The Range of Emotions.

Today was quite the day.. I would have to say. I have not had a day like today in quite a while. It took me across the entire range of emotions that I could feel. I went from inspiration to dedication... to frustration.. to indignation... to procrastination...  then work ended and I saw one thing that just about set me on fire... and not in a good way. It was something that was very small but it brought back some of the feelings that were filling me at the end of last year and the beginning of this year.

I saw one picture of a small piece of her arm and that was all that it took. I let this feeling last for about 30 seconds... and that was too long. I stopped and I said a prayer.... and shook my head back and forth. You know, the way that who shake your head when you want to snap out of something. Then just like that I was right back into gratitude and ready to do something good for myself.

I ended up taking some pretty amazing photos that I am going to edit tomorrow.

The thing that really held a lot of power, and put me right back into gratitude today was going to a memorial service for an old friend of mine that had passed away at the end of last year. I had not seen this person in almost 8 years and had not talked to him since I was in treatment. It was a gathering of many people that I used to be very close with more then 10 years ago but when I started to bartend and got out of that circle these people just fell right out of my life.

It was the end of one stage and the beginning of another stage. It was the natural progression of things.

It was great to see these people... and the time has passed and it has changed not only myself.. but these people. I can sense that I will not be strangers with these people for another 10 years. I don't think that I do that anymore... I want to have these valuable people in my life.

The really amazing part of the night was thinking about my friend who had committed suicide and that we were having the memorial for. He was someone who had had their fight with alcohol... and in the end it was the thing that took him out. I never knew just how major a part that alcohol had played in his life but all that I could keep thinking was that I could relate with him. I could see how that this could of happened because I have been there. I never got that close to committing suicide but I could understand how he could of gotten to that point.

I miss my friend. I miss the guys smile. It always seemed like this guy was smiling and living life. There is another side and I know what that looks like. I am so grateful that I saw that and I decided that I wanted to go another direction because I could just as soon be right where my friend is.

I pray for my friend... I know that he is at peace now and that he is smiling.