Trainwreck?? Who me!?

Did you have one of those people that came through your life that
really let you know just how fucked up you were
In your disease? I did...And I finally was able to let her know how
thankful I am that she said what she did. It was the single event that
really started to break the bubble of my pure and perfect denial.
I used to love to say...I once met a girl that drove me to drink..and
I never had the decency to write her and thank her.
Now I can say...
I once met a girl that drove me to into recovery..and I had the
decency and gratitude to write her and thank her.
It never ceases to amaze me...the path that my higher power has for
me. Never a boring day in soberity.

Presence

Wow. Did I have a great day yesterday. My first sober thanksgiving
since I can almost remember. As you think it would..all I could think
of was the word gratitude. It's like I really felt the real meaning of
the holiday for the first time. I went to a Mens meeting and it was
exactly what I needed. Like I was meant to be there...that's because I
was supposed to be there.
I got to be there for my family. Of just all felt right. Now I'm home
and I'm looking at things just a little differently...things seem a
little brighter. ...maybe a bit sharper.
I'm so grateful that I'm sober.

The smallest opening

Who would believe that an alcoholic like me could get to this place.
Somewhere that I thought was totally impossible. One thing that I gave
learned through all of this is that I have to re examine my definition
of the world impossibe. Because it has changed for me.
Nine months ago today I was going back into the Beacon House...and all
that I knew was that I was beaten. I couldn't control it or ever hope
to. I needed the help of others. And those others were the ones that
put their hands out
And told me that they had seen this before... And they knew what to do.
I am grateful to all of those people that were there at the
begining...and that are still with me today. Not because of any
obligation... But because this is what we do.
I am proud to be a part of that group.

Knowing the difference

I know the difference between feeling good and. Of even knowing. It
used to be that this was really how good it was going to get. And it
really wasn't that good....not that good at all. Now I'm more aware of
my feelings and what I can do to help them along. Actually all that I
really do is to pray for them. And I know that things will work out
the exactly the way that they are supposed to.
Someone much wiser then myself told me one time that the opposite of
fear...is faith. And that means alot to me. Because I have faith
today. And it's in something other then myself and other then alcohol.
That was all that I had before I had the program.
Now I know how I can understand those things that I used to wonder how
it was so easy for others to get. Today I know that I can actually
achieve those things that used to be seemingly so impossible.
All I had to do was ask for help...and do work..

Dream a little dream

You know what I am a big fan of...dreams. Real vivid, lovely, bold,
beautiful dreams. Last night I had a dream about golf...don't tell me
why I had a dream about golf but I did. And I can remember the whole
damn thing. Every little part...well almost every little part. Atleast
I can recall enough to write parts of them down.
I remember that I used to have dreams when I was drinking and
using.... But they were nasty, disjointed, messy waking dreams that
made no sense. I could recall them when I came to..but then I would
think of something else and the dream would go away.
I like the way that my dreams are now. Because I know there is so much
more to my dreams that I really pays for me to remember them.

The small things

I just remember how hard all of the really small things were. How much
of my effort that everything was going to take. And how adiment I was
against sound them.
I remember thinking to myself..this should not be this hard..or...I
should be wanting to do this. It shouldn't be a chore.
This was things like eating, shaving, changing clothes. You know
really basic shit. Nothing else really mattered.
I can remember the first time that I heard the 9th step promises read
at a meeting.
We will know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...
I though that was something that I could really use. Some help with
these hard things. The things other people did without blinking.
It's getting easier to deal with situations now that I'm sober.

Sitting in it..

If someone would of told me that every thing was going to change I
would of said...no way. I couldnt see anyway past what I had made for
myself. I felt that I was destined to be stuck In the same spot forever.
Last night I was watching an episode of intervention. The guy was
drinking the exact way that I did. Drinking to pass out, drinking to
cope, drinking to forget...basically drinking to die. It was the love
of his little daughter that really snapped him out of his rutt. I
think that it was family that really was the thing that made me
realize what I was doing..and the people that I was really putting
through hell.
I think that the most painful drives I have ever taken was with my
brother going back down to treatment after my relapse. I felt like a
kid that had gotten in trouble with a parent. The shame and disgust
was written all over his face. And I really didn't get it. I was
really only concerned with myself and what was going on with me.
So this holiday season I am really excited to go home and be with my
family. The most excited I have ever been for the holidays since I got
really big expensive presents..I have gotten a much more valuble
present this year.

not the brightest star in the sky...

you have those days where just everything seems to be off...well i have been having less and less of them since i got sober..but yesterday was a day of real ups and downs...
and the added knowledge of all of the locations of bars that are open does not help the situation...its not like i was going to drink or anything..not even close. but thats the kind of shit that just enters into my mind...im an alcoholic for christs sake.
people were just getting to me last night. a couple of people that i know in the program that have a good amount of time just went out. and they seemed so strong to me..but life happens i guess. I just get frustrated when people go out....do they not know whats at stake...i mean really. atleast for me..I know that I will die. pretty fucking simple. I never want to go back to the way that I felt...just waiting to die.
Im glad that there is another day..another day thats not filled with the same old shit.

A new pair of glasses

Its funny to me how we always looked at a situation the same way before...at least thats true for me. I can remember always feeling that i had to harden myself to things that were coming at me...like i had to meet them with opposition..now i just feel differently..
like there is another way to look at the entire thing...

Must be present to win....

i heard that at my morning meeting. and I loved it. because it is so damn true. That was such a big problem for me when i was using..really being present in real life situations.
Like when my grandmother and mother both past away...and I used it as an excuse to drink. Well I would use anything as an excuse to drink...really. But everytime that I was around my family i was always on edge..and really thinking that i needed the relief that was to come from alcohol...and now i have trouble really even remembering some of those last precious moments with my mother...the moments that i will never have to do over again. My mother was a recovering addict...and she knew what was happening to me...and she knew that the only choice that i had was to either get some help...or die.
Im just so glad that I can be the one that people can come to. a person that can be relied upon...i always thought that i was that person...but my use came first...not anymore.

A Beautiful Sunset

I guess I consider myself lucky..

When i think about my journey i have to really realize how lucky i am. No matter what...I dont have to drink today. The obsession to drink has been lifted from me. thanks to a power greater then myself...because there is no way that i had anything to do with it..
and as my father says..."Rich...ya didn't do shit"
and for the first time in my life...i know that is true. i had no hand in any of it...
Then I think about all of the people who choose to go out and do a little more research about their disease...like they need a little more understanding about how much it kicks there ass. I am so glad today that i don't have to do that anymore...i am free of that. and its because of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and a loving higher power...
but i think of the analogy of someone slamming their head into a brick wall...over and over. trying to get rid of a headache...when really there is a way that has worked for so many people...
sometimes i have to stop and pray while i am in a meeting...while i am hearing people tell their stories of wondering what they have to do...to get this..that they just cant get it. and they keep going out.
and i find myself just getting really frustrated...wanting to say something. but thats not how i do it now. i do it differently now...i do alot of things differently..

Honesty...

The people that I choose to surround myself with is something that really amazes me..like last night i was at a meeting. That before i went to i wasnt really in the mood to be there at all..but thats the time that i really need to be at a meeting. It was a good meeting most of the way ...but i could feel my mind wondering all over the place. I started to pray to try to ask for a little help with this. because i knew that there was some reason for me to be there..
then a good friend of mine. another person that is early in soberity like myself.....the topic of the meeting was honesty..and he proceeded to say that he had relapsed a couple of times in his soberity..i could tell that this was eating up his insides....so he said something about it..and it made me almost start to cry....this was what my life was looking like. people that had the balls to do things like that because it was eating them up insides....thats who i want to be around. because thats how i want my life to be like...
the word honesty was totally foreign to me before i started my journey in the program...i always thought that i knew what honesty was...but it was my idea of honesty. and it wasnt what i wanted to be...now im on a different track. and i like what road im on....