around with me for so long.

I came to believe in a power that was greater then me. For so long I really thought that I was the ultimate end and beginning of the power. 

I was in my old bar tonight.. celebrating a birthday with a friend and we were talking about some of the old people that were in our lives back then. There are some that I can remember and then there are some that are distant memories that have faded with the time that has gone by. Some people come up in conversation or cross my mind.... and I know now that they too are sober. This makes my heart smile because I know what it has done for me in the past 5 year... so I can only imagine what it has done for them.... 

So here it is... the very first post that I ever made on this page. It was the beginning of everything for me. It was the start of a journey that my heart had to take. I am so glad that I took the first step. 

-Part 2 of this story I will post tomorrow night. 

Thursday, May 15, 2008

so here we go...a first time for everything

Hello everyone...
my name is Richie...everyone calls me Richie Rich..ever since i got out of high school. and the name just stuck to me. like rye bread fungus..it has become part of my identity so to speak..
well...here it goes..
I'm and alcoholic...a huge alcoholic.
and i know this to be a fact..I know 4 things for sure..
1.There is something greater then me..
2. I am not that something...
3. I'm going to die someday...
4. I'm an alcoholic...
so what I'm going to do is use this here blog as a daily sounding board for my recovery. what ever helps me can also help you. for me its all about communicating to other alcoholics and addicts..
I have almost 90 days of sobriety...this is the longest that I have been without a drink in more then 10 years..oh yeah..I'm 28 years old.

here's a little background about me..
I grew up in a city in southern California..Ventura to be exact. had a pretty normal upbringing..well no that's a lie. Lets just say that addiction is a mainstay in my family..my mother and father were both addicts..my mom died sober in February of 2007. and my dad is 9 years clean as i write this..but you all know us...that could change at the drop of a hat. its always that close..
had my first drink at 15 years old...hated it. but thats what everyone that was cool was doing. so i did it also. because i wanted to be cool..high school went by. basically cheated my way through..met a girl. and moved the hell out of southern cali. next stop...beautiful Hayward, California...went to college there. concentrated on hockey and lacrosse and not really on school...
smoked alot of pot...its nor cal. were good for that shit..
one year later...is when my life changed forever...and my heart and mind opened to a whole new world...The City and County of San Francisco.
this is where the story really begins. because it was in The City where is say everything start to unfold...
did some jobs here and there...trader joes..drank beer with co-workers. smoked with co-workers..did cocaine for the first time with my supervisors..
I started to get really interested in the underground music scene in The City. and me being a people person i made friends really quickly..so my life became all about where the next party was. who was throwing it. who was playing. who was going to be there. and how much shit was i going to need. or was there going to be an easy way to get it...and i always had a way..
so drugs were what was going on with me...alcohol was always there but wasn't the dominating thing that i was soon to become...
so i was always out there somewhere...i was known as the person to call to find out about what was going on in The City at any given time. i was also the person to call when you need to particular thing that you needed at that particular time...if you know what i mean. i was always right there in the middle of it.
so i decided that i had had enough of this menial labor grocery bull shit and i wanted to move on to something bigger, brighter, and better. and i needed more money for drugs and booze. and i needed to be the party...so i needed to get behind the bar. bartending was the ticket for me....next stop....party. and i was in charge...
so i became part of a wonderful group of people that i still do this day love and adore...these were the people that were to become my family...
so when the constant drug use started to bite me in the ass and really effect my day to day life...i thought to myself..well screw this..this is taking away from my quality of life. I'm going to stop...and I did. No more cocaine....except every few and far between...blue moon kind of thing. (hey im an addict)
but drinking...that was part of my job...part of my life..social life of the party was i
a couple of years started to go by...i mean fly right by. and there were large parts and details of these years that icouldnt remember...
there were some people that were very close to me that i treated very badly...ones that really loved me. and I always had some problem with them...there was always something...call it my impatient attitude..
my mom was diagnosed with cancer of the liver...after years of drug use and the sort...so what did i do...oh, i just continued everything just as if nothing in the world was wrong...even though i knew that things were not going to get any better really...my drinking was escalating..and i didnt give a rats ass...i was entitled to my booze. it was my right...
this is what i did..i was the life of the party. the center of attention....thats what i did. i drank. that was me...
my mother died Feburary 13th, 2007. and i couldnt handle what was going on around me...but i managed to try to keep it straight. but there were those that were close to me that we starting to be able to see that something was wrong...and i didnt care.
i was the life of the richie rich party...that was me. thats what i did. i drank....
i was starting to be not the richie that i used to be...impatient, abusive, argumentative, brazen,confrontational, not reliable....that was what was starting to happen...
and that was only the mental things....the signs of the immanent demise of my body were starting to come around...
my skin and teeth were starting to get yellow..and i didnt care. i wasnt eating...there was no alcohol in food..thats what i told myself..i thought that was funny...i was not sleeping. or if i was it was for about 3 hours at a time...and then i would need alcohol to get back to sleep...
and because i was so "social"...i would have to go to my local bar...(that opened at 6am) to get me that couple of drinks to get me back to sleep...to get me right.
so my family in The City were starting to get a little worried...i had really created a monster. i was in a really bad relationship that was helping with my panic attacks...which i went to the emergency room for on a couple of occasions..
My family back home in Ventura were getting worried.this included my little brother..his new wife and her family (now my family) and my aunt..they couldnt see me because i was up north but they knew that something was very wrong...i never called. i would go a month without checking in with them...

so the holidays come in the latter part of 2007...and i go home to ventura to visit. i look like total and complete stomped on shit..
i manage to steal wine from my aunt to try to get myself to sleep on christmas day night...the night of the 25th..thats when it came at me with full force...
that night..with my aunt in the room sleeping on the couch, i had a detailed interaction with a number of people in my room...people that i thought were there to do harm to my friends and family. they were as real to me that night as if i was standing next to you having a conversation...my aunt being right there assured me that i was just imagining all of it...but they were there..i was sure of it.
they were trying to kill me...set me on fire. i could feel the flames..and hear them laughing at me...pouring beer on me as i burned....
i think that it was time to go to the hospital.....think that would be a good idea.
next stop...Cottage Hospital in Santa Barbara. my dad had told my aunt that cottage had the best detox program around...
do this is where i have no recollection....none at all. super blackout big time...
i woke up 3 days later....in the ICU at cottage. in four point restraints...iv's sticking out of both arms...in a hospital gown...hooked up to monitors
a nurse came in to check on me...and i said hello...being the nice guy that i am, you know. she asked me if i remember anything about the previous days events...and i said no. i noticed that the nurse had a bruise on her arm...i then learned that i had given her that bruise.
I had become extremely combative when i was brought in to the er...assaulted numerous nurses..doctors and other er staff. i was shocked...i could of never of done that. but i did.
the senior doctor on staff that night...who had been working in the er for 15 years told my family that i had a 20% chance of making it through that first night. 20%....
i had gone through what the same doctor called "the worst case of delirium tremens that he had ever seen" that night...i was on my death bed.
but thats what i did...i was the life of the party..i drank.
well fuck that....not anymore. i was in the hospital for a total of 9 days...spent my new years there...watched the ball drop in time square on a tv room my bed...

next stop...The Beacon House for in-patient treatment...
so thats where i will stop at right now...my hands hurt. im not used to typing this much. but its a good kind of hurt...dont worry ill post again soon...
to be continued....

Perfect. #morning #instamood #light #love #sanfrancisco #sfcitylife #golden #goldengate #bridge #icon #icanseemyhouse #photooftheday

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Will and Life

I went to a pretty awesome meditation tonight and really enjoyed it. This is something that I would of thought was completely foreign only a couple of years ago.... tonight is was just right for me.
After the meditation we went into a discussion on the third step..... giving my will and my life over to a power greater then myself.
A great point was made that I used to turn my will and my life over to something all of the time. Even though I always thought that I was in control. Alcohol and drugs had me completely by the neck... all of the time. It was something that is very obvious to me now but back then it was not very apparent to me.
I have a new awareness that I never had before. Maybe it was because I was able to sit mostly still with myself for 20 minutes. I have to be appreciative of this disease that I have because it has led me to things like I was a part of tonight. It has opened the door to a whole different world for me.

I used to think that quitting drinking was death... but then again.. death is but a door.

Pretty Lady. #goldengatebridge #goldengate #grace #beauty #sanfrancisco #marincounty #fortbaker #daysoff #love #instamood #starfleetHQ #sfcitylife #mylifeinpictures #anythingispossible

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The Range of Emotions.

Today was quite the day.. I would have to say. I have not had a day like today in quite a while. It took me across the entire range of emotions that I could feel. I went from inspiration to dedication... to frustration.. to indignation... to procrastination...  then work ended and I saw one thing that just about set me on fire... and not in a good way. It was something that was very small but it brought back some of the feelings that were filling me at the end of last year and the beginning of this year.

I saw one picture of a small piece of her arm and that was all that it took. I let this feeling last for about 30 seconds... and that was too long. I stopped and I said a prayer.... and shook my head back and forth. You know, the way that who shake your head when you want to snap out of something. Then just like that I was right back into gratitude and ready to do something good for myself.

I ended up taking some pretty amazing photos that I am going to edit tomorrow.

The thing that really held a lot of power, and put me right back into gratitude today was going to a memorial service for an old friend of mine that had passed away at the end of last year. I had not seen this person in almost 8 years and had not talked to him since I was in treatment. It was a gathering of many people that I used to be very close with more then 10 years ago but when I started to bartend and got out of that circle these people just fell right out of my life.

It was the end of one stage and the beginning of another stage. It was the natural progression of things.

It was great to see these people... and the time has passed and it has changed not only myself.. but these people. I can sense that I will not be strangers with these people for another 10 years. I don't think that I do that anymore... I want to have these valuable people in my life.

The really amazing part of the night was thinking about my friend who had committed suicide and that we were having the memorial for. He was someone who had had their fight with alcohol... and in the end it was the thing that took him out. I never knew just how major a part that alcohol had played in his life but all that I could keep thinking was that I could relate with him. I could see how that this could of happened because I have been there. I never got that close to committing suicide but I could understand how he could of gotten to that point.

I miss my friend. I miss the guys smile. It always seemed like this guy was smiling and living life. There is another side and I know what that looks like. I am so grateful that I saw that and I decided that I wanted to go another direction because I could just as soon be right where my friend is.

I pray for my friend... I know that he is at peace now and that he is smiling.

It's As Simple As That

Today was a was not that different then other days that I have had in sobriety. I was inspired by the sights, sounds and feelings that were around me. I was inspired by a piece of music that I had heard in a movie that I had seen the night before. I went to the movie by myself... just the way that I like it sometimes. I will have a link to it below...



The way that it moved my emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other is something that never really happened before. Maybe it did happen... I just don't remember it every happening.

Now it is an essencial part of my life. It helps me to see the beauty and the optimism of the world that its around me. Even when there is ugliness and bitterness throughout it.... sights and sounds such as these are what my life worth living.

Now this is something that happens on the regular if not everyday. Something that I cannot live without  anymore.

Here is a post from the past five years that pretty much says everything that I want to say about the subject. It puts it perfectly.

Friday, November 13, 2009

today

Today is inspirational for me.. I don't know why and I dont really care. All that I know that I feel this way and I never used to.

After Midnight in The City. #sanfrancisco #longexposure #lazyshutters #goldengate #goldengatebridge #icanseemyhouse #love #mycity #suspension #sfcitylife #landmark #instamood #photooftheday

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Right Now. 12:38 am. #sanfrancisco #goldengate #goldengatebridge #prettybridge #love #beauty #lazyshutters #longexposure #instamood #photooftheday #landmark #icanseemyhouse #sfcitylife

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Pointy. #sanfrancisco #columbus #northbeach #landmark #love #sfcitylife #beauty #building #instamood #photooftheday

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Years.

Here we go with the second edition of this trip back over the past almost 5 years of my life. I do a lot of comparisons of my life in recovery with my former life. I think that it is good to really dig down deep and see all of the little differences between the two.  It makes me very appreciative of all of the things that I have now.

So here we go with a blog post that I published... right after my first belly button birthday in recovery.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me...

I had my first sober birthday in a very long time..like since I can remember. The history of my birthday has been one that was soaked with alcohol...
I found that the greatest thing that happened to me on this birthday was all of the love and support from everybody thats around me. It really makes me realize the importance that my life plays in the lives of others...that my life really does make a difference.
Towards the end of my drinking...I really didnt see a reason for me to go on. i know now that this was the alcohol tainting my life...but the only way that I can describe the way that i was thinking was...sickness.
Another year has come to me...and this is a very different one. This is going to be a year of clarity..and a year of differences...

I am always coming back to the word...gratitude
I am so glad that I am sober...and that my higher power has given me what he has given me. and all of the people that he has given to me..I can't imagine my life any other way. especially the way that it was..

Happy Birthday to Me.