I Finally Did it..

So i finally did it.. I have finally finished my 4th Step.. and it only took about a year and a half..
But for what its worth I have done really what i thought was not possible. I have written it all down. on paper.. right in front of me.. in black and white.
Just like the book says.. I am so glad that I have finally gotten to this place in my journey.. finally.
Now after all of this time i really finally see why it was written like this.. not really that complicated. This really is not a big Frueadian exercise.. it is meant to be pretty simple.
And it was much more simple then I had made it out to be...
I remember when I first started the whole thing. I was working at the fucking Old Factory. That was a long time ago.... not only in time but in life experience.
there are alot of things to talk about.. here we go... onto 5.

The Fall. and how much i do LOVE it.

I know that the fall season has begun all around me. I am a big fan of the weather and the way that it makes me feel.. Everything around me is falling off of trees and getting ready for winter. I love the way that it effects other people. I love all of the colors that it brings. It really makes you feel alive.. sometimes i feel like its the first time that I have ever felt that way..
It really makes you appriciate what is going on around you..
I like just stopping for a second and taking a breathe.. stopping for a second and realizing what is happening.. that i am alive to see all of this.

the Overall

I wake up this morning.. and I am feeling a bit different.and I really dont knew why, I can't really put my finger on it. but there is definatly something different..
Is it that I knew that someone was right in their decision. One that effected my life in many different ways.. is that it. I was thinking of that this morning.. that was different.
But i dont think thats it....
My heart is feeling really pretty good.. and i think its because i know that I am not in charge. Yesterday... I know that God was working overtime. nothing happens by accident in my God's world. Its all in his plan... and I am apart of that plan. and thats where I like to be..

I wonder

Sometimes I just wonder how it is that I got here. I look around at my surroundings and I think about how it used to be. where i would be back in the day... right now.. all that I can do is thank my higher power for bringing me here.
I wonder... over and over. I just think about it.. and i smile

A Great Morning...

Today I went back to my very first homegroup. The one that I went to everyday for a very very long time. I really dont know what was keeping me from going back to that meeting.. because everybody gave me big hugs right when I walked in the door. People asked me where I had been, adking me if everything was ok...
I told them that my life was good.. and that my recovery was very good.. I saw my first two sponsors both in the same room for the first time ever. That was really interesting.. I hadent talked to my second sponsor in a couple of months.. and I really just started talking to my first sponsor again..
So the day that I chose to go back to that meeting.. of all of the days that I choose... they were both there.. is God at work there.. I think that he is..

Another reason that I think that God was at work this morning... last night i set my alarm to get up for the meeting..it was set for 6:20. I used to get up earlier then that everyday for that meeting when I first started. I even took the bus to the meeting..
So I woke up.. and every excuse was going through my head.. all of the reasons that I couldnt get up... So i changed the alarm and tried to go back to sleep.. and I couldnt. That right there is God saying.... get your ass up. So I did..
and I am glad that I did...

Getting Down To It

When you are going over everything that you have done in your life
alot of things come up. Like they are supposed to. I guess that is the
purpose of the whole exercise. This is what it supposed to bring up.
The ways that things were done in the past and the way that they will
be done in the future... God willing. But for the grace of God go I.
Somethings really take alot of time to work out. To work their way
through your life. I can say that there are some things that have been
in there for at least ten years .... And are just finally getting
worked out.
I am glad that I am doing the work.

Off... With Another Lesson Learned.

Alright everyone. I am just about to get on the plane to go back to the bay area. and I have a little time to reflect on the past couple of days as i wait for the plane. Actually I really dont have that much time. So lets see how much that I can type before i get the call.
What a trip. I saw alot of great things about Portland that I wanted to see. There were alot of questions that I needed to answer about P-town.. Like how is the recovery. How is the message being carried. ...Like i am some saint of the message.
The message was awesome.. but I did only go to one meeting while i was here. And it was a great meeting..
How are the people up here? Well I got to see alot of old friends that I havent seen in a long time..
Another thing that I did notice was the network of really good people that my friends had around them. and they did alot of outdoor activities. Thats the thing that I really want to get into more... outdoor stuff.
Getting around the City was a really great thing. Like I said last night.. I biked around town with my friend.. and it was the first time that I had ever done that.. everyone in that town is on a bike. Being outside and getting exercise. Another place that I wanted to be..
The public transit was another great thing about Portland. getting around when you are not on the bike is really easy too.. and pretty cheap.
Overall.. the trip was exactly what i needed. It answered some questions that i had for myself too. Like i need to slow down with all of these plans that I have. Like I know what needs to be happening. I learned a renewed appreciation for my job. I have always loved my job.. but seeing how many people are out of work up in Oregon... I am SO happy to have a job.. and a job that I love.
So the bottom line is.. that everything is happening just like its supposed to.

Just File the Whole Thing Under Perfect..

Today was the last day of a great vacation. I would have to call it perfect. Thanks to my really great friends Jimmy and Kristy for being such awesome hosts... and letting me into their house. I was so so happy to be here. It was so great to get to meet their son Melvin.. someone who I know is going to be in my life forever now.. someone that I will always be in contact with.. forever..
I got to hang out with my friends Jack and Heidi.. and their son Jack.
All that I know is that alot was gained these last couple of days.. alot of understanding. More of a look into what i was and what I have become. and i really like what it is that I saw...

This just couldn't wait

Day Two. Little Jack.. and the Show.

My second day in Portland was awesome. I really loved roaming around town all day today. Its a great city to walk around and take public transit in. and I am all about public transit.. and the public transit in Portland is freaking awesome. the only other real viable public transit systems that i have been exposed to is in SF. and you know how much LOVES MUNI. yes... that is sarcasm. but out of all of the people that I have talked to around here about Tri-Met.. all that I hear from people is good things.. and I hear the word... LOVE. and that is really wierd to me when talking about transit..
I went to a meeting today. I know... I really really needed one. I love the fact that I can go to meetings in other places. I know that I have talked about this in the past.. but I love AA. and today was antoher reason why AA is such a way of life for me.. I checked the schedule... which is HUGE. and I found that there was a mens meeting at noon. and that was awesome.. a mens closed meeting at noon. I would kill for that shit in Monterey... and I told the guys that when I shared. So the meeting was just what i needed.. it really feels like this whole trip has been just what I needed.
After that I got back on the Portland Streetcar and got a hold of an old friend. Someone who has alot to do with my history.. and I havent seen him or his wife and son in a long time. So we got to hang out and talk about life and how much everything has changed in both of our lives..It was really great..
So above you will see a clip of Little Jack.. and his explanation of the Sun. and it is awesome.

The later on in the night... I went to a show at the Crystal Ballroom. This was the excuse for me to actually come up to Portland in the first place. To come and see a band that a friend had introduced me to awhile ago. and the played first.. at 8. Oh, by the way... We biked from his house all the way across the river and into downtown.. and I had never done that before. and it was awesome. my legs and ass still hurt...
The show was awesome...the band..called Amusement Parks on Fire was awesome. We didnt even stay of the other two band.. because that is what we came to see. Overall the day was so great... and I am starting to see things for what they are.. God is showing me what i need to see. Just like he always does... in his time.

Melvin.

So the first day is in the books. And i do have to say that I really like this town so far. I have only been here a day... but i like the way that it makes me feel. I havent been to a meeting yet.. and that is on the agenda for tomorrow... one of the first things that i am going to do..
Walked around downtown Portland right after I got here.. and I was glad that I was getting this chance. to be doing this. Thinking about all of the things that i have been through. and all that I have gained. every little thing has brought me to this point..
so here is the highlight of the trip so far. I got to meet my friends little one. Its so crazy how life changes and evolves.. right in front of your face.. and my higher power will always reveal whats important.

So here we go. Vacation.

Whats up everyone. Today is the first day of my vacation to Portland. and really it is my first vacation in sobriety.. ever. Im really excited to be off of work and at the airport. Everything is packed and I hope that I havent forgotten anything.. I kind of feel like a real dork.. but whatever, I dont care. The first thing that has happened to me so far was that I was patted down by the TSA. and I was trying to think about how that would of been if I had been drunk. because the last time that I traveded by myself I was toasted.
After all of the frisking I walked by the one of the airport bars. and the bartender was sitting in there all by herself... with no one to keep her company. I thought about how i would of been right there drinking at 11 in the morning back in the day. As a matter of fact I would of been there just about 2 years ago. I used to love drinking at the airport. It was part of the fun.
I do remember the last time that I was at the airport and I was drunk. I was fucking miserable. I was sweaty. and drunk. I remember thinking... this has to stop. I just don't know how its going to. That was the trip that took me into rehab.. I went into the coma 2 days later. Wow... how and experience like that can change everything. and how it did for me....
I remember the complete insanity... and how my brain was working.. and the chemicals that were controlling it. and how i feel right now. right at the start of something so good... and positive.. and possibly life changing. What am i saying...every experience in soberity is life changing..
See you guys soon. I will be posting pictures.

just like that.

It really is crazy how time effects things.. The things that seemed like such disasters such a long time ago. but really time is the thing that will always heal everything. I am not the biggest fan of people when they have told me this in the past. Like the people who say to me at a time of pain that if it's meant to be.. then it will be.. but I know that it is so very true. because in my life I know that things are supposed to happen for a reason.
People have come back into my life that I thought would never ever come back. People that would never have wanted me back.. but time has changed things. just like it always does. and when it dosent there is usually something very wrong with the people involved..
I think that I used to be the biggest holder of grudges .. what a waste of time and of energy.

Pink.

The Second Chance.

I am so glad and thankful that I got a second chance. That there was
another chance at doing something for myself. That the path that I was
on was ended without getting to it's end. It was almost given the
freedom to be my path. And I never did know any better.
I would of never of been able to have lived with myself if I would of
wasted all of that potential. I used to hate it when people would say
that I had so much potential. It was so on it's way to getting wasted.
But not anymore.

Learn.

Sometimes I really just wonder about Gods sense of humor sometimes. I
know that things are supposed to be happening for a reason and I know
that there is a plan. I know from past experience that I am not the
best plan maker. But damn it... Sometimes it just makes me kind of
mad. I know that I will have my turn.
I am really just trying to learn to trust. Trust in the fact that I
really don't know what's best for me. Damn it's hard sometimes. But
that's how it goes I guess. Live and learn.

See.

Apples and Oranges..

It is quite a beautiful day where I am... I have the whole day off and I am really getting alot out of the sun. I had quite the day yesterday. It started out with me being late to work for the first time ever. That was really fun, but hey it was the first time. and it was totally 100% my fault. I totally forgot to check Mr. iPhone before i went to sleep.. i think that my mind was somewhere else... I woke up with plenty of time.. I was going though my morning thing. getting ready to get some coffee and get on the internet machine.. and I got a text from a co-worker... asking me where i was. I am very very appriciative of this friend.. because she saved me from alot of headache.. so that is that. one point.. first one ever. everyone else has them.. and that is going to be my last.. no more assuming my schedule.
work was good.. but I really needed a meeting. and thank God for my Wednesday night mens meeting.. I couldnt wait to get there... and the meeting didnt disappoint. Someone that I really respect was the chair... and I got alot out of it.. exactly what i needed... then at the end. Someone spoke up.. and wanted to let everyone know about something that had happened to his son the night before.. he was found in a ditch, face down, choking on his own vomit... an angel saw all of this from across the street and ran over and turned him over.. saving his life. he went to the hospital.. and had a blood alcohol level of .4. he almost died... and got really scared in the process... the dad went to thank the lady yesterday.. and she had a 4 foot statue of St. Francis in her front yard... and my friend asked me if i would take his son to his first meeting, thats fucking awesome.
i left the meeting feeling full of life and loving this gift called sobriety.. and i was getting worried about a friend of mine. who i hadnt talked to in quite awhile. I needed to check in for me.. and i totally admit that. I need it. I ended up going into "old school richie" mode for a second and took somethings the wrong way. i feel that make progress everyday.. and then sometimes i revert back to old behavior not really meaning too.. until it happens.. i see my part in all of it. I guess i can thank the process of my 4th step for that..
when it is all said and done.. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. i have everything in front of me.. life, friendship, my sobriety, my future...
when i take a step back.. and look at the whole picture. I am quite fortunate for where i am at. even with the ups and downs.. such is life. and i get to be here for all of it.