A new year

And a very happy night it is...a new year is just hours away. And I am
alive and very well. Being alive has taken on a whole new meaning this
past year. This past year almost wasn't...it almost never happened for
me. This time last year...as 2007 was coming to a close, I was
watching the ball drop in Times Square from a hospital bed. Looking up
at a television screen wishing that I was at home in San
Francisco...with all of my friends. Ringing in the new year just like
I had so many times before. With a steady stream of booze-lovin...
My life as I knew it had come to a grinding halt in mid december...my
body said no more. So the first choice of my new year was to go to
treatment..a choice that would save and change my life in one fail
swoop...
I entered treatment and started to learn more about the disease that I
had. Alcoholism...and the power that it held over me. 28 days later I
popped out of rehab cured of my afflicition...or so I thought. I was
ready to go back home....and change my life without really changing
anything at all. And in the business that I am in it doesn't really
work like that.
Two weeks later...my disease reminded me of how much power I really
had over it.
This time...I removed my face from the dirt and set out to do it
different this time. I changed it all...I moved out of the City of my
heart...and I started on a new path. A path of recovery...that would
open my eyes to a whole new world around me. A world that I didn't
think would ever be possible for me...a life without alcohol.
This year has been the hardest...and the greatest year I have ever
had. There has been alot of crying, laughing, wondering, hoping,
praying,listening...and most of all learning this year.
One treatment center..one sober living house...one shitty jobs to
start it...one amazing job to finish it...two cities...lots of socks,
Paticence, and toothpaste...one fucking amazing home group...twelve
amazing steps...one life changing program...and a higher power.
For the first time in my life I'm going into a new year with
hope...and optimism. I have both eyes open. Putting one foot in front
of the other. 2009 is going to be a good year.

The best we can

For the first time ever I can truely say that I'm doing the best that
I can...with all that's happened in my head and heart. I can say it
with a straight face...

the nature of our business

Its just the way that things happen around us alcoholics and addicts. People that we are close to and that mean the world to us in our recovery go out. I know that I talk about this alot in my blog. but it is one of those constants..something that always happens. It just reminds me how this thing works...and how so very close i am to the thing that wants to kill me...
I seemed to have reached a turning point when it comes to people around me going out...I really used to take it personally...like it was something that i did. Or that I do enough to prevent it...Now im just really happy when the person that goes out comes back in out of the cold....I mean thats all that really matters when it all comes down to it...because that small time out could be the time that kills you..
So now...Im just glad that these people are back...some are back with a whole new lease on life. because they see, like i did, that they really arent missing that much out there...

Home again..home again...

When I come home...back to Ventura I mean. I really remember where it
is that I came from. I mean the real roots of my life. Looking back on
it with some perspective I realize that I really had an alright
upbringing...I actually had a great upbringing.
It's so sureal to come back here a year later...after all that has
happened in the last year. The hardest and greatest year that I have
ever had. To come back here sober and to fellowship with other people
in recovery in my hometown. And there are many...
I went to two really great young peoples meetings while I was
here..they were both small, but they we both exactly where I was
supposed to be. Around people who were dealing with the same things in
recovery that I was. Young people who are as down for their recovery
as I am. It's just so fucking good to be sober. It's so good to be
able to look at an upcoming year with optimism...and not the same
false hope...that something was going to be different this year.
Somehow things would change and I would have nothing to do with it. It
would just happen...and I could keep doing the same old things as
before.
I know better then then that now. Things have changed...and it's has
nothing to do with me. It's all because of my higher power.

The jumping off point...

That's what it's called in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anoymous...the
jumping off place.
Someday he will be able to imagine his life niether with or without
alcohol. That's where I was a year ago....
Exactly one year ago I was on my way to the emergency room...with all
of my denial completely shattered. I was at the most lonely place a
person can be. Completely scared..not knowing how to make it all just
stop...
Not knowing what the next step was to be.
I would wake up a couple of days later...not knowing where I was. Not
knowing what had happened. All that I knew was that the gig was up.
And I was beaten by alcohol.
All that I really wanted was just to get right and I would be good.
Back up on my feet...right back behind the bar..in the middle of the
party that I had created. The party that nearly killed me.
I am glad that it took what it took to get me to the jumping off
point. Because it got me here...one year later.

She is very happy that I am sober

I can see the look on her face looking down at me.
Probably laughing..

Just passed by this..

I was just walking to work. And I saw this...and I thought it might
mean something. Seems like god has been putting alot of signs in my
path. Any thoughts??

keeping the faith

I have heard that so many times before....keep the faith Rich...keep the faith. Then today i was really thinking about my faith. the fact that i actually have faith now. I have something to look to when everything around me is getting really tough. Something that I look to no matter what is happening..Something that i can thank when I go to bed sober at night. Something that I can thank when I wake up in the morning and don't have a hangover...when I can remember the events of the night before....and know that I probably won't have to apologize to anyone...
Well.....usually not have to apologize to anyone....
The difference is...i know that there is something there..something that i greater then me. There is no other reason that I am still sober after 301 days...when I couldnt even get 5 together before. There has to be something greater then me. and I feel it when I am going through the day...and I know that there is a plan for me...
A friend of mine today told me that I have a good heart...and for the first time in my life I know that I do.

Dramatics

Do you ever feel that you are being overly dramatic?? Or do you feel
that's just how it is in early soberity...?
I mean..I've let go completely of everything that I had.
Which..,looking back on it really wasn't that much.
I just feel that sometimes people may think that I'm being
dramatic...but then I ask myself why I really care what they think.
This is my fucking journey. My decisions...and this is the way that I
feel.
So when I think about it..I realize that I just have to have faith.
Because I have been told that faith is the opposite of fear. I really
think that all this is....fear.

This just says it all

Save some for later....

Sometimes I feel blue. And I am very aware of it. But it really used
to break me. Right in half...and I didn't know how to deal with it. I
knew how to crash and burn. In a bright, brilliant ball of flame. And
how romantic I used to make it all seem. Like it was going to somehow
make me feel better. Only if just for a second. But there was nothing
else behind it. Nothing new to back up my play.
Aleast now there is some hope. Walking to the bus tonight...feeling
kind of blue. But I just have to think about how this feeling used to
just sit on top of me. Like a really heavy wet blanket. And how there
is always tomorrow... And how that makes all of the difference in the
world.

The footwork.

God...show me what you want me to see.
That is my prayer to my higher power everytime that I sit down to work
on my 4th step. Something that would of never of imagined that I would
of ever of done before. I can recall thinking a while ago...How the
hell am I going to turn this thing around. After all of the really
messed up stuff that
I had done. Where was the path that I was to follow to fix all of
this. And I really hope that this shining path is easy. I really like
easy.
But I have found out that it's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed
to be work. And I am inheirently really fucking lazy. I want it given
to me on the silver platter.
It's not going to happen this time. I have to do the footwork if I
want this to work...and it is working.
Sometimes quickly....sometimes slowly.

Hope...

Now that I think about it...I never really even thought of the concept of the word hope...it really is such a great word. It is something that I now have a little more understanding of...hope...
Looking at the future....differently. Like there is something to look at now. Something to look forward to...like there is something to feel good about. Everything just seems different....much brighter...
I

Funky...

Wow..have you ever just had one of those days. Where nothing seems to go right...
Thats the kind of day that I am having to today...i have this lump in my stomach. like one that feels like impending doom. even thought that it may be for the best. It just sits there...and it swims around in my head.
Its a whole lot better now then it would of been back then. If this happened last year I don't know what i would be doing...probably drinking. and being really loud...
Nowadays I talk about it...not so loudly. I just let it out there

it all can change...

So yesterday I had one of my most beautiful moments in my sobriety thus far. I am helping a very dear friend of my find the gift that I have been given...I am able to share the things that i have experienced in my life. I just remember how I thought that there were so many things that were impossible. so many goals that i knew i wouldn't be able to achieve because of all of these doors that i thought that i could never open. All that it really took was a leap of faith...probably the biggest decision that i ever made in my life...
My friend last night went to her very first AA meeting. and she almost didn't go.....but she did. She took a leap of faith...and made the biggest decision in her young life.
Talking to another friend of mine last night we couldn't help but talk about all of the cool shit that is happening because of sobriety...all of the doors that have been opened, or kinda cracked open, or have the potential to be opened...just because we made that decision..or the decision made me.
In any case...I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face last night..and still cant for that matter...because things are going to change for her. If she wants them too...

Sugar coating.

Sometimes I forget that I'm talking to normal people...you know..non
alcoholics. They want to know what I'm up to and what I've been through.
I correct myself...these people may be "heavy drinkers".
So I go in to what my last year has been like. You know..it's been
pretty eventful..
I can't help but tell it like it is. The non sugar-coated version. I
forget that these people may have never heard just how bad it can get.
They have their view of drinking. And I have the reality of mine..
And sometimes they tell me that they didn't mean to get so
personal..and I just think I'm being honest.
I guess I'm where the rubber meets the road for some. I'm happy to be
that example of how bad it can get..and how all that shit can change.

just keep swimming.....just keep swimming...

there are many things that i have learned in the last couple of months..i think the most important thing that i have come across is from "Finding Nemo"....when Dori says...Just keep swimming..Just keep swimming..
Thats all that i can really do no matter what situation i am in. i could of never of imagined thinking that way over a year ago. back then it really was my way or the high way...thats the only way that i knew..
That was the way that i problem solved...now i just really have to sit and see what happenens..
There are some things that so very important to me...and at the top of that list is my soberity..if i dont have that, i dont have anything...
All i can do is....just keep swimming.

Let it all play out...

I remember being asked what my intentions were before I entered into
all of this. Finding a person that I really finally connected with on
such a different deeper level. I knew not what my intentions were..all
that I knew was that they were not bad. Becoming so close to someone
that you wished you could be around them more then you were.
But somethings aren't supposed to happen. But I know now that there is
plan. And I really have no say in it.

Words from the very start

So are somethings that I wrote when I got sober....the aftermath of the relapse...
Its crazy to read...where i am at now...over nine months later

Trainwreck?? Who me!?

Did you have one of those people that came through your life that
really let you know just how fucked up you were
In your disease? I did...And I finally was able to let her know how
thankful I am that she said what she did. It was the single event that
really started to break the bubble of my pure and perfect denial.
I used to love to say...I once met a girl that drove me to drink..and
I never had the decency to write her and thank her.
Now I can say...
I once met a girl that drove me to into recovery..and I had the
decency and gratitude to write her and thank her.
It never ceases to amaze me...the path that my higher power has for
me. Never a boring day in soberity.

Presence

Wow. Did I have a great day yesterday. My first sober thanksgiving
since I can almost remember. As you think it would..all I could think
of was the word gratitude. It's like I really felt the real meaning of
the holiday for the first time. I went to a Mens meeting and it was
exactly what I needed. Like I was meant to be there...that's because I
was supposed to be there.
I got to be there for my family. Of just all felt right. Now I'm home
and I'm looking at things just a little differently...things seem a
little brighter. ...maybe a bit sharper.
I'm so grateful that I'm sober.

The smallest opening

Who would believe that an alcoholic like me could get to this place.
Somewhere that I thought was totally impossible. One thing that I gave
learned through all of this is that I have to re examine my definition
of the world impossibe. Because it has changed for me.
Nine months ago today I was going back into the Beacon House...and all
that I knew was that I was beaten. I couldn't control it or ever hope
to. I needed the help of others. And those others were the ones that
put their hands out
And told me that they had seen this before... And they knew what to do.
I am grateful to all of those people that were there at the
begining...and that are still with me today. Not because of any
obligation... But because this is what we do.
I am proud to be a part of that group.

Knowing the difference

I know the difference between feeling good and. Of even knowing. It
used to be that this was really how good it was going to get. And it
really wasn't that good....not that good at all. Now I'm more aware of
my feelings and what I can do to help them along. Actually all that I
really do is to pray for them. And I know that things will work out
the exactly the way that they are supposed to.
Someone much wiser then myself told me one time that the opposite of
fear...is faith. And that means alot to me. Because I have faith
today. And it's in something other then myself and other then alcohol.
That was all that I had before I had the program.
Now I know how I can understand those things that I used to wonder how
it was so easy for others to get. Today I know that I can actually
achieve those things that used to be seemingly so impossible.
All I had to do was ask for help...and do work..

Dream a little dream

You know what I am a big fan of...dreams. Real vivid, lovely, bold,
beautiful dreams. Last night I had a dream about golf...don't tell me
why I had a dream about golf but I did. And I can remember the whole
damn thing. Every little part...well almost every little part. Atleast
I can recall enough to write parts of them down.
I remember that I used to have dreams when I was drinking and
using.... But they were nasty, disjointed, messy waking dreams that
made no sense. I could recall them when I came to..but then I would
think of something else and the dream would go away.
I like the way that my dreams are now. Because I know there is so much
more to my dreams that I really pays for me to remember them.

The small things

I just remember how hard all of the really small things were. How much
of my effort that everything was going to take. And how adiment I was
against sound them.
I remember thinking to myself..this should not be this hard..or...I
should be wanting to do this. It shouldn't be a chore.
This was things like eating, shaving, changing clothes. You know
really basic shit. Nothing else really mattered.
I can remember the first time that I heard the 9th step promises read
at a meeting.
We will know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...
I though that was something that I could really use. Some help with
these hard things. The things other people did without blinking.
It's getting easier to deal with situations now that I'm sober.

Sitting in it..

If someone would of told me that every thing was going to change I
would of said...no way. I couldnt see anyway past what I had made for
myself. I felt that I was destined to be stuck In the same spot forever.
Last night I was watching an episode of intervention. The guy was
drinking the exact way that I did. Drinking to pass out, drinking to
cope, drinking to forget...basically drinking to die. It was the love
of his little daughter that really snapped him out of his rutt. I
think that it was family that really was the thing that made me
realize what I was doing..and the people that I was really putting
through hell.
I think that the most painful drives I have ever taken was with my
brother going back down to treatment after my relapse. I felt like a
kid that had gotten in trouble with a parent. The shame and disgust
was written all over his face. And I really didn't get it. I was
really only concerned with myself and what was going on with me.
So this holiday season I am really excited to go home and be with my
family. The most excited I have ever been for the holidays since I got
really big expensive presents..I have gotten a much more valuble
present this year.

not the brightest star in the sky...

you have those days where just everything seems to be off...well i have been having less and less of them since i got sober..but yesterday was a day of real ups and downs...
and the added knowledge of all of the locations of bars that are open does not help the situation...its not like i was going to drink or anything..not even close. but thats the kind of shit that just enters into my mind...im an alcoholic for christs sake.
people were just getting to me last night. a couple of people that i know in the program that have a good amount of time just went out. and they seemed so strong to me..but life happens i guess. I just get frustrated when people go out....do they not know whats at stake...i mean really. atleast for me..I know that I will die. pretty fucking simple. I never want to go back to the way that I felt...just waiting to die.
Im glad that there is another day..another day thats not filled with the same old shit.

A new pair of glasses

Its funny to me how we always looked at a situation the same way before...at least thats true for me. I can remember always feeling that i had to harden myself to things that were coming at me...like i had to meet them with opposition..now i just feel differently..
like there is another way to look at the entire thing...

Must be present to win....

i heard that at my morning meeting. and I loved it. because it is so damn true. That was such a big problem for me when i was using..really being present in real life situations.
Like when my grandmother and mother both past away...and I used it as an excuse to drink. Well I would use anything as an excuse to drink...really. But everytime that I was around my family i was always on edge..and really thinking that i needed the relief that was to come from alcohol...and now i have trouble really even remembering some of those last precious moments with my mother...the moments that i will never have to do over again. My mother was a recovering addict...and she knew what was happening to me...and she knew that the only choice that i had was to either get some help...or die.
Im just so glad that I can be the one that people can come to. a person that can be relied upon...i always thought that i was that person...but my use came first...not anymore.

A Beautiful Sunset

I guess I consider myself lucky..

When i think about my journey i have to really realize how lucky i am. No matter what...I dont have to drink today. The obsession to drink has been lifted from me. thanks to a power greater then myself...because there is no way that i had anything to do with it..
and as my father says..."Rich...ya didn't do shit"
and for the first time in my life...i know that is true. i had no hand in any of it...
Then I think about all of the people who choose to go out and do a little more research about their disease...like they need a little more understanding about how much it kicks there ass. I am so glad today that i don't have to do that anymore...i am free of that. and its because of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and a loving higher power...
but i think of the analogy of someone slamming their head into a brick wall...over and over. trying to get rid of a headache...when really there is a way that has worked for so many people...
sometimes i have to stop and pray while i am in a meeting...while i am hearing people tell their stories of wondering what they have to do...to get this..that they just cant get it. and they keep going out.
and i find myself just getting really frustrated...wanting to say something. but thats not how i do it now. i do it differently now...i do alot of things differently..

Honesty...

The people that I choose to surround myself with is something that really amazes me..like last night i was at a meeting. That before i went to i wasnt really in the mood to be there at all..but thats the time that i really need to be at a meeting. It was a good meeting most of the way ...but i could feel my mind wondering all over the place. I started to pray to try to ask for a little help with this. because i knew that there was some reason for me to be there..
then a good friend of mine. another person that is early in soberity like myself.....the topic of the meeting was honesty..and he proceeded to say that he had relapsed a couple of times in his soberity..i could tell that this was eating up his insides....so he said something about it..and it made me almost start to cry....this was what my life was looking like. people that had the balls to do things like that because it was eating them up insides....thats who i want to be around. because thats how i want my life to be like...
the word honesty was totally foreign to me before i started my journey in the program...i always thought that i knew what honesty was...but it was my idea of honesty. and it wasnt what i wanted to be...now im on a different track. and i like what road im on....

I know that everythings going to be alright

I have this feeling that everything is going to be alright...and even
if it isn't. I'm not alone.
And that is all the difference in the world.
Have a beautiful sober day..

Happy Birthday to Me...

I had my first sober birthday in a very long time..like since I can remember. The history of my birthday has been one that was soaked with alcohol...
I found that the greatest thing that happened to me on this birthday was all of the love and support from everybody thats around me. It really makes me realize the importance that my life plays in the lives of others...that my life really does make a difference.
Towards the end of my drinking...I really didnt see a reason for me to go on. i know now that this was the alcohol tainting my life...but the only way that I can describe the way that i was thinking was...sickness.
Another year has come to me...and this is a very different one. This is going to be a year of clarity..and a year of differences...

I am always coming back to the word...gratitude
I am so glad that I am sober...and that my higher power has given me what he has given me. and all of the people that he has given to me..I can't imagine my life any other way. especially the way that it was..

Getting out of my own way

It's really amazing how life just happens around you..and how much
more beautiful it is when you're sober. Everything still happens but
the difference is..is that you are present for it this time around.
I'm sitting here, waiting for a friend of mine to pick me up so I can
be on time to work. I can actually be a places when I say I'm going to
be there. People know that I'm being honest and can be relied upon.
They know that I'm not trying to avoid subjects by deflecting
them...or lying about them.
I like being that guy. I've always wanted to be that guy...I always
"tried" to be that guy... The key word in that statement is "tried."
Now I don't have to try..I just am.

Days of Grace

So I had another beautiful example of how much my life has changed in the last months. I chaired a meeting that i really truly love this morning. I was floored that I was even given the oppertunity to do it. When I was asked by the secratery I really could'nt believe it...
So this morning...I sat in front of a large group of people that I really respect and shared about a passage that I had chosen in the Big Book...It was all centered around my quest for acceptance and for true relationships...All through my life, from when I could earliest remember...
Through trying to get attention from my father who wasnt there, or from my mother who was using, or from slinging drinks from behind a bar...i just wanted someone there. And I never could find it...so i tried to find it the only way that I knew how...booze.
Then when that didnt work for me anymore....and almost killed me I turned to a group of strangers. And these strangers where there for me...with an amount of resolve and expertise that I would of never imagined. This was the group that would become my family..this was the group that would save my life....
A very close friend of mine asked me a couple of days ago....Don't you just love our new family??
I think that it summed it up very nicely...

It's coming..I know it

It's coming..I know it

So I think I'm doing everything right..being as avaliable as I can.
Learning and helping as much as I can.
I'm really practicing patience as much as I can.
I know that this is shaky ground for me in the past...my pride kicks
in and I start to get resentments. Start to take things personal...
Eventhough I know that in this situation I know they are not.
I just get frustrated when I'm putting alot of myself into
something...and I'm not seeing the return. I know that they are just
around the corner.
I just have to have faith. And know that this is where I'm supposed to
be.

What?? And miss all this..

What?? And miss all this..

I just really can't believe how close I did get to losing it all..I
mean at the time I really thought that I had lost everything..so the
next progression, I thought, was death. But now I am so very grateful
to have learned that I truly didn't lose it all.
I still had my life. No matter how bad it got. I was still breathing.
Barely.
Like today for instance...I had a couple of friends that I used to
work with in the City call me at 6am to get my opinion on
something..they were still at the bar. And they knew that the only
sober person that they knew that would be up at 6am (thank you Good
Morning Carmel) was me. At first I was kind of annoyed with the
call...but I thought about it for a minute. I was the only SOBER
person they knew that would be up that early. Yes I am.
Now..I'm waiting for the bus. Watching the leaves begin to change in
the trees of Carmel-by-the-Sea. Feeling the wind gently blow against
my face. Realizing how lucky I am to be alive. And to be surrounded by
the people that I am.

Have you ever had something happen to you that feels so right?? But
you really don't have anything to compare it to..something like this
has never really happened to you before. Buy you know that it's
supposed to be happening. It's happening to me...

Have a beautiful day all.

I've got bigger fish to fry...

So when it all comes down to it...ive got reasons to smile. and i really didnt have any reason to last year at around this time. I know, I know that this too shall pass...
but right now i can smile. because there is some things that would of made me really frustrated and mad a year ago. now i know that there are bigger catastrophies in life. worse things have happened to me in this life.
like for instance, today i showed up way early to work. I thought that i was supposed to work at 9. and the schedule had been changed and i was now working at 1pm. even though i had asked the week before...making sure that the schedule hadnt changed...but shit happens, and it did. some people really expected me to be mad about being at work a good 4 hours early. but i just smiled and made the realization that i had a job....a job that i really love...
ive got bigger things that have happened to me...and i have beautiful people around me, that love me..

Let The Fool Go..

I really appriciate the new found gift I have been given. This beautiful thing is called listening. Something that I was pretty much forced into...because the way that I was doing shit wasn't really working...
So today...I heard something from a woman that I have come to respect very much.
She was discribing the difference between those who really haven't been through those "fire" kind of times and those who have. Those that have been shown that there really is more to this life then stepping over people to get what you want. People that are really hardcore,mechanical, and methodical in the way they go about their daily business.
Then there are the ones like us who wave really been thrown to the ground by life...seeing the full spectrum of what life can give out.
And you know what...if i had to choose between the two. between a life of power and pomp...or a life of self discovery and growth.
Ill take the latter...thank you very much


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The Lightbulb..you know The One Above Your Head..

It is strange to me that some people have come to rely on me for guidance. But I guess that is how this whole thing works doesn't it...one person asking another person to share the particular experience on a subject. It just so happens that the area that I have a little experience in is alcoholism.
I find my self so overjoyed to share what I have gained from the Program and through recovery. Especially to someone that I love and care about.
It is truly a gift. A gift that I was given so freely. There is no way that I am ever going to be able to give back what this Program has given.
But I can try...I'm just glad that there is hope.

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Twelve-o-clocktails..

I was just thinking of what I would of been doing right at this moment if I was still full-blown in my disease. I called it twelve-o-clocktails..and I didn't really give a shit what people thought of it. It's what I did..and I didn't surround myself with anyone who didn't.
That's just how I liked my days to be. Very very boozy. I was very proud and loud when I was called an alcoholic. That was what I wanted out of my life. Anything that involved alcohol consumption on an astronomical level.
Now I'm proud to call myself an alcoholic for a different reason. I can't picture my life any other way.
So..today has been a pretty good day. Alot different kind of a day then I used to have. Waking up and going to a meeting pretty early. Earlier then I ever used to get up.
Doing work on myself. Trying to dig and figure things out about myself.
I'm a big fan of days like this..

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Let's Be Adults Here

When something happens to you. And you know it's going to fucking sting. Don't you usually try and protect yourself. Or at least make a preemptive strike?? That's what I always have done. Protection at all cost.
By putting something out there I have to be ready to feel the sting. Everyday I am learning. And that is the difference now and before.
Everyday is a learning experience. And have to treat it as such.

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A New September

I don't know why. But I'm having a beautiful day. And it all started with a meeting...and a sunrise. I love being able appriciate the sunrise..instead of dreading it. Or drowning it.
I can't really remember when the last time that I had a total and complete good day. Alas the day is not over yet...but I would have to say that I'm off to a good start.

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A Whole New Way Of Thinking

So I can say that life has been moving right along pretty nicely. Everything working out in my favor pretty much. There are always going to be bumps in the road...or so I'm told at least. But for the most part...it's all been pretty good.
So my van...my chariot of soberity...is having some problems. She is sick. And I am back on the bus for now. But for some reason that I can't explain...it's all good. Deep down I know that everything is going to be alright. It sort of feels like a freeing thing. It has really slowed me down. But I guess that it's the way that it's supposed to be.
When I actually have the time to look around...I am doing really pretty dang good for myself. I am alive. I have a rad job. I have a place to live and I like the people I live with. They are very down for their soberity. That's what I need around me right now.
I see people who are really down and out and I think about how it once was. How it could be solved with a drink. How that's not an option anymore.
I'm pretty lucky.

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Another Day...Another Dollar

It's another beautiful day in Soberity. I'm just sitting at my local coffee shop trying to write my fourth step. Being very very patient about it. It will start to flow. I have the willingness. There are no other options.
And I know that. Here we go..

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Next stop...

I'm on a train right now. Cal-train to be exact. Just left San
Francisco, my old stomping ground..the town that I painted red..the
City that game me my bottom. The place that got me here. Six months
down the line.
A couple of hours ago..I was on a train much like this one..on my way
to the City.
One that ride I remembered the last time that I was on a Cal train. I
was about three months from hitting my bottom. And I was full-blown.
I had been hanging out with a friend down in Santa Clara and was on my
way home. And I couldn't wait to get there. I was having some pretty
bad panic attacks on the train and was withdrawling pretty hard. I was
desperate for a drink. It was all that I could think of. The only
thing that my mind could see. My face was pressed against the window
of the train trying to catch a glimpse of a beer neon, some drinks
smoking, a bar sign....any think that would help my mind with a drink.
I needed something...anything.
The ride lasted about an hour and a half. Pure fucking agony.
I had a map of the closest bars and exactly how long it was Goingbto
take for me to get there. As the train got closer to the City my
heart started to race faster then it ever had before. I needed off. I
needed booze.
As I finally got off all I could keep thinking of was how good this
drink was going to taste and why were these people moving so damn slow.
I power walked towards the closest bar...trying not to break into a
full sprint because I thought that was pretty pathetic.
I finally got to the bar. I will always remember it. And the ease that
it brought to my heartrate.
I had a shot. a beer. And a breath.

Then I stepped outside. Into the chilly San Francisco day. And my
heart began to beat faster. And my mind started thinking about the
next drink. And the next bar. And how long it was going to take me to
get there.

At that moment I knew that this was never going to get better. And was
I was on a one way path. And this was going to end all bad...

180 more then i would of ever imagined

so there is no way that i will be able to ever express my gratitude...i have 180 days clean and sober..6 whole months. and i can't believe it...
i was walking around my new home last night just thinking of all of the things that have changed in my life in the last 6 months. I was walking past a parked taxi that had the radio tuned to some soft jazz station..and the breeze was just right. and i just stopped and looked around myself. and i couldnt ever remember a time when i had been drinking when i had ever done that. just taken a moment for myself and said thank you...to the power that got me here.
because just as my father loves to remind me...I did'nt do shit. and i know that. I had no hand in any of this. if you would of asked me six months ago if i though i was going to be sober i would of though that you were crazy. there was no way that i could imagine my life going more then a day let alone 6 fucking months without alcohol..
its really just the little things that i really notice now. the small soft things that i never ever even saw before...and they are amazing.
i can say that i have grown more in the last 6 months then i have in the past 10 years. and there is now way that any of that would of ever of happened if it wasnt for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous...i love the program so very much. and i cant imagine my life without it.
i have gained a blueprint for a way of life...a plan of action. and actual direction. the light at the end of the tunnel is so much more visable...but i know now that its not even really about the light..its about the journey getting there. 180 days....who would of thought....

Progressive? What does that mean?

Progressive? What does that mean?
My road to recovery..part 3

When I finally was on my way back to San Francisco I was talking to
one of my best friends. She is my sister from another
mother..basically. She was voicing her concerns about my wanting to
return to my job at the bar. I had my heart set on getting back behind
the bar almost the entire time that I was in the Beacon House. That
was were I thought that I belonged. An intergeal part of my identity.
Something that defined who I was.
So thats exactly what I did. I couldn't wait to be the sober life of
the party. Show everyone that I could do it..no matter what anyone
said. I was Richie Rich...I could do this.
My very first shift was none other then Super Bowl Sunday 2008. I
managed to stay without a drink that day eventhough my team ended up
winning the game. ....and I am an alcoholic, I'll use any excuse to
get my drink on.
So for the first couple of days I stated true to my promise of going
to ninety meetings in ninety days. I would end up going to meetings
across town and make up reasons why I didnt like them. When I did go I
would always focus on the differences and not the similarites. It
seemed like all that I could make good on was making excuses. I didnt
have a sponsor, so there was no way in hell that I was working the
steps.
My mind started to run around in circles again. I was surrounded by
people that could drink like I wanted to, but had proven that I
couldn't. They were having that fun that I longed for once again.
I went down my street to another bar that was close to the one that I
worked at....and ordered a shot of Jamason. Irish Whiskey. That was a
very wierd thing for me because I had never ordered it before. I felt
as though there was some catching up for me to do. Something deep down
inside me knew that this was all bad....and it would only get worse.
And it did.
From that point on it all started again. This time it was happening
much faster and much sharper. There was no uncertinty like there was
before. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew my fate. This
was not good...

Who would of thought.

Who would of thought.

That in my lifetime the thing that was going to bring me closer to my
father was the program. My alcoholism and his drug addiction would be
the common bond that would bring us together to another level. I
finally can look to my father for advice on something that means
everything to me. My recovery. Relying on others experience, strength,
and hope is one of the core values in our program. And who would of
ever thought that I would be able to look to my father for that. I
never did. I can now.

my new view

Constant surprises.

Constant surprises.

My days are ruled by constant surprises. The feelings are like waves
when they come across. And I am the one that is learning to surf.
Bigger and bigger waves. All of this is not by accident. I know of it.
I was meant to be here. Right here, right now. For whatever
reason....I'm here and I am listening.

Independence

Independence

Happy Independence Day to everyone. And a very happy one indeed to
everyone that is in recovery. This is the first sober fourth of July
that I have had in a very long time. So it obviously makes it very
special.
Today I am celebrating my independence from the ties that bound me.
Independence from the very thing that ruled my world for such a long
time.
I recently was talking to a friend of mine that had been there for me
toward the very end of my run. Someone that I would routinly come and
cry to expressing my need to stop drinking. She recounted the fact
that I said that it would be impossible. Impossible for me to stop
drinking. I knew what I had to do. It had to happen if I was going to
stay alive. But I couldn't imagine my world without alcohol. Alcohol
was the tie that bound me. The tie that I now have my freedom from.
That freedom means absolutly everything to me right now. No matter
what has happened in the past...I have right now. It wasnt impossibe
after all. When I really think about it....nothing is impossible for me.

Lemons...

Fireworks...I love fireworks

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.

Welcome to the House...you'll fit right in.

I was introduced to the Beacon House the hard way..the same way that
so many others have been introduced to it. Helped right up the front
steps,on their knees, by their perspective addiction. For me...alcohol
was my drug of choice.
I had never even heard of Pacific Grove in my life. Sounded like a
fucking retirement colony to me. But that's where I was headed that
day. Straight up US Highway 101.....to butterfly town USA.
The first thing that I can remember was the fear that was running
through my body as I got out of my aunts car and walked on to that
curved walkway up to those fateful steps. The front parlour will
always have a very special place in my heart because that was the
first place I ever met my counselor. And this was where my initial
assesment was done. To me,on that day, I thought that I was staring
down the barrel of a loaded gun.
This was the first time I ever heard the term "toxic." I was very. .
My body was a stagnent collection pond for all things awful. My skin,
my mind, and my life were yellow.
I had no idea what I was doing, and I needed help. And I would soon
learn that I was in the right place.
I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life, and boy
was I scared. I had no idea who these people were and I didnt know
what they wanted from me.
Prior to going into the hospital I really didnt know what detox was
either. If I would of known what it was theres no way in hell I would
of wanted it. But obviously, that all changed. Thank god.
I would say that my biggest problem (other then my constant intake of
alcohol) was my sleeping patterns. I would drink to sleep.
Correction....I would drink to pass out. Then when I woke up again,
usually in a couple of hours, I would need a few swigs off the bottle
to get back to sleep.
This had created alot of anxiety in my life. Everyday I would think
about what it was going to take, that night to get me to sleep. And it
would rule me.
So from the start...I was in a bad mood. I was in rehab for christ
sake. I didnt have to like being in the present situation. I knew deep
down that this was the place I was supposed to be. So you could say
that I was a little resistant to my treatment at first. I was all
about fighting everyone and everything. I thought that I was a smart
guy. I really thought that I was going to get through all of it...all
on my own. I had all of the life experience necessary to get through
rehab and emerge meraculously cured on the other side.
I was misrable. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. All of my emotions
were on a constant roller coaster ride that I had no control over. I
would cry at the drop of a hat. My only saving grace were the people
that were around me. My constant interaction with other people on a
group level. I had never been through anything like this before.
Sharing my thoughts,fears,pain, and hopes with these people that I had
really just met. These people were to be the basis of my treatment.
I think that one of the many great things that the Beacon House gave
to me was a seed. That seed was called Alcoholics Anonymous. I started
attending the mandatory meeting of AA everyday while I was in the
House. And I really did not care for it at all at first. I didnt like
the people. I thought that all that it really was, was a giant whinner
congregation. People that got together to discuss how much it sucked
that the couldn't " handle" alcohol anymore. What I failed to see then
was how crucial a role Alcoholic Anonymous was to play in the
resurection of my life.

Now..throughout my entire stay at the Beacon House, I had it in my
head that I was going to go back to San Francisco and be able to
return to my old life. Do everything that I had done before....except
not drink. I wasnt ready to let go of my old life. I was going to be
Richie Rich...the powerful and very "sober" bartender. This was a very
deadly fantasy according to all of the staff, my family,friends, and
all that knew me and cared about me. I would show them. I would be
different. I would be able to be in the barber shop and not get my
hair cut.
So...on January 30th, I coined out of the Beacon House. All bright
eyed and bushy tailed with all of the best wishes of the staff. And
with all of the love and support of my house mates.
I was ready to do life the right way....my way. Little did I know that
day that I was going to be coming back up those steps less then three
weeks later. Beaten and broken...with my bushy tail right between my
legs. And time there was no "my way"
This disease is a bitch. A bitch with no cure. A bitch that wants to
kill me. And a bitch that almost did it......twice.

Well everyone. That's the end of part two of the story. My fingers
hurt again..and I like it.

wow

Its so amazing to me how disfunctional this disease is. Damn.

A thought.

Grace

Amazing grace how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me.
Why is it that some good people have to die? And some real assholes
get to live...as you can see I'm being really spiritual today. But
that's what's in my head right now ..
The day started off pretty damn good. I hadn't been to my morning
meeting in a couple of days and was pretty excited to go. Met up with
my friend and joked as we walked into our meeting. Right on time as
usual.
Then we heard that one of our own had passed away. Her name was
Shannon. And she was in pretty early in soberity like myself. A really
warm and truly caring individual who was loved by everyone. Someone
who was really on the right track...one that was right there with you
in recovery. She will be missed by us all. Like someone said in our
meeting this morning...she graduated.
Well the sun was out for you today Shannon. God took back an angel..as
a very special friend of mine put it.

circumstance

Its so really funny how life is when everything just changes. For
whatever reason. Right in front of your eyes. With things and
circumstances that you can and can't even remember. And thats the
whole problem...
When things are broken down. I mean really broken down to the bare
essentials... There really isn't that much that I really need to
survive. Not all of the material things that I think I need for my
life to be satisfactory. I have what I need right now. I am alive. And
that is pretty damn good when it all comes down to it. Where the
rubber meets the road. And atleast I know where that is right now.
At least I can remember.
Happy sober Monday everyone. I'm still here.

battle flag

so here we go...a first time for everything

Hello everyone...
my name is Richie...everyone calls me Richie Rich..ever since i got out of high school. and the name just stuck to me. like rye bread fungus..it has become part of my identity so to speak..
well...here it goes..
I'm and alcoholic...a huge alcoholic.
and i know this to be a fact..I know 4 things for sure..
1.There is something greater then me..
2. I am not that something...
3. I'm going to die someday...
4. I'm an alcoholic...
so what I'm going to do is use this here blog as a daily sounding board for my recovery. what ever helps me can also help you. for me its all about communicating to other alcoholics and addicts..
I have almost 90 days of sobriety...this is the longest that I have been without a drink in more then 10 years..oh yeah..I'm 28 years old.

here's a little background about me..
I grew up in a city in southern California..Ventura to be exact. had a pretty normal upbringing..well no that's a lie. Lets just say that addiction is a mainstay in my family..my mother and father were both addicts..my mom died sober in February of 2007. and my dad is 9 years clean as i write this..but you all know us...that could change at the drop of a hat. its always that close..
had my first drink at 15 years old...hated it. but thats what everyone that was cool was doing. so i did it also. because i wanted to be cool..high school went by. basically cheated my way through..met a girl. and moved the hell out of southern cali. next stop...beautiful Hayward, California...went to college there. concentrated on hockey and lacrosse and not really on school...
smoked alot of pot...its nor cal. were good for that shit..
one year later...is when my life changed forever...and my heart and mind opened to a whole new world...The City and County of San Francisco.
this is where the story really begins. because it was in The City where is say everything start to unfold...
did some jobs here and there...trader joes..drank beer with co-workers. smoked with co-workers..did cocaine for the first time with my supervisors..
I started to get really interested in the underground music scene in The City. and me being a people person i made friends really quickly..so my life became all about where the next party was. who was throwing it. who was playing. who was going to be there. and how much shit was i going to need. or was there going to be an easy way to get it...and i always had a way..
so drugs were what was going on with me...alcohol was always there but wasn't the dominating thing that i was soon to become...
so i was always out there somewhere...i was known as the person to call to find out about what was going on in The City at any given time. i was also the person to call when you need to particular thing that you needed at that particular time...if you know what i mean. i was always right there in the middle of it.
so i decided that i had had enough of this menial labor grocery bull shit and i wanted to move on to something bigger, brighter, and better. and i needed more money for drugs and booze. and i needed to be the party...so i needed to get behind the bar. bartending was the ticket for me....next stop....party. and i was in charge...
so i became part of a wonderful group of people that i still do this day love and adore...these were the people that were to become my family...
so when the constant drug use started to bite me in the ass and really effect my day to day life...i thought to myself..well screw this..this is taking away from my quality of life. I'm going to stop...and I did. No more cocaine....except every few and far between...blue moon kind of thing. (hey im an addict)
but drinking...that was part of my job...part of my life..social life of the party was i
a couple of years started to go by...i mean fly right by. and there were large parts and details of these years that i couldnt remember...
there were some people that were very close to me that i treated very badly...ones that really loved me. and I always had some problem with them...there was always something...call it my impatient attitude..
my mom was diagnosed with cancer of the liver...after years of drug use and the sort...so what did i do...oh, i just continued everything just as if nothing in the world was wrong...even though i knew that things were not going to get any better really...my drinking was escalating..and i didnt give a rats ass...i was entitled to my booze. it was my right...
this is what i did..i was the life of the party. the center of attention....thats what i did. i drank. that was me...
my mother died Feburary 13th, 2007. and i couldnt handle what was going on around me...but i managed to try to keep it straight. but there were those that were close to me that we starting to be able to see that something was wrong...and i didnt care.
i was the life of the richie rich party...that was me. thats what i did. i drank....
i was starting to be not the richie that i used to be...impatient, abusive, argumentative, brazen,confrontational, not reliable....that was what was starting to happen...
and that was only the mental things....the signs of the immanent demise of my body were starting to come around...
my skin and teeth were starting to get yellow..and i didnt care. i wasnt eating...there was no alcohol in food..thats what i told myself..i thought that was funny...i was not sleeping. or if i was it was for about 3 hours at a time...and then i would need alcohol to get back to sleep...
and because i was so "social"...i would have to go to my local bar...(that opened at 6am) to get me that couple of drinks to get me back to sleep...to get me right.
so my family in The City were starting to get a little worried...i had really created a monster. i was in a really bad relationship that was helping with my panic attacks...which i went to the emergency room for on a couple of occasions..
My family back home in Ventura were getting worried.this included my little brother..his new wife and her family (now my family) and my aunt..they couldnt see me because i was up north but they knew that something was very wrong...i never called. i would go a month without checking in with them...

so the holidays come in the latter part of 2007...and i go home to ventura to visit. i look like total and complete stomped on shit..
i manage to steal wine from my aunt to try to get myself to sleep on christmas day night...the night of the 25th..thats when it came at me with full force...
that night..with my aunt in the room sleeping on the couch, i had a detailed interaction with a number of people in my room...people that i thought were there to do harm to my friends and family. they were as real to me that night as if i was standing next to you having a conversation...my aunt being right there assured me that i was just imagining all of it...but they were there..i was sure of it.
they were trying to kill me...set me on fire. i could feel the flames..and hear them laughing at me...pouring beer on me as i burned....
i think that it was time to go to the hospital.....think that would be a good idea.
next stop...Cottage Hospital in Santa Barbara. my dad had told my aunt that cottage had the best detox program around...
do this is where i have no recollection....none at all. super blackout big time...
i woke up 5 days later....in the ICU at cottage. in four point restraints...iv's sticking out of both arms...in a hospital gown...hooked up to monitors
a nurse came in to check on me...and i said hello...being the nice guy that i am, you know. she asked me if i remember anything about the previous days events...and i said no. i noticed that the nurse had a bruise on her arm...i then learned that i had given her that bruise.
I had become extremely combative when i was brought in to the er...assaulted numerous nurses..doctors and other er staff. i was shocked...i could of never of done that. but i did.
the senior doctor on staff that night...who had been working in the er for 15 years told my family that i had a 20% chance of making it through that first night. 20%....
i had gone through what the same doctor called "the worst case of delirium tremens that he had ever seen" that night...i was on my death bed.
but thats what i did...i was the life of the party..i drank.
well fuck that....not anymore. i was in the hospital for a total of 9 days...spent my new years there...watched the ball drop in time square on a tv room my bed...

next stop...The Beacon House for in-patient treatment...
so thats where i will stop at right now...my hands hurt. im not used to typing this much. but its a good kind of hurt...dont worry ill post again soon...
to be continued....