Progressive? What does that mean?

Progressive? What does that mean?
My road to recovery..part 3

When I finally was on my way back to San Francisco I was talking to
one of my best friends. She is my sister from another
mother..basically. She was voicing her concerns about my wanting to
return to my job at the bar. I had my heart set on getting back behind
the bar almost the entire time that I was in the Beacon House. That
was were I thought that I belonged. An intergeal part of my identity.
Something that defined who I was.
So thats exactly what I did. I couldn't wait to be the sober life of
the party. Show everyone that I could do it..no matter what anyone
said. I was Richie Rich...I could do this.
My very first shift was none other then Super Bowl Sunday 2008. I
managed to stay without a drink that day eventhough my team ended up
winning the game. ....and I am an alcoholic, I'll use any excuse to
get my drink on.
So for the first couple of days I stated true to my promise of going
to ninety meetings in ninety days. I would end up going to meetings
across town and make up reasons why I didnt like them. When I did go I
would always focus on the differences and not the similarites. It
seemed like all that I could make good on was making excuses. I didnt
have a sponsor, so there was no way in hell that I was working the
steps.
My mind started to run around in circles again. I was surrounded by
people that could drink like I wanted to, but had proven that I
couldn't. They were having that fun that I longed for once again.
I went down my street to another bar that was close to the one that I
worked at....and ordered a shot of Jamason. Irish Whiskey. That was a
very wierd thing for me because I had never ordered it before. I felt
as though there was some catching up for me to do. Something deep down
inside me knew that this was all bad....and it would only get worse.
And it did.
From that point on it all started again. This time it was happening
much faster and much sharper. There was no uncertinty like there was
before. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew my fate. This
was not good...

Who would of thought.

Who would of thought.

That in my lifetime the thing that was going to bring me closer to my
father was the program. My alcoholism and his drug addiction would be
the common bond that would bring us together to another level. I
finally can look to my father for advice on something that means
everything to me. My recovery. Relying on others experience, strength,
and hope is one of the core values in our program. And who would of
ever thought that I would be able to look to my father for that. I
never did. I can now.

my new view

Constant surprises.

Constant surprises.

My days are ruled by constant surprises. The feelings are like waves
when they come across. And I am the one that is learning to surf.
Bigger and bigger waves. All of this is not by accident. I know of it.
I was meant to be here. Right here, right now. For whatever
reason....I'm here and I am listening.

Independence

Independence

Happy Independence Day to everyone. And a very happy one indeed to
everyone that is in recovery. This is the first sober fourth of July
that I have had in a very long time. So it obviously makes it very
special.
Today I am celebrating my independence from the ties that bound me.
Independence from the very thing that ruled my world for such a long
time.
I recently was talking to a friend of mine that had been there for me
toward the very end of my run. Someone that I would routinly come and
cry to expressing my need to stop drinking. She recounted the fact
that I said that it would be impossible. Impossible for me to stop
drinking. I knew what I had to do. It had to happen if I was going to
stay alive. But I couldn't imagine my world without alcohol. Alcohol
was the tie that bound me. The tie that I now have my freedom from.
That freedom means absolutly everything to me right now. No matter
what has happened in the past...I have right now. It wasnt impossibe
after all. When I really think about it....nothing is impossible for me.