Responsible.. it's something new..

So I have been riding this wave of badness for the past couple of days.. and I did't want to tell you guys about it. until it was done. It was something that was really personal and I just couldnt put it down on this page. Even thought I know that this a great place to get all of those feelings out.. but this was some crazy shit..
I got tested for HIV last week.. and all of the other STD's. I was supposed to go to the doctor on Tuesday to get the results... ot actually for him to talk to me about the results. Today is Tuesday... so next fucking tuesday. This has been rattling around in my brain for the past week. I have never been tested before. and that is a really bad thing... I really did not care about getting tested before because I could really give a rat's ass.. there was so much fear surrounding it that all that I had to do to get rid of it was drink. and thats what i did. I would always just drink.. and that would fix that.
But I did it... with some pushing along by someone that i love and care about. Thanks to that person... she know who she is.
I was really having trouble doing anything really... My head was really taking me into some really messed up places. My motivation level was way low.. I didnt care about what was going on around me. I really really tried just giving it up.. and that worked.. until i thought about it again. I talked to my sponsor about it.. and I prayed about it...
Then today.. I just thought to myself... why the hell do i have to drive 30 minutes to get there results next week... I sould be able to call and get them right now... so i did.. and they said that i was clean.
Wow.. it was a total relief. just to think about how far my mind did go....but all of thats over now..

I was talking to my sister... and she noted that she would get into that place as a defense mechanism. Thats exactly what it is...