Always Learning..

Its almost the end of the year.. and its not like any that I have ever had before. I just got back from a meeting.. just like I do on every other Wednesday night... and I just have to stop for a minute and really just sit back... and be thankful for the year that I have had... looking at the end of the year with perspective..
I have learned more this year about myself... learned more about what used to drive me, and what still drives me a little bit today..
I learned this year that I have to let things go... and that God has a plan for my life.. and it is not my right to know that plan. Right when I thought that I had some things figured out God would send a really slow driver right in front of me.. always giving me those suttle hints trying to teach me something. Always something to learn... Always something to work on.. Im a huge fan of "Progress not Profection." Because it always used to be about the perfection...
I am grateful. and when I am not grateful... I can be grateful that I am not where I used to be...
So there is a day left in 2009.. a day left in this decade. One more day until a new decade in my sobriety...

It's Getting Closer.

The holidays that is.. I have been working for the past couple of weeks almost non stop... but its ok because I love my job and I work with really good people... but no matter how much you love your job and how great the people are, you have to get away sometime.. and my time to get away is going to be on thursday night. I am going home to see the family and enjoy christmas. Very different then it used to be when I was going down there to give the family their dose of me for a little while.. just so I could try to deny my alcoholism and get back home so I could drink like I wanted to ... I always remember my first stop when I was coming back into my hometown, and it of course was a bar. That is so fucking insane... that is what it used to be about. the entire holiday season used to be about getting it over so I could drink like I wanted to..
Now its different.. and I am alive. I get to enjoy my family. That is what I am on this planet for.. to live, laugh, and love...

Ups and Downs.. but this, is beautiful

Today is a really good day.. and don't ask me why. I just feel it in the air.. and I can just see it all around me. Even though it is really very early, I know that things are straight today. I have a chance to just keep this ball rolling...there is alot of light at the end of the tunnel, but there is also alot of light around me..
This whole thing just amazes me.. I was talking with another person in the fellowship yesterday while I was at word and we were comparing stories... what had happened and what was happening now, and how we are both just amazed.. day in and day out there is just a light about it. I know that I have said it alot lately, but I know now that everything is going to be alright.... and that there is no more hopelessness. I can remember that feeling and I never want to go back to that.. walking my ass to a bar to get right at 6am... now I just have to ask God to get me right... and thank him for another day of sobriety..

All Part of the Plan.

I know that alot of you guys can relate... so help me out here for a second. Have you ever had something that were counting on.. (unrealitic expectation)... not come through for you. You have done everything in your power to get yourself to that point only to have things change when you get there. You have an idea of how its supposed to be... and others have told you that that's how its supposed to be.. but when you are finally there.. after all of the waiting, hard work, and compromise... things change right out from under you. Some that are close to me relate it to being tested... and the ones that crash and burn are the ones who were weeded out.. the old me would just say to heck with it. and leave. but thats not who i am.. and thats not what I am about. .. and thats why I got myself into so many bad places... that i thought i was right in..
but when its all said and done.. I am grateful that I am at where I am at.. and I know that its all a part of the plan.. thank God that I have a program. I don't know what I would do without it... I know what I would do.. I would retaliate and fuck everything up.. and thats why I drank.
So I have to look at my part in all of this.. thats what I have learned in all of this.. where is it that I am at fault.. I know that they are there.. its really funny how I just did my fourth step... then shared it with myself, God and another human being.. comes at just the right time...
So I know that this is all a part of the grand scheme of things..

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul

Hey there all...
Just went and saw a movie on my day off from work. It's called Invictus and it stars two of my favorite actors of all time.... Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon. I have been wanting to see this movie for a really long time. I have been really interested in South Africa and Nelson Mandela for awhile... The man always has been an inspiration for me.. The movie is about the South African Rugby team and the 1995 World Cup.. and how Mandela and the teams captain move to unite the country behind the team.
In the movie.. Nelson Mandela shares a poem that gave him inspiration during his 27 years of imprisonment .... It really moved me. So Im going to reprint it here.. I think that you will like it.. I do. It is a real inspiration to me.. being where I am at in life.. and what I have been through to get there..
I heard a really good friend say at a meeting last week about having his first baby... that he just is enjoying being where he is at.. the love of the journey and not so much the destination.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley 


Hope that everyone is doing good.. Talk to you soon...

Yea me

Sometimes there are people that have alot of years.. And they have
nothing that I want. Like really.. Not a damn thing. Some of these
people I feel really sorry for... Then again there are some that are
sicker then others. And I will pray for them.
I am right now.
I went to a really large birthday meeting tonight. There were 800 or
so people there. And all I could think of when I was looking at all of
these people was how "at home" I was. I am really glad that I am part
of this club. Very happy to be sober.

Think and Ask

Hey there everyone..
So after the last couple of days I have come to the conclusion that whenever I get into my own head and take things into my own hands... I fuck things up. Seems like its an old behavior pattern.. I feel that I used to do it alot more.. but I used to do it with alot more ego involved.. like I thought that I was always right and that everything really revolved around me. Now.. I am a little more mindful of other people.. but I still manage to screw things us..
I think that I need to bounce things off of other alcoholics and see what they think before I do really stupid shit. Think and ask before I act.

So I have a couple of really big days coming up.. Like this Saturday I am going to the Bay Area with my sponsor and going to a really big birthday meeting. Did I mention that I love birthday meetings.. I really love birthday meetings.  On the way up there we are going to do my 5th Step. Finally.. you say. Yes Finally...after being sober for almost 20 months... I am finally doing a 5th Step with my sponsor. I will let you all know how it goes.
Well... have a great day today.. I made a book that have alot of pictures of my life during the last 19 months... i am going to be giving it to someone special.. and on the last page.. basically the back dust cover i put in this.. its a blog entry that I had at the beginning of this year..

\Sprinkles.

learning.

It is so hard to hurt someone that you really care about. It used to be so easy for me to hurt people.. because thats the kind of person that I was. but now.. I am not like that anymore. My heart hurts and everything is thrown around. I am just trying to remember that everything happens in God's world for a reason.. and I am right in the middle of it..
I have said it over and over to myself today... But for the grace of God, Go I
Thats exactly how I feel today... I am but a passenger on this journey.. I have no idea where I am going. but I know that there is alot for me to learn along the way. I am learning alot today..