The Society of the Second Chance.... 2.0

There has been a lot of things that have happened in the last week that I feel that I have to talk about. I was just thinking about this as I was talking to a very good friend of mine.... I have evolved and so should this blog. My recovery is my life.... but it has brought me so much more now. I want to share that with the world and I think that sometimes I forget that and let fear just take over everything that I do. So here we go...The Society of the Second Chance 2.0.

Above is my very latest shot. I have not even put it on my photography site yet. So you are really the first people to see it. I am a big fan of the over saturation of the colors because it emphasizes my favorite parts of my City... the night and the lights.

This last month has been one of the hardest and most personally fulfilling months that I have ever had in my life. I lost a relationship but I did not lose a friend and that is the first time that has ever happened to me. Usually I am the one that cuts the other person off and just walks on hoping that I do not run into that person for the next year or so..... but this one was different and I am so glad to still have that person in my life..

Usually the month after a relationship ending for me are what I call "Throwaway Months".... because I just go into a place where I will do anything to make myself happy and feel better for that month. Usually what that means is just spending a lot of money on myself and hoping that it will make things better. The month of September was something of that for me... but I went back to what worked for me after the end of my last relationship... and that was concentrating on the health of my mind and body.

I started to work with my trainer again... something that i had stopped doing over the past couple of months....  here is a link to his site.  His name is Tim and he is a bad ass.. yes a bad ass in that he is a martial arts instructor but more so he is a really great person with great energy and that is why I was drawn to him... Peace of Mind SF

I also started doing something else that has had a profound impact on my life in just the last week.... I started going to yoga sessions at Yoga to the People in Berkeley and San Francisco. I have been told by people in recovery and by people that I love and respect that I would flourish with yoga as part of my spiritual practice.... and they were right.  I worked through the fear and just did it and it has changed me. I knew that it would it was just a matter of me walking through it. Once I worked past the fact that I really didn't give a shit about what people thought of me and what i looked like.. I was good to go.

I am getting way to old to care what others think about me... and I think that this break up has really solidified that in me.

Yoga to the People is really great because I do not get the feeling in there that anyone is judging me or that I should be doing something different. Every teacher that I have had over the past week really makes it a point to make sure that everyone feels comfortable in whatever they are doing. No matter what level of experience anyone has... they just want to make sure that everyone is safe.

Check this video out from Yoga to the People... they turned off embedding... so you have to go to YouTube to watch it.



I have also been back in contact with someone who means the world to me. She is someone who i first me while I was in treatment. We meet as she was coming in... and I had about 3 days of sobriety. So glad that we have gotten back into each others lives. We never really went anywhere I just think that it took time and circumstances for us to get back in touch. Thanks to her for lighting a fire underneath me to get back at this blog... something that i have been thinking of for the past couple of weeks.

Well... there you have it. That has been what I have thinking about over the past week. In the next couple of days I will post about A Day in the Life of me right now..... I think that it would be interesting and be pretty good therapy for me too.

1826 days is five years.

When I look back on the last five years the one thing that I know to be absolutely true is that I am an alcoholic... and I will never be cured of this disease. One of the first things that I can remember learning in the Beacon House was that this disease was a chronic one. It was something that I would never get rid of. I learned that the disease that I had was a fatal one. It was always trying to kill me.

"Rich... you are never alone because you are always in the same room with a person that is trying to kill you... don't you ever forget that"... this was something that was relayed to me very early in my sobriety by Mickey P. When I really thought about that statement it made sense to me. I am different and I know that. I am not like the normal people that can just enjoy one drink or one drug. I want all of the drinks and all of the drugs and I want to know where the backup stash is in the house.

This entry into my blog will be published at exactly 8:30AM on February 26th of 2013... exactly five years ago I was walking into the office of my intake counselor Dana at the Beacon House in Pacific Grove, California. All that I can remember about that morning was how overjoyed I was to be getting back into the house. I knew that for me... the House meant safety and it meant relief. I was tired of running and I was tired of living the hollowed out shell of a life that I was living. I was ready to try this again and I was ready to do whatever was necessary to start living my life again.

Drugs and alcohol were the most beautiful thing in my life for a long time. They had done the trick. They had helped me suppress, transplant, substitute or downright avoid my life for years. They were just what the doctor ordered.... Then came the time when they started not to work and my defenses were starting to crack. I started to get scared and figured that the only way to solve this problem was to blame everyone and everything other then myself for my problems.... and to drink more.  When that did not work I figured that the only way out would be suicide but I knew that I would never be able to do it  and I really didn't want to die. I was exactly where I needed to be to do what I knew that I had to do.  The  Big Book describes this in Chapter 11 in a Vision for You.

"Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."


I have this definition of desperation written in my Big Book... I believe that I was given a "gift of desperation" and it is what brought me to the doors of the Beacon House.

"Desperation is the feeling that you have when you are in such a bad situation and have no hope that you are willing to do anything to change that situation"

I was ready to change that situation. It only took being close to death twice in a two month period for me to realize that I had been given this gift and it was mine to receive.

I credit the Beacon House and its staff for helping me to see that there was sunlight out there and that I could feel its warmth. The Beacon House holds a very special place in my heart because it was the place where my life changed. Every inch of my being changed when I walked through those doors and accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and that I needed help. I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of the situation that I was in and I did not want to go back.

I also credit the Beacon House with introducing me to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA would be the vehicle for the change. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have AA. I have gained a new way of living that has become the foundation of my life. It is the way that I think and deal with every situation that I come across. It has introduced me to the most amazing people and has shown me the most amazing experiences in recovery. When I thought that my life was over when I entered recovery it was AA, and those people, that showed me that my life was only beginning.

Now 5 years later I can look back and feel that the best years of my life are ahead of me and not behind me. I know that this optimism and love for life that i have are a direct product of my recovery and that decision that I made 5 years ago to go back in the Beacon House and surrender.

My life has its ups and its downs... but these days I have the choice. It was a choice that I never had before because I was locked in a life and death struggle. I am still in that life and death struggle... but now I have friends that have been through it before with me.... and that is all I need.

Thank you to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Beacon House, my family...... and most importantly... my Higher Power.

This quote pretty much sums up my experience over the past five years....

“Hardship may dishearten at first, but every hardship passes away. All despair is followed by hope; all darkness is followed by sunshine.” Rumi

Welcome to Treatment

Here is the second part of my story...
As I read over this again I realized that I did not write a third part. Well.... we all know how it turns out. I will see you all on Tuesday.

I am going to post at 8:30am on Tuesday... that is my official sobriety date and time. That was the second that I came back into the Beacon House for the second time. That was the exact moment that I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.I was introduced to the Beacon House the hard way..the same way that
so many others have been introduced to it. Helped right up the front
steps,on their knees, by their perspective addiction. For me...alcohol
was my drug of choice.
I had never even heard of Pacific Grove in my life. Sounded like a
fucking retirement colony to me. But that's where I was headed that
day. Straight up US Highway 101.....to butterfly town USA.
The first thing that I can remember was the fear that was running
through my body as I got out of my aunts car and walked on to that
curved walkway up to those fateful steps. The front parlour will
always have a very special place in my heart because that was the
first place I ever met my counselor. And this was where my initial
assesment was done. To me,on that day, I thought that I was staring
down the barrel of a loaded gun.
This was the first time I ever heard the term "toxic." I was very. .
My body was a stagnent collection pond for all things awful. My skin,
my mind, and my life were yellow.
I had no idea what I was doing, and I needed help. And I would soon
learn that I was in the right place.
I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life, and boy
was I scared. I had no idea who these people were and I didnt know
what they wanted from me.
Prior to going into the hospital I really didnt know what detox was
either. If I would of known what it was theres no way in hell I would
of wanted it. But obviously, that all changed. Thank god.
I would say that my biggest problem (other then my constant intake of
alcohol) was my sleeping patterns. I would drink to sleep.
Correction....I would drink to pass out. Then when I woke up again,
usually in a couple of hours, I would need a few swigs off the bottle
to get back to sleep.
This had created alot of anxiety in my life. Everyday I would think
about what it was going to take, that night to get me to sleep. And it
would rule me.
So from the start...I was in a bad mood. I was in rehab for christ
sake. I didnt have to like being in the present situation. I knew deep
down that this was the place I was supposed to be. So you could say
that I was a little resistant to my treatment at first. I was all
about fighting everyone and everything. I thought that I was a smart
guy. I really thought that I was going to get through all of it...all
on my own. I had all of the life experience necessary to get through
rehab and emerge meraculously cured on the other side.
I was misrable. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. All of my emotions
were on a constant roller coaster ride that I had no control over. I
would cry at the drop of a hat. My only saving grace were the people
that were around me. My constant interaction with other people on a
group level. I had never been through anything like this before.
Sharing my thoughts,fears,pain, and hopes with these people that I had
really just met. These people were to be the basis of my treatment.
I think that one of the many great things that the Beacon House gave
to me was a seed. That seed was called Alcoholics Anonymous. I started
attending the mandatory meeting of AA everyday while I was in the
House. And I really did not care for it at all at first. I didnt like
the people. I thought that all that it really was, was a giant whinner
congregation. People that got together to discuss how much it sucked
that the couldn't " handle" alcohol anymore. What I failed to see then
was how crucial a role Alcoholic Anonymous was to play in the
resurection of my life.
Now..throughout my entire stay at the Beacon House, I had it in my
head that I was going to go back to San Francisco and be able to
return to my old life. Do everything that I had done before....except
not drink. I wasnt ready to let go of my old life. I was going to be
Richie Rich...the powerful and very "sober" bartender. This was a very
deadly fantasy according to all of the staff, my family,friends, and
all that knew me and cared about me. I would show them. I would be
different. I would be able to be in the barber shop and not get my
hair cut.
So...on January 30th, I coined out of the Beacon House. All bright
eyed and bushy tailed with all of the best wishes of the staff. And
with all of the love and support of my house mates.
I was ready to do life the right way....my way. Little did I know that
day that I was going to be coming back up those steps less then three
weeks later. Beaten and broken...with my bushy tail right between my
legs. And time there was no "my way"
This disease is a bitch. A bitch with no cure. A bitch that wants to
kill me. And a bitch that almost did it......twice.
Well everyone. That's the end of part two of the story. My fingers
hurt again..and I like it.