Hey Everyone.. I have moved. To a new Spot!

Hey all..
I have moved to a new site... Check it out..
http://thesocietyofthesecondchance.com/

Hope.... is the opposite of fear.

Sometimes you have to just sit back and marvel in the pure genius of the whole thing. I have to remember that my Higher Power's plan is so much better then the plan that I have for myself. That I have to really just get out of the way and feel it. There are things that right there in front of me.
This is a really great weekend for me.. or at least it has been so far.

I hung out with a friend of mine that is in the program.. someone that is very very close to me in sobriety time. Like the closest person that I know. We got sober right at the same time.

We went to a morning meeting that takes place every Sunday.. but the real amazing thing about this meeting where it takes place..... right in the middle of a redwood forest, down the beautiful California Coast, in Big Sur. In this place if you have any qualms about the existence of something greater then yourself... they really go right out the window.

This meeting's topic was Hope. Something that is near and dear to my heart. Something was said by someone there, Fear is the opposite of Hope. I knew that, but It amazes me how much I forget it. That was i have in front of me is Hope, when all there used to be was fear.

Being comfortable in my own skin... and with other people. Pure Gold. I love this life. Love my Sobriety.

I take a moment.. to remember all of those who serve this country. Wherever they are... and I don't care the reason that they are.. they are.  To those that have died to protect the country that I love.

I take a moment to think about all of those who are still out there... searching for something..  anything to change. Just like me over 2 years ago.
  Happy Memorial Day...

My Grandmother..

This reminds me of my grandmother..

Blah Blah Blah

Just sitting in the sun. On my lunch break... Thinking about all of the good things that are going on in my life. I want to progress.. And I think that's what I am doing. A longtime ago I used to write poetry... It was my outlet. Something that I could express myself through. Something that I could hold and feel. I stopped and I really can't put my finger on why I did. I just did. Maybe I should start that again.
When I was writing. I came up with something that really discribes what I'm about...
Constant progression, anti-stagnation.



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Well... thats just perfect.

I had my car broken into yesterday, and yes it sucks to get victimized like that. For some reason I took it really very well. I think that I knew that it was God's way of telling me something. Maybe he was telling me that I need to remember all of the great things that I have in this world.  Everything did work itself out in the end... and I got my glass replaced.

I then got to see this... (look above). I really couldn't believe what I was seeing at the time. It is probably the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen while I have been living here. I have seen some great things in my recovery.. but this one really took the cake. It is really so clear.. I think that I can see God in it.

I got a message from a really good friend of mine.. that is battling cancer right now. She is going in for a second round of chemo. She asked me how I had handled all the hard times that I had been through in the past 2 years.. First, I had to tell her that in no way could I compare my situation in life to hers. To me they were like apples and oranges. At the same time though.. I told her that when I made the realization that i wasn't the one in control and didn't have to be.. it was a big relief to me. I hope that she thinks that she can call on me during this time. I get to do these things for people today.. there is no way that i would of been able to do that before.

Then to top it all off tonight ... I talked to someone that I haven't talked to since high school... and it was awesome.

I just had to share this. How to Share in a Meeting.

Ok all...
I just saw this. This is one of my favorite blogs of all time.. it is in my blogroll...
The Last Chance Texaco.. and how to share in a meeting.
http://thelastchancetexaco.com/how-to-share-in-a-meeting/trackback/

Just in Case I ever Forgot

Sometimes I have these little expances of time when I think that I might be able to go out there again.. and see what the drinking and using world has for me.. these little flickers of my disease are really very short. Thanks to my higher power and some other examples.. I snap out of them quickly.
I heard about some people that have gone out recently.. and seen what the world had for them. Thank God for these people going out there and doing the research for me..
The stories are littered with pain.. anger.. and arrests. Not just little arrests.. but major major arrests.. that will lead to years and years in jail. Basically lives that have been destroyed because of the reemergence of this cunning and baffling disease..
So very glad that I havent gone out like that... I have gone out before, but I knew that I was totally screwed when I was out too far. I knew when I had to reel it back in. If I wouldnt of dont that, I know that I would be in jail or I would be dead.

Glad that I am not dead.. and that I am here on a Sunday. Writing to you all..

Go Climb a Rock.

Its been quite awhile since I have written on my blog. And its all my fault..

Its still really amazing to me just how much fear is involved in almost everything that I do. It used to be way worse then it is now.. when I was drinking I used to just drink to mask the whole thing. But when the drinking stopped all of the fear just came bursting our. All of the anxiety was really overwelming, it made me never want to have those feeling ever again. But I know that they will come again some day.. because I know that this too shall pass..

Other then that.. I have been doing somethings that I have been wanting to do for awhile... like I took up rock climbing.. and I DIG it. I really like it. I was introduced to the whole thing by a friend of mine from work..
and I really like what it is doing for me. I am learning about so many things about myself that I never knew about before. Like how I have all of these muscles that I never ever knew existed before.. there is this whole group of them in my forearms that I never knew were there before..
Im learning alot about my sense of balance.. I like it because it is really meditative. Im getting really into the mental side of alot of things in my life.. taking time to think about what I am doing. So this is perfect for me ..
I will let you all know how its going.. and I will post some pictures..

The Brothers..

What a great day to be sober.. today and yesterday.
I don't know if any of you remember last year when my little bother and I went to two baseball games in one day..
Check out last year
 Well, it was so much dang fun that we decided that we were going to be doing it every year. So this baseball season we were both really excited. Its a great chance for us both to just hang out with each other and talk about the things that really matter in both of our lives. Talk about all of the things that are shaping both of our days... Its just a great time to be together.

Like last year we decided that we are going to do it again next year, only this time in Southern California. We are going to be going to a Dodgers ( BOOOOOOOO) game and an Angels (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) game.
So that will be really exciting. I love being sober... and having a great brother.

something precious.

Today has been quite the whirlwind day.. It started off just beautifuly.. went out to breakfast with someone that I really admire and respect and had a great conversation about God.. I just really wanted some help with nailing down a good concept of my higher power..
Like I have said before.. I know that there is a God, I know that I am not that God.. but I really needed some help from someone that knows more about the subject of spirituality then I do..
because there is something that I have come to learn.. that quiting the drinking isnt the reason that I am here.. I know that there is a bigger plan for me in this life. I know that he has something much bigger for me.. I am here for the spirital side of the program now. I really want to take that next step in my existance.
The whole day was going great with that.. then I took the picture that is above.. awesome. Listening to the baseball game. Well.. lets just say that we were on our way to a victory.. and then with one little mistake the whole thing slipped away.. and i sent me into a little baby tizzy. Not half as bad as it would of been when I was drinking..
I wouldnt be speaking with anyone for the rest of the night.. or until i had enough to drink in me and all of the shit talking was done. Then... I would be speaking.. I was not the best person to be around when the Giants lost... and towards the later part of my drinking, they lost alot.
But.. whatever, thats over. And I have had a great day. I have learned alot today...like

Recovery is regaining something precious that was lost..

Plans.

The last couple of days has been somewhat of a real test for me.. I can't really put my finger on what that test is.. but I know that God is putting things into my life that I need to see. I know one thing to be very true.. and something that I have learned in the past couple of years of my recovery.. there is a plan, and I am not in charge of it..
Somethings happen that make me wonder about the plan..
Two nights ago... right about this time.. two girls died in a car accident in a town that is very near to mine.. there wasnt any foulplay involved.. but two really good girls lost their lives. I didnt know either of them.. but I could feel their loss from people around me. So in turn I felt the loss. I felt the loss as a human on this earth..
like I said... I know that things happen for a reason, but what is the good reason for these two to have lost their lives. I guess it is something that I will have to wonder about, and write about. In the end it is not my question to answer. All that I can do is to prey for the knowledge of my higher powers will for me.. and thats all..
Well.. and I have said prayers for those two girls.. may they both rest in peace..

Dear Expectations. You Suck

Yeah I know what you are going to say.. if you don't have expectations then you will never get hurt. In my life that is really very hard to do. Especially when the person that you have set the expectations for is someone that you really care about and is pretty close to you..
It was really pretty amazing how worked up I got last night when a friend of mine flaked on me.. after doing the same thing over two weeks ago when we tried to do the same thing. I mean really, two times in a row. While it was happening I was trying to tell my self.. "no way, not two times in a row".  But yes, that is exactly what happened...
But then at the same time.. I went to sleep last night actually in a pretty good place. The reason for this was that I had to remember that I am not the center of the world. If this would of happened a couple of years ago I would of retaliated against this person.. and that would of meant that I wouldnt be talking to that person again.. Well I guess that is how all of this goes... and I am not the center of the universe.

In other news.. I am going back to the health class that I spoke two a couple of months ago to tell my story... Its really nice because I get to tell the shock value story.. and not the recovery based story. Now don't get me wrong. I love to tell that story but I tell it alot in meetings. So this one is the real down and dirty of my addiction... and it gets really scary for people who have never been presented with it..
Thanks for listening.. it has been a little while since I have written. I am back though...

When All Else Fails

When all else fails I need to remember that my higher power loves me and that I need to be grateful. I live in a beautiful place that not many others live in. I live in a place that others dream all of their lives to live in. And really this is where I ended up. Sucks to be me, I know.
I live by the ocean. On the left side of the country... I get to see the water everyday.. After my morning meeting I usually drive along this really pretty road in my town. I call this drive my "God Drive". It's something that came from my first sponser when I was first getting sober. We drove down by the ocean and we looked out onto the water and realized that there had to be a God because there were things in the sea that would eat us. And really the name stuck for me. I make the drive a part of my day when I have the time after my meeting.
Like in some of my earlier posts I wrote about how I get kind of funky sometimes.... Well this morning I was getting kind of funky so I decided that I was going to go on my God Drive and I really am glad that I did.


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Location:Scenic Rd,Carmel,United States

You can Learn Alot.

Tonight I have been having one of those evenings that I know God is talking to me.. and for the first part of it I really wasnt listening.. not hearing a word of it at all.
It all started with something not happening the way that I wanted it to... and I felt like I was owed something. Like I was the one that was entitled.. but thats not the way that it was supposed to happen.. and I was really very bummed about the whole situation...
Then something happened that I really wasnt expecting.. at all. I encountered someone from my past on facebook. Someone that I owed a HUGE amends to.. it was one of those amends that was one of the first that you wrote down on your 8th step.. yeah one of those.
During the last year of my drinking I was a real ass to one person in particular. Actually I was a selfish ass to alot of people, but I was a complete douche to this person. I knew that there was going to be a time in my life that I was going to have to say something to this person because with her I went way over the line... but as an alcoholic, it was a classic case.  To me I was the victim of the whole thing.. and she was the problem. Not the copious amounts of alcohol that I was drinking on an hourly basis... no it could never be that.
I remember when I was sitting in rehab... thinking about all of the shit that had happened.... one of the first concrete things that I can remember thinking was... i really owe her an amends. I was the problem in every situation that I was in.. I was the common denominator... and with her, I had my first evidence....
.
so.. thanks God, for guiding me through my night. Everything happened exactly how it was supposed to..

When you Get Kinda Funky.

I just have to remember that there is someone out there that is watching over me.. and has all of this planned out. It seems that sometimes I get on my pity pot and think about all of the bad shit that has happened.. Then I really take a good look at it and there really isnt that much bad that has happened. When it comes down to it there is almost nothing. It must just be my alcoholic brain that is telling me that there are grey clouds everywhere.
Then I remember that baseball season is right around the corner. I know what some of you must be thinking.... "Baseball, how does that fit in with your life, Rich"
Well it means a great deal to me. It has become a part of my existence really. A vital part of the fabric that has become my life. It gives me something to look forward to daily.
I realize that I have alot of things to look froward to daily. Each and everyday. I just have to remember what there are and I have to have faith..

Faith... without works is dead

I really don't know what I would do without faith. Really just knowing that I don't have the answer to everything is really very comforting.. things would be so much more difficult without it..
Here is a quote that I got from a friend...
"I am learning to shut up more in the presence of God"-Archbishop Desmond Tutu
I thought that it went well for today...

Friends.

How valuable are real true friends. The kind that really are there for you and honestly care for you and your well being. I have people like that in my life.
Today I went and saw one of my closest friends and he gave me an awesome present. A present that will be with me forever. One that I can't lose... A present that is a constant reminder. A reminder that exists as a moment in time.. Tattooed on me for all time.
It's a pretty awesome present.


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It's Really Not About Me

I do know that everything happens for a reason. That is very much something that I do know and that I do respect. Sometimes you wish that it was you that decided what should happen and why. I know that I would fuck it all up anyway so it's good that I'm not.
One of my friends.. actually, my ex-girlfriend, just got engaged. and you know what my first reaction was when I saw the news...I was disgusted in myself for letting her get away.. I shed a little tear. and then turned it into a couple of second of self pity..
I guess that it was my right to feel that way for a couple of seconds.. like i had lost something. Then I just had to crack a pretty big smile.. and realize that it's not really about me anymore. I used to think that it was all about me..
I still have to feel that I missed out on something truly magical. But I know that there was so much between me and that magic. So much that had to be removed for me to even be healthy... but I recovered now.. and my eyes are open...
Im very very happy for my old friend.. thinking about her being happy makes my heart smile.. and thats what life is about.

Don't sweat the technique.

"Make the Difference" : MADSTEEZ from MADSTEEZ on Vimeo.

Shots for Today

Thought for the Day

Just thought that you guys would like this.. from todays Daily Reflections

May I always remember that the power within me is far greater then the fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right path.

Sunset..

The Rewards.

Milestones.

I went to my morning meeting. And got my 2 year chip. I love being able to celebrate things like this in my life. Really positive things. And it's only the beginning. 30 years old and 2 years sober. Sounds good to me.

Two Years and Counting..

So today is my two year sobriety birthday.. this year moved by alot faster then the first year did.. and it was quite the ride.. the second year that is. I wouldnt have it any other way. i started the day off with my morning meeting, and it was the best way to get the day started. I was given a beautiful donut birthday gift with 2 candles sticking out of it.. it was one of the biggest donuts that i have ever seen in my life. I was almost scared of it..
Then after the meeting I went to my recovery house.. where my recovery all started to me.. I consider my sobriety date the second that I first walked into that house. Well the second time that I walked into that house.. . So I got to see some of the people that were in the house right now.. and I got to tell them a little of my story.. and discribe to them that I was exactly where they were 2 years ago. and that they were in the right place..
Then I went to work.. and its where I want to be on this day, because its where I have to practice paticiene. This really wasnt my day.. it was my higher powers day. Thats all that I really needed to know..

I went to my favorite meeting this evening.. the mens meeting that i first went to when i came back into after i went out.. the place that i first really let go and listened to the men around me... the first place that i shut up and listened.. and i heard alot tonight..
i heard how you have to stand up for what you believe.. and take a stand. it was just what i needed..

So here we go into year three... i love being sober. I love living like this.. living and learning from those around me.. every day...

Let's Get this Show on the Road.

So today I have a day off. I am pretty excited about the whole thing... really I am. I love my job, but a day off is quite beautiful. I am heading back up to the City of San Francisco for the first time in awhile.. I am going to be staying with my big sis up there.. So tonight should be a really good night.
Today in my morning meeting we talked about gratitude and where you are now. I felt compelled to chime in and offer my two cents about the whole thing. I described where my life has taken me in the last two years and how much that it means to me.

Its funny sometimes. Somebody asked me a couple of days ago why my life revolves around AA and recovery. This person wasnt in recovery obviously and didnt have any kind of program. To them AA was kind of a burden that you had to graduate from. I have heard from alot of wise people that AA I will never graduate from. There is always something to learn. I don't think that I ever want to gradate from this school of spirituality and nice slow geologic change. I quite nice where I am.. and I love where I am going.

Insanity. Complete Insanity

 So I'm sitting at a local place.. Right by my work.... Sitting at the bar like I usually do. Because that is usually where you get the best service... And Iam getting to listen to all of the colorful conversation all around me. Remembering what I would of been saying if I was in the same place a little over 2 years ago. And how different it is now.
I don't miss washing cocktail glasses very much. I really don't miss the smells at all. Clearing all of the straws and booze soaked napkins out of the sink. I really don't miss it at all.
I'm going to the City tomorrow to see some old friends. And see some old faces. People that are really doing alot of the same old stuff. It helps me remember where I'm at. And how I got there.


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What moves you..

Lately I have been thinking alot about the things that really move me.. the things that make me smile and want to take a deep breath... thanking my higher power for every second.. I know that it has alot to do with the people that you choose to surround yourself with.. and I have great people around me. Like the people that I work with. I work the most intelligent and talented people every single day. No matter what I say about it on a day by day basis.. The job really does move me. I get paid a awesome amount of money to have a positive impact on peoples lives.. and help them see what they never thought was possible..
Today was a really good day.. but there was the sprinkling of the fear in there. Just as there is everyday.. but tomorrow I am looking forward to going to a meeting in the morning.. and being around alot of people that are like me..

This has been in my head all day!

I love it when a song just really makes you feel good.. and thats why we love music.

Now.. Right Now

That is what I have been trying to work on in the last couple of days.. living in the here and now. It is alot harder then it sounds but I am getting alot better at it. Today I am making an effort to live for today.. and come from a place of love and not from a place of fear..
Like most of you guys know I have been going back to my morning meetings again.. and I am so glad that I am. Last week I skipped a day and I wasnt the same for the rest of the day.. The group just starts me off on the right foot and makes me think. No matter how tired I am I know that if I dont go I know that I am not going to be the same for the rest of the day..  The conversation that takes place in my morning meeting is so substantive. It always makes me think.
So today I am going to try to stay in the now.. all day.

Refocus

This is what seems to be the common theme with me. I start to lose focus of what is really important in my life. The things that got me here.. The serious business that I need to take care of for myself. And that is my program. I guess I get easily distracted by others that I care about in my life. I never ever intend to do it in the beginning because it always seems like everything is working out. But as time goes by.. I start to drift a little.
So I started to go back to my morning meeting. You know the one that pretty much was the story of my first year. Well it has been almost 8 months since I walked in that door.. And I have been going for 3 days now. My day is just so much better if I go to a meeting in the morning. I just have to get centered and on the right page. The people that go to that meeting have so much to say... And I have alot that I need to listen too.
I'm kinda over the whole bummer mood that I have been in over the past couple of days. I just really don't like hurting someone that I care about.
But I'm here.. And I'm refocusing.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Monterey Peninsula Recreational Trail,Pacific Grove,United States

this sucks.

Sometime things have to be done for your self that are going to hurt someone that you care about. Even if it makes them think that you don't care about them.  The last thing that I want to do in my life is to hurt someone else.. but sometimes it happens.. It has happened to me in my recovery. When I think back on those times I know now that it was for the right reason and that it needed to happen. The timing of everything just want right and it was my Higher Power's will that it happened..
Some things in life are not fair.. and it tears me to the core.. the blame here lies with me.. and me only..

The New Home...

Last night was my first night in my new house. I slept there last night before my roommates.. it was a really great feeling to wake up in the new space because it has so much more light then my old place had. The old place really looked like it was right of Boogie Nights with the shag carpeting and the wood panel walls.. It made the place so dark and really left the room lacking. I really never thought of it as home because it really wasnt.. It just didnt have that feeling.. a feeling of familiarity that a home is supposed to have..
I got a promotion at work. One that I have been working for.. for a long time. And it feels really good. I finally feel like I have an adult job. At least thats what my brother says...
Overall.. I am moving right along. I feel that things are moving in the right direction. Things in front of me are very bright..

Playing the Tape all the Way Through.

So this is what I had to start my day off with today. A feeling of freedom that I enjoy these days.. Wondering what I would do without it. Sometimes I feel like I am and progressing.. and then there are some days that I think that i am regressing. Like I'm at the same place that I was before, with the only exception being that I'm not drinking.. Yesterday I had a pretty big craving for alcohol after I left work. I wrote about some of the other stuff that had happened that day.. but I really didnt write about the craving that I had.. It was very real. It was the normal everyday reaction that I would of always had back in the day.. alcohol fixes everything. I was driving down the main street in my town... it was pretty late.. on a Sunday.. pissed off and Sunday.
I played the tape out to the end.. and I knew where it would of led me. Right to the end. So that didnt happen.
God provides me with exactly what I need. Because I really have no idea.

A Day for the Ages..

Today was one of those days.. and I don't really know why. It really started off just the way that any other day would..  I had somethings that had to be done around the house.. Oh, did I mention that my roommate and I are moving. Yes we are moving.. we have been in our place just about a year..and the owner of our house is selling the house. Thats how God wants it.. thats how it goes.. Today was a moving day... so I got  to hang out with my roommate's family.. they were helping us move all of our stuff and I was very thankful for that.. but its what happened when I was in the process of going through some of my old stuff that was to shake the first part of the day.... I looked down on the ground.. and was looking right at a little unopened baggie of fucking cocaine. I couldnt believe it.. i stared at it for a long second, and I kept telling myself that there was no way that it was what i thought it was... but it was. I promply flushed it right down the toilet. And went along with my day.. but I had no idea just how a bag of coke got into my room. I dont even remember the last time that I bought cocaine was.. I think that right at the end of my drinking i was trying to buy cocaine from someone..  but there it was... and now, its gone..
Then after that I was just in a pretty negative mood, I could feel alot of fear just building around me. And I tried to say a prayer, for God to take it away from me.. I let it go.. but then took it right back later in the evening while I was at work. I let some things just get to me, all of the same feelings of inadequacy were right there. They really didnt feel that good. I felt uncomfortable, I could feel my face getting red and hot.. and I just wanted to leave. I got the chance to and i did. Now I am writing this in my blog and I am feeling a bit better.
Lately the fear has been creeping in.. and I am almost to 2 years. i think that I should be going to a meeting tomorrow.. very much so. Thanks everyone for being part of my strength and part of the solution. Because there is a solution today..

the Rain is coming.. I can feel it.

The rain i just on the horizon.. its supposed to be pouring for the next week where I am. I am looking forward to it. I usually do. I love the changes that come with the weather.. This just change right in front of me..
These last couple of weeks I have been preparing for a couple of big things that are going to be taking shape in my life.. and the only reason that they are happening.. because I am sober. I took a pretty big step yesterday in my journey.. and I said a nice prayer before I went in to do it.. and I knew that my God was right there with me.. I could feel it..  something big is coming.. and I am glad that I am here to see it.

Another chance. Another Way

I remember writing something while I was on my way out of treatment for the second and "i hope" final time... it had something to do with being able to finally be who i was meant to be.. without all of the other stuff that was involved...now I am standing here almost 2 years later wondering how the heck I ever did it that way for so long... but it had to happen that way, for me to really appriciate all that I have right now. That was the way that it had to go.. and I am really glad that it did..
This week I am doing some preparing for some really major things in my life... well I think that they are major, but in the grad scheme of things they really arnt that big.. because no matter what happens I know that I am exactly where it is that I'm supposed to be.. and thats all that matters. SO Im just going to put it all out there and see how it goes..

All the Rage..

Hello there everyone..
I just wanted to share with you guys this picture... I havent seen it in a very long time... it showed up while I was cleaning out my car today...
Thought it was pretty funny... I'm all the rage with the older crowd..

So I have had two days off.. and it has given me sometime to just sit back and relax.. stop for a second and smell the roses..
back to work tomorrow.. I'm in in for the home stretch..

Hopes and Prayers

So here we go with another year. A new decade. This is the decade of my 30's... And like I've said before I'm pretty happy about that. I can't wait for this decade... Because it's my decade. Well really it's everybodys decade... I wish the best for everyone... And unlike the last new decade, I don't have ill will for anyone. I have to remember not to get caught up in the future or the past but in what's going on with me in the here and now. I know some people that are going to be bringing a new life into this world in the new year. I know alot of people that don't have a job in this new year. I know some people who are right back in the cold this year... I remember where I was at 2 years ago... And where I am at in this new decade. I am very glad to be here.