So I can say that life has been moving right along pretty nicely. Everything working out in my favor pretty much. There are always going to be bumps in the road...or so I'm told at least. But for the most part...it's all been pretty good.
So my van...my chariot of soberity...is having some problems. She is sick. And I am back on the bus for now. But for some reason that I can't explain...it's all good. Deep down I know that everything is going to be alright. It sort of feels like a freeing thing. It has really slowed me down. But I guess that it's the way that it's supposed to be.
When I actually have the time to look around...I am doing really pretty dang good for myself. I am alive. I have a rad job. I have a place to live and I like the people I live with. They are very down for their soberity. That's what I need around me right now.
I see people who are really down and out and I think about how it once was. How it could be solved with a drink. How that's not an option anymore.
I'm pretty lucky.
Posted with LifeCast
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Another Day...Another Dollar
It's another beautiful day in Soberity. I'm just sitting at my local coffee shop trying to write my fourth step. Being very very patient about it. It will start to flow. I have the willingness. There are no other options.
And I know that. Here we go..
Posted with LifeCast
And I know that. Here we go..
Posted with LifeCast
Friday, August 22, 2008
Next stop...
I'm on a train right now. Cal-train to be exact. Just left San
Francisco, my old stomping ground..the town that I painted red..the
City that game me my bottom. The place that got me here. Six months
down the line.
A couple of hours ago..I was on a train much like this one..on my way
to the City.
One that ride I remembered the last time that I was on a Cal train. I
was about three months from hitting my bottom. And I was full-blown.
I had been hanging out with a friend down in Santa Clara and was on my
way home. And I couldn't wait to get there. I was having some pretty
bad panic attacks on the train and was withdrawling pretty hard. I was
desperate for a drink. It was all that I could think of. The only
thing that my mind could see. My face was pressed against the window
of the train trying to catch a glimpse of a beer neon, some drinks
smoking, a bar sign....any think that would help my mind with a drink.
I needed something...anything.
The ride lasted about an hour and a half. Pure fucking agony.
I had a map of the closest bars and exactly how long it was Goingbto
take for me to get there. As the train got closer to the City my
heart started to race faster then it ever had before. I needed off. I
needed booze.
As I finally got off all I could keep thinking of was how good this
drink was going to taste and why were these people moving so damn slow.
I power walked towards the closest bar...trying not to break into a
full sprint because I thought that was pretty pathetic.
I finally got to the bar. I will always remember it. And the ease that
it brought to my heartrate.
I had a shot. a beer. And a breath.
Francisco, my old stomping ground..the town that I painted red..the
City that game me my bottom. The place that got me here. Six months
down the line.
A couple of hours ago..I was on a train much like this one..on my way
to the City.
One that ride I remembered the last time that I was on a Cal train. I
was about three months from hitting my bottom. And I was full-blown.
I had been hanging out with a friend down in Santa Clara and was on my
way home. And I couldn't wait to get there. I was having some pretty
bad panic attacks on the train and was withdrawling pretty hard. I was
desperate for a drink. It was all that I could think of. The only
thing that my mind could see. My face was pressed against the window
of the train trying to catch a glimpse of a beer neon, some drinks
smoking, a bar sign....any think that would help my mind with a drink.
I needed something...anything.
The ride lasted about an hour and a half. Pure fucking agony.
I had a map of the closest bars and exactly how long it was Goingbto
take for me to get there. As the train got closer to the City my
heart started to race faster then it ever had before. I needed off. I
needed booze.
As I finally got off all I could keep thinking of was how good this
drink was going to taste and why were these people moving so damn slow.
I power walked towards the closest bar...trying not to break into a
full sprint because I thought that was pretty pathetic.
I finally got to the bar. I will always remember it. And the ease that
it brought to my heartrate.
I had a shot. a beer. And a breath.
Then I stepped outside. Into the chilly San Francisco day. And my
heart began to beat faster. And my mind started thinking about the
next drink. And the next bar. And how long it was going to take me to
get there.
At that moment I knew that this was never going to get better. And was
I was on a one way path. And this was going to end all bad...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
180 more then i would of ever imagined
so there is no way that i will be able to ever express my gratitude...i have 180 days clean and sober..6 whole months. and i can't believe it...
i was walking around my new home last night just thinking of all of the things that have changed in my life in the last 6 months. I was walking past a parked taxi that had the radio tuned to some soft jazz station..and the breeze was just right. and i just stopped and looked around myself. and i couldnt ever remember a time when i had been drinking when i had ever done that. just taken a moment for myself and said thank you...to the power that got me here.
because just as my father loves to remind me...I did'nt do shit. and i know that. I had no hand in any of this. if you would of asked me six months ago if i though i was going to be sober i would of though that you were crazy. there was no way that i could imagine my life going more then a day let alone 6 fucking months without alcohol..
its really just the little things that i really notice now. the small soft things that i never ever even saw before...and they are amazing.
i can say that i have grown more in the last 6 months then i have in the past 10 years. and there is now way that any of that would of ever of happened if it wasnt for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous...i love the program so very much. and i cant imagine my life without it.
i have gained a blueprint for a way of life...a plan of action. and actual direction. the light at the end of the tunnel is so much more visable...but i know now that its not even really about the light..its about the journey getting there. 180 days....who would of thought....
i was walking around my new home last night just thinking of all of the things that have changed in my life in the last 6 months. I was walking past a parked taxi that had the radio tuned to some soft jazz station..and the breeze was just right. and i just stopped and looked around myself. and i couldnt ever remember a time when i had been drinking when i had ever done that. just taken a moment for myself and said thank you...to the power that got me here.
because just as my father loves to remind me...I did'nt do shit. and i know that. I had no hand in any of this. if you would of asked me six months ago if i though i was going to be sober i would of though that you were crazy. there was no way that i could imagine my life going more then a day let alone 6 fucking months without alcohol..
its really just the little things that i really notice now. the small soft things that i never ever even saw before...and they are amazing.
i can say that i have grown more in the last 6 months then i have in the past 10 years. and there is now way that any of that would of ever of happened if it wasnt for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous...i love the program so very much. and i cant imagine my life without it.
i have gained a blueprint for a way of life...a plan of action. and actual direction. the light at the end of the tunnel is so much more visable...but i know now that its not even really about the light..its about the journey getting there. 180 days....who would of thought....